Sometimes on MOTHBoard (the forum for registered owners of Managers of Their Homes books to discuss scheduling issues), we receive some extraordinary information. That happened recently, and I wanted to share it with you. First you will hear from a mom who is having trouble getting her girls to do their scheduled chores. Then you will read about an unusual but extremely powerful solution. I think you will be challenged.

How I Encouraged My Children to Do Their Chores

“Hello, my issue is with my 11, 13, and 16-year-old daughters doing their chores. The 16-year-old will do them but not always when she’s meant to. The 13-year-old is very, very slow at doing them. The 11-year-old will stamp upstairs, mutter under her breath, scream and shout, etc. before she does them, and sometimes she won’t do them. I am at my wit’s end. Mummy”

“Hi, Mummy,
We did something very unpopular, but it has been very, very effective. We stopped all media. That means no television shows and no video games. The only Internet in our house is on my computer in the main area of the home, so it’s visually accessible to everyone in the home.

I know. Some families cannot even imagine life without a television, and that’s okay. But if I may share some of the benefits with you, one of them is that our daughters’ behaviors and attitudes improved by leaps and bounds that first year.

The other benefits would include how much more creative they have become in problem solving, their grades have improved, they’ve learned to do things like sewing and bike riding more instead of sitting stagnant in front of the TV. Most importantly, they aren’t exposed to as many sinful images. So their eyes (Jesus calls our eyes, or sight/vision, the “window to the soul”) are protected more. The result of that? They’ve had an increased understanding of God’s Word, and their relationship with Him is more precious to them. Plus our family is much, much closer.

Removing media from your home will not be an easy decision. Lots of stomping and snorting and complaining may follow from your children. If you and your sweet husband pray about it, however, and come up with a plan to implement that strategy, you will never regret it.

That’s just one idea. 🙂 It has improved our lives so very much, and I hope you won’t mind my sharing it.

Praying with you.

Lots of love in Christ,
Melissa”

Sometimes families battle with difficult attitudes in children without realizing there are influences that might be underlying those attitudes. We were quite impressed by the changes this family discovered when they chose to remove media from their children’s lives. It was impressive to hear about the changes that can occur in children’s attitudes and in their relationships with Jesus when media is removed. Doing chores is important, but there is nothing as vital to a life than a relationship with Jesus Christ. What would happen if you removed media from your home?

Recently I have been helping moms who refer to themselves as schedule challenged. My goal is to lead them to schedule success. I have really enjoyed working one-on-one with these moms, and I have learned a great deal in the process.

Amazingly, most of what causes moms to have trouble with schedules isn’t a schedule problem at all. One issue that is quite common involves children who don’t do what they are supposed to do. When that is the case you can have a schedule full of activities, but the schedule won’t work because the children don’t do what is on the schedule.

For example, in one family the children were scheduled to get up, go to the bathroom, get dressed, and make their beds. The three older children each had a younger “buddy” to help through that process too. One day the mom e-mailed me to say that the children were having trouble getting to breakfast on time. She wondered if she should give them more time for the before-breakfast scheduled activities. I looked at her schedule and inquired, “Do the children actually have 1 1/2 hours to get up, go to the bathroom, get dressed, make their beds, and help their younger sibling do the same?” She confirmed that was the case.

I assured her that 45 minutes should be an amply adequate amount of time for those tasks and that 1 1/2 hours was way more time than was necessary. Truth be told, 30 minutes is a reasonable amount of time. The children, however, weren’t getting out of bed in the morning and moving through a set of activities that needed to be accomplished.

I think that is often the case with children. We expect them to do what they are supposed to do, and we are unhappy, disappointed, and frustrated when they don’t. We forget that they are children. We have to keep working with them so they can learn to do what they should do.

Usually, for change to occur, the problem has to become a focus so that solutions can be found. Moms tend to live in reactionary mode, putting out one fire after another. Ideally, however, the fires should be prevented from ever starting. That means taking protective measures.

It begins with seeking the One who has the answers to all of our dilemmas. “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5).

It also includes not fretting about the situation, “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7). When you are worried and stressed, it doesn’t solve the problem. It just makes you less patient and more short-tempered.

Next you want a plan of action. In this case I helped the mom focus on the problem and look for possible solutions, but you could troubleshoot the issues you are having with your children yourself. I gave four points to start her on a plan of action, and this month, I’ll share two with you.

#1: Are your children getting enough sleep? They should be ready to get up in the morning with five to ten minutes at the most to lie in bed waking up. If they aren’t ready to get up, perhaps they need to go to bed earlier. At any rate, I would suggest arranging the evening schedule such that children can be put to bed early as a consequence if they aren’t getting up in the morning.

We began by eliminating a physical problem that would keep the children from being able to get up in the morning and get moving. This is something to be investigated for almost any problem you are having with a child. A tired child will have issues with attitudes, obedience, and even concentration.

We also found this mom had a very simple consequence easily available for children who don’t get up in the morning when the alarm goes off—put the child to bed early.

#2: Perhaps you and your husband need to skip walking for a week or two, have your Bible time early, and then work with the children in helping them learn to do what they need to do in a timely fashion.

The parents walked together for exercise early in the morning, since the older children were old enough to be left alone and be responsible for the younger children. At 6:00 the children’s alarms went off and breakfast was at 7:30. The parents returned from their walk at 6:30. If the parents stay home rather than walking for a week or two, there is accountability for the children and added motivation for them to get up in the morning.

Then came instruction of the children as to how to do what they needed to do. The parents had felt that this step was already accomplished. The reality was that, since the children weren’t arriving at breakfast on time, the parents had some remedial work to do with them.

If each parent interacts with a child, he can give his student instructions on how to efficiently make a bed. He can monitor the child to be sure the child is doing his tasks rather than playing with toys or with the younger sibling whom he is to be helping. He also has the ability to show the child how little time it takes to do the jobs when that is his goal and he sets aside distractions. The parent and child can practice together for several days before the parent moves into the role of observer and finally lets the child solo again.

I’ll share the last two points to this plan next month, and then move into another scenario. I would encourage you to “not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not” (Galatians 6:9). Many of you are so weary you feel like giving up.

When you are faced with negative situations with your children, don’t be discouraged. Pray for wisdom, allow the Lord to set your heart at rest, and develop a plan to tackle the problem. As you implement your plan with the Lord’s strength and grace, I think you will be very pleasantly surprised at the progress your children will begin making in troublesome areas of their lives.

In May 2001, we published a book called Preparing Sons to Provide for a Single-Income Family. A top question many homeschooling families were asking at that time was: How can my sons get good jobs with a homeschool education? Because two of our sons had been taught at home throughout their school years, and because they were earning incomes that could support a family, we wanted to share what we had learned. It was our desire to encourage other families to stay the homeschooling course and to prepare their sons for their futures. That question is as pertinent today as it was then, and Preparing Sons is every bit as important and applicable as it was 13 years ago, maybe more so.

The information in Preparing Sons begins with ages 3 to 6, moves to 7 to 12, then 13 to graduation, and finally post-high school. There is so much in that book that is practical and easily implemented. Families whose sons were in their teens when they bought Preparing Sons now have sons who are in their late twenties to early thirties. Many of those families read that book and set it aside, continuing to live just as they had been living. Now in some of those families there are sons who are struggling needlessly in adulthood. Had their parents caught the vision presented in Preparing Sons, their sons might be in a better position to support a wife and children. It was within the power of the parents to give their sons the tools in their youth that would have smoothed their way to adulthood.

Then there were other families who read Preparing Sons and said, “We want to do this! We desire this outcome for our sons.” With the Lord, they developed a vision for their sons. They made changes, and they prepared their sons not to be children forever but to be responsible, capable adults. Today they see the positive fruit in their young adult sons’ lives.

We wonder what the outcome would have been if every family who read Preparing Sons decided to follow the advice it contained. How many young men would be free of addictions to entertainment? How many would have hearts to serve the Lord Jesus Christ rather than self? How many of them would have their own businesses? How many of them would own a debt-free house?

We think each of you has a desire for your sons to grow to manhood as virtuous, industrious men of God. What are you doing to facilitate that outcome? At almost every conference we hold, we meet moms who share with us about a husband who is a slave to video games, movies, or other forms of entertainment. How are you raising your children so that they will transition at the appropriate time from being a child to being a man?

When our boys became teens, we wanted to direct their time usage into profitable pursuits. Their childhood playtime was replaced by activities that were productive. Of course they had school that took up much of their day. They might spend other time practicing an instrument, doing lawn maintenance or other chores, and especially important was developing marketable skills. Our youngest son says in hindsight, he wishes he had learned even more vocational skills than he did during his youth.

We followed that pattern with all of our sons. The results were good. “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1 Corinthians 13:11).

Our children have appreciated the direction we encouraged them to take as they moved into their teen years. They don’t wish they had spent their teen years involved in entertainment. They see the outcome in their adult lives and are satisfied with the way their teen years were spent.

Time invested in productive pursuits during youth reaps positive benefits not only during those years but throughout their lives. We give our children purpose when they are teens by helping them be productive with their time. We can encourage them toward ministering and studying, while developing and utilizing skills that can be used to generate income in the present and in the future.

So many of the youth of today are hopeless. They don’t know Jesus Christ, and they have no purpose. Their lives are sadly out of control. Many are on anti-depressants. They have nothing worth living for, and they become overwhelmed with the emptiness of their lives.

Your children don’t have to be like that. You can turn the teen years into an exciting time, filled with responsibility and productivity with the accompanying outcome of satisfaction in their lives.

We have released another book called Buying a House Debt-Free: Equipping Your Son. In that book, we trace a path that parents can take to facilitate their son’s ability to purchase a debt-free house before he is 30. We want to see all of your sons do what our three older sons have done, with their two younger brothers following closely behind: own debt-free houses when they are married.

You love your children. What is your vision for them? Is it a big vision? Ours was. Twenty years ago most would have told us it was impossible to achieve the vision we had for our sons. It wasn’t—not for our sons, not for the other young men whose stories we share, and it doesn’t have to be for your sons.

If you have a son who is currently 13 years or older, will he own a house with no mortgage before he is 30? Can you instill that desire in your little boys who are only 5 or 6? The choice is yours. We want to set this generation of young men on fire for having real purpose in life with the side benefit of debt-free living. What do you want for your sons? Will you accept the challenge?

(To listen to the podcast, see this link.) As we raise our children, we desire for them to walk with the Lord and not to follow the ways of the world. The process of instilling God-honoring behavior in our children while not condemning those who make different choices can be difficult. Here is a question we were asked concerning this:

“I am writing to ask for your advice. You have been such an inspiration and a source of wisdom over the years that as I prayed for godly counsel in this area, your name immediately came to mind.

I am a homeschooling momma of six children ages 10 and under. Our goals for our children are to raise them to be God-loving, God-fearing people with a heart for serving others. How do I teach them right from wrong without becoming like a Pharisee? We have always been open with our children. If they come to us having seen something of which Jesus would not approve, we try to talk with them about what God would have us do. I feel as though at times the conversation has an undertone of ‘they should be more like us’ or ‘look at what a good job I (insert whichever kid is talking here) did.’ I want to teach my children to love the sinner and hate the sin. I want them to look with humility at their own lives and their own sins. How do I not condone the bad behavior that my children may have seen without seeming like a Pharisee looking to prove that we are right and they are wrong? Please help!” Courtney

The answers to those questions are tied up in discipleship, hearts, attitudes, and examples. Let’s start with some basics. Ephesians 6:4 instructs us to teach our children what Scripture says about how we are to live. “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”

We also read, “Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:19).

To disciple our children, we must clearly instruct them by telling them, “This is right. This is wrong. This is acceptable. This is unacceptable.” We should have a biblical basis for those statements, we should be able to communicate it to our children, and we should live from the heart what we are teaching them.

Next we have to decide exactly what being Pharisaical is. The Lord indicates in the Word that evidence of people’s spiritual condition will be observable in their lives. “Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them” (Matthew 7:16-20). We are told that we are to judge righteously. “Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment” (John 7:24).

However, we also read this: “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). We believe Jesus is speaking here against the Pharisaical attitude that Courtney is talking about and that we do not want in our lives nor in our children’s lives. It is judging that involves personal pride and condemnation of the other.

As our children grew, we explained to them biblically why we did what we did, but we let them know those were our decisions and that each family must make their own decisions before the Lord. We also told them that it wasn’t their place to tell others what was right and what was wrong, especially since they were children. Exhortation can be appropriate for elders in a church, and even for believers with each other, as Hebrews 3:13 says: “But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.” However, that is out of the realm of appropriateness for a child.

We suggested the children talk to us about their thoughts and concerns when they observed behavior in others that they didn’t think was godly. That gave us the opportunity to confirm their concerns or dispel them. It also allowed us to help direct their hearts toward being compassionate and praying for others rather than condemning them—loving the sinner.

Another thing we did was remind our children of the sin in our lives—the sin the Lord Jesus forgave when He redeemed us. “In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace” (Ephesians 1:7). We helped them know that we are no better than anyone else. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

We taught them through the Word that we have no righteousness of our own. It is only through the Lord Jesus Christ. The Pharisaical attitudes come from forgetting who we really are—sinners before a righteous and holy God. The parable found in Luke 18:9-14 is one that illustrates that fact and one that can be used to help our children toward right attitudes.

“And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others: Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.”

This process of discipling our children is ongoing, and involves continual discussions. Being in the Word on a daily basis shines God’s light into our hearts to help discern motives and condemn pride and unrighteous judgment. In our daily family Bible time, we regularly came across verses that played into helping our children with godly attitudes toward others who were making different choices than we were. We encourage you to use the Word to do that for your children.

May we be parents who hate the sin but love the sinner and teach our children to do the same.