All posts by Teri Maxwell

Teri Maxwell is wife to Steve for over 40 years, mom to eight children (three married), and grandma to eight. She loves keeping her home running smoothly and sharing with women in the vein of Titus 2:4&5. Teri homeschooled for thirty years, and she's graduated all her children. In between her other responsibilities, she manages to squeeze in writing time. She is co-author of the popular Managers of Their Homes and Managers of Their Chores. In addition, Teri's written three books just for ladies Homeschooling with a Meek & Quiet Spirit, Sweet Journey, and Sweet Relationships. She has been writing monthly encouragement articles for homeschool moms for 25 years. Find more information on Teri Maxwell and her books.

Scripture Memory and Bible Copying – Part 1

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This morning I was alone driving about thirty minutes to pick up Steve, who was returning a truck we had rented. I was reciting out loud to myself several large sections of Scripture that I have memorized. When I came to Colossians 3:16—”Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom . . .”—I was reminded of two e-mails we had recently received asking us about Scripture memory and Bible copying in our family. Here is what they asked:

“I have noticed a trend your family has that involves Scripture memorization. Do you have any information regarding how one would go about memorizing Scripture? I have always had difficulty in this area and would like to know if there is any specific methodology or steps that you use to accomplish this.” Mom 1

“I was wondering what your Bible copying involves? We were involved with Awanas for about four to five years, but the older my son gets the more he fights with learning the verses in the sections. He does have a lot of trouble keeping things memorized, so I think he gets frustrated with himself and gives up. So I’m looking for some way he can learn to memorize without the pressure, and get him back to being eager to learn more about God.” Mom 2

How can the Word of Christ dwell in me richly if I haven’t memorized it? I read my Bible personally every morning. We are also in the Word daily as a family in the evenings, and Steve reads a chapter of Scripture to me at night. I can think about the Word and meditate on it from those interactions with it, but what is dwelling in me richly is what I have memorized.

“Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee” (Psalms 119:11). Once again, to have the Word hidden in my heart is going to mean that I have it memorized. It is accurate, and it is true, and it is continually available in my heart to direct me. This is important not only in my life but also in my children’s lives. We want them to have the Word hidden in their hearts, dwelling there richly.

The simplest way our family memorizes Scripture is what I might term the whiteboard-mealtime-grace method. After we say grace before lunch and dinner, we recite a portion of Scripture together before we begin to eat. We have a whiteboard hanging in the dining room where the current Scripture is written down for us to read until it is memorized. The verses on our board now are Matthew 5:3-12. A couple of the previous passages were 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and Galatians 5:22-24.

Just by reading the verses two times a day as our family sits down to meals, we memorize them usually in a few days to weeks. The children learn them before Steve and I do. There is no pressure on anyone, and everyone—even the youngest—will eventually know all the verses on the whiteboard. We leave the set of verses up even after everyone knows them well so they become very ingrained. At that point, the Lord will put a new section of Scripture on Steve’s heart to put on the whiteboard on which we will begin to work.

I believe the key to Scripture memory is having it scheduled every day. That is one reason why our whiteboard-mealtime-grace Scripture method is effective. We work on it twice a day, day after day, and in this case it doesn’t even feel like we are memorizing. For other memorizing, if we will work on it for a set amount of time and do it consistently, we make good memorizing progress.

When our children were younger, I helped them memorize during one-on-one time we would have together. Once at a homeschool convention, we had purchased some books from Scripture Memory Fellowship to help guide me with our preschoolers’ memorizing. Each book had illustrations and a verse in large print. Since the children couldn’t read, I could hold the book open so that they could see the illustration and teach them the verse. Eventually they could say all the verses from the book by me simply flipping the pages so they could see the illustration. When we had completed memorizing all the verses in a particular book, it was with great joy that the child would recite his verses for the family at our family Bible time. We kept our preschoolers memorizing individual verses rather than larger portions of Scripture.

In teaching the preschoolers the verse, I would repeat the whole verse five times through. Then I would take the first phrase and say it five times. I would ask the child to try saying it on his own. If he couldn’t get started, I would say the verse again five times and ask him again. Sometimes I would say the phrase with him or start him off with the first couple of words. We would keep at it through the five to ten minutes that we had set aside for doing memory work.

The next day, I would start by asking the child if he could remember what he had learned the day before. If he remembered it, I would have him repeat it five times for me. If he couldn’t remember it, I would help him get started and see if he could go on by himself. We would work toward the child saying the phrase five times alone. If he couldn’t say any of the verse from the previous day, we would begin again where we had begun the day before.

Once the child had the first phrase down, I would move to the next phrase, saying it five times and seeing if he could say it. If he could, he would repeat it five times. If he couldn’t, I would say it for him again. When he could say the new phrase by himself, I would have him go back to the beginning of the verse, say his first phrase and add the new one on. This would again take practice. We always worked in groupings of five—five times with no mistakes before we moved on to the next step. Once the child has a verse memorized, in addition to learning new verses, we will review the previously-learned verses.

For our children who are older than preschool age, Steve talks with the child, and together they pick out a section of Scripture to memorize. Often it is a whole chapter once they are older. Because I had done Scripture memory with the children before they could read on their own, they learned my method of memorizing that they could utilize, or they could experiment with other ways themselves. When the children were younger, I would be the one to put time into the schedule for them to do Scripture memory. As they have gotten older, Steve has wanted them to choose Scripture memory on their own so they are to work it into their personal time.

Memorizing Scripture is often viewed as a difficult discipline by Christians–one that they would like to do but find themselves avoiding. Our family has discovered that it can be done quite simply by repeating verses when we gather at the table to eat our meals. We also help our pre-readers with their memorizing. If we set aside time to memorize, we will have memorizing success and find that it isn’t as hard as we think. It is difficult only if we haven’t invested the necessary time into it. May we be like the Psalmist and help our children to do this as well: “I will delight myself in thy statutes: I will not forget thy word” (Psalms 119:16). Next month we will look a little more into Scripture memory.

“The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction” (Proverbs 16:21). This is one of my favorite verses in regards to home schooling and to raising children. It is a verse I need to remind myself of daily. I also have to ask the Lord to help me see the value of pleasant words and to let me be aware of when they can be used. It is easy for me to spot a child’s infraction; that comes naturally. It takes the Lord’s help to be as conscious of when to use those pleasant words.

Pleasant words are appropriate in discipline situations. Sometimes I wonder what our children must think of us when we have our stern face and stern words on. Have you ever watched and listened to another mother in this mode and thought to yourself, “Look how hard and harsh she is!” Would our children have an easier time responding to our discipline if we had the same discipline but a sweet disposition while doing it? This is not the purpose of this Mom’s Corner, though. Rather I want us to consider the value of practicing pleasant words to praise and encourage our children.

Sometimes I am absolutely amazed, at what sounds very “syrupy” sweet to me when I say it, but will bring the biggest, brightest smile to my child. Right now Anna, age six, is diligently working on learning to read and write. When she makes a particular letter well, perhaps a ‘p,’ I will say, “What a great ‘p’ that was, Anna!” Her face immediately lights up with pleasure! I can assure you that there are many, many letters on her page that are not made nicely and even this one I am praising is probably not perfect. I feel certain, though, that she is much more motivated to continue working to make her letters nicely by my “pleasant words” than she would be by my criticism of her poorly formed ones.

When we brought our oldest son, now 22, home to school fifteen years ago, he was struggling with his newly acquired reading skills. I had no experience teaching reading and few resources to draw upon for the remedial help he needed. I decided that I would have him read out loud to me for ten minutes a day. I also purposed to praise him highly for the words he read correctly and to patiently help him sound out the words he struggled with, not allowing any criticism or irritation on my lips as I did so.

Unbelievably to me, within just a few short weeks, his reading skills had improved to where he could read almost anything put in front of him. He no longer dreaded reading time as he had before, but he was actually enjoying the stories he could now read for himself.

Pleasant words promote instruction. Isn’t instruction our goal in home schooling? We want our children to learn to be Christ-like; we want them to develop godly character, and we desire that they excel educationally as much as possible. Scripture says that pleasant words will help us to these goals because they promote instruction. We can say the exact same words with a sweet voice or with a hard voice, pleasant words or harsh words. What will be the outcome of each? We can also use pleasant words or critical words in most situations. Which will promote the instruction that is the prayer of our hearts for our children?

Gratitude comes under the heading of “pleasant words” in my mind. How I delight in expressions of gratefulness to me and how difficult it can be for me to receive criticism. I am finding this is just as true for my children. My seventeen-year-old daughter thrives on praise and gratitude, being highly motivated by it. Our children need to learn to receive criticism with a proper spirit, and I expect they will have plenty of opportunities for just that. I want to push that unnatural tendency in myself, learning to major on gratitude and praise while “minoring” on the reprimands that do come naturally.

“Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price” (1 Peter 3:3-4). I wonder how much of this meek and quiet spirit is evidenced by our pleasant words. No matter how hard I try for pleasant words, it is a matter of the Lord changing my heart. “. . . for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh (Matthew 12:34).” I must make this heart change issue an area that I am constantly bringing before my Lord Jesus Christ in prayer and petition. Also, I want to not be satisfied with having a spirit that easily criticizes my children but has difficulty praising them. “For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13).” I desire to see these negative heart attitudes as sin, confessing them to my children and to my Lord. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (I John 1:9).

Yes, I have a responsibility to teach and train my children which will involve plenty of opportunities to correct them, but may the joy of my heart be to praise, encourage, and express gratitude to them. May I see the value in these “pleasant words.” I challenge you to evaluate your day-to-day interactions with your children. Are they lop-sided on the critical, hard side or do you find frequent occasions to verbally express your pleasure with those precious children? Pleasant words promote instruction!

Nothing Between

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For many years, I was in bondage. It was a subtle bondage, and most people wouldn’t have thought there was anything wrong with what I was doing. However, what comes between my Lord Jesus and myself is bondage.

It began innocently enough many, many years ago by simply enjoying a Pepsi with my meal if we went out to eat. After a period of time, probably when we had a little more financial stability, I decided a Pepsi would be a treat when I cleaned house. So I started buying 24 packs of Pepsi at the grocery store, enabling me to have a cleaning-day supply at home.

I remember one day when I was pregnant talking to Steve on the phone while he was at work. It was the middle of the afternoon, and I was tired. I told him a Pepsi would be a nice pick-me-up for some extra energy. He said, “Sure. Go ahead.” That one little statement from Steve was all I needed to push my way into having a Pepsi every afternoon—for that caffeine boost.

More time passed, and there was a day when I was weary in the morning. My solution was a Pepsi right then, and before long it was not only an afternoon habit but a morning one as well. If there was a special occasion, Steve might buy me a 2-liter so I could sip on Pepsi throughout the day. When we were out and around, I would get a soda from a convenience store if we stopped for gas or just because it sounded good.

In my mind I justified my Pepsis. I worked hard taking care of a large family and homeschooling. I needed energy boosts, and I felt I deserved a treat. Sometimes the Pepsi was an escape from the pressure and problems of the day rather than turning to the Lord for His comfort.

Are you familiar with the words to the beautiful hymn “Nothing Between”? It says:

Nothing between my soul and the Savior,
Naught of this world’s delusive dream;
I have renounced all sinful pleasure—
Jesus is mine! There’s nothing between.

Chorus
Nothing between my soul and the Savior,
So that His blessed face may be seen;
Nothing preventing the least of His favor;
Keep the way clear! Let nothing between.

Nothing between, like worldly pleasure;
Habits of life, tho harmless they seem,
Must not my heart from Him ever sever—
He is my all! There’s nothing between.

There was “something between” for me. While it appeared to be a harmless habit of life, it had become a sinful, worldly pleasure for me because it had become so important. During the day, I thought about when I would get another Pepsi. I hoped when we were out that we would stop at the convenience store so I could buy a big drink from the soda fountain. If I didn’t have a Pepsi, I’d get a headache, so I was always trying to prevent that from happening.

While I greatly enjoyed drinking my Pepsi, I was truly in bondage. I fought spiritual battles over my Pepsi—defending it one moment and feeling condemned the next. I would drink a Pepsi telling the Lord that it would be my last one, but the next day I’d find myself rationalizing it again.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9:27: “But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.” Paul understood what was important spiritually, and he took steps to keep his body in subjection. I knew that my body wasn’t in subjection. It was ruling me instead of me ruling it.

I knew the amount of soda I was consuming wasn’t good for my health or my teeth. It was an unnecessary expense, and if I didn’t have a Pepsi, I was guaranteed a caffeine headache. I planned to stop drinking Pepsi many times but would end up deciding I’d wait for another day.

Twice I succeed in getting off the caffeine for several weeks or a couple of months only to end up back on it. I thought I could start drinking the Pepsi again, and keep it in moderation. Although I would begin with small amounts, before long I was back to where I had been before.

I remember a friend telling me about how she had stopped smoking. She was trying to stop but was out gardening when a very strong urge to smoke hit her. She cried out to the Lord and said, “If You want me to stop smoking, Lord, You will have to take this craving from me.” And He did.

I thought to myself. “Lord, if You will do it for her, You can do it for me.” That’s how I started praying. However, in my life the Lord hasn’t zapped me from my sinful directions into a righteous path, although I keep hoping it will work like that. It would be so much easier.

“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it” (1 Corinthians 10:13). This verse showed me that the Lord doesn’t stop making the temptation a temptation. Rather He provides the way of escape. Then I have to decide if I will take the way of escape or give in to the temptation.

“Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God” (Romans 6:13). Here I saw again that I had to make a choice. What would I yield to—righteous or unrighteousness?

In my spiritual battle with my sin, I knew the Lord was telling me the Pepsi had become an idol in my life. That was evidenced by my wanting to stop drinking it but not being able to and by the focus it had taken for me. Finally, the Lord’s conviction of my sin was so strong that I said in my heart, “It isn’t worth it. I don’t want anything between my soul and the Savior.”

I made the decision to stop yielding to unrighteous, and God’s grace was sufficient. “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

On December 31, 2006, I drank my last Pepsi. It was a miserable two days as I suffered through the caffeine withdrawal, but I kept crying out to Him for His grace and strength. The joy I have experienced this past year and a half since being freed me from my bondage is completely worth the discomfort of the withdrawal.

The sodas had become a habit for me. I would drink a soda—when I was happy, when I was sad, in the morning, in the afternoon, on special occasions, when we were running errands—there was almost always a reason to have a soda, and it was all part of the habit of my life. After getting off the Pepsi, when I hit those habitual times, I longed for a soda at first, but every time I put my thoughts on how much I desired the Lord Jesus and how much I didn’t want to be back in bondage. I asked for His help as the days went by. I knew from my previous attempts at freedom that I could justify starting again and soon be back into the old habits.

“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” (Philippians 4:13). Experientially, in the release from Pepsi drinking, I found this to be true, but only as I yielded to righteousness and chose to take the way of escape from the temptation. It didn’t happen automatically. The desire wasn’t removed from me. I had to fight a spiritual battle with the help of the Lord Jesus Christ. The way of escape was to care more about the Lord Jesus than about my sinful pleasure.

I want to make it clear as I bring this Mom’s Corner to a close that I am not saying drinking a Pepsi is sin. Instead, I am telling you how something that isn’t inherently sinful in itself became sin for me because of the focus it had taken in my heart. “Whatsoever is not of faith is sin” (Romans 14:23). “Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin” (James 4:17). I knew the Lord was convicting me that I shouldn’t continue the Pepsi habit in my life. I was aware that it wasn’t pleasing to Him. Yet, for a long time, I allowed my flesh to rule my heart.

I share this story because I know many of those who read the Mom’s Corner are in bondage to something. It might be what others would call sin, but it might be like my Pepsi drinking—something that no one else would consider wrong. From the moms who share their spiritual struggles with me, I know that this list could include soda, coffee, smoking, other treats, an addiction to the computer or TV, and many others. Each of us knows our own hearts. We are aware of what it is that comes between us and our Savior. Don’t think that because you have tried for freedom before that you just give in to it, live with it, justify it, and say it’s the way you are. I had tried before as well. It took becoming more and more miserable in my sin for me to get to the place where I would choose the way of escape.

My heart’s desire is to encourage each of us to be free. “If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed” (John 8:36). “For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another” (Galatians 5:13). Hardly a day goes by that I don’t rejoice in my freedom and liberty from the flesh. I never want to return to that bondage; the joy of nothing between is too sweet. Would you be free as well?

When a Wife Disagrees with Her Husband – Part 6

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As we wrap up a six-part Mom’s Corner series on how a wife biblically handles disagreements with her husband, I want to remind you that we are looking at 1 Peter 3:1-6: “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”

I encourage you to read the whole series since any one of the articles will not give a complete picture. With each of these articles, I have repeated that I am not writing to wives who are in abusive situations.

Here is a mom who has written to me with some specific questions. “Thanks for the Corner on obeying your husband. I can hardly wait to read the next one. I need more info in the future Corners on what a wife speaks up about, and what she should keep quiet about. Should I say something in private if his teasing hurts the kids’ feelings? How do I teach the kids to obey Scripture that goes against what their dad is doing? For example, if he complains and criticizes his boss vehemently, I feel like I need to explain that the kids can’t criticize their dad, and they can’t imitate him either. HELP! I love my husband and I want the kids to respect him, but the things he does are not respectful.” A Questioning Wife

I would suggest that this mom not speak to her husband, even privately, when he has hurt the children’s feelings by teasing—unless he has asked her to point such things out to him. The husband is probably already aware of the children’s reaction to his teasing. If he won’t stop his teasing when he observes his children’s hurt feelings, I would be surprised if he would respond well to his wife bringing it up. However, when he has a good conversation with them, the wife could praise and encourage him in what a great father he is and how he is building relationships with his children.

It is true that we want to teach a child not to criticize his father. If the child is being critical, we can help him to think about the positive aspects of his daddy and being grateful for those, even using Scripture. The wife wouldn’t bring up that the child’s father has a critical spirit toward others. When Dad is criticizing his boss, that is a time for Mom to be quiet. She might be able to help alleviate those critical feelings her husband is experiencing by telling him she wants to make him his favorite dessert because of what a hard day he has had or rubbing his neck while expressing her gratitude for his diligent work in a difficult situation. Those expressions of love and tenderness by the wife will be as strong an example to the children as the father’s negative example.

Here is one final question I would like to answer: “If a wife disagrees with a decision a husband has made or a direction he is taking the family, can we express our concerns, one time only (with a correct tone of voice, attitude, etc.), or are we just to pray and never say anything?”

Obviously, in normal conversation between a husband and wife there will be differences of opinion expressed. I think that whether a wife specifically brings up a concern would depend partly on her husband. Does he want her to share? Is he open to her opinion? Has he asked her to let him know whenever she has concerns about what is going on?

My thinking is that for those men who are closed to their wives’ thoughts and opinions, it probably will only put more distance between them if she were to bring up her disagreement, and probably it wouldn’t make any difference to him. However, for the man who wants his wife’s counsel, he will likely receive it from her and consider it in his decision making.

Even though Steve is one of those husbands who would welcome and listen to my concerns and disagreements, I find it is very easy for me to fall into a pattern of sharing any and all of them that I have. That leads me to a critical, controlling spirit rather than being the helpmeet that I want to be. I personally prefer to choose to pray—because of 1 Peter 3—unless Steve asks me for my opinion or thoughts. To be sure, I am still growing in this area and sometimes say something when I would rather have just prayed about it. However, I also have the sweet victory of being much quieter than I was early in our marriage when it comes to disagreements. The direction Steve takes when it isn’t the way I would choose is, more often than not, just fine. If it isn’t, it is a lesson from the Holy Spirit, which is so much better than from a controlling wife.

There are numberless questions that could be asked on this topic. I would never be able answer them all, nor would it be my place. Each wife must study Scripture, pray, and apply what she is learning in her spiritual walk in a practical sense when those disagreements with her husband arise. I can only share what I have learned and practiced in my own life.

Here are three audio resources that might be helpful to wives that deal with the topic of a wife who disagrees with her husband, which I recommend and which we carry at Titus2.com:

The Attitude No Lady Should Have, by Dr. S.M. Davis

How a Wife Can Use Reverence to Build or Save Her Marriage, by Dr. S.M. Davis

Loving Your Husband, by Teri Maxwell

I would like to conclude this Mom’s Corner series with another testimony to encourage wives to win their husbands without a word by their meek and quiet spirit while trusting in God.

“I am a homeschooling mom to 4 that has been blessed tremendously through the years by your monthly columns. This month’s message about honoring our husbands truly resonated with me. I have been married almost 22 years and it has been very difficult because I have not been obedient to Scripture, and I am so glad that you are teaching on these passages.

“I married my husband during a rebellious period of my life when I had turned my back on the Lord. I was a believer, and he was not. When I was expecting our first child, I was overwhelmed with conviction about how wrong I was living my life, and I gave myself back over to the Lord.

“My husband was confused and aggravated over my zeal to re-embrace my faith, and difficult times began. I thought it was my job to bring him kicking and screaming into the kingdom of God. I wanted him to have an earth-shattering conversion experience and become the perfect Christian husband. I thought God needed my help, and I did everything wrong and in my own strength. I know the Lord knew my motives were right but my actions were wrong. I was ignorant of what 1 Peter 3 taught, but eventually I began to realize how blessed I was that my unbelieving husband was content to dwell with me. However, there were still many problems. I began to make an idol out of my husband becoming a believer, and it began to consume my thoughts and my life, and I was sorely discontent and began a mindset of negativity and anger.

“It took a lot of time, but with biblical counsel from a dear pastor at my church, I began to realize that I was the problem. I needed to get on my knees and beg God to change my heart and forgive all the sin in my life because of my wrong thinking of this situation. I began to realize that forgiveness and a desire to bless my husband was the right way to think. I began to see him as a gift from God for me to love in spite of his sin and wrong ways. I began to realize that God would work in my husband’s life in His own way and time. I could trust the Lord and wait.

“My husband is now a believer. After 21 years of marriage I finally have a whole family in church together in the Lord.” A Victorious and Blessed Wife

This series has taken six months to complete, and we have covered only one passage in the New Testament instructing wives. Wives have great potential to influence the atmosphere of their homes in all areas, but particularly in the area of how to deal with times of disagreement with her husband. She can choose to be quiet, with a meek spirit—leading to a peaceful home and perhaps the winning of her husband to the biblical path. She can also choose to express her opposition, and no matter how nicely she manages to do this, it will create conflict. What choice will you make?

When a Wife Disagrees with Her Husband – Part 5

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For several months now, we have been delving into a situation that every wife will find herself facing—disagreements with her husband. Even in the best of relationships, husband and wife will not see eye to eye on everything. When the husband isn’t saved or isn’t following the Lord, the disagreements are frequent and burdensome. How a wife is biblically to respond to these problems is the theme of the Mom’s Corners since January. I will reiterate that these articles are not addressing a wife who is a victim of an abusive husband.

A practical aspect of this spiritual walk of obedience in submission to a husband would be the continual giving of a wife to prayer for herself, her husband, and her children. If a husband is to be won without a spoken word and the wife then chooses not to speak up against him, she can pray—for her husband, for his decisions, for herself, for her responses to him, and for her children. This is one way to combat the fear that wants to creep into a wife’s heart. Philippians 4:6-7 tells us, “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” That phrase “be careful for nothing” means “don’t be anxious or worried.”

Sometimes a wife is upset or unhappy about circumstances with her husband, but she allows her mind to stew about the problems rather than giving her thoughts to praying for herself and her husband. The more a wife dwells on the problems, the more likely it is that she will find herself falling into self-pity and bitterness. Each difficulty that arises with a husband is an opportunity for the wife to follow Jesus when He said, “. . . If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me” (Matthew 16:24). This is not an easy thing to do. It comes through yielding to the Spirit. However, the path of submission, prayer, and blessing of a husband will bring the fruit of the Spirit to a wife’s life. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23). I think you will be quite amazed at the changes you will find in your heart if you choose to yield to the righteousness of responding to a husband with a meek and quiet spirit.

I believe women who are married to unbelievers can be greatly encouraged by this verse: “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy” (1 Corinthians 7:14). God has a purpose in this relationship—for the wife, for the husband, and for the children. Obviously, this sanctification and holiness does not refer to an unbelieving husband being saved simply because he is married to a believing wife since each person must come to salvation on his own. However, there is something spiritual—the Greek word for sanctification means set apart from evil— that is happening when a believer chooses to remain obedient to the Lord in the marriage relationship. The believer’s walk with the Lord is to have an influence on both her husband and her children.

It is important that the children see their mom’s love for Jesus Christ, the peace He gives her, and His joy in her life. They should be drawn to the Lord from what they observe in their mother’s life. However, if Mom is speaking negatively about her husband, his decisions, and his way of life, the children will react against her controlling, critical words. They will also most likely struggle with a bitter spirit toward their father if they perceive a “poor me” attitude in Mom—the kind of attitude that is portrayed through an observable martyr syndrome where Dad always has his way but Mom never does. That may be the reality of a submissive wife’s obedient walk with the Lord when her husband isn’t following the Lord as he should be. However, if her submission is done with peace and joy rather than resignation, grudging, or self-pity, the children will be shown the power of Jesus Christ in a life.

Let’s look at a specific question that I have been asked to see how we can practically apply 1 Peter 3:1-6. A mom says, “I need to know if I am undermining my husband’s authority when I take the kids out of the room when he is watching TV that I find inappropriate.” Ephesians 6:4 tells us, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Scripture places the responsibility for the children being raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord on the father. There may be consequences in the children’s lives for the father’s poor decisions, but the father is the one who bears the responsibility. A simple understanding of that biblical concept can relieve a wife of much worry concerning her husband’s decisions and lifestyle and how it impacts her children. Her responsibility is to follow her husband.

If a wife knows her husband wants the children to watch TV with him, then she would be undermining his leadership by taking them out of the room. However, if he is simply involved in his own entertainment and doesn’t care what the children are doing, then the mom could easily have an evening routine set in place for the children to help her with kitchen cleanup after dinner, maybe play a couple of games, take baths, brush teeth, read together, and then go to bed. That wouldn’t be undermining the husband’s authority because he doesn’t have any direction for the children for that time.

Next month I want to conclude this series. In the meantime, if you face an area of disagreement with your husband, why don’t you try being quiet about it. Pray for your heart that it will be filled with a desire to bless and encourage your husband despite any lack of unity. Pray for your husband to be following the Lord’s direction, and be careful that you don’t assume that your way is the right way. May we be wives who bring honor to Jesus Christ in our relationships with our husbands.

When a Wife Disagrees with Her Husband – Part 4

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While I don’t track the frequency of questions I receive via e-mail, the topic of what a wife is to do when she doesn’t agree with her husband has to be one of the top runners. If the areas of disagreement are major and ongoing, these women feel very alone in the problems with which they are dealing every day. They want to follow Scripture, but they don’t know what they are to do or where they should turn for guidance and encouragement.

This series of articles is looking at 1 Peter 3:1-6 and evaluating its practical application for wives when they disagree with their husbands—either in trivial matters or on a major issue. I encourage you to read the other parts of this series if you have not done so to understand what has already been said. These articles are not dealing with the subject of a wife who is in an abusive situation.

Once again, here are the applicable verses: “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement” (1 Peter 3:1-6).

Even though a wife may not agree with her husband’s decisions and way of life, she is to be in subjection to her husband with a trust in Jesus. That trust doesn’t mean that everything will turn out the way she wants it to, but it does mean that her heart is looking to her Savior and choosing obedience to His will for her life. Remember Paul. From outward appearances everything was wrong—beatings, stonings, shipwrecks, hunger, and hardship—but he was content, grateful, and joyful, not in his circumstances but in Jesus and in obedience to his Lord.

A vicious cycle is set in motion when a wife disagrees with her husband. Usually she isn’t quiet, and discussion comes up on multiple topics of dissension. He reacts to her criticism or negative words about his decisions. If he tries to change, he finds that one area isn’t enough because she continues to bring up her concerns about how he is leading his family. Eventually he may give up and resign himself to not being able to please her no matter how much he tries. If he chooses not to change to her way of thinking on the problem areas, he still knows she doesn’t agree with him and feels that lack of respect on her part. Bitterness creeps into his heart toward her. Bitterness creeps into her heart toward him. The wedge is in place and growing.

A wife can begin the process of removing the wedge. To illustrate how this would work, let me again tell you the story of our neighbor’s dog named Pepper. She is the most excitedly affectionate dog you could imagine. She expresses her joy in the presence of any passerby by wagging her tail, jumping up and down, and yipping happily while racing up and down the fence line. She has so won the hearts of those who walk by her yard on a regular basis that her owners had to put a note on the fence saying that Pepper had developed some health problems and could no longer be fed the treats the neighbors were offering her.

It is hard to resist someone whose face lights up when they see us, who expresses love for us, who is grateful to us, who praises us, and who follows us in our decisions. That would be how a husband feels as well. When a wife can let go of her fear, anxiety, critical spirit, negative words, and bitterness, she can chart a course for that meek and quiet spirit toward her husband. She can smile at her husband, tell him she loves him, be grateful to him, praise him, and follow his decisions—without any kind of negative reaction.

Many wives feel weary when these struggles of disagreement with a husband go on for years without any visible change, and understandably so. However, Galatians 6:9 and 2 Thessalonians 3:13 tell us not to grow weary in doing what we should be doing. “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not” (Galatians 6:9). “But ye, brethren, be not weary in well doing” (2 Thessalonians 3:13). Obviously, since this is a command, then it is a choice on a wife’s part as to whether she will give in to being weary or not. She will compound her weariness when she continually thinks about her struggles and disappointments. She will find rest and joy for her spirit when she keeps her mind steadfastly first on Jesus and then on the blessings He has given her. “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31). This has to be her hope.

As I conclude this Mom’s Corner, I want to share with you another personal testimony to encourage you in choosing obedience to the Lord even when it goes against what you want to do.

“Our family has been there, and I can testify that keeping my mouth shut was the best thing I could have done! It was completely unnatural and I did it by faith, choosing to believe that my husband could be ‘won’ without my input. It was very difficult, truly a ‘spiritual discipline,’ but the Holy Spirit was faithful to help me. In fact I remember praying and telling the Lord I would never bring the subject up, and I wouldn’t even mention anything to do with it unless my husband did first. Several months later, he started bringing it up, and it took several tries for him to get me to say anything! Now that was something different! But God was faithful and worked everything together for good. I am thankful for that brief passage in 1 Peter because it truly gave me something solid to hang on to when I wanted to do things the way that seemed ‘logical’ to me.” A Hopeful Wife

When a Wife Disagrees with Her Husband – Part 3

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In this Mom’s Corner series, we are considering the common problem a wife will face when she disagrees with her husband. Every wife will experience this difficulty in her marriage to some degree, but some will have great struggles because the disagreements are so frequent or of such mammoth proportions. The difference of heart may be as simple as how an evening of time is spent or as big as how the children are educated. No matter what proportion it is, a wife wants to look to Scripture to determine the path the Lord Jesus would have for her when these situations surface. I would encourage you to read Part 1 and Part 2 of this series for the background from which we are continuing on this topic. This series of articles is not written for wives who are in abusive marriages.

Let’s review our key verses: “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement” (1 Peter 3:1-6).

1 Peter 3 is written specifically to wives and gives detailed, clear instruction as to what they should do if they have husbands who don’t obey the word. Even though this husband isn’t following the Lord, the wife is still told to be in subjection to her husband so that her husband can be won without her saying anything, but rather by her meek and quiet spirit. The teaching is definitive. However, the daily living out of 1 Peter 3 becomes the challenge. It will be an ongoing battle with the flesh that wants to keep verbally pushing a husband for change and is fearful of the consequences of no change.

The example given to us of women who had meek and quiet spirits rather than words of disagreement are holy women of old, specifically Sarah. We are told that Sarah obeyed Abraham, even calling him lord. Yet, consider the husband she was obeying. In order to protect himself, Abraham told Sarah to say she was his sister—and she was his half-sister—if they were ever approached by the men of the countries through which they were traveling. This actually happened twice. Because of Sarah’s beauty and obedience to her husband, she was taken two times into another man’s harem. Sarah chose to be subject to her husband rather than give in to her fear. To save his own skin, Abraham let his wife down, but God didn’t. You can read these two accounts in Genesis 12:11-20 and Genesis 20.

1 Peter 3:6 tells us, “. . . whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.” I think Sarah would have had good reason to be fearful, but she is set up as an example to us. We are encouraged not to be fearful. Why does a wife speak up to her husband when she disagrees with him? Often her motivation is fear. What will happen to our finances if he makes these decisions? What will happen to our children if he makes these decisions? What will happen to me if he makes these decisions? What will happen to our future if he makes these decisions?

Verse 2 of 1 Peter 3 says that our pure behavior is to be aligned with fear, while verse 6 instructs us not to be afraid. The fear in verse two would have to do with our fear of God and the desire He has for a wife’s submission to God as her Lord and to her husband. Verse 6 is referring to not being afraid of the outcome of choosing to be in subjection to a husband, to win him without a word, and to have a meek and quiet spirit.

A wife’s hope and expectation has to be in her Lord Jesus Christ, not in what her husband does or does not do. It is a spiritual path of growing in faith for a wife. Whether or not a husband is walking in obedience to the Lord does not affect a wife’s obedience to Jesus’ instruction in 1 Peter 3, where she is admonished to win her husband without a word, by her meek and quiet spirit, and not to give in to fear.

Let me share with you a testimony from a wife who has been reading this series and writes about her personal experiences:

“Thank you so much for addressing the issue of disagreements between spouses. My husband has been backslidden from the Lord for a few years now. I often hear these 1 Peter 3 verses, but it can be hard to actually apply them to daily living. I know how hard it is to be quiet, when all you want to do is shake his eyes open to the Word of God! It becomes even harder to obey the Scripture as the years go by without becoming bitter and resentful if no change takes place.

“So I hope you will also encourage ladies who have been there a while not to let their obedience falter. God told Joshua to ‘. . . be thou strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law. . .’ (Joshua 1:7). As we submit to our husbands, our behavior must still be that which is godly. We must be patient, and have faith that God’s way is the only way which will prove victorious. I consider Moses, Abraham, David, and others—how long they had to wait to receive God’s promises. ‘Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass’ (Psalms 37:5).

“My husband’s heart has not turned back to the Lord yet, but he does allow me to faithfully attend church, homeschool our two children, and use Scriptures to guide them. I know that God would not be able to bless in these areas if I took the situation into my own hands.” An Obedient Wife

As I read this testimony, I sensed the pain this wife feels over a husband who is not spiritually leading his family, her overwhelming desire to be obedient to her Lord Jesus Christ in her own life, and the choice she is making to dwell on the blessings she has rather than what she wishes were different. What a difference it will make in a woman’s life if she will practice “bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). Practically speaking, that would mean doing what “An Obedient Wife” has done by being thankful for what she has and is able to do rather than being unhappy about what isn’t happening. “Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Ephesians 5:20). “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content” (Philippians 4:11). The Lord Jesus would have her be in subjection to her husband, despite his failures, rather than growing a critical spirit in her heart toward him.

May every wife study 1 Peter 3 and learn its application to her life. May we find the joy of obedience to the Lord Jesus in fulfilling our calling as wives—the easy aspects and the challenging ones as well. I still have more to share on this subject, so the series will continue.

When a Wife Disagrees with Her Husband – Part 2

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In this series of articles, we are looking at the difficult topic of how a Christian wife is to respond to a husband with whom she disagrees. The disagreement may be over small issues that come up from time to time, or it could point to major problems that are global and continuous. I would encourage you to read the first article to get the background and learn where we are picking up in this article. Please bear in mind that I am not a counselor, simply a sister in Christ. What I share in these articles is not addressing a wife in an abusive situation.

1 Peter 3:1-6 provides clear direction for wives when their husbands are not obediently following the Lord Jesus. These are the verses we are evaluating for help in how a wife deals with a husband whom she believes is making poor spiritual choices. “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”

While verse one tells a wife what she shouldn’t do to win the husband—use her words—verses two through four explain what she is to do. The first verse surprises me because it is so terribly hard for a wife to be quiet about what she perceives to be wrong decisions her husband is making. It can seem that if a wife doesn’t speak up, nothing will change. Verses two through four are more understandable to me. They go along with the old saying, “Actions speak louder than words.” Most wives have already tried using their words to persuade their husbands to a different course of action simply because that is a wife’s natural bent. They also have most likely discovered the ineffectiveness of doing this and perhaps have seen that it drives a wedge in their relationships with their husbands, developing a spirit of bitterness in each of their hearts.

Here is a short testimony from a wife who was encouraged by the first Mom’s Corner in this series and has experienced the ineffectiveness of using her words to try to change her husband:

“I’ve been praying for a while on how to handle things in a right spirit when my husband is wrong. Many times, biblically, I know I’m right and he’s wrong; however, because I keep trying to tell him, even nicely and sweetly, it just makes him not want to do it more. In addition, I’m just as wrong for not being quiet. I want to learn to pray instead of forcing him to understand the way it should be.” A wife learning to be obedient to 1 Peter 3

A wife can’t be responsible for her husband and his choices. However, she is responsible for herself and what she is doing. Here in 1 Peter, we see that she is to use her behavior—her purity and her meek and quiet spirit. Remember from the last Mom’s Corner that the word “conversation” used in this verse actually means “behavior.” A meek and quiet spirit is not only a vehicle to win her husband, but it also is of great price in the sight of God. I write much that relates to having a meek and quiet spirit, such asHomeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spiritand many of the Mom’s Corners. I don’t want to repeat what is there, so I suggest if you want more information on a meek and quiet spirit, you read some of those materials.

As a sister in the Lord, I want to exhort and encourage a wife to look closely at what is going on in her life, making that her main and only focus, rather than her husband’s behavior and decisions. It is natural for a woman to be consumed with the problems she is facing, and then when her husband doesn’t change, she becomes bitter. This then causes her to have negative, controlling, condescending, disappointed attitudes and responses that are evident to her husband and to her children even if they aren’t to her. She doesn’t see that her disobedience to the Lord’s direction for her in 1 Peter 3 is no different from the disobedience her husband is exhibiting in other areas of life.

I would like to share with you a specific testimony about this from a mom who read the first article in this series. Here is what she writes:

“My husband is not saved, and I have one six-year-old child. It grieves my heart to let my husband allow my son to be disobedient. However, I know how it grieves the Holy Spirit and our Father when He sees me, His child, being disobedient. It is so hard to be quiet.

“Before reading your article, I had just had a disagreement with my husband over a child training issue. I called him back and apologized for being contentious. He said thank you, and I heard a sense of relief in his voice. Women do not really know how their words affect men. The Lord shows me how real He is through the life-giving words of Scripture. I’m encouraged by the fact that the more our society departs from His word, the more we will be able to see the beauty of His way.” Another wife learning to be obedient to 1 Peter 3

The spiritual walk of a wife who does not agree with her husband, whether it is in small areas or huge ones, is a walk of faith and spiritual growth. The ability to win a husband without a word but by her behavior—pure, meek, and quiet—will not be achieved in her own strength. It will be a work of the Lord Jesus in her life as she submits herself first and foremost to the grace and direction of God. Scripture gives us the hope of victory. “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” (Philippians 4:13).

Some wives might say, “But I have tried so many times, and I am just too weak. I end up saying something even when I know I should be quiet.” Here is encouragement for them. “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

My desire is to help wives look to Scripture for their guidance in how to respond to their husbands in areas of disagreement, whether they are minor or major. May I challenge you to purpose to be quiet at those times of conflict. Pray for your husband, pray for the Lord’s strength in living out that desire of your heart, and repent if you fail. Focus on your own obedience to the Lord by being quiet and developing a meek and quiet spirit rather than dwelling on your husband’s disobedience. In the next portions of this series, I plan to finish looking at 1 Peter 1:1-6, answer some specific questions that were asked from the last article, and share more testimonies as encouragement for those who are feeling very alone in this struggle.

When a Wife Disagrees with Her Husband – Part 1

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Steve and I often receive e-mails from wives asking questions about how to respond to a husband with whom they disagree in some way. This is obviously a situation that every wife will have to deal with in her marriage; for many it will be on a regular basis. Some who write to us give an example of one particular issue of disagreement, such as her desire to have more children while he says “no” or activities he allows for the children from which she thinks they should be sheltered. Here is an example from a Mom’s Corner request e-mail:

We’ve managed to keep most of our children’s hearts, but two of them just seem determined to test us and stray. My husband isn’t sure that we are losing their hearts. He thinks that their behavior is ‘normal’ for children their age. One is eleven, the other seven. As a mom, I fear being too harsh and severing that connection completely, but I also fear being too soft and watching them slip further away. My husband sees no problem at all with their conniving, lying, and trickery to get out of chores, but I think that’s because he’s gone all day and can’t deal with things immediately. So is there a problem? Is it me? Do I leave it until it becomes a problem for my husband? I would appreciate a Corner in response to this. A questioning wife

Other wives are crying out for answers to the questions and problems raised from living with a husband who either isn’t saved or is not following the Lord. The anguish in her heart not only for herself but also for the consequences in the children’s lives is evident. These e-mails relate stories of husbands who don’t lead their families spiritually, bring negative influences into the home, allow the children do be involved in things that are spiritually harmful to them, don’t spend time with their families, leave decision making to their wives, and more. If the man attends church, he may appear to be like the other men, but his wife knows a different story at home. These wives are caught in a terrible emotional dilemma: how to submit to and honor a man who isn’t being what God wants him to be and is leading the children down the same path. Here is an example of this kind of situation, also from a Mom’s Corner request e-mail:

I am married to an unbeliever who says he is a Christian. How do I keep him from cussing around our son and treating him with contempt? He also watches things on TV that are inappropriate. He then tells our son he is an adult and will watch what he wants! He is very controlling and rude. He goes to church with us about 60 percent of the time. Please address this issue. Thank you!!! Another questioning wife

I am not a counselor, but I can share some thoughts as a sister in Christ that I believe relate Scripturally to the wives who have a particular area of disagreement with their husbands and also to those whose husbands are not leading their families spiritually at all. I give these ideas based on knowing myself and from interacting with other wives who have written about similar situations. What I am writing is not addressed to wives who are victims of abuse.

While you may not find yourself facing these same scenarios, every wife has a husband who will sin at least from time to time. She needs to know how the Lord wants her to respond to her husband at these moments, and what she is to do with her thoughts. I think the verses we will be looking at in these Mom’s Corners could apply to wives who have a godly, Christian marriage.

“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement” (1 Peter 3:1-6).

The first part of 1 Peter 3 is written specifically for a wife with a husband who is not obeying the word—either he is not saved, he is not following the Lord Jesus with his life, or he is not obeying in a specific area. This section of Scripture sets a clear path for a wife if she disagrees with her husband when he is not following the Lord and what it is that will bring about change in him, if it is to happen.

Often Scripture is silent in areas about which we would like exact direction, but here we find six verses that deal with a problem that wives face and for which they want biblical answers. Sometimes, I have read others who suggest a wife respond to a sinful husband in ways outlined in other sections of Scripture discussing how one believer relates to another. However, 1 Peter 3:1-6 would seem to supersede those verses since these are talking specifically to a wife.

The keys in this portion of Scripture I believe are:
“without a word”
“meek and quiet spirit”
“calling him lord”
“not afraid with any amazement”

“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives” (1 Peter 3:1). I find this verse to be most amazing. A wife is to be in subjection to her husband—even the husband who is not obeying the word. That kind of husband would be the most difficult husband to follow.

When a wife disagrees with her husband, either she is right or he is right. Let’s first assume that she is discerning Scripture correctly, and her husband it the one not obeying the Word. Then I believe 1 Peter 3:1 would apply. The verse says she is not to say a word.

Often it is a wife’s words that get her into trouble. She sees something she thinks isn’t right. She expresses her concern, unhappiness, or dissatisfaction. Nothing changes. She brings it up again, in another way. Nothing changes. Over the course of the years, this becomes a continual pattern for her. She has tried repeatedly with her words to win her husband to her way of thinking. Rather than being successful, she has grown the wedge between them. Perhaps the reason she hasn’t been successful has to do with the teaching in these verses.

While I believe strongly in the truth 1 Peter 3:1 teaches for a wife in how to handle a disagreement with her husband, I am not saying it is easy. I have been trying to learn to be obedient to this verse for over thirty years (in the Loving Your Husband session, I share practical examples). There has certainly been improvement in my life, but I have further to go. However, it is my heart’s desire to keep praying and asking the Lord for His grace in this area. I also ask Steve’s forgiveness when I fail, and I try to choose the path of obedience when a conflict rages in my heart over wanting to say something versus being quiet.

The second possibility is that the husband is right, and the wife is wrong. In this case it is obviously best that the wife is quiet and doesn’t persuade her husband to her position. Therefore, it appears to me that whether a wife is right or wrong, her best direction when there is disagreement between her husband and her is to be quiet.

The word “conversation” in verses one and two does not refer to spoken words between people. It is the same Greek word (anastrepho) in both verse one and two. According to Strong’s Greek and Hebrew dictionary, it means “behavior.” A husband is not won by the words of his wife but rather by her behavior.

There is much more I want to share in relation to this passage of Scripture and our roles as Christian wives. I am going to make this into a Mom’s Corner series. For now, I want to challenge you to consider how these verses relate to you personally, particularly the section about winning a husband without words.

The Gift of Contentment

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I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the gift of being a contented mother and wife. Contentment can be an area we struggle with as Christian women. This is evident in the e-mails I receive from moms, and I recognize it in my life. While we should be the most contented women on the face of the earth, we may live our lives dissatisfied and striving for something different. Here is a request that was recently sent in as a Mom’s Corner topic. First the mom shared a specific situation with me, which isn’t included here, and then she moved on to her question.

Is my dissatisfaction evidence of God leading us to further changes or just my own flesh lacking contentment? I also don’t want to throw my family into upheaval when it’s just me struggling with the transition of homeschooling. It is my personal tendency to look for greener grass on the other side of the fence. When is it appropriate to press God for change, and when is it best to put your head down and press faithfully on with what you’ve already been given?

My husband and I continue to discuss it at length. We are not at odds. I am not nagging him. We just continue to discuss topics as they come up, remaining open to the other’s heart on this subject.

A Questioning Mom

Scripture has some specific verses for us when we begin to think about contentment. Let’s start with them as a basis for our discussion.

“Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” (Philippians 4:11-13).

“But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content” (1 Timothy 6:6-8).

“Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Hebrews 13:5).

When I am asking myself the questions this mom is asking—is my dissatisfaction an indication of God’s leading or my own flesh lacking contentment?—I usually become aware that the answers involve my selfish heart. I am not choosing obedience to what the Lord Jesus has told me in these verses that have to do with contentment. Being dissatisfied is a symptom of that disobedience. If I am not being obedient, would He use my disobedience as a vehicle to prompt change? I don’t believe He will. Instead, I am to learn to be content, to rest in the Lord Jesus and where He has me at the moment. Then if there is to be change, He will orchestrate it.

My first goal is to repent of the lack of contentment. Paul said in Philippians 4:11 that he learned contentment. It wasn’t a state of mind that came naturally for him. It was a process that involved times of both hardship and bounty. Contentment with plenty was obviously not as difficult as contentment with hunger or need, but he said he had to learn it in both states. With God’s strength Paul chose to take his thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and be content. That is exactly what I need to do as well.

My experience has been that God brings change as a result of my contentment, not my discontentment. For example, for the past two years we have had no place to practice our family music except our living room. This means we always have instruments out in the living room. For a month or so before a trip, we also have our sound equipment out for practice sessions. The open area of our living room becomes filled with microphone stands and cables snaking everywhere. While I don’t prefer the instruments and sound equipment to be out, I have been content with it. Last year, it became evident that our Titus2 ministry had outgrown our present home. We are now building another house that will accommodate the book storage needs, and it will also allow us an upstairs room where we can practice our music.

Discontentment seems to breed murmuring and complaining—a negative attitude toward the problem or situation. However, Scripture tells us to “Do all things without murmurings and disputings” (Philippians 2:14). Whatever we are discontent about becomes our focus and the topic of our regular complaints. Therefore, it also easily leads us to being a contentious woman—certainly a bad example for our children: “A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike” (Proverbs 27:15).

Sometimes there is a problem or need in our school or with the children. As I pray about it and take it to Steve, it isn’t discontentment on my part that brings the solution. Rather, it is my accepting the situation and waiting on the Lord for His direction if there is to be a change of any kind. If I am not content and willing to wait on the Lord and my husband, then I become that contentious woman—nagging—a continual dripping to him.

I want my children to be content. Not only do I want them to be content, but I want them to be grateful as well. That begins in my heart and with my attitude. I can’t expect from them what I don’t have victory over in my own life. They will be aware of my discontent because they will hear my murmuring words and sense my negative heart.

Contentment is not complacency. If my house is a mess, I am not to be complacent by choosing not to clean it while saying I am content with the state of my house. However, if I am sick and can’t clean the house as I normally would, then I need to be content to wait on the work until I am well.

I would encourage the mom who wrote to me to work on learning to be content in the area in which she is dissatisfied. Then as she rests in the Lord, she will observe what He will do with the situation. Perhaps He will leave it as it is. Perhaps He will change it the way she is wanting it to be. “Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass” (Psalms 37:4-5). Perhaps it will take a turn she couldn’t even envision at this point. It all starts with a focus on the questions: What is my delight? Is it in me and what I want, or is it in my Lord Jesus? May I encourage each of us to be known as women of contentment.

The Error Of Ingratitude

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Because I am the kind of person who has a propensity to think negatively, the Lord has had to teach me—and is still teaching me—to be thankful. He has used my precious husband, the one who knows me better than anyone else, to help me see the error of my ingratitude and encourage me toward a thankful heart.

Recently Melanie, our daughter-in-law, was talking to a young mommy who had several little children. The mommy shared with Melanie that she was discouraged, unhappy, and struggling with her children’s behavior. As the mommy was discussing her problems, Melanie, without first-hand experience as a mother of many young children, didn’t feel qualified to encourage her. She could sympathize in one area, though. The mommy told Melanie she had just experienced a miscarriage over the weekend. In March Melanie lost her first baby, who lived only three days.

Later we found out that Melanie’s conversation with the mommy was the vehicle the Lord used to encourage her heart and change her focus. She said when Melanie told the story of her baby’s birth and death, she realized that she had four healthy children for whom to be thankful. Then she said to herself, “What do you have to be discouraged and unhappy about?” With that, she went to work, with a grateful heart to the Lord, addressing the problems she was having with her children.

“Do all things without murmurings and disputings” is what Philippians 2:14 tells us. Often when I am ungrateful, I am murmuring about something. Then I am being disobedient on two sides—murmuring and not being thankful. “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). I am amazed at how we moms will become discouraged by our children’s lack of obedience, and yet not recognize in ourselves our bent toward disobedience to the Lord Jesus. If we don’t obey the Lord in something as simple as being thankful, how can we expect obedience from our children?

When I go to bed at night exhausted from the day’s work, I can think two types of thoughts. If I am focusing on my workload, being tired, children’s training issues, and how unhappy all that makes me feel, then I am murmuring and being ungrateful. However, if I fall asleep thanking the Lord Jesus for my warm bed, the children He has given me, the husband who provides for us, and the home we live in, then I am choosing the path of obedience.

I can tell you from personal experience that those negative thoughts lead to unhappiness and depression. They do not accomplish anything positive but rather keep me in a state of turmoil and unrest. Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” If a child has been having a bad attitude, I am to pray about it with a thankful heart for that child and for the opportunities the Lord Jesus gives me every day to help him learn godly responses. The result of being thankful? A peaceful heart!

Our neighbor has a little dog named Pepper who is the embodiment of gratitude. She is grateful for any kind word or friendly pat a passerby has to offer and lets the person know by furiously wagging her tail as she races up and down the fence. Because of the way Pepper visibly expresses her gratitude, those who walk by Pepper’s yard often stop to visit with her. That is the kind of thankful heart I want to have—one that is so obvious that it makes my family want to be around me.

I recently glanced through the Samaritan’s Purse’s Christmas catalog detailing the areas of giving that are available and needed in impoverished third-world nations. How ungrateful I am if I complain about anything in my life when I am blessed with plenty of food, a safe house, clothing, medical care, and freedom to worship. I expect women in those countries would be aghast if they knew what we murmured about and were ungrateful for.

When I serve my children a meal, I want them to be thankful for what they have to eat, even if it isn’t their favorite. However, I am their example. Have I been grateful in the daily situations in which they observe me? Am I quick to express unhappiness or thankfulness? I can’t expect a higher level of gratitude from them than I have myself.

I desire to have thankfulness flow from my heart as my first response. I don’t want for Steve to have to remind me that I am not thankful, although I certainly need him to when I have failed. I believe the starting point is choosing to have my mind dwelling on that for which I am grateful. I also need to recognize and confess my murmuring and ingratitude as sin rather than excusing or justifying it. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

I want to challenge you to observe yourself—thoughts and words. Are you a grateful wife? Do you think thankful thoughts about your husband, and then do you express them to him? Even if your husband isn’t saved, there will be things for which you can be grateful. Are you a grateful mom? Do you think thankful thoughts about your children, and then do you express those thoughts to them? Finally, are you a grateful Christian? Do you think thankful thoughts about your Savior, and then do you express them to Him? How much a smile and thankful words do not only for my heart but also for those around me. May we be women who choose to be grateful.