Category Archives: Mom’s Corner

Walking in the Light – Part 2

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This month we are continuing our discussion concerning how we can deal with our feelings when we are spiritually different from those whom we usually find ourselves surrounded by, both Christians and non-Christians. To read last month’s article, see Part 1.

Here is the e-mail request that began this series of articles:

It would be great to have an encouraging Corner, one about how our walk is so very different from what even other Christians’ walks are.

It’s not easy making conservative Christian choices, even more so for a single, conservative Christian mom—there’s got to be more than one of me out there—a mom who’s the mom and the earner, who requires her children to obey, has modesty standards, limits outside influence and has her focus on the raising of her family, and having to do that alone.

Yet what’s really interesting is that every time I’m about to give in to what the world tempts, God steps in to remind me, usually through somebody else or somebody else’s situation, that the conservative choices I, or we, have made, are the right ones.

Being different from others often creates a sense of loneliness in our hearts. We may find ourselves longing for like-minded fellowship and companionship. This loneliness isn’t unique to us. Look at Paul’s experience with being different and the results in his life: “At my first answer no man stood with me, but all men forsook me: I pray God that it may not be laid to their charge. Notwithstanding the Lord stood with me, and strengthened me; that by me the preaching might be fully known, and that all the Gentiles might hear: and I was delivered out of the mouth of the lion. And the Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve me unto his heavenly kingdom: to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen” (2 Timothy 4:16-18).

Here we observe Paul’s reaction to being so different that he was left completely alone, and he was the only one left standing for God’s truth. First we see he had a forgiving spirit toward those who had wronged him. Next, he didn’t focus on his sense of loneliness, nor did he make finding others who were like him his priority. He most certainly didn’t compromise or change his message.

Paul chose to continue to be busy about the work the Lord Jesus had given to him. His mind and heart were fastened on that work, which is then where he put his thoughts. He could continue in what he needed to do because the Lord stood with him. He didn’t have to stop for a season to find others who would support the truth he held so dear. He looked to the Lord for strength and continued to preach the message of the Lord Jesus.

I believe we can learn from Paul’s experience with loneliness. The consequences of his being different were much greater than the consequences of our being different. He faced physical persecution, imprisonment, and banishment in addition to his loneliness. Yet he continually stood firm. For the time being in our nation, when we choose to follow the Lord Jesus in all aspects of our lives, our persecution is not actual physical hardship like Paul experienced. We are different, perhaps lonely, and often we face peer and family pressure, but we are not fearful for our lives.

The following verses give us the Lord’s direction for how we should face any hardships that we would have in our lives as a result of standing firm on the truth of the Word. “Thou therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. And the things that thou hast heard of me among many witnesses, the same commit thou to faithful men, who shall be able to teach others also. Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. No man that warreth entangleth himself with the affairs of this life; that he may please him who hath chosen him to be a soldier” (2 Timothy 2:1-4).

Just like Paul, we are to be strong in the grace that is in Jesus Christ. We are to endure any difficulties that come our way because we belong to the Lord Jesus, we are fighting His battles, and we want to please Him. Our loneliness gives us opportunity to turn our focus fully on the Lord Jesus and off the distractions of this world.

In these situations, we find there is no comfort except the comfort of Jesus Christ. “Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ. And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation” (2 Corinthians 1:3-6). The Lord gives us comfort in our struggles, and He has a purpose in our learning to lean on His comfort, grace, and strength. We will pass on to others in need what we have learned.

While we may feel like the only ones making the choices we are making, it is probably much the same as it was with Elijah. “God hath not cast away his people which he foreknew. Wot ye not what the scripture saith of Elias? how he maketh intercession to God against Israel, saying, Lord, they have killed thy prophets, and digged down thine altars; and I am left alone, and they seek my life. But what saith the answer of God unto him? I have reserved to myself seven thousand men, who have not bowed the knee to the image of Baal” (Romans 11:2-4).

Elijah was convinced he was the only one who was remaining faithful to God, but there were seven thousand others who were just like him. He simply didn’t know them. He wasn’t able to have fellowship with them or be encouraged by them. Isn’t it interesting that the Lord didn’t tell Elijah to go find some of the seven thousand? Instead He wanted Elijah to remain faithful to the call He had put on his life.

We may grow weary in our walk when there aren’t others who are like-minded to encourage us. However, Scripture has direction for us in this as well. “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not” (Galatians 6:9).

As we remain in the Word, growing in our walk with the Lord Jesus, we gain direction for our daily lives and strength to follow through with commitment. We can choose to let our minds be filled with thoughts of self-pity because of a lack of like-minded fellowship, letting this consume us and our time. Or we can serve the Lord Jesus, learning how He is a Friend like no other. May we be women who will steadfastly stay obedient to what Jesus has taught us even when we are different from others around us.

Walking in the Light – Part 1

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One of the most frequent problems we hear of from families is their feeling of being different. Certainly they are different from the world, but most generally they are also different from other Christians. Here is a recent request we received concerning these situations:

It would be great to have an encouraging Corner, one about how our walk is so very different from what even other Christians’ walks are.

It’s not easy making conservative Christian choices, even more so for a single, conservative Christian mom—there’s got to be more than one of me out there—a mom who’s the mom and the earner, who requires her children to obey, has modesty standards, limits outside influence and has her focus on the raising of her family, and having to do that alone.

Yet what’s really interesting is that every time I’m about to give in to what the world tempts, God steps in to remind me, usually through somebody else or somebody else’s situation, that the conservative choices I, or we, have made, are the right ones.

What I would like to say concerning the encouragement of our hearts when we are different from others around us will apply to women who are single as well as moms who have husbands. Those of us who face our uniqueness in raising our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4) as a husband and wife team will struggle with the peer pressure of other Christians. For the single mom, it will be even harder because she doesn’t have the benefit of having a husband who will lead and support her.

“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).

In these verses, we see the importance for a single mom of her relationship with the Lord Jesus. He is that One Who will lift her up and warm her heart. If, in her busyness with life, she doesn’t make time to spend in the Word, she will flounder in her personal spiritual walk and in her commitment to what the Lord Jesus is calling her family to in obedience to Him.

In a threefold cord that is not easily broken, we also are made aware of how needful it is for a husband and wife, even though they are in agreement, to have the Lord Jesus Christ as that third part of the cord.

The foundation for maintaining an obedient walk with the Lord Jesus Christ is in our personal and family time in the Word. The more we are in the Word, the more we will know the direction the Lord Jesus is calling our families. “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path” (Psalms 119:105). We are often amazed when we come into contact with likeminded families that the one thing they have in common is a love for and hunger for the Word, which manifests itself in a commitment to having daily time in the Word as individuals and as a family.

Time in the Word helps us to know that our choices are biblical. We are basing those decisions on Scripture, not on what others are saying and doing. “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works” (2 Timothy 3:16-17.)

Time in the Word will allow us to discern if we begin to follow another family, a person, or our own whims rather than the Bible. “For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12).

Finally, time in the Word is the basis for the spiritual growth we need if we want to walk in obedience to the light the Lord Jesus has given to us. “As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby” (1 Peter 2:2). The only way to stand firm when others criticize what we are doing or try to conform us to what they think we should be is to be spiritually strong and grounded. “Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. No man that warreth entangleth himself with the affairs of this life; that he may please him who hath chosen him to be a soldier” (2 Timothy 2:3-4).

Being different from other Christians can cause us to doubt what the Lord Jesus has called us to do. We might wonder whether we could truly know what Scripture is instructing us to do when so many others are making other choices. That is why being in the Word is non-optional for us. We have to know the basis for what we are doing so that we can be committed to it with steadfastness. “For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men, Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world” (Titus 2:11-12).

The starting place for how we deal with our feelings when we are different from other Christians is in our commitment to being in the Word. This time in the Word gives us direction for our lives, grounding in decisions, and spiritual strength. May we be women who make time for the Word and delight in what it brings to our lives.

The Kitchen Cleanup Dilemma

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This Mom’s Corner comes from a request that we had for practical advice concerning how to get children to do what they are supposed to do. Here are the details:

“My concern and quest for help begins in the kitchen. A background on my children is that they are EXTREMELY happy children, almost to a fault. What I mean is that they do not know when to STOP laughing, giggling, and being silly, in order to get down to business. We have used your ChorePack system and for the most part it works wonders in keeping my home clean and well ordered. I especially love that the non-readers can have responsibilities without my prodding constantly.

“My trouble is in the kitchen. They are each assigned a task to do for ‘KP’. They complete this task after every meal. I am there to inspect after it is done, and during the task I am there to ensure that they are doing it. The trouble is that they do the task sloppily, they goof off half the time, and I feel as if I am nagging them to continue.

“I have tried different approaches to solving this problem, including various consequences. Some seemed too harsh for the offense, while others just didn’t work. I have tried offering rewards. That didn’t seem to motivate for the duration either.

“The other day I had a wrapped gift I had found as we unpacked our boxes from another move. I set it on the table, and everyone was very interested. I told them that they could open it if everyone did their KP WELL and without talking. I left the room to go unpack boxes. They enjoyed their usual meal filled with giggles and noises, and then all of a sudden my house was QUIET!! Not too long after, I heard one or the other begin giggling and chatting, and I thought, ‘Oh well, that didn’t work too well.’ I walked out to find a PERFECTLY cleaned kitchen!! I was not only floored but somewhat disappointed that it took a wrapped gift on the table to accomplish that for which I have been striving for YEARS!!

“I asked my eldest son later (age 12), ‘What could I do to get my children to clean quietly like that when there ISN’T a reward waiting?’ He wisely said, ‘Well, this is just an idea . . . but you could ask a woman who has older children and has some more ideas than you!!’ Here I am asking you for some ideas, advice, and prayer!! I am seeing that I am training my children to disobey me, not the goal for any of us. I have gone to the Lord through James 1 and am believing that He WILL give me the wisdom I need to train my children in the way they should go!!”

I opened this Mom’s Corner with all of the details from the question we received because I felt that most of us could relate to the mom’s situation and struggles. She has tried many ways to get her children to do what they should do, but she isn’t having the success she would like to achieve. This then can easily lead to discouragement for Mom.

She has started right where she needs to begin—by depending on the Lord and crying out to him. “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. . .” (James 1:5-6). We know that when we are weak, without answers, the Lord Jesus is strong. “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. . .” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I believe what is being dealt with here is very normal childish behavior. Scripture speaks to this in 1 Corinthians 13:11. “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” Children are simply children—full of life, excitement, and most certainly childish ways. We can expect them to act like children while they are children. Our goal is to help them mature into a godly adult with a heart to serve and obey Jesus. “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

This is a gradual process best facilitated little by little with loving encouragement, gentleness, and consistent consequences. Here are two verses that support this approach, “The wise in heart shall be called prudent: and the sweetness of the lips increaseth learning” (Proverbs 16:21). “For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little” (Isaiah 28:10).

What we want to have happen as we disciple and teach our children is to tell them what they are to do, demonstrate it for them, watch them do it, encourage them, and then have them do it perfectly from then on. However, that simply isn’t the way it always works. Remember with me and say it to yourself again, “They are just children.” It takes a mom’s ongoing time, effort, and consistency to achieve the desired goal.

In this case, as in almost every case that involves children’s behavior, consistency of consequence is more important than the actual consequence itself. It isn’t the exact consequence that matters most, but it is the utilizing of the consequence every time it is needed. It is likely that even though this mom has been in the kitchen with the children, she hasn’t been consistent with her consequences.

Let’s take a very normal problem and assign it a consequence. The problem is that a child isn’t doing his cleanup job but instead is reading the mail sitting on the kitchen counter. If we have designated ten minutes of sitting on a chair during free time as a consequence for a child who isn’t doing his kitchen work, then we would give that consequence. I am certain that if the consequence is given and utilized EVERY time the child begins to read the mail, he will soon stop doing it and stick to his task.

What happens, though, is that we remind the child to get back to work or he will receive the consequence. He stops reading but soon is back to it, and again we remind him to do his job. We would do better in teaching our children to be responsible by giving them the consequence right away and giving it consistently every time. If we make it a simple consequence like sitting on a chair during free time, we are more likely to actually use the consequence. If the consequence is difficult to implement or if we feel it is too hard, we will tend to continue with the reminders to help the children avoid it.

We know the children in the example can do what they are supposed to do because they did the job the mom wanted them to do when she had a reward for them—a wrapped present to be opened upon the successful completion of KP. A reward like that is okay once in a while, but we desire that our children learn to do what they should do simply because they need to do it, not because there is a reward for it. This mom found through her little experiment with the package that her children were very capable of doing what she was asking them to do, doing it well, and doing it in a timely fashion. Now she just wants to continue with her training and discipline to bring her children to maturity in doing these things without rewards, reminders, or consequences.

Personally, I would work toward having the children become responsible in their jobs but allowing them to talk and enjoy each other’s fellowship as they are in the kitchen together. In our family, this is one of the greatest blessings of tackling a job as a group—being able to talk as we work. While the children are fellowshipping through their KP duties, their work will go much more quickly and they are building those lifelong relationships. Our family loves working together. However, talking can lead to goofiness, which undermines the task at hand, so there have to be consequences that are set in place for playing rather than working and for not doing a good job.

Consider making the consequence for poor quality work having to redo the job during the child’s free time. Since this is an after-lunch cleanup, if a child is required to redo several of his jobs, it will most likely mean he isn’t ready to start the afternoon’s schoolwork on time. Then are two choices. The first possibility would be to have him redo the poor or undone work right then, and begin school later. For however much later school is started, it would go that much later in the day. For example, let’s say it is 12:55 when Mom inspects the kitchen and sees a child’s work that needs to be redone. She calls her child to redo the work, and it takes him until 1:15 to accomplish the tasks. School was to begin at 1:00, so he now has to go fifteen minutes later in the afternoon with school than he normally would go.

The second possibility would be to begin school at the scheduled time, and then when free time arrives, have the child redo his work. For example, if the child didn’t load the dishes into the dishwasher after lunch and some of those dishes are needed for an afternoon snack, he could be required to wash and dry the dishes by hand. However, if the dishes aren’t needed until dinnertime, there might be opportunity after school for him to redo his job. Which way to work the consequence would depend on whether the chore has to be accomplished correctly for other aspects of the day to continue.

If the consequence, consistently used, isn’t working, then one raises the impact of the consequence. In this case, the mom could begin adding extra time doing other jobs, doing schoolwork, or for a younger child, sitting on a chair. If that isn’t working, add more time. But remember with me, and say it to yourself again, “I have to be consistent.” If your consequence isn’t working, reevaluate whether you are being consistent.

This mom might try to give her children an incentive to move through their work in a timely fashion, such as free time before the next scheduled activity. For example, breakfast cleanup could be scheduled for a half hour, but you know it should only take fifteen minutes. If the children are working efficiently, they will have fifteen minutes of free time before school starts. However, if they goof off during their meal cleanup, they would be using up their free time. If that happens, then it really doesn’t matter much because it was just their free time that was impacted. Just be careful, though, not to always use rewards and thereby teach your children to work only if there is a reward.

I have regularly dismissed all the kitchen helpers and left the work to one child whom I observed not doing his work. Extra work for our children has been a good consequence that I can use consistently. I would also consider using extra work for the child who isn’t doing a good job with his task—give him a sibling’s job in addition to his own work—particularly if this could reward the child who is being thorough and diligent with his work, releasing him from it for a day or two or more.

After sharing, in a much briefer fashion, these thoughts and suggestions with the mom who wrote the introductory question, she responded a short while later with this result:

“I have really taken your counsel to heart, especially the encouragement to be consistent and the ideas to add more work for those trying to sneak out of work!! I can assure you that these, perhaps obvious, thoughts have truly brought PEACE to my home after each meal!! It was really helpful for me to hear from you that my children WILL grow into maturity!! I believe this is true AS LONG AS I train them in that right direction.”

Using consequences consistently is vitally important to gaining results in teaching our children to do what the need to do. We also want to remember that they are children and not expect adult behavior from them. Look back at their level of responsibility two years ago, and it is likely there has been progress. Two years in the future, it will have progressed even further. May I encourage you to lovingly, gently, and consistently tackle any areas with your children—like KP—that have had you discouraged? I believe you will be happily surprised with the results.

Homeschooling with Textbooks

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Homeschooling with textbooks is a simple, practical, and productive way to homeschool. Here is a real life testimonial of a mom who moved to homeschooling with textbooks after trying other ways to homeschool.

“I am reviewing my cherished, Managers of Their Schools book and have been so blessed by it this past year. I was one of those who was completely against textbook learning, but after reading your book last year, the case was proved, and there is no going back for our family.

“I knew the first month would be awful, and it was but so worth it. The children (10, 9, 7, 5, and 3 at the time) were so used to a fully mom-directed schooling and ‘entertaining’ school. So some new character traits had to be learned – self-discipline and hard work even when it is not enjoyed to name the top two, had to be worked through. Now we all love our textbook learning, I have more time with the younger children, and the children are proud of their work and work well.

“The children asked if they could use textbooks from here on out. Character is the main reason we homeschool, and this style truly helped. Anyway, I have found your curriculum choices to be of great wisdom, and they have been right on for our family as well.”

Homeschool Textbooks

With August upon us, those who are homeschooling are probably preparing for a new school year. Because we receive so many e-mails from homeschooling moms, we have become aware of the major areas of struggles with which they will wrestle. A large number of their problems could possibly be solved very simply—by changing their method of homeschooling. Their method of homeschooling is putting unnecessary pressure on them, and they are suffering with the burden of it. They continue with the way they have been homeschooling because they believe if they change methods they will do their children a disservice. Plus the way they are homeschooling appeals to them either intellectually or to their mommy hearts even if the practical side isn’t very successful. Because of these issues, I want to take this Mom’s Corner to once again recommend a style of homeschooling that many have dismissed without much, if any, consideration—Christian textbook homeschooling.

There are two past Mom’s Corners when I addressed this same recommendation. Here are links to them: May 2005 Mom’s Corner and May 2003 Mom’s Corner. In these articles, I encouraged those who were satisfied with their method of homeschooling to skip reading the rest of the Mom’s Corner. Truly, if you are content with how you homeschool and it is successful for you, we don’t want to dissuade you from what you are doing. However, as we continue to hear from moms having difficulties in their homeschooling lifestyle and also hearing very positive comments from those who are switching to textbooks, we feel the need to become more overt in our encouragement for homeschool families to consider Christian textbooks. It is not our desire to put down other homeschooling methods but to see families successful. We are grateful for everything that helps, supports, and allows families to homeschool. More and more, though, we are aware of families who are so frustrated with homeschooling for that they are sending their children back to a public or private school. It isn’t their heart’s desire for this to happen, but they haven’t been successful with their homeschooling either because of the demands on Mom’s time, because school wasn’t consistently accomplished, or because the children weren’t learning. Would it have been necessary to give up homeschooling if they had tried using textbooks?

Textbooks Help the Homeschool Mom

As we become more convinced that textbooks facilitate not only the education of a homeschooled child but also allow a homeschool mom to keep up with the needed demands on her time, we are taking a bigger step in becoming proactive advocates of textbooks. Please, though, don’t misunderstand us. We are not saying you have to use Christian textbooks to successfully homeschool. Nor are we saying it is the only way to homeschool. We are simply suggesting homeschool families consider textbooks as a possibility, especially if they are having any problems with accomplishing school, with their children’s education, or with continuing to homeschool.

In a nutshell, the testimony that introduces this article says well what I would like to convey. Most of us didn’t consider homeschooling with Christian textbooks when we began homeschooling. After all, we were told in the materials we read about homeschooling, that if we used textbooks to school our children we would be bringing school into our homes—something we were encouraged not to do. We were also told that our children would be bored with textbooks, and that they would dislike learning if we used texts. We were encouraged to try out other methods of homeschooling—ones that would entice our children to learn, be more fun, and be more exciting.

As we work with homeschool moms and listen to their pleas for help, we wonder why textbooks have a negative reputation in homeschooling circles. Their benefits are numerous, and they solve so many of the problems with which homeschooling families are struggling. Our personal experience with Christian textbooks is very positive, and we are hearing that same result from other families who have switched to textbooks. We moved away from twelve years of other homeschooling methods to textbooks, which we have used for twelve years, and we plan to remain with textbooks for our last six years of homeschooling. As other moms are switching to textbooks, they are also finding positive changes in their homeschool environment quite similar to the mom in the note who introduced this article. These benefits are causing them to be excited about homeschooling with textbooks, and they don’t have a desire to go back to other methods they have left behind.

Because of the homeschooling style the mom whose testimony we have shared with you had been using, she knew that it would take some effort on her part to reestablish learning patterns in her children. Her children had become accustomed to learning only if Mom made it entertaining, exciting, appealing, and enticing. The reality of that type of homeschooling is that it is quite exhausting for Mom. You would think children would be sad about leaving that fun style of homeschooling. However, after one year of using textbooks, these children themselves didn’t want to return to their old method. They were happy with the change and have requested to continue homeschooling as they have been the past year.

Homeschool Textbooks Facilitate Independent Learners

Textbooks are just plain practical. Many of the other homeschool methods are totally dependent on Mom continually having the proper books, supplies, motivation, and time to direct the learning and educational activities. If Mom isn’t available or just happens to be working with another child, school is put on hold. With textbooks, children can be independent learners. They work at their own pace. If they happen to need help but help isn’t immediately available, they move to another section of their book or another subject that they can do by themselves. With the older children being able to do much of their work on their own, Mom’s time can be invested with the younger children, who are still learning to read, and with the older children in the particular areas where they struggle.

We find textbooks give our children a thorough education. They don’t leave gaps in a child’s learning like other methods may be prone to do. I had often read that textbooks were boring, and if I used them to homeschool, my children would dislike learning. However, our experience over the years of using textbooks for our homeschooling is that they aren’t boring nor do they stifle my children’s joy in learning. Instead the education those textbooks provide our children equips them to research their own projects and move into autonomy in their learning.

Textbooks Provide Opportunities for Real Learning

For many homeschool families, we wonder if their homeschool method is causing their children to grow up with an appetite to learn only if the material is exciting, interesting, and fun. Moms usually have to work very, very hard to keep their homeschool in these enticing realms where their children are willing to put forth the needed effort to learn. This in itself can become wearying for Mom. What will children, who grow up with this type of homeschooling, think about reading the Bible? It is simply a normal kind of book to be read and applied to our lives. Will their hearts be drawn to wanting to spend time in the Word or will it not measure up to the kind of learning to which they have become accustomed?

In addition, in real adult life, we sometimes get to learn what we find to be interesting. More often, however, we learn because we need to learn – whether we like what we are to learn and how it is presented or not. In our family, our children mostly enjoy their textbook learning, but there are times when they don’t prefer the subject matter such as when they come to the elements of the periodic table in science. What they gain by this kind of textbook experience, is that they can apply themselves to learn an area in which they aren’t interested, and it is okay.

Through the use of textbooks, our testimonial family learned self-discipline and how to work hard. Rather than the children being unhappy about that and wanting to return to their old method of homeschooling, they are proud of their work and their ability to work well. They want to stay with their textbooks.

I want to encourage homeschool moms to evaluate what is happening in their homeschools. Have the methods and materials burdened Mom down? Is your method giving your children an excellent education? Are you consistently keeping up with your homeschooling? Are your children independent learners, or do they have to rely upon Mom to keep school going? As a solution to many of the problems homeschool families are experiencing with their homeschooling, I would like to suggest the possibility that textbooks would provide the solutions.

(If you are interested in more detail concerning the benefits of textbook homeschool, you can find it in our newest book, Managers of Their Schools: A Practical Guide to Homeschooling. Plus Managers of Their Schools gives much practical homeschooling information in general and specifically about how to use textbooks plus our curricula choices.)

Bickering, Complaining, and Time Pressure – Part 3

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(We hadn’t realized we never completed a series we started earlier this year! So, here is the final part.) This month I want to finish the response to the questions contained in this e-mail:

“I was just reading your latest Mom’s Corner and was wondering about you addressing something in the future. We are trying to raise five children, ages six years down to eight months, in the way God would want. I am having difficulty with bickering, bickering, and more bickering. The children complain about having to do chores and not getting enough play time because they have to do school. We are homeschooling. I try to explain that we help each other and should treat each other as we would have others treat us. Also of note . . . I feel my time is so divided, especially with twin eight month olds. I don’t feel like I have the time to do all the things that need to be done such as when it comes to getting the children to listen and be kind to each other. I know that this should be the priority, but it seems too hard.” Mom to Five

You can read the first two parts of this series of articles here.

To tackle the complaining about chores, doing school, or not having enough play time, much of what was shared in parts one and two of these articles will apply. In this case, once again, the consequences have to be consistent and effective. The children who complain about chores could be given more chores to do, which is a very natural consequence. However, with little children it can be difficult to come up with additional chores that they are capable of accomplishing since they can do so few chores on their own in the first place.

When our younger children complained about chores or school, I often used chair time as a consequence. Since their grumbles were linked to their desire to play rather than do what they needed to do, the consequence was designed to impact what they preferred to do while at the same time making it counterproductive to complain. If it wasn’t convenient for them to sit their chair time right at that moment, I wrote a note so that at lunchtime or later in the afternoon, the child would have his consequence.

As would frequently happen in our home, a child would likely make an excuse for his complaining, tell me he wasn’t grumbling, or argue about his consequence. I usually started with five minutes of chair-sitting time. When the excuses or arguing began, I said, “The time is now ten minutes.” If it continued (as often happened because the first try didn’t work), I would say, “The time is now fifteen minutes.” We had a couple of times where a child worked his way up to forty-five minutes. However, we felt the consequence was reasonable and so much better than becoming entangled in an argument with the child.

These two verses were the main ones we used with our children concerning complaining and why they shouldn’t grumble. “Do all things without murmurings and disputings” (Philippians 2:14). “And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus” (Colossians 3:17). The first verse is the directive not to complain, and the second verse provides the instruction of what the child’s heart attitude is to encompass.

Something to take into consideration concerning both the children’s bickering and their complaining would be other influences. The more time children spend playing with friends, the more likely that they will be dissatisfied with their sibling playmates. They come to prefer their friends over their brothers and sisters. In addition, they are usually learning negative attitudes from their friends that they bring home and with which they begin to afflict their family members. Influences that cause unkindness among siblings might also be coming from other activities where our children are around other children. Being exposed to the typical child’s foolishness can lead our children to mirror that same foolishness in their lives with their brothers and sisters.

The same problems would go for the amount of time children spend watching TV. TV impacts children’s attitudes toward each other adversely, and it fosters a spirit of complaining when the children are required to do activities like chores and school that take away from TV time.

This mom also indicated that she doesn’t feel like she has time to stop and teach the children when a problem surfaces. She knows, though, the vital importance of investing time in the discipleship process with her children. I want to encourage this mom in the use of a daily schedule so that she is more productive and has time available not only to give her children consequences when they bicker but also to teach them how to be sweet to each other.

With five children, including twin eight month old babies, this mom most certainly has plenty to keep her busy. It is no wonder that she would struggle with time pressures and not think she has time to instruct her children when they are bickering. I firmly believe that a schedule is the key she needs to help her have the time to keep up with her household responsibilities, homeschool her children, and interact with them when they are not getting along well.

Our book Managers of Their Homes has much more information on scheduling and includes a Scheduling Kit (colored squares and sticky tac). Especially for those who don’t think they can schedule, it is designed to make the process as easy as possible. Daily, we receive testimonies about how this book is being used as a tool to transform families. To read some of them, just click on product testimonies at the above link. Even if you haven’t felt you could ever make or use a schedule, if you have a need in your home, I encourage you to consider a schedule as a solution.

Life with little children will bring bickering between them, complaining about responsibility, and time pressure for Mom. We know the importance of raising our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, so addressing these problems is vitally important. As a mom whose children are much older than the mom who wrote the introductory e-mail, I know firsthand the necessity of praying for ourselves and our children. I encourage young moms to expect the process of discipling their children to be a long-term project and to willingly invest their hearts into it. Then you want to look for consistent consequences that you can give with a loving attitude while evaluating any influences that may be undermining the work you are doing with your children. May I encourage you to be a mom who puts a schedule in place so that she will have the needed time to continually instruct her children in the way they should go. Let us run with patience the race that is set before us (Hebrews 12:1).

News and Children’s Internet Usage – Part 2

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Last month, I answered the first part of an e-mail written to us from a mom wanting some input in a couple of areas of her life. One of those areas had to do with reading the newspaper and the discouragement it brings to her heart. If you want to read that Mom’s Corner, here is the link. This is the e-mail with the questions.

“I was wondering if you have advice on whether or not (and how much if so) to read the news. I find it can be so discouraging to read truthfully and yet know that we should have some awareness of what is going on in the world. I’d love to hear advice on how your family manages in this area.

“I was also wondering if you’d ever be willing to share how you were able to introduce your children to the Internet. I have taken perhaps an extreme approach and not allowed my sons access unless I am sitting next to them, and yet know that now that they are 15 and 18 I need to transition them and train them in this area. I’ve been at a loss for how to manage and would greatly appreciate any advice you can pass along!”

I am going to start by answering a question that I received from a couple of moms after reading last month’s Mom’s Corner where I shared our family’s journey to not being involved in the news. The question I was asked was how we know who to vote for when it is election time, and how do we get political information. At election time, we receive mailings from candidates and from Christian organizations that will tell us where the candidates stand on various issues. We can also get on the Internet to research the candidates.

When there are political things going on with homeschooling, we find out because we are part of Home School Legal Defense Association. They have e-mail alerts that let us know if there is something we need to bring to our congressmen’s attention. Kansans for Life inform us of what is going on in Kansas and the United States concerning the pro-life agenda and also concerning abortion. To be honest, we wonder why Christians would ever think they are receiving helpful political information from the worldly, liberal, biased media.

Now I want to move to addressing the question about our children and their Internet usage. As our children have been growing up in the computer age, we have chosen to see the computer as a tool, not a toy for entertainment. Therefore, the computer isn’t used for games, videos, surfing, chatting, social networking, or fun. The computer is used to meet a need like learning to type, typing answers to questions in a school book, doing income taxes, writing letters, tracking finances, looking for an automotive part for the bus, finding a recipe, and scrapbooking.

The Internet has much potential for polluting our children’s minds. We want them to understand that while the computer is a tool they are allowed to use, it is dangerous just as a power tool can be dangerous when it is mishandled. As far as Internet for our children, we have chosen to be very cautious and limiting with their Internet access. “. . . I will walk within my house with a perfect heart. I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes. . .” (Psalms 101:2-3).

We have high levels of Internet parental-control security on all of our computers. Steve and I choose to live with the parental controls on our Internet for our personal protection, for our children’s protection, and as an example to them. This security blocks our computers from accessing Web sites that are in categories we have deemed unacceptable for our family. I am the only one who has access to what is needed to change those security settings. This provides a great deal of protection for our children on the Internet. We still have additional levels of accountability and sheltering regarding our children and their computers. (We use a free family filter called K9, although there is a small fee if you are a business user.)

Because all of the adults in our family use computers for their livelihood, they must upgrade computers regularly. That means the old computers are passed down to the children. Beginning this school year, even our twelve-year-old had a laptop computer—one that Nathan bought new for work, then I used it for several years, next Sarah had it, followed by Jesse, and now it belongs to Mary. Though our children have their own computers by age twelve or so, they do not have Internet access on their computers.

At this point, only the children over eighteen have access to the Internet on their computers. Joseph (20) and John (18) use the Internet when a sibling is sitting beside them who can see their screens. That gives an added level of accountability. Even my husband, Steve, and older son, Christopher, have an open-door policy with their computer work. Any family member can walk into their offices and observe what they are doing on their computers. Sarah and I have full access to look over their systems as well, and we receive reports on where each person has gone on the Internet.

The younger children, ages 12, 14, and 16, can use the Internet on a family member’s computer if they are being supervised. Sometimes this is inconvenient in our family, not only for the one who wants to use the Internet, but also for the one giving accountability. However, this is a level of sheltering that is important to us. It is vital to us not only for our children, but also for Steve and me.

Joseph, John, Anna, and Jesse have e-mail capability on their computers, but they send and receive all their e-mail only through Steve’s computer. This protects them from e-mail spam in general, but particularly from the spam that is morally corrupting. For free e-mail accounts, we have found Gmail to be much less objectionable than many others that offer free e-mail. Many of our family members have Gmail accounts.

While we are discussing our children and Internet usage, we should consider the example we as moms are setting for our children. There are many moms who appear to spend a great amount of time on the computer—e-mailing, writing blogs, visiting blogs, participating in chat rooms and message boards, instant messaging, and just surfing.

What example is being set for the children? Are we addicted to our computer time? Are we setting an appetite in our children’s hearts to spend their time on the computer? Are daily tasks being avoided for the computer? Are relationship-building activities taking second place to a computer screen? Do we want our children to remember a mom who was continually sitting in front of the computer? Do they see us as always anxious to leave behind daily tasks to get to the computer? Does this use of our time bring God glory? “And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him” (Colossians 3:17).

Sometimes I wonder if the Internet is a modern-day version of the wandering from house to house that is described in this verse: “And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not” (1 Timothy 5:13). Is it possible that moms who say they are too busy to read their Bibles every day are spending time on their computers? Would the Lord have us invest our time in our relationship with Him, relationships with our husbands and children, homemaking, and serving others rather than with the computer? I think these are good questions for us to consider prayerfully with the Lord.

The computer, Internet, and e-mail are wonderful tools that we and our children have at our disposal. However, they bring with them the potential of wasting much time, of becoming addicting, and even of ruining lives. We must consider the negative aspects of the computer when we are allowing the computer into our lives and the lives of our children. May we be extremely cautious with the computer. May we seek the Lord for how He would have us use it, the parameters He would direct us to, and the safeguards to have in place.

News and Children’s Internet Usage – Part 1

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Once again this month’s Mom’s Corner is a response to an e-mail question we received that we felt might be something other moms were grappling with as well as the mom who wrote the e-mail. This mom writes:

“I was wondering if you have advice on whether or not (and how much if so) to read the news. I find it can be so discouraging to read truthfully and yet know that we should have some awareness of what is going on in the world. I’d love to hear advice on how your family manages in this area.

“I was also wondering if you’d ever be willing to share how you were able to introduce your children to the Internet. I have taken perhaps an extreme approach and not allowed my sons access unless I am sitting next to them, and yet know that now that they are 15 and 18 I need to transition them and train them in this area. I’ve been at a loss for how to manage and would greatly appreciate any advice you can pass along!”

About twenty years ago, Steve and I decided to stop taking the newspaper. By that point in our lives, we had already quit watching TV, so we didn’t have news exposure except through the newspaper and radio. Our older children were then ages where they could read well, and they picked up anything in the house they could find to read, including the newspaper. Because of this, Steve and I became aware of how news stories were impacting our children. In the process, we evaluated our own reception of that information.

What we found was that a great majority of the news was filled with evil, wickedness, and violence. We were sheltering our children from as much of the vileness of the world as we could, but through reading an article in the newspaper about a horrible crime, they could within just a few minutes be exposed to and educated in the most despicable levels of unrighteousness imaginable.

These verses became key in our decision to eliminate the newspaper from our home. “And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret” (Ephesians 5:11-12). By reading the newspaper, we were on the listening end of what was being spoken of that was done in secret. In that knowledge of evil deeds, a level of fellowship with unrighteousness was accomplished. Even though our hearts despised the wickedness, it was still in our thoughts.

This verse also played a part in our decision: “. . . yet I would have you wise unto that which is good, and simple concerning evil” (Romans 16:19). How could our children, or even Steve and me, be simple concerning evil if we were reading the worst of the crimes committed in our community, our nation, and the world?

There was an easy solution to this problem, and that was to stop taking the newspaper. However, as was often true of our decisions like this one, it took a little longer to actually take the step to call and cancel the paper. That was because I was used to reading, or at least skimming the newspaper, and I found it enjoyable. In the letting-go process, I came to see that I had made the newspaper somewhat of an idol in my life. This became evident because of the difficulty I had in letting it go even though I could see it wasn’t good for my family or for me.

After stopping the newspaper, we rolled our zeal to be “informed” over to listening to the news on the radio. All the reasons for not reading a newspaper held true for not listening to the radio news except that now even the younger children, who couldn’t yet read, could be exposed to wickedness and evil. Soon we stopped listening to the radio news.

Here is what we can tell you about living without reading the newspaper or Internet news or listening to the radio news. Our children are protected from the evil information that comes through the news, and if for no other reason than that, we are overjoyed to have eliminated that knowledge of unrighteousness from our lives.

An unexpected blessing has been that my heart is much more peaceful because knowing of the evil and wickedness in the world often caused me to be fearful and worried. I would wonder if something like I had read about might happen to my family. If the news was about the possibility of war, I was fearful. If it brought tidings of gloom and doom on the economic scene, I worried about our family’s future. There was seldom good, uplifting news.

When I wasn’t reading or hearing the news, I was able to focus on loving my family, doing what the Lord Jesus had called me to do in my home, and ministering to those He brought into my path. This was much better use of my time and emotional energy than worrying about issues for which I had no control.

Somehow, we find out about major happenings in the world, our nation, and our local community. For example, the economic crisis our country is experiencing is discussed regularly as we interact with others in our town. When there was a plane crash, it was being talked about in the checkout line at the grocery store. However, we have discovered that people don’t usually tend to discuss publicly the evil and wicked crimes that are described in detail in the news. Therefore, we are free from that knowledge of unrighteousness, and we have a very small amount of information about local, national, and world events.

It seems that our world has convinced us that it is critically important for everyone to be continually informed via the news in one form or another. If one would choose not to watch the news, read it, or listen to it, our society makes it appear that we are uneducated and less of a person. Have you ever considered the amount of time Christians spend becoming informed via the news? We wonder how many spend that much time in the Word. What would happen if Christians invested their news time in Bible study or ministry?

We have no desire to go back to what we learned via the news. The freedom in our spirits, thoughts, and home is such a great blessing to us. Perhaps you have never considered that you could make the choice to not invest time in the news. Maybe you have thought there would be negative consequences if you weren’t informed about local, national, or world events. May I encourage you to consider what blessings you might receive in your life if you quit the news. Next month I will respond to the second question that was asked in the opening e-mail.

Celebrating Birthdays

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Once again this Mom’s Corner is written because of a Mom’s Corner request. This is what was asked:

I would like to know how your family celebrates birthdays. It seems like in this generation of kids, birthdays have gotten out of control (having a party every year, having jump castles, treat bags for guests, etc.). My husband and I did not grow up like that. We can remember having a party for one or two of the milestone years (16) but only immediate family otherwise. You know, Mom fixes your favorite meal and a cake (flavor and icing your choice). We have 4 daughters ages 7, 5, 4, and 2. They are invited to a lot of these types of big blowout parties. They, of course, then want to have a party like that. We have a large, close family and if aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents are invited, we could easily have 20-30 people before any friends are invited. We usually end up having everyone over for ice cream and cake and even that seems like a BIG party to us. I would LOVE and appreciate your insight on this issue.

When our older children were little, we allowed them to attend birthday parties and gave them birthday parties as well, although not a party for each child every year. We soon found some significant drawbacks of these birthday parties. One of the biggest problems with the birthday party was the extreme amount of selfishness it created in our child. For weeks before the birthday party, the child could talk of nothing except his party. During the party, the excitement was over opening the gifts, and as soon as one party ended, the child was already planning the next one.

Our desire is to raise children who have learned to deny themselves. “Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me” (Matthew 16:24). The whole mentality of children’s birthday parties is quite the opposite of any denying of self because it is actually feeding self. After just a few birthday parties, we realized we didn’t want to continue fueling this amount of selfishness, and we simply said we would only have family birthday parties in the future.

That decision was made about twenty-five years ago, so our younger children have never experienced having a birthday party or attending one either. When we chose not to have birthday parties with other children invited to them, we also decided not to allow our children to attend other children’s birthday parties. Since we knew we wouldn’t be reciprocating with a birthday party, it didn’t seem right to us to accept invitations to others’ parties. One benefit of this decision is that it began protecting our children from unforeseen influences at birthday parties they had been attending. Sometimes when an invitation arrived, it caused us to wonder what activities would be occurring at the party. It is very awkward to call a parent questioning the special plans they have for their child’s party. Our new policy helped us avoid these situations.

Our birthdays are very simple, but we delight in birthdays because we love each other so much. We use birthdays to honor the birthday child by focusing our love and attention on him. Keeping an eye on our children’s hearts and seeking a balance in honoring them versus growing demanding attitudes in them is important to us as we celebrate family birthdays. There are times when we pull back some of the privileges that normally attend a child’s birthday because by his pre-birthday talk we can see a self-focus growing. However, in general, we believe the level of birthday celebration we have settled into has helped to build our family unity while not fueling our children’s natural propensity to selfishness.

The day before the birthday, the girls make birthday signs for the windows. We learned this idea from close family friends of ours. The birthday signs celebrate the special qualities of the birthday child, and the signs are taped to the windows in the living room and dining room. We also celebrate with birthday banners, balloons, and crepe paper streamers. On the front door, we use glass markers to write a brief Scripture for the birthday person (see this blog post for an example).

Usually the birthday child chooses a birthday breakfast from a choice of two or three favorite breakfast meals. He also picks his preferred lunch from our weekly lunch menu. For dinner, he decides on both a main dish and dessert. We invite Grandad and Grandma, who live right around the corner, and our married son with his family for the birthday dinner and party.

On birthdays, we encourage the family to do special things for the birthday child throughout the day as possible such as taking over his normal chores. We also encourage the birthday child to use his birthday as an opportunity to help and serve his family. Often the birthday child will make his birthday dessert, help with meal preparations, or work with the clean up crew.

When we began homeschooling, I would give the children their birthday off school. However, we started to see the children becoming possessive and demanding of not having to do school on their birthdays. Sometimes, because of other circumstances, it was necessary for them to do some or all of their normal schoolwork on their birthday. This could create bad attitudes in the birthday child. Observing this pattern when it occurred caused us to decide it was best to keep birthdays as normal school days. Then, if on occasion, we chose to lighten or skip school for the birthday child, it was received as an added gift of the day rather than demanded as something owed to them.

Part of our birthday party is always family Bible time. This comes before gift opening. Our children delight in purchasing birthday presents for each other, and a great deal of thought, prayer, and planning goes into each birthday present. Often our children shop together as teams so that they have more buying power. They evaluate and try to meet needs in the birthday child’s life through the present they give him.

In leaving behind the trappings of giving and attending children’s birthday parties, we have discovered a joy in the simplicity of family birthday parties. This allows our children to love and honor their birthday sibling. In the midst of birthday celebrations, we are watching the birthday child’s heart so that he doesn’t become selfish and demanding because of the birthday focus. We encourage each family to seek the Lord Jesus for what would be pleasing for their birthday celebrations.

Bickering, Complaining, and Time Pressure – Part 2

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We are in the midst of a Mom’s Corner series addressing the questions raised in this e-mail:

“I was just reading your latest Mom’s Corner and was wondering about you addressing something in the future. We are trying to raise five children, ages six years down to eight months, in the way God would want. I am having difficulty with bickering, bickering, and more bickering. The children complain about having to do chores and not getting enough play time because they have to do school. We are homeschooling. I try to explain that we help each other and should treat each other as we would have others treat us. Also of note . . . I feel my time is so divided, especially with twin eight-month-olds. I don’t feel like I have the time to do all the things that need to be done, such as when it comes to get the children to listen and be kind to each other. I know that this should be the priority, but it seems too hard.” Mom to Five

If you haven’t read Part 1 of this series, I suggest you read it so that you know what has already been said. This month I would like to move into considering how a mom would deal with the children’s continual bickering on a daily basis. Keep in mind the suggestions from last month, which advised that family time in the Word, having a mindset that raising children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord is a long-term project, and addressing sin in our own lives is the starting place.

I would encourage Mom to be in prayer concerning the problems she is observing in her children’s lives, such as sibling squabbles. This prayer would be during the mom’s daily Bible reading and prayer time and also each time that there is a particular situation that arises. Here is a good verse for Mom to pray for herself: “Give therefore thy servant an understanding heart to judge thy people, that I may discern between good and bad. . .” (1 Kings 3:9). When praying for the children, this is one of many verses that would be powerful: “Lord Jesus, would You teach my children to ‘Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering'” (Colossians 3:12).

In looking back on my mothering with small children, I regret that I wasn’t as faithful in praying for my children and for myself, regarding specific issues, as I could have been. Regularly there were times when I simply dished out the consequence without taking time for prayer either in my heart or with the children. When we pray with our children at these moments, we are beginning the discipleship process of teaching them to rely on the Lord Jesus Christ, to look to Him for strength when we are weak, and also to confess sin to Him. That is every bit as important as teaching them to be nice to each other, and therefore, it is worthy of our time investment.

“Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul” (Proverbs 29:17). Obviously, the mom who wrote me the e-mail would testify that her children are not giving her rest or bringing delight to her soul. The solution to that problem is offered her in Proverbs: correct thy son. However, I can also testify that this correction needs to be consistently used if we hope to see it become effective.

That means we must know what we are going to use for a consequence if the children are bickering. When our children were younger, we had two main consequences to use if they were squabbling with each other. The first one was to sit each of the children involved in the situation on a dining room chair with a kitchen timer set for a pre-determined number of minutes. For our younger children, this was usually five to ten minutes, but if there were return visits to the chair in the same day, the time might be increased. We wanted the consequence to be effective and help to motivate the children to change their behavior. If the chair-sitting time wasn’t enough to do this, then it needed to be longer. By sitting the offending children on a chair, I removed them from whatever was creating the conflict between them. In addition, we gained a period of time for cooling off. It was difficult to work through the problem with the children when their emotions were running high, and they were greatly involved in the situation.

The second consequence we used came from this verse in Proverbs: “Better is a dry morsel, and quietness therewith, than an house full of sacrifices with strife” (Proverbs 17:1). We grind our own wheat and make our bread. My little children preferred the soft inner pieces of bread versus the outside crusts, so I dried the crusts to be used for bread crumbs. However, at one point in our parenting, Steve and I realized that those dry crusts could provide us with a perfect consequence for children who weren’t being nice to each other.

We began having the children who were part of the conflict come to the dining room table to eat a dry crust. We briefly reviewed Proverbs 17:1 with them and explained that we would rather eat dry morsels all the time and have a peaceful home than to eat the way we usually eat, but with strife amongst family members. This was a simple consequence that I could use consistently—as long as I had some dry crusts available. It removed the children from the problematic situation, and it reinforced the Biblical analogy found in Proverbs 17:1.

With my children, I found it was important not to allow myself to be drawn into the children’s excuse making and not let them argue about a consequence. “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him. Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit” (Proverbs 26:4-5). Each child usually felt that he was right and his sibling was wrong, making him full of excuses for his behavior. The truth was usually that either child could have chosen to be kind, thereby avoiding the problem. I did watch to see if a particular child might often be the aggressor in the situations so that I could be especially vigilant in trying to help him learn to be more loving.

I also used these times to work with the children to help them know how they could have done or said something differently in order to have avoided the conflict. My job was not only to correct my children but to teach them how to be nice to each other and how to resolve their own problems. That meant I told them what each of them could have done to have prevented the squabble or to have ended it once it was started.

We worked with our children in helping them recognize the sin in their lives in relation to the bickering that had transpired. We wanted them to be able to repent of their sin, confessing it to the Lord Jesus and to the one they had offended. We were teaching them to go to their sibling and ask his forgiveness for whatever they had done wrong.

When our children were little, we went through this process over and over again—consequences and teaching, consequences and teaching. Because the children were young, it sometimes seemed like we weren’t making very good progress in these areas. However, with each advancing year and a backward look, we could see that, step by step, the relationships were improving. The older the children became, the fewer conflicts there were between them and the fewer consequences that were needed.

Dealing on a daily basis with the bickering that can go on between siblings has a way of wearing a mom down. She needs to be dependent on the Lord Jesus Christ and be proactive in teaching the children how to avoid or resolve conflict. As we work with our children in these areas, we are following directives of the Word to bring our children up in both the nurture and the admonition of the Lord.

Bickering, Complaining, and Time Pressure – Part 1

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Recently, I received a request for a Mom’s Corner. Since it asks questions that come up fairly frequently, I thought the e-mail would make a good Mom’s Corner introduction.

“I was just reading your latest Mom’s Corner and was wondering about you addressing something in the future. We are trying to raise five children, ages six years down to eight months, in the way God would want. I am having difficulty with bickering, bickering, and more bickering. The children complain about having to do chores and not getting enough play time because they have to do school. We are homeschooling. I try to explain that we help each other and should treat each other as we would have others treat us. Also of note . . . I feel my time is so divided, especially with twin eight-month-olds. I don’t feel like I have the time to do all the things that need to be done, such as when it comes to get the children to listen and be kind to each other. I know that this should be the priority, but it seems too hard.” Mom to Five

There are three key areas that were addressed in this e-mail that I believe any mom with more than one child will experience. The first has to do with how one deals with continual squabbling between siblings, especially young ones. The second question involves children who complain about having to work and do school. The final one is the mom’s issue rather than the children’s problem, but having children and homeschooling certainly compounds the struggle this mom is experiencing of time pressures.

The heart and root of the children’s difficulties can be nicely addressed during family Bible time. As the family is in the Word every day, Dad can draw the children’s attention to Scripture that applies to the problems at hand. In Steve’s Dad’s Corner this month, he is discussing this same e-mail and how Dad can be a part of the solution. He is giving dads ideas of how they can use family Bible time to help their children spiritually. It is important for Mom to be communicating with Dad the struggles she is seeing in the children’s lives because she is the one who is around the children the most, and she is aware of what is happening in the hearts of the children.

While I believe family Bible time is the starting place for attacking the heart issues that cause both bickering and complaining, we still need to know how to deal with it every time it happens in daily life. A key ingredient in this process is what we, as moms, do with our thoughts when we continually have to face sibling squabbles and a child’s complaining. We have two choices concerning our thoughts. Will we be filled with anger, self pity, and worry? Will we take our thoughts captive? “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

One way to take our thoughts captive is to have correct expectations. Expect that raising children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4) is a long-term process. It is going to take time, consistency, perseverance, prayer, and just plain hard work. Don’t expect that you focus on the problem for a week and then have children who no longer are unkind to each other. Instead be grateful for each situation that arises and the opportunity it affords to pray for, disciple, and correct your children—all important aspects of raising them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. When this is our mindset, it is easier to patiently respond to the situations that arise with the children throughout each day.

“Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us” (Hebrews 12:1). As mothers, bringing up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord is part of the spiritual race that is set before us. We must address the sin in our own lives, and then run that race with patience.

If we are regularly angry with the children over their wrong attitudes, then that is sin in our hearts that we must address. They are simply mirroring what they observe in us. “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

These verses not only tell us that anger is sin, but they also give us an antidote, which is particularly applicable to mothers, for that sin: kindness and tenderheartedness. When a mom is correcting her children for their bickering or complaining, if she will pull the child to her, hug the child, and put a few kisses on him before she begins to deal with the child’s problem, she will find her heart softening toward the child. It will help her not be angry with him and be able to gently admonish him, giving any necessary consequences without being harsh.

Are we crying out to the Lord Jesus for victory over the sin that we know is in our lives? We are dependent on the working of the Holy Spirit in our lives. “Therefore, brethren, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live after the flesh. For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live” (Romans 8:12-13). It is through the Spirit that we take our thoughts captive and mortify the sin in our lives.

There is much more that I would like to share regarding the questions posed in the introductory e-mail of this article. The starting place is family time in the Word that takes Scripture and makes it applicable to the daily problems our children are facing. The next step involves Mom’s expectations of her children and her determination to see this project as a long-term one, which she tackles with perseverance and patience. She has to take her thoughts captive so that she isn’t dwelling on the negative. Then Mom wants to look into her own heart to evaluate whether there is sin in her life that might be contributing to the children’s sin. May we be women who use every difficulty we face to turn our faces to the One Who can help us, Jesus Christ.