Category Archives: Marriage

Good or Bad Trade

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We are faced with so many decisions in life. Most have minimal consequences, but some have huge ones. What do you consider when you make a decision? Is it, “What’s in it for me?”, “I know this is the best long-term choice.”, or “I’m confident this is consistent with God’s will for my life and family.”?

Teri and I recently had a conversation with a wife that highlighted the importance of what you use as a basis for decision making. Her husband LOVES motorcycles. For many years he has ridden one. He isn’t riding motorcycles now nor can he live with her because he is in a longterm rehabilitation care facility. Over a year and a half ago he was involved in a serious accident while riding his motorcycle. Even now it is questionable when he will come home and what sort of longterm care he will require. Think about it – eighteen months and counting. 

Would he have chosen to ride motorcycles years ago if he knew it would end in this? Likely not. The risk of serious injury is much greater when in an accident when riding a motorcycle compared to a car. He also made the decision not to wear a helmet. He didn’t like to wear them. I’m guessing that the fun/enjoyment factor is what tipped the scales for him. I understand. I LOVE the motorcycle experience. However, concern for my family weighed in as I made my decision about riding motorcycles, and motorcycles lost. 

I pray that we would put obedience to our Lord, along with love and concern for wives and families as factors to be weighed in on every decision we make. 

“Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10:31). 

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).

“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path” (Psalms 119:105). “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5).

It Is Everywhere

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This week, there was a tragedy only three blocks away from our house, just off of our daily walking route. We didn’t know the husband or wife. We had seen her outside their house a couple of times, but never close enough to have a conversation with her. His photo looked familiar, but I couldn’t figure out where I’d seen him. Apparently they had marriage problems, and his solution was to eliminate her and then himself. Friends reported that she was planning on leaving him. What an unnecessary tragedy. 

People are hurting everywhere, and likely some of you dads reading this have marriage problems. Men tend toward ignoring a problem, hoping it will go away.  That seldom solves anything. Closing our eyes and pretending it doesn’t exist will not yield peace and joy.  

Dads, if your marriage is in trouble, I plead with you,.Don’t ignore it, Seek a proper solution. The Lord is very aware of it. Don’t wait until it is in deep, deep trouble, Be proactive now. Whatever the status of your marriage, build it up, nurture it, and be determined to make it the best it can be. God put the burden of it squarely on your shoulder. 

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:25-27).

Don’t Be an Og

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Og was the giant, godless, Amorite king of Bashan. He was a mighty warrior who inspired fear in those who heard of him. He was mentioned approximately seventeen times in the Bible indicative of his reputation. Yet, God told the Israelites, “Fear him not: for I will deliver him, and all his people, and his land, into thy hand; and thou shalt do unto him as thou didst unto Sihon king of the Amorites, which dwelt at Heshbon. So the LORD our God delivered into our hands Og also, the king of Bashan, and all his people: and we smote him until none was left to him remaining” (Deut 3:2b–3). 

We have a picture of a man, a giant, who was highly successful in his endeavors due to physical and mental gifting. He was therefore respected by those who knew of him. His success led to pride, greed, over confidence, and no fear of God. Consequently, when he moved to attack God’s people, the Lord removed him, his children, and all his people from the earth, like cleaning a dirty dish. God then gave Og’s land to Israel.

Even for those professing Jesus as Lord, it is easy to take pride in our abilities (God’s gifting to us) which can lead to overconfidence and then chastening. One consequence of pride is that God takes from one and gives to another, as we see happened with Og. Look around you—your home, your car, your wife, your children. In a blink of an eye, another could be living in your home, driving your car, embracing your wife, and caring for your children. 

Oh my brothers, it can happen in what seems like an instant. We must be the men of God He calls/commands us to be. No excuses. In the Word, loving/leading our families in the Word daily, and part of a Christ-honoring fellowship. We live for Him Who died for us. 

“But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble. Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up” (James 4:6-10). 

Contentious Spirit or Biblical Respect

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Being a godly wife who desires a thriving marriage requires intentionality, grace, and a willingness to surrender our natural impulses to the wisdom of Scripture. For a Christian wife, Scripture specifically gives us one of the most profound ways to express love for her husband–respect (Eph 5:33). We often equate respect with conditional agreement, but the Word of God anchors it in a wife’s disposition and heart attitude. True respect often manifests not in what a wife says, but in what she chooses to release, allowing her husband the room to lead, make decisions, and grow into and be the spiritual head of the home.

The Erosion of Critique

Scripture draws a stark contrast between a home built on peace and one fractured by contention. Proverbs warns against the devastating impact of a critical spirit, noting that, “A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.” (Proverbs 27:15). When a wife constantly questions decisions her husband makes, frequently offers a “better” idea, or regularly corrects him, she becomes that repetitive, wearing drip. This relentless erosion chips away at a man’s confidence and his desire to lead. The toll of this friction is so severe that Proverbs twice declares, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide  house.” (Proverbs 21:9, 25:24). We want our husbands to find the home we make for him to be a sanctuary from the battles of the world, not the place where he fights more battles.

The Power of a Meek and Quiet Spirit

To counter the temptation we wives have of criticism, God calls us to cultivate a meek and quiet spirit. Peter encourages women to focus on an internal beauty that holds eternal value: “Even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price” (1 Peter 3:4). A meek and quiet spirit is not weak. Rather, it is strength under control. It is a spirit anchored in trust—not trust in a husband’s perfection, but ultimate trust in God’s sovereignty. When a wife refrains from correcting her husband’s every word or redoing his chores because they were not done her way, she creates an atmosphere where grace can flourish. She signals that her relationship with her husband is more valuable than being right.

Cultivating Biblical Respect

This meek and quiet spirit directly fuels the biblical command for outward behavior. In Ephesians Paul instructs, “And the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). To reverence or respect a husband means to notice him, regard him, and honor him as the leader God appointed. When a wife constantly intercepts his choices with her own alternatives, she inadvertently communicates that she does not trust his judgment. By stepping back and letting his decisions stand—even when they might lead to a mistake—she honors his position. Men learn to lead by leading, and a husband will step into his leadership more fully when he knows his wife is cheering him on rather than grading his performance.

Ultimately, a wife’s choosing not to criticize, correct, or question her husband’s every decision is an act of worship of the Lord. It reflects a humble heart that trusts God to guide her husband. When a wife trades a contentious, dripping spirit for a meek and quiet one, she transforms her home into a place of peace. Her respect becomes the fertile soil in which her husband can confidently grow into the man, provider, and spiritual leader God created him to be. May I encourage you to listen and watch yourself. What spirit do you have toward your husband? 

Victim or Owner

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It amazes me that the cry of today seems to be: not my fault, he did it, that wasn’t fair, injustice, no one taught me, no one warned me, the government should have, and the list goes on. How freeing of responsibility when the problem isn’t my fault.

If you are a parent you have heard it all, but it doesn’t seem to solve any problems, does it? Somehow it does make the proclaimer feel better. If it is someone else’s fault than the child can’t be held responsible for his actions, right? The mantra of today is as old as creation. “And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat” (Genesis 3:12).

What’s the answer? First, we examine ourselves. Do we make excuses? Is that the example we set for the family? If that is your problem, you, with the Lord’s help, resolve it starting now.

Then work with your children. Define the problem to your children. Explain why it isn’t good and why it is important that we take personal responsibility for our actions and words. This is critical because we read, “For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad” (2 Corinthians 5:10). 

Clear ownership for our actions is the standard. Help your children understand what that looks like in daily life. Then be sure you affirm them when they follow the standard rather than dishing out the consequences that come with ownership of the problem for a set period of time. 

Patiently Waiting

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 This morning my sister ended her daily morning text with, “Anyway, one day at a time with patience.” That is also my story because I am nine weeks away from a surgery I would be happy if I could have tomorrow but I must wait on the surgeon’s schedule. I wonder how many of us and how often we find ourselves living “one day at a time with patience”? I want to teach and remind my heart some truths from the Word to help me do well with “one day at a time with patience.”

Job’s Patience

“. . . Ye have heard of the patience of Job . . .” (James 5:11). Job suffered much. It wasn’t from his wrong doing, but because God allowed Satan to bring immense sufferings to prove Job’s faithfulness. Job didn’t understand why it all happened, but this is what he did: “Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped . . . In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly” (Job 1:20, 22). James says Job had patience. He experienced horribly trying circumstances but worshipped God through it. What an example Job is for me.

God’s Sovereignty

Patience involves waiting for a different outcome than I’m currently experiencing. If I really  believe God is sovereign and that “all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28), then I can patiently wait for however long it takes for Him to bring about the outcome HE desires. His way is always best and His timing as well even when I don’t understand, like Job didn’t understand. 

God’s Patience

“But thou, O Lord, art a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth” (Psalms 86:15). Longsuffering means patient. Think about how patient God has been first through out history and now with you and with me personally. We experience His patience every single day. How trivial and easy my patience becomes when I compare it to the immensity of His. So when I find myself becoming impatient, I realize I’m wanting MY way more then waiting for His way. This should break my heart and bring me conviction and repentance, leading me right back to patience. 

Learning Patience

How do I actually learn patience? “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience” (James 1:2-3). Patience comes about when I choose to be joyful in the midst of trying circumstances (which are what temptations are in this verse). I choose to trust in the sovereign Almighty God, Who lovingly directs the lives of those who are His. This is the way patience is developed in my life? Yes! To get there, I am to be joyful when my situation is hard? Yes, that’s exactly what Scripture tells me. 

Practically speaking for me counting it all joy in this situation is to be thankful for modern medicine and the availability of surgery to help me. It is to be excited about the changes my body will experience when healed from the surgery. For the next nine weeks, my mind could gravitate to all the unpleasant parts of surgery and recovery and the “what ifs” of it. But that is a spirit of fear not joy. 

 Living It Out 

These are what I am taking as my truths to live one day at a time with patience. Are you in a place where you are waiting and need to live one day at a time with patience? Maybe my Scriptural focus these next 9 weeks could be helpful for you. Perhaps there are other Scriptures the Lord would put on your heart that would be what you relate to and need through your “one day at a time with patience.” Whatever the case may be, I encourage you that taking “one day at a time with patience” is a solid, living in faith, response to circumstances you would change now, if you could.

Decks, Dogs, and Marriage

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Do you have a deck? It can be a blessing and a curse, depending on how old it is. The best day of it’s life was when it was new. From then on, it has been deteriorating. If you maintain it, it will last much longer. 

Is there a parallel to marriage? They look wonderful when they are first created. The  wedding photos are of a happy couple. Often, as the years go by, wear and tear on the marriage becomes obvious. If not maintained, the marriage deteriorates. Then the desire is there to tear it down (divorce) and build a better one. The thought is the next one will be  be better than the first (sure). 

Recently, on my way into a gas station, I noticed a couple of old guys in the front seat of a car. What caught my eye was they were both turned toward the middle where a German Shepherd’s head was protruding from the back seat. The driver was holding a large cup of water with ice, so the dog could drink out of it. Seeking to engage them a bit, I stopped and mentioned that it was pretty amazing to see the dog get to share that way. The driver said seriously, “I share ice cream with him, too.” Based on what I was observing, he meant a lick for lick. I wonder how many men treat their dogs better than their wives? 

Brothers, I plead with you. Invest in your marriage. Treat your wife as the treasure that she is. Love her, bless her, and build her up. Be the spiritual leader of your home. Be in the Word everyday and help her so she has time to be in the Word as well. Have family Bible time everyday. Communicate with her. Spend time with her. Help her. Support her. You won’t regret it! 

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself” (Ephesians 5:25-28).

Did Not Hear You

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A reason one might not hear someone is that they didn’t say anything. These days, greeting children as they walk to school usually doesn’t even get a smile or a nod in response to our cheerful “Good morning.” Nothing. Okay maybe they have been instructed for safety sake to not talk to strangers, but even teenagers? We are an unwanted intrusion into their space.

Everyone with a phone is hammered with all sorts of unsolicited texts, emails, and phone calls. Yes, and there is a special word created for that. Has all of that hardened normal person-to-person communication? Likely, at a minimum it has had some affect. 

With all of the communication noise today, it is vitally important to not let that deaden us to heart-felt sharing with those we love. First of course is dedicated prayer time with our God first thing every morning no distractions, quiet and purposeful. Next, is communication with our beloved wives, our soul mates whom we have vowed to love and cherish. Do you have a date-night and other times of quality heart-to-heart dialog? Then also communication with our children. Life is crazy busy and unless our children are in trouble, they might not get good talking time with their dad. I had weekly one-on-one talking time with each child as they were growing up in our home. I loved that time, and it was so good. 

Communication is costly in time, but it is so vitally important for any relationship that is valuable to you to maintain. It isn’t just “gonna happen.” It takes being purposeful. I plead with you my brothers — make it happen. 

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers” (Ephesians 4:29).

Faith or Anxiety

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“Where faith begins, anxiety ends. Where anxiety begins, faith ends.” What do you think of those words? Do they have merit? That quote comes from George Müller, a Christian evangelist in the 1800’s famous for establishing orphanages in Bristol, England. He did not ask for money or donations, relying solely on prayer to provide for the thousands of orphans in his care. In my opinion, that man knew the reality of faith and anxiety better than most ever will.

Last month we talked about letting go of control. Why do we want to control? Often we are worried, anxious, or fearful about something so we try to do what we can to achieve the outcome we think is best. Our theme in last month’s Corner for overcoming control was trusting and obeying. He gives us responsibility for doing what He has called us to do – obedience. However, He hasn’t given us responsibility for the outcomes. We trust Him for those. Trust,which is faith, has the power to push anxiety out like the quote we started with says. But if you still find yourself with the worry and fear, what do you do?

Consider starting here. “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7). “Be careful for nothing” means don’t be anxious or worried. We are to make that choice not to be anxious. We can do that by purposely not thinking about the anxious situation because the thoughts make us anxious.

What do we do instead of thinking about it? We pray. These verses explain the content of the prayer. We are to express thanksgiving and bring our requests to God. Isn’t that what 1 Peter 5:7 is also telling us to do? “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” We cast our cares on Him Who is able to deal with them. If praying in your head isn’t working for you, what about getting down on your knees and praying out loud? I have often found that I have to pray out loud and speak right thoughts out loud for them to take over the anxious thoughts. 

Then there is something that is to happen. God’s peace, a peace that doesn’t make sense, keeps our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. If that peace isn’t there, it likely means we are still holding on to control. We haven’t really cast our cares on Him. We aren’t thinking with faith and living in the mode of trust. If we give God our requests, the God of the universe is more than capable of handling them.

Then we have this verse: “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee” (Isaiah 26:3). Wow! This is powerful. God wants our mind on Him not on our worries. When our minds are focused on our God, He keeps our hearts in “perfect peace.” Not just peace but “perfect peace.” Again we see our theme word – trust. Does it seem too simple? Would you say it doesn’t work? If so, I would ask if you have really done it. Have you taken your mind off the things causing the fear and anxiety and put your mind fully on Christ – worshipping Him, praising Him, thanking Him, and going through Who He is as God? Those are just three verses, but they are direct and clear. They are also easy to memorize. Can’t memorize? That’s what a very dear friend said to me for the past five years, but do you know what? She has just finished memorizing Psalms 121 and several other individual verses. She is thrilled. Her “I can’t” turned into “I can” when she put a little time and effort into it. What would those verses do hidden in your heart? “Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee” (Psalms 119:11).

Memorize the verses that are God’s truth and His plan to battle your fear, anxiety, and worry. Then obey them – just do what they say – over and over, if necessary. You have allowed yourself years and years and years of habitual anxious thinking. It will be a process as you let your faith truly begin as George Mueller said.

Can You Let Go?

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I can’t help but wonder if one of the greatest hindrances to us having peaceful and joyful hearts is our feelings of need to control. We may be strong in our desire to follow Jesus and be obedient to Him. However, in that zeal, the emotions surrounding our actions say that ultimately we feel the need to control outcomes. We emotionally respond as if we own the responsibility for the outcomes rather than trusting them to our Lord. I don’t believe we would say that is what we do, but our thoughts and emotions prove otherwise. 

One way I propose for you to evaluate this is to see if your life is characterized by the fruit of the Spirit, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23a). Or are you more often experiencing feelings of fear, worry, anxiety, irritability, anger, impatience, frustration, and harshness? 

When we try to control our lives, our children’s lives, and our husband’s lives – for a good reason of course, godly outcomes for all, we take on responsibility that isn’t ours. The resulting pressure is simply not what the Lord intends for us. He gives us responsibility for doing what He has called us to do – obedience. However, He hasn’t given us responsibility for the outcomes. We trust Him for those. That reminds me of a song most of us probably know, “Trust and Obey.” That’s what faith is all about – obeying the Lord and trusting Him through it. That is where we are to be whether the outcomes are what we want them to be or not. When this is the case, we don’t have to be upset, frustrated, or angry. Did God not say?

The king’s heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will. Proverbs 21:1

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

When you have those negative emotions, consider their roots. Then think through if you truly trusted God in the situation, what would the emotions be that were associated with the situation. Would they be negative or positive? I can’t help but wonder if for most they would be positive – that fruit of the Spirit. 

So then, the antidote to an attitude of control is faith – one that not only acknowledges God’s sovereignty intellectually but lives that way. It is praying when something happens that isn’t the way we wanted it to be, rather than crying or yelling. It is speaking the truth in our hearts that our trust is in God, not ourselves. It is responding to a situation over and over in a godly way without falling apart when it isn’t changing. It is casting our cares on the Lord and letting go of the continual anxiety created by a burden to control. “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you” (1 Peter 5:7).

I believe when we evaluate our feelings of needing to control things and people around us, we will find that the Lord desires our faith and trust in Him as we obey His Word. May I encourage you to be faithful in fulfilling the responsibilities the Lord has given you. But in that process, let go of trying to control outcomes. In faith, leave them to the Lord.