All posts by Teri Maxwell

Teri Maxwell is wife to Steve for over 40 years, mom to eight children (three married), and grandma to eight. She loves keeping her home running smoothly and sharing with women in the vein of Titus 2:4&5. Teri homeschooled for thirty years, and she's graduated all her children. In between her other responsibilities, she manages to squeeze in writing time. She is co-author of the popular Managers of Their Homes and Managers of Their Chores. In addition, Teri's written three books just for ladies Homeschooling with a Meek & Quiet Spirit, Sweet Journey, and Sweet Relationships. She has been writing monthly encouragement articles for homeschool moms for 25 years. Find more information on Teri Maxwell and her books.

Do They Do It?

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In this series we are addressing strategies for parents to tackle persistent problem areas in their children’s lives. Often moms experience discouragement and frustration over their children’s negative behavior. That can be especially true for homeschooling moms because they are with their children 24/7. Despite Mom’s best efforts, the children may be out-of-control or have attitudes that she knows are not God-honoring.

Last month we noted the starting point for success—asking for God’s wisdom and help and not letting the situation worry and trouble us. Then we prayerfully came up with a plan. The background of this plan is in the last Mom’s Corner. Let’s take it up where we left off with the third point.

#3: You and your husband should determine consequences for whatever the children are doing that is keeping them from accomplishing what they should do in the morning. A very logical reward in this case would simply be the play time that would open up before breakfast if they completed their scheduled tasks quickly, thoroughly, and efficiently.

Consequences for Children and Chores

Consequences and rewards motivate us as adults, and they motivate children as well. A logical consequence for not getting to the breakfast table on time would be to lose free time when it is planned, while the reward is extra free time.

#4: The schedule continues even if children haven’t done what they are supposed to do. Free time is impacted to catch up. For example, if they aren’t dressed, they stay in PJs until they have free time. Then they get dressed and sit on a chair for ten minutes as a consequence for not getting dressed when they were supposed to get dressed. If they didn’t make their bed, follow the same pattern. Have them make their beds during free time. Then take an additional specified amount of their free time to have to sit on a chair as a discipline for not making the bed at the instructed time.

With this part of the plan, the mom doesn’t have to be stressed when the children don’t do what they are supposed to do. Daily life continues, the job will eventually be done, and there are consequences in place to help motivate the children to do better the next day.

I happen to know this plan worked because I received this information in an e-mail from the mom:

“Progress has been made this week. My husband and I have been working with the children regarding their morning chores. They are now being completed around 7 AM. This works out great for ME because my husband is still home to check them out before he leaves for work, and I can finish up breakfast. School is starting on time too.”

One week wasn’t a very long time for the parents to rearrange their normal activities in order to focus on the problem and then address it.

Here are some examples of child behavior issues that another mom knew she wanted to address.

“Brother was running after Sister in the house, and she was screaming because she didn’t want him to chase her.

“Brother and Sister left the dining room table and ran into the living room to get something before the other one did, and Sister screamed after Brother lightly touched her on his way running past her.

“I sent Brother and Sister back to clean up Sister’s room, where they had both been playing. Sister came out screaming, with Brother chasing her.

“Brother had a small Lego piece in his mouth, chewing on it (which we’ve told him many times not to do), and I told him to take it out of his mouth. He took it out and threw it up in the air, and it landed halfway across the room. (We’ve also told him many times not to throw things around in the house … he’ll just pick up pieces of anything he finds and throw it across the room.)”

I expect you can relate to the things that were happening in this home. While the children’s behavior was discouraging to the mom, her biggest discouragement was her responses to the children. She was becoming angry with them and raising her voice at them.

Here is part of the plan I helped her toward taken from the email I wrote her.

With all the examples you sent, you can deal with the problems—and they are problems—in a calm, gentle manner. I would encourage you to try ‘chair sitting’ as your go-to consequence for the children.

In case 1, you go to Brother and tell him that there is no running in the house. Then you put him on a dining room chair for 10 minutes. That is not only an easy, consistent consequence, but it gives you 10 minutes with no discipline necessary. Since Sister was running, too, and screaming, you could put her on the chair for five minutes. You would probably be benefited by a ‘no running in the house’ rule.

In Example 2, you would want to put both children on chairs for a designated amount of time, managed by setting a timer, and remind them that they weren’t being kind to each other.

Example 3, you still want to have them do the cleanup, but you can also sit them on chairs for some of their playtime—even if it is the next day.

Example 4, put Brother on the chair—for chewing on the Lego and for throwing it.

Utilize chair sitting time. It is a simple consequence that you can use consistently. It is your friend in being a gentle, responsive mother.

Chore Plans Help

With a plan in mind, this mom was ready to tackle the problems her children were having each day. She didn’t have to yell at them because she had an easy consequence she could use to help them learn to do what they should do and refrain from what they shouldn’t do.

Here is a little of what this mom experienced as she began implementing her plan.

“Numerous times since then, when Brother has done something wrong and I have not gotten angry with him, but gave the consequence gently, he has come to me later and apologized and asked for my forgiveness, and I could tell he was genuine. I so want to be a good example to our children, and to model a Christ-like attitude.”

That is a win-win outcome. The child is learning appropriate behavior, he is choosing to be sorry for the problem he caused, and Mom has the godly responses she desires. “He that refuseth instruction despiseth his own soul: but he that heareth reproof getteth understanding” (Proverbs 15:32). “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

Do you want change for your children? It starts with prayer, lets go of worry, makes a plan, and then implements the plan. I challenge you to focus on any problem you are having with a child using this method and see what the results are like two weeks later. “But ye, brethren, be not weary in well doing” (2 Thessalonians 3:13).

Is What You Say What You Get?

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Recently I have been helping moms who refer to themselves as schedule challenged. My goal is to lead them to schedule success. I have really enjoyed working one-on-one with these moms, and I have learned a great deal in the process.

Amazingly, most of what causes moms to have trouble with schedules isn’t a schedule problem at all. One issue that is quite common involves children who don’t do what they are supposed to do. When that is the case you can have a schedule full of activities, but the schedule won’t work because the children don’t do what is on the schedule.

For example, in one family the children were scheduled to get up, go to the bathroom, get dressed, and make their beds. The three older children each had a younger “buddy” to help through that process too. One day the mom e-mailed me to say that the children were having trouble getting to breakfast on time. She wondered if she should give them more time for the before-breakfast scheduled activities. I looked at her schedule and inquired, “Do the children actually have 1 1/2 hours to get up, go to the bathroom, get dressed, make their beds, and help their younger sibling do the same?” She confirmed that was the case.

I assured her that 45 minutes should be an amply adequate amount of time for those tasks and that 1 1/2 hours was way more time than was necessary. Truth be told, 30 minutes is a reasonable amount of time. The children, however, weren’t getting out of bed in the morning and moving through a set of activities that needed to be accomplished.

I think that is often the case with children. We expect them to do what they are supposed to do, and we are unhappy, disappointed, and frustrated when they don’t. We forget that they are children. We have to keep working with them so they can learn to do what they should do.

Usually, for change to occur, the problem has to become a focus so that solutions can be found. Moms tend to live in reactionary mode, putting out one fire after another. Ideally, however, the fires should be prevented from ever starting. That means taking protective measures.

It begins with seeking the One who has the answers to all of our dilemmas. “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5).

It also includes not fretting about the situation, “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7). When you are worried and stressed, it doesn’t solve the problem. It just makes you less patient and more short-tempered.

Next you want a plan of action. In this case I helped the mom focus on the problem and look for possible solutions, but you could troubleshoot the issues you are having with your children yourself. I gave four points to start her on a plan of action, and this month, I’ll share two with you.

#1: Are your children getting enough sleep? They should be ready to get up in the morning with five to ten minutes at the most to lie in bed waking up. If they aren’t ready to get up, perhaps they need to go to bed earlier. At any rate, I would suggest arranging the evening schedule such that children can be put to bed early as a consequence if they aren’t getting up in the morning.

We began by eliminating a physical problem that would keep the children from being able to get up in the morning and get moving. This is something to be investigated for almost any problem you are having with a child. A tired child will have issues with attitudes, obedience, and even concentration.

We also found this mom had a very simple consequence easily available for children who don’t get up in the morning when the alarm goes off—put the child to bed early.

#2: Perhaps you and your husband need to skip walking for a week or two, have your Bible time early, and then work with the children in helping them learn to do what they need to do in a timely fashion.

The parents walked together for exercise early in the morning, since the older children were old enough to be left alone and be responsible for the younger children. At 6:00 the children’s alarms went off and breakfast was at 7:30. The parents returned from their walk at 6:30. If the parents stay home rather than walking for a week or two, there is accountability for the children and added motivation for them to get up in the morning.

Then came instruction of the children as to how to do what they needed to do. The parents had felt that this step was already accomplished. The reality was that, since the children weren’t arriving at breakfast on time, the parents had some remedial work to do with them.

If each parent interacts with a child, he can give his student instructions on how to efficiently make a bed. He can monitor the child to be sure the child is doing his tasks rather than playing with toys or with the younger sibling whom he is to be helping. He also has the ability to show the child how little time it takes to do the jobs when that is his goal and he sets aside distractions. The parent and child can practice together for several days before the parent moves into the role of observer and finally lets the child solo again.

I’ll share the last two points to this plan next month, and then move into another scenario. I would encourage you to “not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not” (Galatians 6:9). Many of you are so weary you feel like giving up.

When you are faced with negative situations with your children, don’t be discouraged. Pray for wisdom, allow the Lord to set your heart at rest, and develop a plan to tackle the problem. As you implement your plan with the Lord’s strength and grace, I think you will be very pleasantly surprised at the progress your children will begin making in troublesome areas of their lives.

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Are You Preparing Your Sons?

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In May 2001, we published a book called Preparing Sons to Provide for a Single-Income Family. A top question many homeschooling families were asking at that time was: How can my sons get good jobs with a homeschool education? Because two of our sons had been taught at home throughout their school years, and because they were earning incomes that could support a family, we wanted to share what we had learned. It was our desire to encourage other families to stay the homeschooling course and to prepare their sons for their futures. That question is as pertinent today as it was then, and Preparing Sons is every bit as important and applicable as it was 13 years ago, maybe more so.

The information in Preparing Sons begins with ages 3 to 6, moves to 7 to 12, then 13 to graduation, and finally post-high school. There is so much in that book that is practical and easily implemented. Families whose sons were in their teens when they bought Preparing Sons now have sons who are in their late twenties to early thirties. Many of those families read that book and set it aside, continuing to live just as they had been living. Now in some of those families there are sons who are struggling needlessly in adulthood. Had their parents caught the vision presented in Preparing Sons, their sons might be in a better position to support a wife and children. It was within the power of the parents to give their sons the tools in their youth that would have smoothed their way to adulthood.

Then there were other families who read Preparing Sons and said, “We want to do this! We desire this outcome for our sons.” With the Lord, they developed a vision for their sons. They made changes, and they prepared their sons not to be children forever but to be responsible, capable adults. Today they see the positive fruit in their young adult sons’ lives.

We wonder what the outcome would have been if every family who read Preparing Sons decided to follow the advice it contained. How many young men would be free of addictions to entertainment? How many would have hearts to serve the Lord Jesus Christ rather than self? How many of them would have their own businesses? How many of them would own a debt-free house?

We think each of you has a desire for your sons to grow to manhood as virtuous, industrious men of God. What are you doing to facilitate that outcome? At almost every conference we hold, we meet moms who share with us about a husband who is a slave to video games, movies, or other forms of entertainment. How are you raising your children so that they will transition at the appropriate time from being a child to being a man?

When our boys became teens, we wanted to direct their time usage into profitable pursuits. Their childhood playtime was replaced by activities that were productive. Of course they had school that took up much of their day. They might spend other time practicing an instrument, doing lawn maintenance or other chores, and especially important was developing marketable skills. Our youngest son says in hindsight, he wishes he had learned even more vocational skills than he did during his youth.

We followed that pattern with all of our sons. The results were good. “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1 Corinthians 13:11).

Our children have appreciated the direction we encouraged them to take as they moved into their teen years. They don’t wish they had spent their teen years involved in entertainment. They see the outcome in their adult lives and are satisfied with the way their teen years were spent.

Time invested in productive pursuits during youth reaps positive benefits not only during those years but throughout their lives. We give our children purpose when they are teens by helping them be productive with their time. We can encourage them toward ministering and studying, while developing and utilizing skills that can be used to generate income in the present and in the future.

So many of the youth of today are hopeless. They don’t know Jesus Christ, and they have no purpose. Their lives are sadly out of control. Many are on anti-depressants. They have nothing worth living for, and they become overwhelmed with the emptiness of their lives.

Your children don’t have to be like that. You can turn the teen years into an exciting time, filled with responsibility and productivity with the accompanying outcome of satisfaction in their lives.

Buying a House Debt-Free

We have released another book called Buying a House Debt-Free: Equipping Your Son. In that book, we trace a path that parents can take to facilitate their son’s ability to purchase a debt-free house before he is 30. We want to see all of your sons do what our three older sons have done, with their two younger brothers following closely behind: own debt-free houses when they are married.

You love your children. What is your vision for them? Is it a big vision? Ours was. Twenty years ago most would have told us it was impossible to achieve the vision we had for our sons. It wasn’t—not for our sons, not for the other young men whose stories we share, and it doesn’t have to be for your sons.

If you have a son who is currently 13 years or older, will he own a house with no mortgage before he is 30? Can you instill that desire in your little boys who are only 5 or 6? The choice is yours. We want to set this generation of young men on fire for having real purpose in life with the side benefit of debt-free living. What do you want for your sons? Will you accept the challenge?

 

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Exercise for the Busy Mommy

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What mommy with a busy household full of little ones and perhaps homeschooling as well has time to exercise? Even if she has time, when could she get off by herself and go to the gym? Maybe she could take an early morning run before her husband leaves for work, but with safety concerns these days, that isn’t advisable either. Are there any exercise solutions available?

We think there are viable exercise options that can be done at home without any specialized equipment in a minimal amount of time and space! I had two e-mails this week asking questions about how my girls and I exercise so I expect there are others who are interested in this information. In the past few years, we have been learning about the benefits of intense exercise that is done for short periods of time. This has meant that we can have a good workout in 20 to 30 minutes a day or even every other day.

Most of us know that exercise is important for a healthy body, and we want to make exercise part of our daily schedule. Even Scripture tells us that there is some value in exercise although the most important part of our lives is godliness. “For bodily exercise profiteth little: but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come” (1 Timothy 4:8).

Steve and I are able to walk together for exercise. If you have older children who are mature enough to watch younger children, walking is an ideal exercise for a husband and wife. Not only are you getting exercise time in, but you are also able to have uninterrupted communication. Our morning walks are a highlight for both Steve and me each day, and we know it is part of what has kept our bodies healthy and our relationship close. We also do about 15 minutes of the exercising we are describing in this Mom’s Corner every other day. Our girls also do this kind of exercise most days, and their exercise routine is what I want to share with you. When Steve is sick or has an injury, I exercise with the girls so I have had some experience participating in their routines.

Here is an overview of what is possible without much time, without any equipment, and without having to leave home. It can even be done with children participating, or if they are little, with them playing nearby.

Our girls usually do 20 to 30 minute workouts in the mornings right after personal Bible time before starting their days. This is the most stable time of day for us. We have some equipment like free weights in our basement where we workout, but the girls don’t always use them in their exercising. When we are on the road, the girls’ workout uses body weight. The exercises in the demonstration in the link following require no equipment.

The girls plan exercise routines that vary every day. Here is a link to some exercises like the girls would use.

They pick 6 to 8 exercises and write them down so they know the order they are going to use. When they started exercising like this, they did the first exercise for 30 seconds and then rested for 15 or 20 seconds. Then they did the second exercise for 30 seconds and then rested for 15 or 20 seconds. When they finished all the exercises, they would start over doing two rounds and working up to three rounds or whatever fit into their time frame.

As they got stronger and built more endurance, they did the exercises for 45 seconds each. Then they advanced to a full minute for the exercises with only a 10 to 15 second break between exercises. You can learn exercises by watching the video. Having proper technique is necessary to avoid injury. Then pick six or eight of the exercises for your first exercise routine and write them down. Take another six or eight and make a second list for the next day’s routine. If you did that and saved each routine on your computer, you could reuse them and not have to make up so many new ones. As you get the hang of exercising this way, you could hunt for more exercises on the Internet to add to your list of available exercises.

We pace ourselves as we exercise. If we need to rest in the middle of an exercise, we rest. Sometimes when I am exercising, I can’t make the full 30 seconds. I will take a little break and then start again to finish the interval. As you get stronger and in better shape, you can scale the exercising up to whatever you are able to do by increasing the time of the intervals or performing the exercise faster.

Do you have a smart phone? If so, there are apps that you can get for timing your intervals and even listing the exercises. The one Steve and I use is called UltraTrainer. It is a little harder to program than Anna’s timer. Anna has one called Seconds (the free version). In Seconds’ free version, you can’t save your timers, but if you purchase it, you can. Anna uses Round Timer and quickly enters her number of rounds, plus interval and break duration. You can set up intervals for exercise, for rest, and for how many exercises you want to do. The program does the timing for you, giving you auditory clues for starting each exercise, ending it, and resting. If you set your phone in the right place, you can watch the seconds count down to the beep. Sometimes when you are really tired, it helps to look at the timer and discover you only have five seconds left.

When programming the timing app, if you want to go all out, you can name each exercise within the routine. The girls don’t do that because they put so much variety into their routines, and they are different every day. They write out their routine and simply use the timer for their intervals. Steve and I tend to get a routine going and do it for quite a while before changing it up so we enter the names of the exercises. In reality because we do the same routine so frequently, we soon memorize it.

Busy mommies need to take care of their bodies. They have to have strength and energy to keep up with their young crew, to stay healthy, and to accomplish all that the Lord has given them to do. I encourage you to try this way of exercising and see if it will allow you to do what you didn’t think you could do–exercise!

Pharisee Don’t Wanna Be

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(To listen to the podcast, see this link.) As we raise our children, we desire for them to walk with the Lord and not to follow the ways of the world. The process of instilling God-honoring behavior in our children while not condemning those who make different choices can be difficult. Here is a question we were asked concerning this:

“I am writing to ask for your advice. You have been such an inspiration and a source of wisdom over the years that as I prayed for godly counsel in this area, your name immediately came to mind.

I am a homeschooling momma of six children ages 10 and under. Our goals for our children are to raise them to be God-loving, God-fearing people with a heart for serving others. How do I teach them right from wrong without becoming like a Pharisee? We have always been open with our children. If they come to us having seen something of which Jesus would not approve, we try to talk with them about what God would have us do. I feel as though at times the conversation has an undertone of ‘they should be more like us’ or ‘look at what a good job I (insert whichever kid is talking here) did.’ I want to teach my children to love the sinner and hate the sin. I want them to look with humility at their own lives and their own sins. How do I not condone the bad behavior that my children may have seen without seeming like a Pharisee looking to prove that we are right and they are wrong? Please help!” Courtney

The answers to those questions are tied up in discipleship, hearts, attitudes, and examples. Let’s start with some basics. Ephesians 6:4 instructs us to teach our children what Scripture says about how we are to live. “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”

We also read, “Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:19).

To disciple our children, we must clearly instruct them by telling them, “This is right. This is wrong. This is acceptable. This is unacceptable.” We should have a biblical basis for those statements, we should be able to communicate it to our children, and we should live from the heart what we are teaching them.

Next we have to decide exactly what being Pharisaical is. The Lord indicates in the Word that evidence of people’s spiritual condition will be observable in their lives. “Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them” (Matthew 7:16-20). We are told that we are to judge righteously. “Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment” (John 7:24).

However, we also read this: “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). We believe Jesus is speaking here against the Pharisaical attitude that Courtney is talking about and that we do not want in our lives nor in our children’s lives. It is judging that involves personal pride and condemnation of the other.

As our children grew, we explained to them biblically why we did what we did, but we let them know those were our decisions and that each family must make their own decisions before the Lord. We also told them that it wasn’t their place to tell others what was right and what was wrong, especially since they were children. Exhortation can be appropriate for elders in a church, and even for believers with each other, as Hebrews 3:13 says: “But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.” However, that is out of the realm of appropriateness for a child.

We suggested the children talk to us about their thoughts and concerns when they observed behavior in others that they didn’t think was godly. That gave us the opportunity to confirm their concerns or dispel them. It also allowed us to help direct their hearts toward being compassionate and praying for others rather than condemning them—loving the sinner.

Another thing we did was remind our children of the sin in our lives—the sin the Lord Jesus forgave when He redeemed us. “In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace” (Ephesians 1:7). We helped them know that we are no better than anyone else. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

We taught them through the Word that we have no righteousness of our own. It is only through the Lord Jesus Christ. The Pharisaical attitudes come from forgetting who we really are—sinners before a righteous and holy God. The parable found in Luke 18:9-14 is one that illustrates that fact and one that can be used to help our children toward right attitudes.

“And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others: Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.”

This process of discipling our children is ongoing, and involves continual discussions. Being in the Word on a daily basis shines God’s light into our hearts to help discern motives and condemn pride and unrighteous judgment. In our daily family Bible time, we regularly came across verses that played into helping our children with godly attitudes toward others who were making different choices than we were. We encourage you to use the Word to do that for your children.

May we be parents who hate the sin but love the sinner and teach our children to do the same.

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Older Daughters Living at Home

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(To listen to the podcast, see this link.) Sometimes our girls are asked about their plans for the future. Right now they are 17, 22, and 31. They are all unmarried and living at home.

Here is a question along these same lines that we were recently sent via e-mail:

“My husband and I have just finished reading Keeping Our Children’s Hearts. We read it out loud while on a long trip so it provided opportunity for open conversation while reading each chapter. This is quite a new perspective for us, but not one with which we disagree as you have supported each point so well with Scripture.

“However, we have a question about adult children in the home. We have four girls, ages nine to thirteen and have a few years before adulthood, but a question still arises. If they never marry, do they live with us forever? What happens to them when we are gone? This is a question my husband raised. We are not opposed to their living with us, but do they work? So many questions. Did your children ever work outside the home? We would love your thoughts. I am excited to see the Lord work. My husband has been leading our family in Scripture reading for the past few weeks and now we are seeing another opportunity to follow the Lord as we look to shelter, not isolate, our children.” Heather

When we were saved in our twenties, we began reading the Bible and following what we learned there. A whole exciting new way of life was opened up to us that challenged us and caused us to question much of what we had been raised doing and thinking. We both went to college and graduated with bachelor of science degrees. However, when we had children Teri wanted to stay home with our children, and we decided that was what she would do.

As we grew in the Lord and raised our children, we desired the same for our grandchildren—fathers who supported their families and mothers who were home with the children, hopefully homeschooling. We discussed with our children the benefits of that lifestyle and Scripture to support it. “That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed” (Titus 2:4-5). “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel” (1 Timothy 5:8).

We have given our girls learning opportunities just like our boys have had so that they not only have homemaking skills but also have income-producing skills. Sarah has learned business management skills, including Quickbooks, inventory, shipping, taxes, marketing, and more. Not only that, but she also has now authored eight successful children’s books. Anna has bookkeeping skills she learned as she managed the boys’ construction-business books, has her A+ certificate, and much experience in nutrition and exercise. Mary is taking art classes.

Our girls have chosen not to work outside our home, and they have also chosen to live in our home until marriage. They have made those decisions because of the protection and sheltering they have within our home. That doesn’t mean they live secluded lives. They have many interactions with people in our community, church, and across the country as we travel. However, they aren’t going outside our home each day into the workforce. Sarah and Anna are at ages where they could make different choices as to their work and living environment if they so desired, but they prefer it here. Mary will soon be at that age, but she also indicates that she is happiest at home until marriage.

We talked with our girls about the questions that were asked in this e-mail, and we asked them how they would answer those questions. They said that if they don’t marry, they couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. They said they love living here. Yet, if the Lord brings the right man along as a husband, each will be happy for that too. They told us they aren’t concerned about what to do when we are gone because they are already income producing and know they can be self supporting should they need to be.

We like to encourage families to challenge their teens—both young men and young ladies—to be productive during their teen years. When they are teens, they have active minds, they have time, and they are creative. “Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12). They can be learning new skills and then utilizing those skills in income-producing ventures. Through this kind of a family vision, our sons have developed their own businesses, avoided the influence and cost of college, and started their married lives with debt-free homes. Our daughters have purpose in life and activities that fill their days. If the need should arise, they could support themselves.

We have so enjoyed family life with adult children living in our home. Our culture typically says for young people to leave home when they are eighteen, and often the parents are happy to be free of them. We love conversations with our adult children. We like doing things with them. We seek their counsel, and they ask ours. Plainly and simply, we love each other and like to be around each other. Allowing our adult, unmarried children to live in our home provides accountability for them that they have wanted, and it is economical as well. They are our best friends, and we are delighted that they want to live in our home. Our girls are welcome here until marriage, and if they are never married, they can stay until we are gone, and then the house will belong to them.

Internet Protection for Families – Part 2

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Last month we began delving into a topic that families question us concerning quite frequently and that is Internet protection for computers and hand-held devices. If you haven’t read that first article, we suggest you do so before moving on to this one. Here is the link. While we want to focus in this article on mobile devices, there is more we would like to cover concerning personal computers.

Our boys have chosen to have their computers set up so that their screens are facing the door by which people enter the room. They felt that gave them even greater accountability. There was the added accountability of how they were spending their time on the computer even if it was an acceptable website since they wanted to be productive with their time not time wasters.

When our children were young, they didn’t have Internet access. When they became teens, they were allowed to use the Internet if an older sibling or parent were sitting beside them. By the time they were fifteen or sixteen, they would generally have their own computers (we have lots of hand-me-downs because of business use of our computers) and have Internet access with web protection.

Our children did not have e-mail until they were older either. We finally gave Mary, our youngest, e-mail when she was fourteen, earlier than the other children had it, simply because so much of our family “organizational” communication had become via e-mail. E-mail and texting is an easy way for us to make sure every family member knows what time we were leaving for an event, what prayer requests have come our way, or when Mom is headed for a Wal-Mart trip. Mary was the only one who wouldn’t know what was going on because she didn’t have e-mail or a phone for texting.

We keep personal e-mail addresses private for family members and close friends. Then we each have a public e-mail address that we use for ordering on the Internet. We now use Gmail, which has eliminated the spam and bad e-mail that kept us from allowing our children to have e-mail during the years when there was no way to stop those awful e-mails.

When our children get a Gmail address, they give Steve their Gmail address and password. Remember accountability is a strong ally of resisting temptation and remaining pure.

Often we are asked what we do about ads that pop up on sites with immodest women. We have installed an ad blocker on our Internet browser. The browser we like to use is Chrome. If you don’t already use this browser, here is a link to it. Chrome has an ad blocker extension as we believe most, if not all, browsers have. The ad blocker has done a great job of eliminating ads and particularly the ones that were objectionable. Here is a link to it.

We use Google Safe Search, so there isn’t as much possibility of accidentally stumbling onto a bad site as there was in earlier years of the Internet.

What about accountability on mobile devices? That is Accountable2You as well. Accountable2You uses something called VPN that we enable on our phones that allows Accountable2You to track phone web browsing activity.

Can we eliminate every bad influence from the Internet on our children’s lives? Perhaps not, but we are trying to do all we can do. The most important protection for our children is to raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. As we are in the Word, as we discuss right and wrong, as we look at the pain sin brings, and as we draw our children’s hearts to a deep love for their Savior and obedience to His Word, we give them the best protection of all. However, as Steve shares in our Keeping Our Children’s Hearts workshop, we have all heard of pastors who fall to immorality. These are men versed in the Word, who have been shepherding a flock, and counseling their members. However, they have the flesh, they don’t shelter themselves, they don’t have accountability, and they fail.

Scripture tells us, “For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I” (Romans 7:15). It also gives us the answer to victory, “O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin” (Romans 7:24-25).

We want to educate our children on the lures of sin, the frailty of the flesh, and the power of Jesus Christ. He has given us wisdom and direction through His Word to help us such as, “Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22). For our family that equates to the plan for Internet protection and the sheltering that we have chosen to have in place in our hearts and on our computers and devices.

So far we are very pleased with Accountable2You. The links for Accountable2You are Titus2’s affiliate link. If you sign up, we’ll receive 15% every month you’re in. This blesses our ministry and helps with the cost of running it.

Internet Protection for Families – Part 1

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During the family panel discussions that were part of our conferences, we almost always got a question that went like this. “We know your family uses the computer and Internet for business, ministry, and personal things. Plus many of you seem to have smart phones. You mentioned that you have protection on all of them. What do you use, and how can we protect our families?”

That question is important to us, and we would like to share information on this topic with all of you. It has taken us years of research and trial and error to come up with our plan and what we utilize to implement it.

Regularly our time is spent on the computer and the Internet. Our sons’ businesses are all computer related. The Titus2 ministry is mainly conducted via the Internet. Much of our business and personal communication goes on through e-mail. We use texting for quick, easy communication between family members and close friends. It has become imperative to us that we have safeguards on our computers and devices so that none of us unwittingly or purposefully happens upon immoral sites.

We regularly receive e-mails from moms who are devastated by the addiction their husbands have to the immorality that is readily accessible via the Internet. As families share with us their problems concerning losing their children’s hearts, regularly the Internet has been a factor. Usually the privacy of a bedroom, where there is no accountability, is the path the young person treads leading him deeper and deeper into sin.

As we have become more aware of the dangers of the Internet, we have wanted to protect and shelter our children from those dangers as we could. There are several things we have done to help avoid those problems.

Obviously, the most fail-safe way to protect them is not to have the Internet in your home. However, for us, because the Internet is so involved in our livelihood that was not a reasonable option for our family so we sought ways to minimize the negative influences. Just as one uses a chain saw, which is very dangerous but can be powerfully utilized with proper training and safety precautions, we have chosen to do what we could to safeguard the Internet, using it as a tool not a toy in our home.

First, we have had our children share bedrooms—a boys’ bedroom and a girls’ bedroom. With less privacy, there is less opportunity for failure since there is often accountability and even when a child is alone in his bedroom, he never knows when a sibling will enter.

Years ago, we had a family conversation and discussed some of what we were hearing about moral failures among Christian young people. As we discussed this topic with our children, we asked them if they would like accountability in order to help them avoid being in similar situations. Everyone agreed, and as a family, we took some steps toward that accountability. We have an open device and open computer policy. That meant that we (Steve and Teri) had full freedom to get on the children’s computers, see their e-mail, and look at their phones. Since they knew we would do this, it provided them with accountability. In a similar way, we (Steve and Teri) have an open policy with each other concerning our computers, e-mail, and phones. “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21). Accountability itself goes a long way in reducing temptation and sin. “But if ye will not do so, behold, ye have sinned against the LORD: and be sure your sin will find you out” (Numbers 32:23).

We use Accountable2You for our computers and device accountability. With Accountable2You, I get a daily report for each device. Steve gets my reports. It is a summary. I can go online for a detailed report. If there is questionable usage, I will get an immediate email. (The Accountable2You is a Titus2 affiliate link and blesses Titus2.)

There is still quite a bit more we would like to tell you concerning protecting our families in this technological world from the evil that would like to prey upon them. We will continue on this topic next month. We pray that each of our heart’s desire is that we would be as Peter encourages us, “But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy” (1 Peter 1:15-16). That is only possible through the Lord Jesus Christ. As we raise our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, may we be willing to invest of our time and finances to shelter them. “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world” (1 John 2:16).

Siblings: The Good and the Bad – Part 8

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Talking about building strong sibling relationships has spanned the course of many articles. Here is the link to the previous ones in this series if you have missed them.

As these articles began, I shared with you things that I remembered from our parenting days with younger children and the positive outcomes we have observed as our children grew to adulthood. Then I asked some of my friends with older children if they would give me their ideas and suggestions. Because they have children with good sibling relationships, what they have to say is proven to be effective. This article includes the final information that I have to give you from my friends.

Let me start with Anne.

Here are some of the ways the Lord has led my husband and I to build sibling relationships:

We always have told the children that they, and all children, are gifts from God and blessings from Him. When I asked the children this evening some of the things their dad and I have done to help their relationships, my oldest daughter said, “You always remind us that each of us is a gift to each other.” I also will encourage the children in front of each other and say, for example, “Isaac, Luke is so blessed to have you as his big brother!”

You mentioned praying for godly sibling relationships. I have spent much time in prayer privately, in church, and in our family devotions, for the siblings to have blessed relationships and be each others’ best friend.

I have also used reenacting. If there is a squabble, I will have the children reenact the entire event, but respond to each other in a godly manner, discussing the godly behavior prior to the reenactment.

After a disagreement, we will discuss what each sibling could have done that would have led to peace. Most of the time each individual could have done something that could have led to peace. I pray much for all of us to do what leads to peace.

When I notice that the children are consistently not being encouraging, I will put out jars with each sibling’s name on them. Each time someone says an encouraging word to another sibling, I put a piece of candy in the jar. We have dessert two times a week, so on dessert day, they get to eat extra sweets for being sweet! The older children still enjoy this :)!

Isaac said, “You always told us that we should look at our siblings as being more important than ourselves.”

I also would encourage the children with the golden rule/Scripture, to do unto others as we would have others do unto us. I have also suggested that they do to others as Jesus would do, or as they would do to Jesus.

I praise God for showing us many ways to build sibling relationships. We always try to do all things together. Also, if one child has an interest, we would all partake in learning about that interest through research, outings, etc.

The older children have taught the younger children singing, piano, voice, and help with home education. When this would happen, I would have the younger child give the older child a gift or treat with a thank you note.

Luke said, “If we didn’t treat our sibling in a godly way, there was a consequence.”

Morgan mentioned that having all of them work together on their business and saving up together to start the business has drawn them closer together.

We talk a lot together about issues, joys, and sorrows.

When one of the children is sick, I allow one of the others to take care of the sick individual.

Here is what Sandi told me.

I have been thinking a lot about sibling relationships since you have been writing about it in the Mom’s Corners. You have done a wonderful job with it. I wish I had something new to share with you about children getting along.

I can honestly say we don’t struggle much with the children fighting. Sure, the little ones will fight over a toy. We have done pretty much the same thing that you did with your children.

Shawn wanted to share a room with the younger boys like Christopher did, and Sabrina wanted to share with Emma. I think sharing a room is SO important. It encourages them not to be selfish. I loved sharing a room with my sister, and we are still close. Every night sounds like a party downstairs when the boys go to bed after Bible time.

The one thing we have always told the kids is that God knew just who their friends should be, and He made them their siblings. I think they get along so well because we do everything together. Mike and I have learned so much about forgiveness from watching how the children handle conflicts. It’s sad to say, but they handle it so much better than we do. Sabrina and Shawn really are best friends, and it is so interesting to watch them work through conflict. They work very closely together at the farm. At times they will have disagreements, but they work it out so quickly and forgive each other. Working together is so important. The farm has really been a blessing for that.

We also do what you guys did and limit time with other friends. I think it is key for siblings to get along. I remember growing up how sad I was when summer was over because my sisters were finally being nice to me. It got so much better with Sabrina when we took her out of ballet.

Finally, my friend Becky, who has been a widow for sixteen years, responded to my question concerning how she and her husband helped their children toward solid sibling relationships.

Stan’s wanting the kids to be on the “same team” applied to many areas in our parenting. For example, if they were playing cowboys, they were not allowed to have some of them be the good guys and some the bad guys. If they wanted imaginary bad guys maybe that was okay, but Stan felt if they teamed up AGAINST each other, that might carry over later in the day. Little ones can get mad easily sometimes at something that comes up later, and it would be easy to say “You’re the bad guy!”

In a more important spiritual sense, we’ve talked about how Satan wants to put the mom against the dad in a family, or Mom versus daughter, or older brother gets annoyed at the little brothers. We need to remember that is Satan’s PLAN.

Also an effective military strategy is to divide and conquer. If Satan can put a wedge between little brothers playing cars or Legos, he can do it when they’re older. It’s not me against my son, or one girl versus one brother, but we ALL need to realize it’s Satan versus the entire family—he’s trying to take us down and will do it any way he can. We need to band together and be strong! We taught our children to pray for each other, be accountable to each other, speak words of encouragement to each other. It is so amazing to my kids when they see families who are OBVIOUSLY NOT doing this! Some siblings they talk to seem very out of touch as to what their own family members are going through!

My heart’s desire is that this information will be an encouragement to the young mommies who are dealing with the constancy of little children’s selfishness toward their siblings. I realize that can be quite discouraging. I hope that these mommies will say in their hearts, “It is worth the investment of my time, prayer, and emotions to help these children toward strong, positive, lifelong sibling relationships.” “Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard, even Aaron’s beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments; As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the mountains of Zion: for there the LORD commanded the blessing, even life for evermore” (Psalms 133:1-3). May I encourage you to build that unity in your children’s lives?

Siblings: The Good and the Bad – Part 7

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During the years we have our children living in our homes, we have the ability to influence their relationships with each other. There is much that we can do to help them become best friends, learn to deal with conflict, and become each other’s greatest encouragers. If you haven’t read the other articles in this series, I suggest you do that before reading this one. Here is the link.

When I e-mailed several friends with grown children asking them what they felt had positively influenced their children’s sibling closeness, I received some excellent feedback. It both challenged and encouraged my heart. I think it will yours as well. I shared some of it last month, but I have more I want you to read.

“I see our children truly loving each other, and continuing to work at a close and spiritually connected relationship with each other, even once they leave home, and it is an incredible blessing. On the surface, I really have no idea WHY, other than the grace and kindness of the Lord. We did set up expectations of kindness from the time they were very small, that I honestly just thought EVERY family did. It was not until more time went on, and I observed more families, that I realized how different our children’s relationship with each other were. I have taken it for granted. So, again, I will read through your Corners, and pray, and think more because I don’t know that what we did was very intentional, but rather just biblical love and kindness extended to those closest to us—our family, first.” Debbie

Then Debbie followed up with this note:

“Well my friend, I’ve read all of the Corners in the Sibling Series and honestly, I cannot think of anything I did in addition to the things you mentioned. I found it fascinating how similar our approaches were/are with a few exceptions. I think many of the things we ‘stumbled’ into, sometimes for different reasons, but having a similar result. I was thinking how we limited outside friendships and outside activities. It was often for reasons unrelated to specifically choosing to work on building family closeness, but the result was family closeness. I think that is one side of it, eliminating part of the common cause for children’s discontent with family. The other side is dealing with the inborn sin nature we all have. Even if we never let our children play with anyone else, they would still be selfish and unkind and need to be taught and trained in biblical kindness and love. As you pointed out, we simply cannot afford to grow weary, as much as it is a temptation some days.

“I guess one thing I pondered on, and it is just an observation from our own family. I feel like we worked very, very hard on our first four children. Parenting just felt harder (more intense) with them. It was not that they were any more naughty, but maybe it was because I was younger and less experienced as a mother and was learning what works and what doesn’t. However, God was so kind to bless our work and perseverance, I think, and the younger children have had good examples to look up to. I think part of it being easier to train the younger ones now, is that they have wonderful examples to follow that the older ones did not have. The work I suppose DID pay off in that way, as well as just in the tremendous blessings you mentioned of having children who love each other, get along, are kind, and genuinely and cheerfully helpful.

“We always called it the trickle down effect. When an older child was kind to a younger child (and conversely if he was unkind), that child would treat the next one below him the same way, and down, and down, and down the line it went (and still goes). I have been known to use that, in my teaching and training after an incident.

“‘Do you realize, when you spoke that way to __A__, that __C__ was watching? And tomorrow, or the next day __C__ will then think it is okay to speak that way to __H___, and on down the line. You are setting an example, for good or evil, for all the siblings coming up behind you. You need to be so careful to be setting a godly example (or depending on the offense, I might give it a more specific name).’ I have found that when they really realize the ‘family’ impact of an action or an attitude, it has a bit more weight. They DO love their younger siblings and don’t want anyone else being unkind to ‘the baby’ for example. When they realize their potential part in being unkind to ‘the baby,’ it truly does bring a sober mind to the situation.

“When I really think on it, I believe one of the major things we did, that you’ve already mentioned, is simply not allow unkindness when we were aware of it. Like you, physical things were not tolerated – no hitting, kicking, biting, or throwing. Verbal unkindness was treated with the same seriousness. All those things, when the children were very young, we gave the children consequences for. We wanted to send a very clear message from the earliest time. People used to mock us for not allowing ‘kids to be kids.’ Well, our fruit is now much different from theirs, and I am grateful for the fruit we have.

“Of course, all of that was alongside giving Scriptural reasons WHY, though I wasn’t as thorough in that area as I wish I could be. My husband has always been better at that than I. We didn’t want the teaching to just be surface, outward behavior, but that God’s Word could get into them and do God’s work, which is so much more effective.

“I am so very aware that of course we did ‘something,’ but I just believe the fruit we have to this point, is by the grace of God. I know, because we regularly prayed James 1:5, that God gave us wisdom when we cried out for it, when we were SO stumped as to HOW to teach or train or deal with a certain behavior, that GOD gave wisdom.

“I wish I had more specifics to offer you to share, but honestly, we very much did as you did. Maybe you really have given your readers a good list of possible things God might use to help them, but I have found that people are often just wanting more and more suggestions and not really APPLYING what has already been given. They also need to be crying out to God with James 1:5 since every family situation is different, and God alone knows how to reach the heart of each individual child. We actually felt that on occasion, God did not allow us to ask advice of others so that we HAD to search it out for our own family. Other times, He seemed to allow it and gave us help through the wisdom and experience of others.

“Parenting is just plain HARD work, day after day after day for a very long time. But it is SO very, very worth it, when you see your children sincerely and faithfully walking with the Lord in very personal relationships with HIM. Seeing my older ones, encourages me to stay the course with my younger ones, and I still have plenty to work on.” Debbie

These are the years to be sowing seeds in your children’s lives that will produce strong life-time, sibling relationships. May I once again encourage you to be determined to set your heart on helping your children learn to communicate with each other, work together, and just be nice to each other. I believe they will thank you in the years to come.