Category Archives: Series

A Critical Spirit – Part 5

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Have you been evaluating your words lately to determine if they are critical or edifying? Here is the link to the previous four articles in this series on a critical spirit.

As we look at a critical spirit toward others, let us use this verse as the basis. “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers” (Ephesians 4:29).

I remember a time a while ago in our family when the Lord was convicting us about having critical spirits toward each other and toward those outside our family. We had observed how much that critical spirit had infiltrated our daily conversations, hurt our family relationships, and colored our views of others. We challenged ourselves not to speak critical words but edifying ones.

The path away from a critical spirit began in our hearts. “And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5). It was clear that we needed to cast the beam of criticism out of our own eyes because our criticism seldom, if ever, was said in order to help another with a mote that was in their eye. For those inside our family that we were criticizing, we were usually just venting the displeasure of a discontent, judgmental heart. With those outside the family, we found that we wouldn’t have said to them what we were saying to each other, so it was obvious we weren’t trying to help them.

These verses help us see the damage that a critical spirit will cause. “But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another” (Galatians 5:15). “If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain” (James 1:26).

Here is a verse that directed us in evaluating what was being said to determine whether it was edifying. “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” (Philippians 4:8). This verse also affirmed that the critical spirit started in the heart with what we were thinking. If we think about what Philippians 4:8 tells us to think about, it is more likely that those will be the words that come from our mouths—edifying words. “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh” (Luke 6:45).

If you work your way through the process of moving from critical words to edifying ones, with what will you replace the critical thoughts that drive the critical words? Here are three keys that I could give you: praise, gratitude, and contentment.

Rather than thinking negative thoughts about others, praise the Lord. “I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth” (Psalm 34:1). Instead of letting yourself dwell on what you don’t like about another, be grateful for them. “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). “I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, Always in every prayer of mine for you all making request with joy” (Philippians 1:3-4). If there are legitimate concerns regarding the other person, turn your heart to praying for them rather than criticizing. Finally, learn to be content as Paul learned to be content, “. . . for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content” (Philippians 4:11).

Here are a couple of verses that you could hold up against the words that you are speaking. “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver” (Proverbs 25:11). “The tongue of the just is as choice silver: the heart of the wicked is little worth” (Proverbs 10:20). Does what you are saying sound and feel like apples of gold in pictures of silver or like choice silver? Would the person hearing them agree?

The critical spirit had become such a habit in our family that at first we found it difficult to be able to talk at all. It seemed like so much of what came to our minds were critical thoughts, and then those were translated to critical words. In the process of wanting to reverse this situation, we worked at not speaking critical words and reminding those who did that it was what we had heard. We often found ourselves not saying something or starting to say it, catching ourselves, and not finishing it. That accountability within our family was a good foundation for all of us working away from critical spirits. We realized that if we wouldn’t say it to the person we were talking about, it was most likely critical and shouldn’t be said at all.

We sometimes justified critical things we really wanted to say like this, “I know this might sound critical, but it isn’t meant to be that way.” However, with those words, it was evident that there was a critical spirit at the root. Excuses and justifications did not change critical words into edifying ones.

I know there has been quite a bit of Scripture in this Mom’s Corner, but the Word is so full of wonderful verses to help us away from a critical spirit, which leads to critical words, that I wanted to share them with you. Let me include just a couple more. “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4). “Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24).

Have you allowed a critical spirit to creep into your heart? Are there critical words coming from your mouth? Would you like to see that changed? May I encourage you to determine right now that you won’t allow critical words from your mouth and that you will allow the Lord to replace the critical thoughts with praise, gratitude, and contentment?

A Critical Spirit – Part 4

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We are in the midst of evaluating how we as Christian moms can put aside criticism in our lives. The first three articles in this series can be found here.

Last month we used this verse as a theme for being a mom who isn’t critical with her children but rather is bringing them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness” (Proverbs 31:26).

Our heart attitudes affect whether our words are critical (tearing down) or admonishing (building up). When a mom sees problems in her children’s lives and she is frustrated, irritated, or impatient with her child, then her words are more likely to be critical. However, if the mom’s thoughts are filled with love toward her children, a desire to see them grow spiritually, and the joy in being able to disciple her children, then her words are going to be gentle words of admonishment filled with wisdom and kindness. What is filling your mind?

If we allow words to spout from our mouths in an instant reaction to a child’s misbehavior, it is more possible those words will be critical ones. “Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? there is more hope of a fool than of him” (Proverbs 29:20). As we work away from criticism and toward admonishment, timing plays a key role. “The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things” (Proverbs 15:28). I believe this verse helps us to see the importance of choosing not to react immediately to a situation, but to allow ourselves time to pray, taking any selfish, bitter, or angry thoughts captive and bringing them into the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). This also gives us time to repent of wrong attitudes if necessary and to beseech the Lord for His wisdom in responding. In general, I am not talking about hours of time but rather a minute or two.

Especially with older children, however, there may be instances when it is better not to respond at all at the moment of the problem, when criticism could come out, but rather to address it later with the child. “A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!” (Proverbs 15:23). Sometimes the good word spoken in due season will be right away, but at other times it might be during a quiet moment with a child several hours or even days after the situation. Without the emotion surrounding the problem, the child’s heart might be more teachable than it would have been earlier, and you as well might be more prepared emotionally and spiritually for the conversation.

Remember the phrase from Proverbs 31:26, “and in her tongue is the law of kindness”? If we aren’t to be critical, then we must use the law of kindness.

Pleasant and sweet words are going to promote the change in behavior that we desire in our children, not critical ones. There is something about harsh and angry words, which seem to lend themselves to criticism, that shut a child’s spirit down. It closes itself to being teachable.

Here are a few other verses to encourage you in the importance of the words that you are using when you admonish a child. “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver” (Proverbs 25:11). “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4). “The tongue of the just is as choice silver: the heart of the wicked is little worth” (Proverbs 10:20).

How much better it would be to pray with your child than to criticize him. As you pray with him and for him, it will help to quiet your heart and his as well. I believe you will find yourself less prone to speaking critical words. Here is what that kind of prayer might sound like: “Lord Jesus, You have told us how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell together in unity. We know love is patient and kind. Would You help these boys to do just that? I know they want to be obedient to You and to me.”

Our children will have positive outcomes in their lives if we deal with our criticism, but they will have negative ones if we don’t. Look at the contrast presented in this verse: “There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health” (Proverbs 12:18). Critical words are ones that pierce the heart, while the kind, encouraging words bring healing to the heart. “Heaviness in the heart of man maketh it stoop: but a good word maketh it glad” (Proverbs 12:25). Criticism produces a heavy heart but those words spoken with the law of kindness will make it glad. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof” (Proverbs 18:21). By our choice of words we will generate life or death in our children’s spirits. Let me also suggest some positive outcomes that you can experience as you gain victory over critical words. “A man shall be satisfied with good by the fruit of his mouth: and the recompence of a man’s hands shall be rendered unto him” (Proverbs 12:14). “A man shall eat good by the fruit of his mouth: but the soul of the transgressors shall eat violence” (Proverbs 13:2). “A man’s belly shall be satisfied with the fruit of his mouth; and with the increase of his lips shall he be filled” (Proverbs 18:20). All three of these verses give a similar message. They let us know that there is satisfaction that comes as a result of our positive words. There is a great amount of joy and satisfaction that we gain when the words we speak to a child are sweet, entreating, and gentle.

“It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house” (Proverbs 25:24). I don’t want to be a brawling woman who lets criticism rule my interactions with my children. Instead I desire to speak with wisdom and have the law of kindness on my tongue. Next month we will move to evaluating criticism in other relationships.

Bitter or Sweet? – Part 6

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I anticipate this to be the final Corner in this series on the subject of improving one’s marriage, whether it is currently bitter or sweet. If you haven’t read the previous Corners in the series, I would encourage you to do that now. Marriage is precious, instituted by God, and a type of Christ and the Church. A good marriage is a beautiful testimony of God’s grace and love. May each of us evaluate what our marriage proclaims to the world about our God. Does our marriage bring God glory or shame?

We have discussed what agape love is in marriage and practical ways to live out the love that Scripture commands a husband to have for his wife. However, the emotional component of love is icing on the cake. It is like the sweet cream on the top of my favorite brand of yogurt. How we can make our emotional love stronger is the topic of this Corner. The question is: Do I desire a greater love for my wife, and if I do, what level of effort am I willing to expend?

I have a concern about writing on emotional love. Emotional love is the less noble love when compared to agape love. Agape love is love based on choice and commitment. Agape love is God’s love for us that sent Jesus to the cross. It is a sacrificial love that affects our actions toward another. Agape love, for the most part, is separate from emotions. It is a choice. However, phileo love is an emotional, pleasurable love. The Bible primarily speaks of agape love, and therefore, we must focus our attention on agape love and minor on phileo.

How do I build phileo love upon my agape love? I have to say that I don’t believe there is any simple one, two, three step approach that guarantees phileo love for someone. I do think there are concepts we can learn from Scripture that give us important general direction. “And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might” (Deuteronomy 6:5). The word for our love for the Lord is defined in Strong’s Hebrew Concordance as to “have an affection based on a close relationship.” We are to have a strong emotional love for the Lord God!

The following verses are key for us to affectionately love God. “And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes. And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates” (Deuteronomy 6:6-9). We teach our children to emotionally love God by positively talking about Him with them through out the day and by using His Word frequently during those conversations.

When our family is in the Word in the morning during our personal Bible devotions and then in the evening during family Bible time, we see how glorious the Lord is. We see how gracious He is and how merciful He is. We see how great His love is for us all day, every day! As we reflect on these things, we are filled with a sense of emotional pleasure due to the awesomeness of our God! Focusing on the positive aspects of God that relate to us builds our emotional love of God.

David, a man after God’s own heart is a superb example of someone with strong emotional love for the Lord. Many of the Psalms that David wrote are his personal love letters for his God. “Listen” to just a few passages from the first twelve Psalms.

“But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; My glory, and the lifter up of mine head” (Psalm 3:3).

“I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: For thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8).

“O LORD our Lord, How excellent is thy name in all the earth! Who hast set thy glory above the heavens” (Psalm 8:1).

“The LORD trieth the righteous: But the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth” (Psalm 11:5).

“The words of the LORD are pure words: As silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times” (Psalm 12:6).

In my desire to love Teri more, what can I learn from David’s love for his God? David focused on the qualities of God that were applicable to his relationship with God. For my emotional love to grow toward Teri, I need to focus on her positive qualities that are applicable to our marriage and relationship. I thank the Lord for her heart to love and please the Lord Jesus. I praise God for Teri’s desire to be a good wife and mother. I thank God for her kindness and thoughtfulness. I delight in her love for me and desire to please me. I am eternally grateful for her carrying each child for nine months and giving birth to him. I am so grateful for all the years she has selflessly invested in the children’s education. She is a teammate in our marriage, and we work well together. She is an outstanding home organizer. She manages her time exceptionally well and is a wonderful example of being diligent. She is constantly seeking to grow in knowledge and grace in the Lord Jesus Christ. She is so faithful to her Lord and to me.

When I focus on Teri’s qualities, I’m grateful to the Lord for giving me her, and my emotional love for her grows. Last night I stopped by an auto parts store to pick up a couple of items. Having accomplished my goal, I was about to get into my vehicle when I noticed a good-looking car parked next to me. There was a man about my age waiting for someone in the store. Since I was struck by how nice the car looked, I commented on it to him. You should have seen him “come alive.” He became happy and animated. He just couldn’t stay seated. With an ear-to-ear grin, he jumped out of the car and excitedly started talking about his car. That man LOVED his car, and with each glowing word of praise for it, I observed his emotional delight ratchet-up a notch higher as if winding a spring tighter and tighter. We talked about his car for a while, and then it was time to go.

I know some men have been accused of loving their cars more than their wives. Hopefully if I had asked him about his wife, he would have been even more animated and excited to tell me about her. My brief encounter with that gentleman highlighted to me that when we major on what is good, there is a positive, emotional response to follow. “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” (Philippians 4:8). However, if I allow myself to entertain critical or negative thoughts, I kill emotional love.

May we decide whether we want to grow our emotional love for our wives or diminish it. Our marriages are all the sweeter the more emotional love we have for our wives. Why not do all we can to enhance our marriages?

A Critical Spirit – Part 3

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A critical spirit is not one that a Christian mom wants to characterize her heart or her words. That groundwork was laid in the first article of this series. Last month we started evaluating, in a practical sense, how to be a mother who brings her children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord without criticizing them. Here is a link to that article.

As we move into the spiritual issues behind criticism, let’s begin by listening to our hearts, our emotions, our motives, and our words when we have that critical spirit toward our children. We want to discover what is at the root of the criticism. I can give you a few thoughts, and you will likely have some of your own.

It seems to me that the criticism often stems from a selfish focus. The thing I am criticizing in my child causes an imposition on my time, my emotions, or my energy. It may also reflect back to me my own failings or character deficiencies and therefore be even more undesirable to me in my child.

Let’s reflect on the examples from last month starting with the child who doesn’t do his chore. In the child’s failure to take out the trash, I remember my wrong thoughts when I was faced with that situation in the past. First I was frustrated because as I went to put something into the trash, it was overflowing. That in itself was an inconvenience. Then, I needed to find the child who should have taken out the trash. Usually I had plenty of other things to do, so my time was impacted. Not only did I have to get the child to do his job, but I also had to determine or deliver a consequence for not accomplishing work that was assigned to him. This impacted my emotional energy. If I had invested effort into helping my child with this problem in the past, there might be bitterness in my heart toward that child because of lack of progress.

What about the example of two children quarreling over a toy? Again we can see it takes Mom’s time to deal with the situation. It also impacts her emotions, and bitterness could be there as well, rooted in the consistency of sibling squabbles as the problems continue.

Perhaps the critical words come during times when Mom is feeling stressed, or she is tired from being up with a nursing baby or sick children. These evaluations and the information gathered from them are important in order to effect change.

I believe the key to becoming an encouraging, admonishing mom from a critical one is found in this verse: “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness” (Proverbs 31:26). Wisdom and kindness—they are certainly in our hearts and, for most of us, would characterize our desire for our interactions with our children, even when correcting them. How do we move toward the goal?

Wisdom will help us with wrong heart attitudes. In addition, it will allow us to direct our children in positive ways. That wisdom grows from our relationship with the One Who is wisdom personified, Jesus Christ. We must have His grace, His mercy, and His strength. That means lifting our hearts in prayer and also spending time with Him in His Word each day so that He can transform those areas of our lives that aren’t pleasing to Him and prepare us for our interactions with our children.

If you have discerned that selfishness is at the root of your critical words, then as you are reading Scripture, you will discover verses that have to do with self-denial and servanthood, such as the following:

“And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.” (Mark 10:44)

“And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)

When a situation comes up where the selfishness wants to manifest itself, you will immediately begin to pray, asking the Lord for His strength and help. Then you can do as 2 Corinthians 10:5 says and take your thoughts captive: “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”

The process might sound like this. “Lord Jesus, You know I don’t want to give up what I had planned to do with this time to work with my children and help them learn to be kind to each other. However, I love those children more than anything, and I desire that they would become loving to each other. Thank You for calling me first to serve You and then to serve them. While to me it feels like self-denial to set aside what I had planned to do right now, taking time to instruct and correct them is really no self-denial at all. Would You give me Your patient, wise, and kind spirit as I now work with them?”

While this may seem simplistic, I encourage you to make yourself take time to pray like this. It allows you to move away from your selfish thoughts and attitudes, to appropriate God’s power, and to put right thoughts into your mind.

“The lips of the wise disperse knowledge: but the heart of the foolish doeth not so” (Proverbs 15:7). “The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness” (Proverbs 15:2). When you have cultivated that relationship with Jesus Christ and have been learning from Him, wise words will first come to your heart and then from your mouth. However, without His wisdom, you will likely be left feeling like the fool from these verses because of the critical words characterizing your interactions with your children.

I encourage you to memorize Scripture if you are struggling with a critical attitude toward your children. Having memorized Scripture will also allow you to quickly give your children a biblical reason to eliminate negative behavior and to encourage positive behavior. Here are links to a series of Mom’s Corners about memorizing Scripture.

Perhaps you will tell me that it is too difficult to memorize Scripture or that you don’t know what verse to use at the particular moment. Consider this: “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him” (James 1:5). If you struggle with those problems, the Lord has a solution. Ask Him for wisdom. He can help you memorize, and He can bring to mind the appropriate verses.

“Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands” (Proverbs 14:1). I want to be a wise woman whom the Lord can use to build my house. Do you? If so, I encourage you to decide today to spend time in the Word every day—time that will help you grow away from a critical spirit and allow you to disperse wise words to your children. Repent of a critical spirit and critical words, and ask the Lord for His strength and wisdom to help you in your weakness. We have gotten started in our quest to discover how we can raise our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord without being critical of them. Next month we will dig deeper.

Bitter or Sweet? – Part 5

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Our area is in the midst of a severe drought. There are several wooded hillsides in the area, and as you look at them, you can see trees that are slowly dying. Even in the neighborhoods where Teri and I walk every day, we are observing trees that first turn brown, then lose their leaves, and appear to be dying. What is sad is that the trees in people’s yards don’t have to die. If only the homeowner would turn on a hose under the tree and let it run, he could save the tree with that small amount of preventative effort. How much greater value is a marriage and therefore worthy of effort to sweeten it, making it a testimony of God’s grace?

No matter what the condition of our marriages, how committed are we to improving them? We can become lazy or complacent, not treasuring the precious gift a wife is from the Lord. If you haven’t read the previous four parts of the series, I would encourage you to do that now. This month we look specifically at the topic of ways we are able to make it easier for our wives to respect us. As we discussed last month, a wife is called to follow her husband. The husband is never to demand or command that she follow, but instead her following is an offering to the Lord. However we can make it harder or easier for her to follow us. In a similar way, the wife is to respect or reverence her husband. “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). Certainly, one small way I can love my wife is to make it easier for her to respect me. So the obvious question is: husbands, how respectable are you?

Have you ever heard about a scandal involving a person in a religious organization or a government position? It becomes the “talk of the town” because all are shocked that someone in such a position would do something like that. I remember when a police officer shared with me how he had arrested a judge for drunk driving. Here was a judge, who would routinely sentence someone convicted of drunk driving, committing the same crime. Those who respected the man and his position would then struggle to show the judge respect. When people in authority make bad decisions, those under them will have difficulty respecting in the future. Dads, are we making it easy for our wives to respect us?

Being able to follow a leader is all about the decisions that leader makes while respecting him with who he is in terms of character and virtue. I want to list a number of character qualities along with a brief description of how each one makes it easier for a wife to respect her husband. There are additional qualities that were defined in the previous Corner on agape love, so I won’t include them here.

Attentive: When my wife is speaking to me do I give her complete or partial attention? Even though I might be able to listen to her and skim an e-mail at the same time, if I give her my complete attention, I demonstrate in a tangible way that she is first in my life next to my Lord Jesus.

Available: I make it easier for my wife to respect me when I’m available to her whether it be to listen to her concerns, help her with something, or simply to be together. If other things take priority over her or the needs of the family, it makes it difficult for her to respect me.

Content: Am I at peace with what the Lord has provided, or am I covetous of something “better”? Often we hear stories of dads who borrow money from the bank to purchase things they really don’t need. Then the family is under huge financial stress, making it very difficult for Mom to respect Dad.

Dependable: When my alarm clock doesn’t alarm, it causes no little disappointment. When Dad has made a commitment, such as the family will have Bible time every night and then that doesn’t happen, Mom can be discouraged. She will likely struggle to respect him as well.

Diligent: For a stay-at-home mom, her children and home are her life. It starts when she gets up and ends when she goes to bed. When Dad is hardworking to fulfill his responsibilities, Mom is encouraged to be diligent with hers as well. In addition, when Dad will come alongside Mom in the evenings to pitch in with work that still needs to be accomplished, she sees that he isn’t lazy or self-focused. That makes it easier for her to respect him.

Enthusiastic: Job said, “Yet man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward” (Job 5:7). We can expect difficulties in this life. However, if we have a cheerful attitude toward them, taking whatever comes with the strength the Lord Jesus gives us, we are easier to respect.

Faithful: A dad who is faithful to his Lord and his family is easier to respect.

Flexible: One thing we can be sure about life is that something is always going to change. When Dad is willing to adjust his schedule, even when calling for self-sacrifice, to meet an unexpected need in the family, it is easier for Mom to respect him.

Generous: “Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:7). Whether it be giving of our money or time, it is easier for Mom to respect Dad when Dad is following the Lord’s direction and leading his family in these areas.

Gentle: When Mom observes Dad being gentle with the children or herself, it is easier for her to respect him. However, if Dad is harsh or angry with the children or with her, it crushes her heart and makes it ever so difficult to respect him.

Honest: When Dad’s word is as sure as granite, it is easier for Mom to respect him.

Humble: When Mom can share with Dad her concerns and hurts knowing that Dad will not react but be sympathetic and loving, it makes it easier for her to respect Dad.

Just: Dad is the “Supreme Court” of the home because the children will bring Dad concerns over the fairness of Mom’s decisions at times. How well Dad can rightly (according to God’s Word) support Mom when settling authority challenges will make it easier for Mom to respect him.

Loyal: There will always be someone prettier, more charming, or more compatible than Mom. The more loyal Dad is to Mom, the easier it is for her to respect him.

Obedient: A dad who openly delights to obey his Lord Jesus, makes it much easier for Mom to respect and follow Dad.

Patient: When Dad patiently waits for Mom or listens attentively when she needs to share her heart, it makes it easier for her to respect him.

Punctual: A dad who understands that punctuality is a matter of honor and respect for those to whom the time commitment was made makes it easier for Mom to respect him.

Responsible: When Dad understands and follows through with his obligations, whether he committed to them or they are perceived by others, it is easier for Mom to respect him.

Temperate/self-control: A dad who uses his authority for his own indulgences will have little respect from those in the home. “But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway” (1 Corinthians 9:27). In a day when self-control means stopping after eating twelve donuts, it is easier for Mom to respect Dad when he is a man of true self-control.

Yes, a wife is instructed to respect her husband and the husband is commanded to love his wife, yet both can make it easier for the other by right words, actions, and attitudes. May we be men of our God, the Lord Jesus Christ, and we will be easy for our wives to respect.

A Critical Spirit – Part 2

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Last month we were discussing a critical spirit. We started with evaluating the results of having a critical spirit and speaking critical words. If you haven’t read that article, it can be found here.

Several of the responses to the July Mom’s Corner generated a desire in my heart to take the order of the information in this series differently than I had originally planned so that it practically addresses the issues with which you are dealing. The main question that came in concerning being critical was along these lines: “How can a mother raise her children for the Lord Jesus Christ without constantly criticizing them?”

Here are a couple of those e-mails:

“I loved this month’s Mom’s Corner.

I’ve never considered myself to be habitually critical, but I find myself lately being more and more so! Where did this come from? I am eagerly waiting for next month’s Corner to learn how to gain victory over it. I am especially interested in your thoughts on it regarding the mother’s role in correcting children . . . especially recurring issues that tend to lead to nagging.” Sandy

“I just recently read your July Mom’s Corner. Thank you for choosing such a great topic for me as I seem to struggle much in this area. It seems that every night I go to bed and ask the Lord’s forgiveness for nagging and discouraging my children. I also beg for a new day with a new approach tomorrow. And so the cycle continues with not much difference, unfortunately. I have posted verses in my kitchen window and like I said prayed often. How discouraged I am. But I also can’t seem to figure out what to say to encourage children who are NOT trying very hard and are NOT doing all to the glory of God. It feels very false to find something to encourage in those moments. Any thoughts on this? What do you say when the effort is just not put forth and their attitudes are poor? Thank you for your time.” Carrie

As Christian mothers we desire to raise our children as Ephesians 6:4 tells us, “ . . . bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” In this process, we know that it will be necessary to correct our children, point out what they have done wrong and what they have neglected to do. Certainly as we do this, our children are the last ones we would ever want to discourage through criticism because we love them so very much. Instead we have the goal to encourage and spur them on as they grow not only in stature but also in wisdom. Yet like Carrie, when we teach, correct, and perhaps discipline for the same offenses over and over, we can find ourselves in a vicious cycle of frustration, criticism, repentance, prayer, hope, and then failure again.

“Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands” (Proverbs 14:1). Perhaps as we consider overcoming a critical spirit toward our children, we could think of this verse as reminding us that we will either build up or pluck down our families with our words.

What would be the difference between criticism and the admonishment we are biblically directed to give our children? Do you remember the definition of criticism? According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary it is, “to find fault with; point out the fault of,” but the definition of admonishment is, “to give friendly earnest advice or encouragement to.” Criticism negatively states the fault while admonishment positively moves the child away from the problem and toward the solution. There is a huge difference in these two not only in the words that are used but also in the attitude behind the communication.

Observe the difference between a critical mom and an admonishing mom. Here are the type of words that can come from the frustrated mother. “How many times have I told you to take out the trash? You never listen to what I say. How will you ever grow up to be a responsible man if you can’t even take out the trash? You’d better get this trash out now!” Can you see the tearing down effect of these words on the child’s heart? Do you almost get a feeling of vengeance?

There is a definite tone of voice with this conversation that communicates to the child the level of his mother’s unhappiness. These words are personal attacks on the child, leaving him without direction or hope, just a feeling of failure. She also undermines her goal of helping her child be responsible because she doesn’t assign him a consequence.

Let’s hear from the admonishing mom. “Son, you have the responsibility to take out the trash. Since you haven’t done it, you need to stop what you are doing, and do it now. I am also giving you lunch cleanup alone as a consequence for not doing your chore. It is important that you grow up to be a responsible man. That starts right now by learning to do the things that are assigned to you to do. Colossians 3:17 says, ‘And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.’ Do you know that would mean even when you take out the trash you are doing it for the Lord and in His Name? It is to be your best for Him. I know you can do that.”

This mom maintains a gentleness to her words and interactions with her son even if this is the tenth time that week she has had this same conversation with her child. “Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24). That tone of voice encourages the child rather than discourages him.

Proverbs 16:21 tells us that “. . . the sweetness of the lips increaseth learning.” When we correct a child, our aim is that he would learn something from our words. Therefore, it is imperative that we choose not to allow those tones to creep into our words of correction but rather keep them gentle, pleasant, and sweet.

Next we can see that she gives her child a consequence. “Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul” (Proverbs 29:17). Mom isn’t critical, angry, or harsh with her child. She simply tells him his consequence and waits patiently for the rest and delight to her soul that is to come from her correction. That may be a work that is awhile in the process.

A tool that we recommend to help you with consequences is the If/Then Chart. The theory behind the If/Then Chart is to tie a specific Scripture to actual wrong behavior along with a consequence. On the chart are offenses children can be guilty of committing, a verse for why that behavior is unacceptable, and a consequence that the parent has chosen. Then when something happens, all Mom has to do is go to the If/Then Chart rather than having a critical attitude or critical words for her children. Consistent correction will help the child overcome the problems that are instigating the critical spirit in the mom.

While the admonishing mom definitely points out what her child didn’t do, she gives no judgment about the past or the future. She doesn’t sound disappointed in her child, but instead holds out the expectation that it will be better for him in the future.

How about another example. Two sisters are squabbling over a toy loudly enough that Critical Mom becomes involved saying, “Stop it, right now! Just stop it! You two are supposed to be best friends, but you act like worst enemies. I am sick and tired of listening to you fight with each other. You know better than to act like that. Won’t you ever learn to get along?” Those critical words might stop the quarreling temporarily, but they aren’t going to be the impetuous for lasting change.

Let’s move our attention once again to Admonishing Mom. “Girls, I am sorry that you aren’t nicely sharing the toys. You will need to sit on a dining room chair for five minutes. Then you can try again. Remember Ephesians 4:32 tell us, ‘And be ye kind one to another . . .’ If you don’t share with each other, you are not being kind. When the timer goes off, you may return to your room where I am sure you can both be nice to each other by sharing your toys.” Here we observe pleasant words, a consequence, Scripture to back up the positive behavior, and the hope that they will be successful next time.

Try having a biblical plan to help you overcome critical words. That plan would include sweetness of the lips, consistent consequences, and words of encouragement rather than despair. I even suggest that you practice in front of your bathroom mirror each day a couple of interactions with a child who needs to be corrected. I think that will help gentleness become the norm over criticism. Next month I would like to delve into the spiritual roots of criticism, but my prayer this month is that these practical suggestions will start not only Sandy and Carrie toward their goal of avoiding the trap of criticizing their children but also you as well.

Bitter or Sweet? – Part 4

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We are continuing with the topic of improving one’s marriage, whether it is currently bitter or sweet. If you haven’t read the previous three Corners, I would encourage you to do that now. Marriage is precious, instituted by God, a type of Christ and the Church, and not to be trifled with. As with anything of significant value, great care must be expended to protect and enhance it.

In Scripture, we discovered that husbands are commanded to love their wives with “agape” love. What is most amazing to me is that I haven’t found anywhere in Scripture where a wife is called to “agape” love her husband. I understand that we are commanded to love our enemies, and in some rocky marriages a wife may feel like an enemy. We are also to love our neighbors as ourselves, but I’m referring to a mention where the wife is specifically told to “agape” love her husband.

One thing a wife is instructed in Scripture is that she should submit to her husband. “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives” (1 Peter 3:1). Let’s be clear about submission in a marriage. It is a voluntary offering by a wife as unto the Lord. “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). It is not to be commanded or demanded by a husband.

We discussed previously how humanly impossible it is for a husband to love his wife with “agape” love at all times, but equally so would it be for a wife to submit to her husband all the time. Yet, God would not command it if He didn’t expect us to make that “the standard.”

“Since God has directed, and He will give grace to both parties, are there things that husbands can do to make it easier for their wives in those times when submission would be her appropriate response? Absolutely! First, let’s define the term “subjection” as found in 1 Peter 3:1 and “submit” in Colossians 3:18 and Ephesians 5:22. Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance defines that word in the Greek as a military term “to rank under.” In essence, it means to obey. It presents a beautiful picture of how a wife’s submission strengthens the marriage, just as a soldier’s willingness to obey his commander’s orders strengthens an army. In the same way that God placed the husband in the home as the leader and final decision maker, He has put the wife in the home to be the follower. It is not difficult to see why God called the wife to obey and respect (we will talk about that next month) the husband because those are necessary qualities of a follower. The husband is to love his wife since that should cause him to be a careful, gentle, and compassionate leader. Neither husband or wife is going to be one hundred percent successful in their God-given roles and will therefore at times disappoint the other. In spite of his bad choices, she is still to obey her husband in the Lord. He is to love his wife even though sometimes she might not follow him and other times remind him of his failures.

The most obvious way Dad can sweeten the marriage and make it easier for Mom to follow him is for Dad to be a man of God, a follower of  the Lord Jesus, and a wise decision maker. There was a two-part series of Dad’s Corners about making wise decisions and here are the links: Part 1 and Part 2. One aspect  the articles highlight is how our pride can cause us at times to make stupid decisions and then that pride also prevents us from acknowledging our error. That is certainly a recipe for making it difficult for a wife to cheerfully follow. On the other hand, humble leadership can be a soothing balm to her soul since his humble acknowledgement of failure eases any potential reaction she might have.

The more we are in the Word, the more we understand God’s will for our lives. There are many decisions we will immediately know the answer to if we are daily in the Word. One man years ago told me he was praying about whether to leave his wife. I told him that was unnecessary. If he was reading his Bible, he would see that God had already told him, “No! Don’t do it.”

We are to see everything in life through the “grid” of Scripture. Christian wives desire husbands that know the Word and lead their family accordingly. If she is to submit to her head, shouldn’t her husband cheerfully submit to his Head, the Lord Jesus Christ? My wife’s head can be seen, but my Head, the Lord Jesus, must be followed with eyes of faith and a close walk. My Head is infallible; her head makes mistakes. We are to follow our Lord and Shepherd. “And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice” (John 10:4). Are we doing all we can to listen to Him and hear His voice? If we do, it makes it much easier for her to follow, and it sweetens the marriage.

One way that makes it especially easy for a wife to follow is when she is prized as a helpmeet with valuable abilities and insights. A wise husband will recognize that God often works through his wife and gives her insights that he might not have. Most Christian women have a keen spiritual sensitivity, and God may give your wife cautions and insight at times that He doesn’t give you.

This weekend, God gave us an example of this. I had plans to attend a graduation event with three of the children. It would involve a four-hour drive, and we would be driving home very late Saturday night to avoid the cost of a motel room. Teri came to me and shared a concern about being on that particular road late at night with potential drunk drivers. She asked that we consider staying in a hotel and coming home on Sunday. Because of my respect for Teri, I opted for the motel room. The only way to prove it was of the Lord would be to drive home and see if something bad happened. However, I want to be someone with a sensitivity to the Lord and how He might direct: therefore, I accepted her counsel. Men, your wife is a God-given jewel of greater value than rubies. Be easy to follow, and you will have a sweeter marriage.

Let’s consider an example as to how difficult it can be for wives when their husbands are making bad decisions. I have heard many Christian dads exclaim their displeasure in governmental authorities’ decisions these days. Those decisions are serious with far-reaching consequences impacting the lives of unborn babies, family welfare, educational policies, national sovereignty, and national financial stability to name a few. Just as we dislike following governmental leaders who are making poor decisions for our country, consider how a wife feels about following a husband she believes to be making bad spiritual choices for their family.

We are going to be much easier to follow when our hearts are brought low in humility with the reality of how serious our decisions are. Similar to the difficulty in turning this nation around, poor decisions will affect the lives of our children and likely their children after them.

God has given a wife the job of being a helpmeet and follower. Do we appreciate how difficult her job is? She is called to follow her husband as unto the Lord even if he makes bad decisions. However, it makes for a happier wife and sweeter marriage if we will make it easier for her. Are we men of God following our Head, the Lord Jesus Christ?

A Critical Spirit – Part 1

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I remember years ago eating lunch out with my mom when we were shopping one day. We were having pizza, and I ordered a large soda with my meal. When the drinks were delivered, I was disappointed to discover that my cup wasn’t filled to the brim. Quite quickly I muttered, “They sure were stingy with my drink. Look how much more they could have put into this glass.”

My mom smiled and responded with, “Wow. I was just thinking what a huge glass of Pepsi that was.”

Have you ever known someone who seems to find something negative in almost every person or situation? Not only do they think those thoughts themselves, but they also share them with whomever is nearby. Do you enjoy being around that person? What about you? What kind of thoughts do you allow into your mind? Are they critical, or are they edifying?

In the soda cup example, I had the critical attitude, while my mom had the positive one. There were certainly two ways to look at that glass. One view would cause negative feelings, agitation, discontentment, and unhappiness. I was finding fault with the one who had prepared my drink and served it to me without that drink being as full as I thought it should have been. The other way of looking at the glass of soda would most likely lead to a peaceful heart, contentment, gratitude, and pleasure.

Do you know what the dictionary definition of criticism is? According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary it is, “to find fault with; point out the fault of.” With that definition, consider these verses: “But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be” (James 3:8-10). “To speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers, but gentle, shewing all meekness unto all men” (Titus 3:2).

One of the goals we have for our children is that they would learn to edify rather than criticize. We have even listed that goal in our family vision statement with these two verses: “Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another” (Romans 14:19). “Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). Teaching our children to edify rather than criticize would begin with my personal example.

A critical spirit can cause damage to relationships. Consider the mother who generally points out her children’s failures, while continually picking and nagging at those children. Does that draw the child’s heart to the mom? No, the outcome of criticism is likely to be a child who draws back from the mother, trying to protect his heart from the pain of more disappointment that is bound up with the negative words from the mom’s mouth. Critical words play a role in those kinds of attitudes.

What about the wife who speaks to her husband of each thing he does that she doesn’t like or doesn’t believe he does very well? Even if she is not yelling at him, what do those critical words do to their relationship? What does he come to expect in the relationship? Does that draw his heart to her? What if she were to only point out seventy-five or fifty percent of those aspects of his behavior that displease her? Would that make it better? “A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike” (Proverbs 27:15 ). I wonder if it is possible that criticism could be part of what can make a wife contentious.

How do you feel about the friend who regularly tells you of others’ failures or spends her conversation with you complaining about her husband or children? When her focus is on these details of life, does it make you want to seek her out for fellowship? Does it cause your heart to feel burdened or joyful?

On Friday, Steve and I were enjoying a lunch date at our favorite, local Mexican restaurant. When we were finished eating, he reached across the table, took my hand, and told me how much he loved me and loved being with me. While those words brought much joy to my heart, the Lord also used them to bring conviction.

In that moment, I was instantly returned to the conversations between us while we ate, and I recalled a couple of things that I had said that could have been construed as critical comments. Having begun to work on this Mom’s Corner, criticism was quite fresh on my mind. I realized how much more pleasant it would be for Steve during our times of communication if I didn’t put any negative thoughts into his mind through critical words.

Remember that there is harm that comes from criticism: first to others but also to the one who thinks and then speaks the critical words. Criticism separates relationships as we observed in a mother/child relationship and in a husband/wife relationship. It will be true of other relationships as well. It causes those who are the recipients of the criticism to form a shell of protection from the critical words which then distances a relationship. If I am listening to a person who is prone to criticism, I soon find that their poison infiltrates my mind even if I try to resist it.

In my walk with the Lord, it has been my desire to move away from a critical spirit to one that edifies. I would like to look at the process of gaining victory over a critical spirit in next month’s Mom’s Corner. In the coming days, I encourage you to listen carefully to yourself. Are your words critical, or are your words edifying? Maybe you could benefit from evaluating criticism with me from a biblical viewpoint. If you have allowed a critical spirit to become a part of your life, then you might consider letting the Lord prune it away from you as we study this topic in more depth. I think this would be a worthy goal for each of us: “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness” (Proverbs 31:26).

Bitter or Sweet? – Part 3

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We are continuing with the topic of improving one’s marriage, whether it is currently bitter or sweet. If you haven’t read the previous two Corners, I would encourage you to do that now. Marriage is precious, not to be squandered or taken for granted. If we will invest in our marriages, the dividends will be rich and ongoing. Therefore, may we invest whatever is necessary to improve our marriages.

Think about when you were getting to know your wife and then during your engagement. Did you buy her gifts and write her notes telling of your love for her? Did you delight in being with her and spend large amounts of time talking to her? What other acts of love and kindness did you show her? Are you doing those same kinds of things now? If not, why not?

As we continue looking at 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, we see that love is known by the actions that are prompted. “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

Agape love is not passive but active. At the end of the last Dad’s Corner, we had studied 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 up through charity envieth not.

Love doesn’t vaunt itself, and it is not puffed up. We could restate these two points by saying that love is not proud. Pride is the utmost in self-love which would be the opposite of agape love. Perhaps that is why it is listed first in the “love killers.” There is no need to ask ourselves if we are proud, but rather we can simply assume that we are. Pride is such a “funny” thing. The more we resist the idea that we are proud, the more likely it is that we are proud. It would be far better to confess our pride before the Lord and seek His humbling grace. “But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble” (James 4:6).

Pride will be the root of contention in the home. It takes two proud people to quarrel. “Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom” (Proverbs 13:10). If even one will choose humility, there will not be a quarrel. Pride will justify unkind thoughts, words, and finally actions. The place we must begin to conquer pride is to hate it just like God hates it. “These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood” (Proverbs 6:16-17). Look for opportunities to humble yourself, and God will lift you up. “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time” (1 Peter 5:6). One simple way to humble yourself would be to admit when you are wrong. In that process, though, be careful not to justify yourself.

Love does seek his own way. Last year there was a “Dictator or Servant Leader?” series of Dad’s Corner articles Part 1, and Part 2 that would nicely cover this negative aspect of love. Suffice it to say, it isn’t Dad’s way or Mom’s way. It is to be the Lord’s way. Dad just happens to be the one responsible for making the final decision.

Love is not easily provoked. Face it. There are going to be times when your wife does not say the right thing to you or doesn’t respond well. When that happens, do you react? Are you offended? “Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them” (Psalms 119:165). Have you ever been around anyone who is touchy and easily reacts? At best, they make life most unpleasant. May we be “thick skinned” and choose not to let things “bug” or offend us.

Love thinketh no evil, therefore, it doesn’t keep a record of the wrongs committed. There will always be offenses in a marriage, and you can be sure it will not draw me closer to my wife if I keep score. The Lord Jesus set the example for us to follow when He took all of our offenses on Him and forgave us. “Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me” (Matthew 16:24). Forgetting offenses is just the beginning of denying ourselves. It’s a good place to start.

Love does not rejoice in iniquity but in truth. I wonder if a key application of not rejoicing in iniquity would be not to tease my wife. I’ve noticed that many, well okay, maybe most, wives do not appreciate their husband’s teasing. Teasing appears to be like a dagger in a wife’s heart. I believe what makes it so painful is that generally there is at least a seed of truth in the tease. From a wife’s point of view, that means her husband, the one she trusts and who is her defender, has now turned on her and is making fun of her. In essence, teasing one’s wife is not the way to show agape love. I’ve been married to Teri for thirty-seven years, and I’m hopeful (she is probably too) that I will someday learn not to tease. I’m sure I’m much better at avoiding teasing than when we were first married, but there is still significant room for improvement.

One way to rejoice in truth is for Dad to delight in leading his family in Bible time every night. Family Bible time isn’t a “have to” but it is a “joy to”! I love Teri (and my family) by my love for the Word of God.

Agape love beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. This last verse presents the never-ending strength and perpetual power of agape love. It is not weak and frail. Agape love never says “the end.” It never quits no matter how difficult things become.

We just received very sad news about a wife who has cancer. Several years ago, that family also had a crisis with one of their children which has required great care and investment by the parents in both time and finances. Now on top of that, they face the heavy blow of the wife’s illness. This couple has demonstrated the reality of agape love through the years. They have been a beautiful picture of bearing, believing, hoping, and enduring. How that testifies to the reality of Jesus Christ in their marriage. “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). They have glorified the Father through their love and devotion to each other. The Lord desires that depth of love in each of our marriages for our own personal edification and for a testimony to those around us.

Is your marriage bitter or sweet? Would you like it to improve? Agape love is a choice, and it is defined by the actions that it prompts. Make agape love decisions in your relationship with your wife and see what the results are. We will continue to look at this next month.

Unwanted Feelings – Part 5

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As we conclude this series of articles about dealing with unwanted feelings, I will again remind you of the e-mail that we used to introduce our topic.

I woke up hurting and aching about the adoption this morning, and the feeling never left. Seeking HIM and seeking the peace and clarity that only HE can give.

Could you please pray for me to find my comfort in Christ? And to trust HIM. If you have time, could you please send me a Scripture that brings you comfort in times of loss? I will meditate on it. Amy

If you haven’t been following these Mom’s Corners about negative feelings, I suggest you go back and read the first four articles so that you have the whole picture in your mind before you continue this one.

Choosing Right Thoughts

One mom wrote to share with me something that helps her with unwanted feelings. I wanted to use her exact words as I told you her suggestion, but when I went to retrieve them, I couldn’t find her letter. She explained that she had once heard a speaker say that if you memorize Psalm 103, you will never again experience depression. She had chosen to do that and had discovered incredible victory over her negative feelings that were manifesting themselves in depression.

Even though I can’t vouch for the speaker’s words that if you memorize Psalm 103, you will never have depression again, I thought Psalm 103 would be one I should memorize for my personal use and to share with others. This is especially true because I have had to deal with depression in my past, and I regularly hear from moms who are in the midst of depression. While I am only on verse ten out of the twenty-two verses in my memorization, let me show how this Psalm begins:

“Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” (Psalm 103:1-5)

In reading Psalm 103, we can quickly see that the focus is on the worship of God and gratitude to Him for all He has done for us. When we set our hearts on praise and gratefulness, there isn’t room for the negative feelings to control us.

Physical Components to Emotional Stress

If you are struggling with unwanted feelings on an ongoing basis, I encourage you to evaluate whether there is a physical component to it. How is your diet? Are you consuming white sugar, white flour, and caffeine, or are you eating healthy, nutritious food? What about getting adequate sleep? Are you exercising? Those are areas of your life that you have control over and that you can change so that they do not drive your negative feelings. Perhaps as you get those aspects of your life where they need to be, the feelings will be resolved in the process. It is ultimately possible that the root cause of negative feelings could be a health issue that would be helped by the attention of a medical doctor.

Sometimes we try to justify our negative feelings because we think they are hurting no one but ourselves. However, if we face the truth, we have to realize that those emotions do indeed affect not only our lives but also the lives of others, especially those we love the most, our families. This is easy to see with something like anger because the recipient of anger is likely going to be emotionally hurt by the anger. However, if we give in to worry, that will affect our words, our countenance, our responses, and our interactions with those who are close to us. If we are lonely and begin to feel sorry for ourselves, that will as well reach beyond us to those with whom we live.

Living with Chronic Pain

Let me give you a personal example of this. I have lived with chronic back pain for many years. One day last week, I had my normal back pain plus a new pain that caused me to hurt every time I took a deep breath. I knew this new pain was temporary and would be gone in a day or two, but it still hurt right then. In addition, I had a sort of allergic reaction in my mouth that was causing the roof of my mouth to burn, ache, and itch. That morning a family member shared with me something I had said to them that they felt had an attitude behind it.

Were any of those very big problems? No! However, added together that day, they presented a spiritual battle. Rather than fight the spiritual battle with my thoughts of self-pity, I decided to cry. Here is the outcome of my good cry.

  • Red, puffy eyes
  • A terrible headache
  • A runny nose even after I stopped crying
  • A perpetuation of my self-pity
  • A bleak countenance
  • A concern in the family manifested by them asking me if I was okay
  • An insecurity in one family member indicated by her thinking she was the cause of my crying
  • A sadness that pervaded our home that evening.

As I evaluated that period of crying, I couldn’t figure out one positive benefit that had come from it. All the outcomes were negative. At the moment I chose to cry, I also had the opportunity to choose what I have been encouraging us to do in these articles. Had I done those things, God’s grace would have given me the strength to accept the pain and discouragement and move on with my day.

Remember our key verse from the first article: “This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would” (Galatians 5:16-17).

We walk in the Spirit by seeking the Lord’s strength in prayer (2 Corinthians 12:9). We do it by taking those negative thoughts captive and bringing them into the obedience of the Lord (2 Corinthians 10:5). I could have had a grateful heart thinking about others who have so much more pain than I do (1 Thessalonians 5:18), and then prayed for them rather than feeling sorry for myself. Had I begun to put into my mind the verses that I have memorized, gotten out my notebook of special Bible verses, or opened my Bible to read it, the self-pity would have been neutralized by God’s abundant grace. Even getting up and getting busy would most likely have set me walking in the Spirit rather than fulfilling the lust of my selfish flesh.

By the next morning, I had repented of my negative, self-focused thoughts, asked my family’s forgiveness for how they were affected, and moved on with the Lord Jesus for a new day. I encourage you when you fail to do the same. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Remember that His mercies are new every morning. “It is of the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:22-23).

I want to encourage you to deal with your negative feelings rather than succumbing to them or believing yourself to be a victim of them. Not only will you benefit from this change but those around you will benefit as well. My prayer for my life and for yours is that we would continually walk in the fruit of the Spirit: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23).