All posts by Teri Maxwell

Teri Maxwell is wife to Steve for over 40 years, mom to eight children (three married), and grandma to eight. She loves keeping her home running smoothly and sharing with women in the vein of Titus 2:4&5. Teri homeschooled for thirty years, and she's graduated all her children. In between her other responsibilities, she manages to squeeze in writing time. She is co-author of the popular Managers of Their Homes and Managers of Their Chores. In addition, Teri's written three books just for ladies Homeschooling with a Meek & Quiet Spirit, Sweet Journey, and Sweet Relationships. She has been writing monthly encouragement articles for homeschool moms for 25 years. Find more information on Teri Maxwell and her books.

Are They Fighting? – Part 3

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Dealing with Children’s Unkindness

The final key I would like to consider for dealing with physical unkindness between siblings would be the attitude of Mom’s heart. When we see one child hurting another child, our first response might be one of anger. However, it is quite obvious that if we respond to the child in anger, we affirm the attitude in the child that we want to eliminate.

“The wise in heart shall be called prudent: and the sweetness of the lips increaseth learning” (Proverbs 16:21). Teaching our children godly, loving behavior starts with our own attitudes, words, and actions. Sweetness of the lips is much more powerful than yelling or even negative tones in our voices. Gentle firmness helps keep the child’s heart attached to ours while we are working toward a change of behavior.

Stopping the Negative Thoughts

What you do with your thoughts can make all the difference in your responses to your children when they are not being nice to each other. Second Corinthians 10:5 tells us to take our thoughts captive and bring them into the obedience of Christ.

That means you can think, “I hate it when my children fight with each other. They know better. I am sick and tired of having to deal with them time after time, day after day.” Or you can think, “Lord Jesus, I am so blessed to be the mother of these children. Thank You for entrusting them to me. Help me, Lord, to direct their thoughts and their behavior to express the love You want them to have for each other. Lord Jesus, I know You are working in their lives, and You are working in my life. Thank You, thank You, thank You, Jesus.”

Which thoughts do you believe will help you have a patient and loving attitude toward your children when you correct them for wrong behavior? Which thoughts will give you stamina and determination to be consistent in working with your children? Which thoughts will allow you to put a smile on your face and move on with your day positively after a situation with the children?

I can attest to having done it both ways, and I was way more successful and way happier with myself when I took the route of the second set of thoughts. The first set hurtled me into a pit of self-pity from which it was almost impossible to climb out. The second set put my mind on the Lord Jesus, the gratitude He tells me to have, and the possibility of a brighter future.

Should Children Apologize?

I had an e-mail from a mom after the other articles in this series. I wouldn’t be surprised if others are wondering about the same thing. Here is what she asks:

“After I read your article on children and fighting, I wondered how you handled apologies. Did you have your children apologize to each other (even when they weren’t really sorry) and/or make restitution? I have tried this at times, but it often leads to greater pride and a sense of entitlement rather than mercy and grace. Any thoughts?”

Yes, we did have our children ask forgiveness of each other. We avoided “I’m sorry,” because it doesn’t require a response from the other person. If there is a response, it often is, “It’s okay.” The reality is that it wasn’t okay. However, we encouraged them to say, “Will you please forgive me?” and then express what they needed forgiveness for. That gave the other child the opportunity for a verbal response and to release negative emotions he might have been feeling.

It was obvious that sometimes the words were said—on both sides—without the heart being involved. They were children, though, and that wasn’t surprising. We still wanted them to learn the biblical path to handling offenses and wrongs. We were helping our children develop a habit that we prayed would be heartfelt as they developed emotional and spiritual maturity, even if it that didn’t happen in childhood.

Homeschool Home Organization

As we conclude this series on siblings fighting, I want to emphasize again the innumerable benefits of an organized home. In this case, it will help you avoid the stress and heartaches that result from children quarreling. A peaceful, organized home guided with a schedule and effective chore system keeps family members productive, occupied, and often helps lift Mom’s burden of not only keeping a clean home and but also of having to deal with fighting children.

Here is a real-life example of that from a mom who had used Managers of Their Homes to help her develop a schedule.

“Today we were talking at dinner about our schedule when I asked the children how they felt about it. The seven-year-old said he likes having a schedule because it helps him behave better. Wanting to know more, I asked him why he would behave better on a schedule. He said, ‘Because everything has an order, and we know what to do. Also Mom is calmer, and I don’t fight with my brother so much.’

“The four-year-old said, ‘I like the schedule because there is a time for my brother to play with me so I don’t have to beg! And Mommy plays with me more.’” Kathy

If you don’t have a schedule or a successful chore system, I strongly suggest that you getManagers of Their Homes  and Managers of Their Chores , read, and implement them. They have helped tens of thousands of moms toward their goal of a peaceful, organized home, and I know they will help you as well.

If you have them, and aren’t currently utilizing what you have learned from them, summer is a great time to bring out your old friends, reread them, and put a schedule and chore system in place for the coming school year.

I know some days—or maybe most days—with little children, you feel like all you do is correct and redirect their behavior.  May I encourage you with this verse: “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not” (Galatians 6:9). Your goal is children who love Jesus, love others, and live for Him. Oh what peace! Oh what joy! It is worth it! Be encouraged to stay the course!

Are They Fighting? – Part 2

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We are continuing a series of articles written to answer this question: “I read your articles about siblings. You said you did not allow hitting, pushing, etc. What did you do when it happened, and how do you prevent it???” If you haven’t read the articles the mom refers to, here is the link. You also might want to read part 1 of this series, which is found here.

Behavior Rules

Of course, with little children discussions, reasoning, and sharing Scripture are mostly preparation for the future. They don’t have the mental, emotional, or spiritual maturity to make decisions based on that information. So we had some specific rules, such as:

  • No hitting, pushing, or biting.
  • No name-calling.
  • No grabbing toys from one another.
  • Share kindly.
  • Speak sweetly.
  • Be loving.

Consistent Consequences

Then, if a child did one of the things they weren’t supposed to do—which was quite likely—we tried to be consistent with a consequence. Of course, the reality was that we didn’t observe each infraction nor were we 100% consistent with consequences even when we saw something that was wrong. But we certainly did try. “Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul” (Proverbs 29:17).

Chair Sitting

The consequences had to be simple because obviously there was more to life than correcting children. One consequence that we used frequently was for the child to sit for a specified time on a dining room chair. Now phones have timer apps, but back then I had a kitchen timer that I could set for five minutes. I placed it beside the child so he could watch his time counting down, and then he could get up when it beeped.

I found that to be a very easy consequence that I could use consistently. It separated the child from the problem, gave him time to reflect, kept him from doing something he would rather be doing, and generally provided a few minutes of peace. When the child got off the chair, if he went back to his play and once again wasn’t nice to a sibling, I put him back on the chair—for longer this time.

Dry Crusts and No Sweets

“Better is a dry morsel, and quietness therewith, than an house full of sacrifices with strife” (Proverbs 17:1). This verse was the inspiration of another consequence we used with our children. Here is a little background to help you understand: We purchased wheat berries, ground them into flour, and made fresh, nutritious bread for our family. Our children liked the inside pieces of bread, but not the outside crusts very much.

Rather than waste the crusts, I would dry them for breadcrumbs or croutons. One day, after reading Proverbs 17:1, Steve and I decided that we would use “dry morsels” (i.e. dry crusts) for a consequence when the children weren’t being kind to each other. I would have the child, or children, involved come to the dining room table and give each one a dry crust.

We would briefly discuss the applicable verse, explaining that we would rather eat dry crusts and have love demonstrated in our home than to be able to eat the delicious food we ate but have unkindness evident. This was a great real-life example of that verse. The dry crusts weren’t something they gagged on. They just didn’t prefer them. It removed the child from the problem for a space of time. In addition, it was actually healthy for them.

Sometimes when the children weren’t nice to each other we talked about the need for them to be sweet. For a consequence, we would take away their dessert. We didn’t have dessert all the time, so this consequence was only as effective as the frequency that we ate dessert.

If/Then Chart

A tool we found valuable in being consistent with consequences for the children is the If-Then Chart. While we didn’t develop the If/Then Chart, we now sell it because it was so helpful to me when our children were young. Part of the struggle I had as a mom in being consistent with consequences was knowing what consequence to give for a particular problem. With the If/Then Chart, those decisions were made. It was a simple matter for me to go to the If-Then Chart when a situation arose, read the verse to the child, and know what the consequence would be.

Certainly in a family we prefer unity, whether it is husband and wife, parents and children, or between the children themselves. Physically lashing out for what you want or in retaliation for what made you unhappy does not develop unity, and while it is typical of little children, it isn’t acceptable for older children or adults. We wanted our children to grow up knowing that such behavior was not only inappropriate, but it was simply unacceptable. They knew that was true not because Steve and I said it, but because it wasn’t pleasing to Jesus.

P. S. I just want to remind you that a schedule helps greatly with mitigating the problems that arise between siblings. It also allows Mom time to deal with the issues that do come up. If you aren’t already using a schedule, summer is a good time to get Managers of Their Homes, read it, try a modified summer schedule, and then be ready when school starts to have a full-fledged schedule.

Stress Busters – Part 4

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As we wrap up the stress busters series, I would like to consider a stress buster that ties in with stress buster 1, which was using a schedule. Have you ever had a nightmare that involved being back in school? Maybe it went a little like this: It was time for a test, but with a pounding heart you suddenly realized that you hadn’t studied for it. Maybe it wasn’t a dream. Perhaps that is what really happened when you were in school. Stress comes when we are unprepared or not keeping up. What is the antidote for that stress? Being consistent!

If you have consistent study habits—a set time and a set place and you actually study—you will be prepared for the test without feeling stressed. However, if you allow other activities and interruptions to steal away that study time, you will likely feel stress not only as you approach the test but also when you take it.

A Surprising Stress-Buster

Consistency eliminates stress by preparing us for what is ahead and keeping us from falling behind. That was one key to the success of Roald Amundsen, the famous explorer of arctic regions in the early 1900s, who was the first to reach the South Pole. Amundsen was consistent as he prepared for his expedition. In addition, while trekking overland toward the pole, he kept a consistent pace on good days. On bad days, if there was any possibility at all of forward movement, he started out and went whatever distance he could go, even if it wasn’t far.

In contrast, Robert Scott, Amundsen’s English competitor who was also trying to reach the South Pole, took cover in the bad weather and pushed too hard when the weather allowed travel, wearing his crew out. Amundsen’s commitment to covering at least a few miles on bad days and keeping to a reasonable pace for a reasonable distance on good days—consistency—added up over the course of his journey. It is a little like the fable of the tortoise and the hare.

Pretty much universally, moms like a clean, organized, well-managed home. As busy moms, we will find that being consistent in our housework means that we aren’t falling behind, we have a livable environment, and if guests drop by, we aren’t embarrassed—definite stress busters!

Chore consistency is demonstrated by a master chore list, chore assignments, and a chore schedule that is being utilized. Then we know what should be done, who will do it, and when it will be accomplished. If this is an area of need for you, we would recommend Managers of Their Chores, where we give you direction for setting up and implementing a successful chore plan.

Consistency in Homeschooling

Consider consistency in homeschooling for those who are homeschool moms. It is the mom who consistently tackles schoolwork day by day who reaches the end of the school year with school books completed and children who have progressed educationally, prepared for their standardized tests should those be required. It is the mom who isn’t consistent in her school time who will experience the stress involved in getting behind in school. That stress is a great discourager.

“Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise: Which having no guide, overseer, or ruler, Provideth her meat in the summer, and gathereth her food in the harvest” (Proverbs 6:6-8). We see ants busily going about their acquisition of food and building their homes. They are consistently working away day by day, and even though they are very small, their consistency enables their survival.

There are many interruptions in our days—interruptions that can cause stress. However, if we see the importance of consistency, we continue to tackle those tasks that are before us, not allowing the interruptions to sidetrack us, or at least not to pull us away for long. When they do pull us off track, we aren’t stressed because we have had steady accomplishment and know we will be right back on track soon.

Consistency in sleep gives us one of the most important ingredients for stress resistance—energy! Something as simple as going to bed at the same time and getting up at the same time every day allows you to get the sleep you need and to accomplish necessary tasks each morning without falling behind. If you don’t go to bed in time, then the morning arrives and you don’t want to get up, and you’re sluggish when you do. Instantly stress is a part of your day, before you even put your feet on the ground.

You might ask, What if the children are awake in the night, and I am up with them? I would suggest that for consistency at those times, you go ahead and get up at the usual time. Then plan to take a nap in the afternoon to make up for the lost nighttime sleep.

“So built we the wall; and all the wall was joined together unto the half thereof: for the people had a mind to work” (Nehemiah 4:6). When Nehemiah returned to Jerusalem to rebuild it, he set his people to work. They tenaciously tackled first one part of the wall and then another because the people were willing to work. It is quite possible that consistency is closely tied to work. Perhaps most, if not all, consistency requires work.

What about us? Are we willing to work, or are we looking for ways to avoid it? Chores are work. Making meals is work. Laundry is work. Homeschooling is work. Even going to bed and getting up on time is a form of work—the work of self-discipline.

In the priorities the Lord has given to me, I want to be like Nehemiah or Amundsen—consistent. I am sure that consistency will be part of eliminating stress for me, and it will move me forward toward the goals I have. I like that idea, and I believe it is worth investing in consistency.

Stress Busters – Part 3

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Stress is all around us. It mocks us when we try to do something on our computers, and it won’t work. It attacks us in difficult relationships. It pressures us when there seems to be too much to do. It confronts us when we face obstacles in life that appear unsolvable. What are we to do about all that stress?

Put Into Practice

In Part 2  we discussed the importance of God’s Word as we deal with stress. However, even if we read our Bibles eight hours a day, if we never practice anything we learn, stress could still be our taskmaster. “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves” (James 1:22).  I can’t help but wonder if being a doer of the Word in regards to stress means being a woman of prayer. Here’s why I think that.

“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7). If I were to put that first part in my own words, I might say, “Don’t let anything stress you. Instead lay those potentially stressful situations before the Lord in prayer!”

The antidote for stress is prayer, supplication, and thanksgiving. Prayer is talking to God. Supplication is humbly asking Him for something. Thanksgiving is being grateful.

I had one goal for this week—to write the monthly Mom’s Corner—but here’s what happened. Monday we were preparing for a birthday. Two girls were gone helping a family who just had a baby, leaving me with a much larger portion of the preparation than I usually have. Tuesday I was catching up with e-mail because of Saturday’s Titus 2 prayer and fasting day. Wednesday and Thursday I had two very sick daughters with a stomach virus whom I was nursing while covering their part of the household work. That left Friday as the Mom’s Corner writing day. In the morning I had house cleaning to do, but the afternoon was available

Instead of sitting down at my computer when it was the right time and beginning the Mom’s Corner, I decided to quickly download an e-book Steve and I wanted to read together. When I went to download it, though, I couldn’t get it to work. As I spent more time fiddling with it, I began to feel stressed since I wasn’t moving on to my main goal of writing.

Danger of Avoiding Prayer

I will confess. I didn’t pray. I just kept pushing my efforts through while experiencing those stressful feelings. I wonder what would have happened if I had prayed. It might have gone like this: “Lord Jesus, You know that I really want to write the Mom’s Corner this afternoon, and I also would like to have this book ready for Steve and me to read tonight. I can’t get this book to download, and it is taking longer than I wanted it to take. Thank You, Jesus, for my computer. Thank You that I found the book as a free download. Would You please help me?”

I expect the Lord would have encouraged me to drop the book download and write the Mom’s Corner, going back to the download when the article was completed. After all, the Mom’s Corner was the priority. It is possible He might have directed me to the solution for the computer issue so I would have had the book available at bedtime when Steve and I read together for a little bit. At the least, I would have known that I was doing what He wanted me to do—praying. It would have made a difference in the way I experienced the stress. Instead, though, we often battle through the stress on our own, just like I did in this situation.

The Lord doesn’t want me to carry stress. “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Do I really believe that? Do you? If I do, then I will give Him my cares through prayer.

“Pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Did you ever wonder, when you come to that verse, how one prays without ceasing? We have discussed that as a family, and the more we learn about prayer, the more it appears the “praying without ceasing” is an attitude of prayer in everything. It is there when trying to download an e-book or write a Mom’s Corner. It is part of nursing sick loved ones. It undergirds decisions. It cries out for wisdom and grace when interacting with a grumbly, whining child.

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee” (Isaiah 26:3). Does perfect peace sound like the opposite of stressed to you? It sure does to me. I love that picture of a mom whose heart has perfect peace. I can just see her now. The house is full of children running here and there. She is in the midst of trying to get dinner on the table. The baby begins crying, but she has a sweet smile on her face because her heart has perfect peace. I desire that in my life, and I am sure you do as well. Sadly, in that situation, too often I know I had the furrows of a frown on my face as I stoically accomplished what needed to be done.

We stay our minds on God by praying. We pray because we trust that He cares for us and wants our cares cast on Him. We believe His Word. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

I doubt I will get it right every time, but I sure do like smiles better than frowns, peace better than anxiety, and praying better than stressing. “The LORD is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth” (Psalm 145:18). Will you call on Him and experience the power that prayer has as a stress buster?

Stress Busters – Part 2

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Stress manages to worm its way into our lives stealthily through daily living or by force when major events hit us. Either way, stress takes a toll—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My desire is to learn better and better how to eliminate, and properly respond to, potential stress. I think that’s your goal as well. The next stress buster I would like to consider is daily time reading the Bible.

Stress Answers for Moms

Do you believe that the answers and godly responses to the stressors in our lives come from God’s Word? “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path” (Psalm 119:105). “Through thy precepts I get understanding: therefore I hate every false way” (Psalm 119:104). If this is true, why is it that we have such trouble being in the Word each day? I have struggled to be faithful in reading my Bible at times.

When Steve and I were saved just a couple of years after being married, we became solid church attenders—Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. We read our Bibles regularly, but we didn’t have a daily Bible-reading habit established in our lives.

I remember a few years later hearing a preacher teach on the importance of being in God’s Word every day. It was convicting, and I agreed with the Scriptures he used and the truth he presented. I desired that for my life. At the end of the message, with every head bowed and every eye closed, he wanted us to make a vow to read our Bibles every day for at least five minutes and then testify to that by raising our hands. I was not willing to make a vow because I thought I might not keep it. As the invitation lingered, I felt a bit of guilt that I wouldn’t make the vow and raise my hand, but I stuck with my decision.

Daily Time in God’s Word

Now, thirty years later, I can tell you that by God’s grace I have not missed a personal daily Bible time for twenty-five years. It wasn’t a vow that allowed that to happen but the reality of the vital connection the Word gives us with our Savior. First, I found that I simply desired fellowship with my Lord Jesus. “As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God” (Psalm 42:1). Then I realized that if I were to become the woman God wanted me to be, I needed to grow in the grace of Jesus Christ. I had to crave the Word of God just as a baby craves milk. “As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby: If so be ye have tasted that the Lord is gracious” (1 Peter 2:2-3).

Finally, Steve and I knew that we had to make up our minds to be in the Word every day. It had to become a non-negotiable part of our day. “These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so” (Acts 17:11). Hit and miss didn’t work because it was simply too easy to make excuses to put it off to another day. Each day became a ping-pong debate of “Will I or won’t I?” with the resulting negative consequences of a day without spiritual feeding if the decision was that I wouldn’t.

In my busiest times of homeschooling plus being pregnant and having babies, it would have seemed reasonable not to have had personal, daily time in the Word. I found, though, that during those seasons I needed daily spiritual nourishment even more than at other times. It almost seemed a necessity for me to figure out ways to make daily Bible time a reality, and as I cried out to the Lord, He helped me.

It might not surprise you to know that we like using schedules at our house. We have a set time to get up in the morning that allows us thirty minutes of personal Bible-reading time. Sometimes life interferes with those normal schedules, but we still make a wake-up plan in order to have our time in the Word. If we get up later, time in the Word comes first and other parts of the day are skipped. Even if we have an extra-early event, we get up that much earlier to be able to be in the Word. For example, when we are in Colorado in the summer, we will usually climb a 14,000-foot peak or two. To be able to summit and get back down in the trees before the afternoon thunderstorms hit, we often have to be on the trail at 4:00 a.m. Since the trailhead generally isn’t close to our lodging, we might have an hour-long, or more, drive to it. That means we set our alarms to get up as early as 1:30 a.m. in order to have time in the Word and be ready for our hike before we leave.

Time Management Almost Creates Times

If you want to have time reading your Bible, but you really aren’t sure where to read or how to make that time practical and applicable to your life, then I would suggest reading Sweet Journey.

If you struggle with a schedule that will let you have Bible-reading time, I recommend Managers of Their Homes. Almost universally, when a mom puts together a schedule she carves out time to be in the Word. That schedule not only sets aside the time she needs but gives her accountablility and routine to make it sustainable.

“Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night” (Psalm 1:1-2). As I face my stressors, I need God’s blessing, strength, and grace. Do you?

Stress Busters – Part 1

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Stress is a terrible taskmaster. Sometimes it can feel like it is crushing us, and we not only have an emotional response to it but also a physical response. I can’t help but wonder if those feelings aren’t triggers to remind us that the Lord doesn’t want us to bear burdens alone.

Stress Busters for Homeschool Moms

One of the most important stress-busters that the Lord has given to me is my schedule. Years ago when I was still having babies and homeschooling, the Lord began to teach me about scheduling. That schedule alleviated many stressors I faced on a daily basis. Those stressors are ones that most moms will have in their lives. A schedule is the Lord’s direction for using my time to accomplish the responsibilities He has given to me. When I am doing that, the stressors are disarmed and not effective in their bombardment of my emotions. Let me share with you a few recent examples of how a schedule helped relieve stress for moms.

Consider the stress of a newborn in the family. However, here is what a mom wrote to me when her baby was about 4 weeks old:

“Having a schedule already in place when Joseph was born has proved to be invaluable. Some days have been a struggle, but other days like today have been amazing! Today the house is tidy, the children have been on schedule—it feels great! I have tried to remain on the schedule as much as possible. I know that the benefits will continue to be reaped in the many months and years to come.”

Dealing with Stress and Physical Illness

Then there is the stress than comes when one is struggling with an illness. Another mom recently told me about how her schedule has helped her in the midst of her illness:

“The bedtime/waketime have helped me in so many ways. The main way is how I feel. Even though I still have adrenal fatigue, the tiredness during the day has lessened because my body is getting more regulated sleep and more sleep earlier at night. Also, since I have struggled with self-discipline for a long time, it feels so victorious to get up and go to bed at the same times and know how beneficial that is to have an organized, productive day. It certainly will help my health as well!”

Stress Buster for Being Away from Home

Perhaps you are facing stress from having to be away from home for one reason or another. Can a schedule be a stress-buster for this situation? This mom had pre-surgery appointments on Monday and Wednesday with surgery on Friday. Here is how her schedule relieved stress for her:

“On Monday and Wednesday the family carried on and worked hard and pretty much stayed on task. They knew what to do and did it! We are finally seeing some consistent productivity; I am so very pleased with where we are right now.”

Then there are the normal, everyday stressful events that busy moms face continually. For me, my schedule prevented much of that stress. Here is what one mom told me happened in her home after just four weeks on her schedule.

“Laundry is being kept up—clean clothes and towels every day.

The children have been consistently doing their chores.

The kitchen and kitchen sink are much cleaner more consistently, and I’ve noticed that directly affects my mood :).

We are saving money on house keepers that were coming in once a week.

I feel so much better about ministry as a wife, mother, and homemaker. I feel like I am finally honoring my husband and the Lord with my efforts in our home. I can only explain it as pure joy in my heart. 🙂

There is a peace in our home now.

Even our older children having been responding so well to the schedule.

After being on a schedule now for several weeks, it isn’t intimidating anymore. Before starting this I really felt like it was too big of a task, and I was worried about being too restricted in my life or tied to a schedule but it was just the opposite. I am experiencing so much more freedom by getting our daily tasks done, and one very nice benefit to that is feeling like I am doing the tasks that God has called me to do. It’s a wonderful feeling. 🙂

My husband told me that when he comes home and things are looking so good and dinner is being cooked and the children are NOT running wild, he feels loved, and he feels like I really care about him and our family. He confessed that before when he would walk into our home in complete chaos, he thought I didn’t care or maybe I had given up. I’m not sure if I had already told you this or not. He keeps mentioning things like this to me :). That made me so happy to hear. It also let me know just how much our previous chaotic life hurt him and our marriage.”

Managers of Their Homes

Scheduling Key to Stress-Busting

Isn’t that amazing? All she did was make and implement a schedule! I desire these kinds of outcomes in my home, and I believe you do too

A schedule is the key for many. Our book Managers of Their Homes will help you toward a schedule if you don’t already have one.

We are facing the beginning of a new year soon, and there is no better time to begin a schedule or make revisions to one that isn’t being used effectively. The days between Christmas and New Year’s often provide a few hours for a mom that aren’t as hectic as the earlier part of the holiday season or as full as normal daily life can be.

That would be the perfect opportunity to ask the Lord for His direction for your schedule. “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

Why battle stressors in your life when you can eliminate them? There are plenty of stressful things that we have no control over. A schedule, however, gives us a great amount of control over some major stressors in home life. Making a schedule is worth the time investment in order to gain the benefits it affords.

Are You Stressed?

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Stress Takes Over

I just read an e-mail from a friend telling me how stressed she was. This friend generally deals nicely with the stressors in her life without allowing them to overpower her. This time, however, she was expressing much frustration over her stress and suggested that I should write a Mom’s Corner about dealing with stress. I wasn’t sure I was the one to write that article, but I decided to try.

Is there any mom who doesn’t live with occasional feelings of stress? It seems that whether we have little children or older children, whether we homeschool or have our children in another type of school, whether we live in the city or in the country—no matter what, moms have potential stressors in their lives, waiting to raise their ugly heads and strike, stealing our joy and peace.

Stress and Deadlines

My family will tell you that I don’t like deadlines! If anything can cause me to feel stressed, deadlines can. In August, I was faced with a number of back-to-back deadlines starting with preparing for a 2-week vacation. After that we would be home for two days before leaving for our son’s wedding, which would also be the start of a four-week speaking trip. Any one of those three events had the potential for plenty of stress. Add all three together—wheweeeee!

When I give in to stress it changes me, and I feel emotional pressure. If I focus on the stressors, it makes me anxious about the situation. I can become frustrated. Often my attitudes and responses toward my family change.

Where do those stress responses come from? Could they possibly come from a spirit of pride in feeling that everything depends on me? If I don’t do it, it won’t get done. It has to be done, and done my way! If that’s at the root of our reactions, we have to remind ourselves it isn’t true.

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30). Whatever is stressing me, the Lord assures me that He is in the yoke with me, and that actually makes the burden light. If it feels heavy, then I know it is because I think I am bearing the burden alone.

Stress Comes from Outside Circumstances

Perhaps the stress is coming from circumstances outside of our control. Several years ago, we were in California interacting with our conference coordinator. She was a vivacious, sweet-spirited mom, and I heard her say a number of times, “No worries, no worries.” She seemed to never carry any anxiety or stress.

I believe she was doing what Philippians 4:6 tells us to do. “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.” “Be careful for nothing” means don’t worry about anything. God tells us right out not to worry, and no worry equates to not being stressed. I do what the Lord would have me do and trust Him for the results.

What does Philippians say is the outcome of not worrying but instead praying and making requests with gratitude? “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7). Now that’s the state I want to live in! I desire to have the peace of God that passes understanding keeping my heart and mind through Jesus.

If I am not to be stressed, I have to make a choice. I can allow the stress to fill my mind and build the emotional pressure I am experiencing, or I can do what 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”

I believe those feelings of stress are “imaginations,” and negative thoughts are to be taken captive—brought under control. To do that, I choose to pray with thanksgiving, letting God know my concerns. I remind myself that the responsibility isn’t mine alone. For me that takes a conscious effort. I have to stop myself, quiet my mind, refocus on the Lord Jesus, and pray. I need to speak God’s truth to my heart or else I will continue feeling the emotional pressure of the stress. When the feelings come back, I do it again.

During that high-stress time this late summer and fall, I worked hard toward all three goals—vacation, wedding/rehearsal dinner, and a speaking trip. When stress started to sneak into my mind—which it did regularly—I prayed, taking my thoughts captive, turning the responsibility back to the Lord, and trusting Him. Not only did I have the Lord to help me, but I had a whole capable and willing family team as well. There were things I didn’t have to do because they had volunteered for the responsibility.

I even asked my girls to tell me if they could discern the attitude that I have that goes with stress, even if I wasn’t recognizing it myself. I vividly remember one morning when they told me it was okay, and there was nothing to worry about. I knew by those statements, without them actually verbalizing it, that I was in stress mode. I was determined to be a victor over the stress that could bring me down. Rather than pushing aside the conviction and running on in my frenzy, I put a smile on my face (that may be one of the biggest de-stressors), took a deep breath while I prayed, and chose to set aside the worry in my thoughts.

During those weeks, I continually did what I could, was grateful for help, and came back over and over to resting in the Lord and trusting Him to help us bring it all together in time for each deadline. Do you know what? He did!

Do you face stress regularly, if not on a daily basis? Could the solution be so simple? Could I encourage you to not feel alone but to know that Jesus bears the yoke with you? Could I also encourage you to pray and take the negative thoughts captive? No worries!

You’d Be Surprised

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Sometimes on MOTHBoard (the forum for registered owners of Managers of Their Homes books to discuss scheduling issues), we receive some extraordinary information. That happened recently, and I wanted to share it with you. First you will hear from a mom who is having trouble getting her girls to do their scheduled chores. Then you will read about an unusual but extremely powerful solution. I think you will be challenged.

How I Encouraged My Children to Do Their Chores

“Hello, my issue is with my 11, 13, and 16-year-old daughters doing their chores. The 16-year-old will do them but not always when she’s meant to. The 13-year-old is very, very slow at doing them. The 11-year-old will stamp upstairs, mutter under her breath, scream and shout, etc. before she does them, and sometimes she won’t do them. I am at my wit’s end. Mummy”

“Hi, Mummy,
We did something very unpopular, but it has been very, very effective. We stopped all media. That means no television shows and no video games. The only Internet in our house is on my computer in the main area of the home, so it’s visually accessible to everyone in the home.

I know. Some families cannot even imagine life without a television, and that’s okay. But if I may share some of the benefits with you, one of them is that our daughters’ behaviors and attitudes improved by leaps and bounds that first year.

The other benefits would include how much more creative they have become in problem solving, their grades have improved, they’ve learned to do things like sewing and bike riding more instead of sitting stagnant in front of the TV. Most importantly, they aren’t exposed to as many sinful images. So their eyes (Jesus calls our eyes, or sight/vision, the “window to the soul”) are protected more. The result of that? They’ve had an increased understanding of God’s Word, and their relationship with Him is more precious to them. Plus our family is much, much closer.

Removing media from your home will not be an easy decision. Lots of stomping and snorting and complaining may follow from your children. If you and your sweet husband pray about it, however, and come up with a plan to implement that strategy, you will never regret it.

That’s just one idea. 🙂 It has improved our lives so very much, and I hope you won’t mind my sharing it.

Praying with you.

Lots of love in Christ,
Melissa”

Sometimes families battle with difficult attitudes in children without realizing there are influences that might be underlying those attitudes. We were quite impressed by the changes this family discovered when they chose to remove media from their children’s lives. It was impressive to hear about the changes that can occur in children’s attitudes and in their relationships with Jesus when media is removed. Doing chores is important, but there is nothing as vital to a life than a relationship with Jesus Christ. What would happen if you removed media from your home?

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Godly and Worldly Sorrow

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In Sweet Relationships, I mentioned godly sorrow versus worldly sorrow. Recently, I had a mom request that I write a Mom’s Corner with more information on the difference between the two. Here are the verses from which I get the terms “godly sorrow” and “worldly sorrow”:

“For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death. For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter” (2 Corinthians 7:10-11).

Difference Between Godly and Worldly Sorrow

In context, I think that godly sorrow here is talking about sorrow for our sin and the state of our lives before salvation. That sorrow leads to the repentance that is necessary for a relationship with Jesus Christ. However, as I would read this section of Scripture during my years of depression, I could see that those terms related to the sorrow that I was dealing with in my life.

When I failed—perhaps I was angry with the children, for instance—I would feel sorry, intensely sorry. My sorrow, though, wasn’t godly sorrow but rather worldly sorrow. My sorrow focused on myself, my inability to be patient, and my continual failures. I had a pity party for myself through my sorrowing—“poor me” was at the center of my thoughts. Sometimes I would cry and cry over my failure. That type of sorrow was certainly leading me further into depression.

As I cried out to the Lord for help, He began showing me the difference between my worldly sorrow and what godly sorrow would be. The focus of godly sorrow is those who have been hurt or offended by the action—the Lord and the other person—not the offender. My thoughts needed to turn from “poor me” to the actual sin and the ones I was wronging through that sin. My emotion should have been for them rather than for myself.

Through those insights, the Lord showed me how to move from worldly sorrow to godly sorrow. He also gave me a specific verse to facilitate this change. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). For me, godly sorrow meant that I would confess my sin not only to God but also to the one I had sinned against, usually my husband or children. I would ask for their forgiveness.

I am not perfect in having godly sorrow instead of worldly sorrow, but that change was instrumental in pulling me from depression and in keeping me from it. Godly sorrow is my desire now, and when I realize that I am wallowing in worldly sorrow, I know the path out of it.

Distinct Markers Between Godly and Worldly Sorrow

In the years since the Lord showed me the difference between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow for my own life, I have observed some additional contrasts. Often, worldly sorrow uses the words, “I am sorry.” There is no real response to that statement. On the other hand, godly sorrow uses the words, “Please forgive me.” That statement gives the other person the opportunity to forgive, which would be a biblically-correct emotional release for both parties.

Worldly sorrow generally makes excuses for the action, such as: “I was tired. I didn’t feel good. I wasn’t thinking straight. I can’t handle so much going on at once.” That seems to indicate it wasn’t really the fault of the person who did wrong. Sometimes those excuses can almost put the blame on the one who was wronged, implying that in some way they actually caused the other person’s negative words or actions. Godly sorrow takes the blame. When I have godly sorrow, I say I was wrong and ask for forgiveness without justification.

Worldly sorrow seems to exist in a realm of pride, whereas godly sorrow appears to be wrapped in humility. Because of the excuses and focus on self, my worldly sorrow was the epitome of pride. It was there because I couldn’t handle or face my failures. The repentance involved in godly sorrow is a key factor in humility. 1 Peter 5:5-6 tells us to “ . . . be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God . . .”

Another difference between godly sorrow that is rooted in humility and worldly sorrow that is likely rooted in pride is that worldly sorrow does not want the offense brought up once it has passed and been worked through. The humility of godly sorrow allows it to be spoken of in the future, and the offender once again expresses his sadness to the offended over the situation.

An extreme example of this is marital unfaithfulness, but it can apply to lesser offenses as well. The situations that have been shared with us have involved a husband being unfaithful. In the aftermath of that, as the couple tries to rebuild their lives together, worldly sorrow reacts to any boundaries that a wife may desire. For example, the husband will be unhappy if his wife wants to know where he is going alone or asks to have protection on the Internet. The man who lives in godly sorrow welcomes accountability and uses it to affirm his commitment to the marriage and love for his wife.

I have walked in both worldly and godly sorrow. Worldly sorrow only brought greater despair to my life, whereas godly sorrow led me to peace and freedom. I pray that each of you may experience the victory of godly sorrow rather than the condemnation of worldly sorrow.

Loving Your Husband

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How to Love Your Husband

I feel loved and encouraged when a friend or family member does something for me that saves me time, that is something I don’t enjoy doing, that is difficult for me to do, or that simply makes life easier in a big or little way. I believe the same is true for my husband. Steve and I will have been married for 40 years next month. One of the greatest joys in my life is that we are happily married. Because of the love I have for my husband, I want to bless him.

Several years ago, a number of ladies on a message board we hosted shared ways they loved their husbands by blessing them. Reading these little testimonials again uplifted my heart as I saw wives who desired to do practical things for their husbands that would make them feel the love these wives had for them. They also motivated me to look for ways to bless my husband. I wanted to share with you what these wives gave to me, hoping that they will spur you on to continue investing in that precious relationship you have with your husband.

—I try to make sure he never has to get his own drink of water or whatever. I try to notice if it is almost empty and ask him if he would like a refill. I serve him his plate of food first at the meals.
—I lay his clothes out for him the night before. He has to dress nicely, and he HATES looking for something to wear. I try to have it all nicely pressed and a matching tie on the hanger, too.
—I never talk badly about him, ever, no matter what.
—When I’m done washing, drying, and folding the clothes, I put them away. For my husband, this is an extra he really appreciates!
—I leave him notes in unexpected places—mirror, pant’s pocket, lunch cooler, etc. The notes say things like, “You’re the best . . . Thanks for all you do . . . I miss you every day . . . Can’t wait for you to be home from work . . . Praying for you . . . Have a super day . . .”
—Getting my husband’s morning coffee is a blessing to him.
—It is so much fun for me to bless my husband! He has a sweet tooth, so I try to fill it with nutritionally superior goodies, which he loves.
—I CONSTANTLY remind him of how very thankful I am for him, how I appreciate that he provides for our family, and how wonderful he is.
—I really try to make sure I do whatever he mentions that needs to be done because he rarely asks me to do anything for him.
—My husband likes it when I call him during the day, out of the blue, just to say, “I love you,” or “I miss you.” He told me that really makes him feel special.
—I make bread from freshly milled flour because my husband loves it.
—I try to always have some freshly-baked goodies around for him and ask him what he would like me to bake.
—I make meals that I know will please him and always serve him first.
—He calls me his “wardrobe consultant.” I try to help him pick out his clothes, making sure his socks, belt, and shoes match.
—I always say “I love you” whenever we are parting.
—I make the phone calls he asks me to make.
—I send out birthday cards and such to his family members.
—Because my husband has trouble getting up on time in the morning, I set an alarm to make sure I get up and then make sure he gets up on time.
—I purchased a small whiteboard and hung it by the back door. It is for his use only. I asked him to write extra things on it that he would like me to accomplish each day, such as phone calls, research, or errands. I have a visual reminder of what he needs, and he is confident it will be done when he gets home. If I can’t finish it that day, I call and ask him if it can be delayed.
—I put a small basket in our bathroom with two mini-notebooks and a pen in it. One notebook is for him, and the other is for me. I try to write a note on each page and date it. I try to do this at least twice a week. I write things about appreciating something he’s done, like taking out the trash, or share my admiration for character traits that I see in him.
—I call when I am going to be late.
—Dinner is always on the table at six at his request.
—I respect my husband’s opinions and wisdom.

Steve and I have experienced the documented fact that relationships grow through our investment in them. Sometimes as busy moms we become so focused on children, homeschooling, homemaking, and other activities that we lose our emphasis on the husband and wife relationship.

I recently listened to a Dr. SM Davis message on marriage and was reminded that when the children leave home and the nest is empty, a husband and wife want to have a friendship and a love for each other that makes their lives happy and enjoyable. I believe the key to that end is ongoing investment during these years of raising children. We have found that it is easy to become lazy and take one another for granted. Anything of value takes effort.

My prayer is that, as you read the ways other wives invest in their husbands’ lives, you will recall or discover ways that your husband feels loved by you. Then, put them into practice. As I read through the list I am sharing with you, I thought about how, for the most part, each of these things takes very little time, and yet how strongly they communicate “I love you. You are important to me. I value you.” I want Steve to feel that from me. I think you want your husband to feel it from you.