Thirty years ago, I wrote the following October Mom’s Corner. At the age of 70, there are no longer children in my home, but the reality of this scenario hasn’t changed. A young, homeschool mom described it to me earlier this week from her life and home. God uses the situations we find difficult for our growth and other’s good. I hope this story from my past will encourage you and spur you to look for those right thoughts when facing discouraging situations.

How Do I Think?

Resting in the quiet of the afternoon following a turbulent morning of peacemaking between Joseph (6), John (4), and Anna (2), I was cuddled up in my recliner chair. A heavy heart, jumbled mind, Bible, and notebook were my companions as my pen titled the page, “Thinking Right Thoughts When Discouraged and Worn Out by My Children’s Unkindness to Each Other.” Five “thoughts” soon filled the recently empty lines.

Number One 

Every mother faces these same problems. Do you take any comfort in knowing my children fuss with each other? As I prayed about the situation, God reminded me every child is just like mine, and every mother must deal with the same things. None of us enjoys having children squabble. I need to change my mindset to expect the unkindness and be thrilled if any kind deed comes from them, rather than expect the kindness and be discouraged when it doesn’t happen.

Number Two

God is developing my character as much as He is working in their lives. We say this often, but I have to keep telling it to myself. God is as much concerned with my learning to be patient, kind, loving, and gentle as He is in my children developing these qualities. What frequent opportunities He gives me to learn them, practice them, and even fail at them (thereby gaining humility and therefore God’s grace through my failures).

Number Three

God is developing my faith, as I trust Him to do this work since I can’t myself. I can consistently train and teach my children. I can be an example to them, but it is God who works in their lives just as He works in mine. Therefore, my eyes must be on my Lord and my faith rooted in His working in their lives in His time. As a mother with both older and younger children I have proof of this as I have seen Nathan, Christopher, and Sarah develop more godly attitudes toward each other as they have grown up.

Number Four

God is teaching me to rest in Him since my strength and will cannot bring it to pass. If I could, I would certainly force my children to have godly attitudes toward each other, and I do try. The truth is I can command some measure of outward conformity to the standard, but I cannot change a selfish heart. God is the One who does that, but He wants me to rest in Him as I wait for His timing. I can even trust that through the bickering He is working good in my life and theirs. 

Number Five

My greatest goal–even more than my goal to have a peaceful home and loving children–needs to be to teach my children to love God. Often the squabbles in our home make me focus more on peace and quiet than on the goal of turning my children’s hearts toward loving their heavenly Father. As we focus on loving God, certainly a by-product of that, in time, will be children who have servant’s hearts and are willing to give up their rights.

I find I can get so overpowered by thoughts and feelings of discouragement that I have to sit down and write truth out, like I did here, to bring my perspective back where it should be. Then I have to control my mind to think these right thoughts when situations arise that trigger discouragement. In the midst of the emotions it is hard for me to do.

Usually, the change in thinking comes when I get down on my knees, cry out to God for His forgiveness for my self-focus, and ask for His help in my thinking truth. I pray each of you will use these situations you face with your children to see the benefits He is working for both you and them.

I have never been interested in gardening, nor have I liked to garden. I tried a vegetable garden many years ago, but bugs and critters gained more benefit from it than our family did. I sometimes get physically sick when I get too hot, and gardening in Kansas involves heat. My back hurts frequently, and being bent over to garden can exasperate the pain. Therefore, I simply purchase our vegetables at the grocery store.

With that background, I want to share a story with you. When one of my daughters was thirteen years old she wanted to garden. So we equipped her with gardening books and gave her a slot in her homeschool schedule to study gardening. The next summer, her dad purchased necessary equipment: seeds, fertilizer, fencing to keep the dog out, mulch, stakes, gardening gloves, and gardening tools.

With summer’s arrival, our daughter planted and started caring for her gardens. One day, I realized that while I was not a gardener, I could help her keep up with both the vegetable and flower gardens. “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour” (Ecclesiastes 4:9). I enlisted myself, and her two younger siblings, for a half hour each morning to work with her. Together we tackled weeding, watering, and deadheading the flowers. The work went quickly, was manageable in half-hour increments in the morning before the worst of the heat set in, and gained us good fellowship time.

After making the plan to garden every morning, I dreaded the thought of spending a half hour a day in the heat, bent over in the dirt with the bugs. However, I wanted to help and encourage my daughter in her gardening skills and in the blessing her work was to our family. That desire overcame my dislike of the task. Do you know what happened in the process? I realized I could go for an early morning walk on a hot Kansas summer morning, come home, get down on my hands and knees, and pull weeds for half an hour, continuously dripping sweat, and survive! Not only did I survive, but I was happy.

I enjoyed the results of our work. I liked spending time with my children, working together. I even developed an interest in the gardening. Every day as we worked together, my daughter thanked her siblings and me for our help. She owned the gardening as her project and was grateful for others pitching in to assist her. We were blessed to give her some encouragement for her investment of time in the family gardening.

I wonder if I might, through that summer gardening experience from my past, encourage others to explore a child’s area of interest with that child. As a homeschool mom, I preferred to be my child’s teacher or learn with her than to send her to someone else for that part of her education. I didn’t know anything about gardening nor did I even like it, but I could find the resources to teach both my daughter and me about gardening. I could give her time to study gardening, plus I could learn right alongside her.

It is important to build and develop relationships with your children. That is a vital part of keeping your children’s hearts. Spending time with them in an area of their interest, learning and working together, is one perfect vehicle for doing this. We are turning our hearts to our children when we do this. “And he shall go before him in the spirit and power of Elias, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just; to make ready a people prepared for the Lord” (Luke 1:17). Not only do you gain the benefits the particular interest affords, but you make precious memories.

As a homeschooling mom, have the perfect opportunity to help and encourage your children in their practical interests. Even if it is an area you dislike, you can choose to set those feelings aside while you plunge into the endeavor with the child. While it is likely you won’t be qualified to be a teacher for every interest, you can be a learner with your child. May you be a mom who steps out of her comfort zone to join her children as they pursue their education in practical areas of interest in their lives.

For many homeschooling families who take a summer break from school, planning for the next academic year is now in process. During our 30 years of homeschooling, I was often asked how I managed to homeschool, be a wife and mother of a large family, and take care of my home. It was a simple answer – a schedule! That was was the mechanism the Lord directed me to use for budgeting my time. It was the greatest practical blessing He gave me to enable fulfillment of the responsibilities He put into my life.

Some would say that the structure of a schedule is too confining. However, in reality the schedule gives freedom. This mom shares her experience with a schedule by describing the benefits she finds in structure versus the negative consequences of a free-spirited lifestyle:

“There will be such freedom once you implement the schedule you’ve decided is best for your family and that the Lord has led you to! It’s easy to listen to the lie from the enemy that just winging it is actually easier, that you’ll have more freedom that way, and that being proactive in your parenting, schooling, and daily life is more work. Really, I’ve found that it’s far harder to REACT all day than to PLAN your routine and rest in it. You’ll have a billion fewer decisions to make, which brings peace, enjoyment of your children, rest in the good things you’re able to teach, and a sense of accomplishment in what you’re able to do in a day.”

A schedule is one of the best ways you have to achieve homeschooling goals and feel encouraged by what you are doing. Perhaps the number-one discourager of homeschooling moms is not accomplishing school and also getting behind in other tasks. A schedule sets aside time for the priorities the Lord has placed into your life.

A schedule is a slave to help you. It is not a slave driver that you are required to obey. You use your schedules to allow you to follow the Lord’s direction for your days. However, when He brings interruptions into your schedule, that schedule helps you deal with them. You know what you can skip and what’s most crucial to your day.

A schedule helps maintain a meek and quiet spirit. There are rewards and consequences built into a schedule that allow you not to be angry with the child who doesn’t apply himself to his task. Instead, you can let the natural consequences take effect and do the work of disciplining and training. For example, math time is in the schedule but your child dawdles that time away. Therefore, he misses playtime, which is also in the schedule later in the day, in order to do his math work. In addition, a schedule should have reward-type activities that, without a schedule, a mom might tell her children they will do when they have time – but that day never arrives. 

One final benefit of a schedule I want to highlight has to do with your summer break from school. I wonder how many reading this article are doing school work through the summer, not by choice, but rather because they haven’t yet completed their year’s worth of work. A schedule freed our family from that tyranny by enabling us to complete all our school work through our normal school year. Then, if we wanted to do any school in the summer, it was bonus work and not necessary-to-finish-the-year work.

I have only scratched the surface of the benefits a schedule can bring to a homeschooling mom and her family. It is my hope and prayer that you will see what a schedule can do for you and choose now to begin planning your schedule for the upcoming school year. If you need help with scheduling, our book Managers of Their Homes will give you step-by-step directions and a scheduling kit to direct you through the scheduling process. If you have used a schedule in the past but have gotten off track, may I encourage you to once again pick up your scheduling pieces and prayerfully plan your schedule. 

Scheduling keeps you obediently following the Lord Jesus. Titus 2:4-5 tells you to love your husband, love your children, and be a keeper at home. For homeschooling moms, you have the added calling to homeschool your children. Your schedule helps you make sure your time usage is lined up with your calling. 

When is the best time to work on chores? I believe summer is the time to put together a chore plan, assign children chores, teach them how to do their chores, and practice. Especially for homeschooling moms, the slower pace of summer affords valuable time for a chore emphasis that isn’t available during the school year. Plus with diligence and purpose for chores in the summer, your home maintenance should be as efficient as possible freeing time for other pursuits.

PUT TOGETHER A CHILDREN’S SUMMER CHORE PLAN

You are the best one to design a summer chore plan for your children. Commit that plan to paper. It has to be something you can look at and refer to, not something stored in your head! Think through the chores that need to be accomplished in your home and make a list of what comes to mind. You can add to it and refine it as you go. Start basic. Just get the critical chores written down. 

Be sure your children are accomplishing tasks that involve their self care such as making their beds, picking up their toys and clothes and putting them away, and helping in the kitchen. You will not only have chore help now, but you are preparing your children to handle responsibility throughout their lives.

ASSIGN CHILDREN CHORES

Next decide who can do the chore. If you have children helping with chores, plan for the youngest child who is capable to do the chore. Is it time for an older child to hand a chore over to a younger sibling? Perhaps the older child is ready to move into a higher skilled chore. When putting together your children’s summer chore plan, this information is necessary.

TEACH CHILDREN THEIR CHORES

Then work with your children to teach them to do their chores this summer. If you spend a few days teaching and then supervising bed making, your children will soon be proficient at it. The same goes for folding laundry or any other chore. First demonstrate, then work with the child, finally observe them doing it on their own. 

It is easier and quicker to do it ourselves when our children are just maturing to a capable age for a chore. In the long run, however, you are wise to invest in teaching your children to do chores. Remember you need help now, and they need to be able to function efficiently with chore work as adults. Their future husbands and wives will bless you for it.

SCHEDULE CHORES

Finally a great chore plan and children who know what to do doesn’t gain anticipated benefits unless you have a schedule in place. You want a summer schedule that allows time at the appropriate spot in the day for your children to do those chores. Usually chores fit naturally around meal times and before bed. On your written list be sure to put down the scheduled time for each chore. 

You will have to choose to be diligent to enforce that chore block on the schedule. Don’t expect your children to be enthusiastic about their work and rush to do it on their own. I think you can affect their attitudes by your own attitude toward your household chores. The more positive you are about your work, the more they will be about theirs. Dealing with their failures in a pleasant but firm manner, more quickly marches you forward with chore success. 

REDEEMING TIME THIS SUMMER

“Redeeming the time, because the days are evil” (Ephesians 5:16). I can’t help but wonder if one way we can redeem time to invest in what is of eternal value to the kingdom of God is to have a home that functions efficiently and children who are being trained to be adults. The more chaos in a home, the more time it sucks from all the family members. We want to spend as little time as possible on household tasks so we have more time to serve the Lord in other ministry. Invest this summer in a children’s chore system and redeem the time.

If you need help with a chore plan, I recommend our book Managers of Their Chores. In that book, I take you step by step through putting together a chore system. 

Other Titus2 chore articles:

Children’s Chores

Summer Schedules and Chores

Benefiting from Summer Chores

I expect any family that has more than one child has faced sibling squabbles. We want our children to grow up to be best friends, but when there is negativism between them as children we might wonder whether it’s possible. Perhaps those sibling squabbles have moved from words to being physical.

SCRIPTURE APPLIES TO CHILDREN FIGHTING

As we were raising our children, to prevent them from being physically—or even verbally—unkind to each other, we talked about the things the Lord would want from them in their interactions with each other. We discussed verses like this one: “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32).

From that verse, we could cover sharing toys, not taking something a sibling is playing with, speaking sweetly to each other, and never hurting a brother or sister. We could also move into what reaction the child should have if a sibling did something unkind to him. I would encourage the children not to physically react but rather to be kind and to forgive.

THE GOLDEN RULE

Quite often, we would talk to the children about this verse: “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12). I asked them to think before they acted, considering how they would feel if a sibling did to them what they were planning to do to the sibling. We had one child who took this verse and misapplied it by saying, “Since you did this to me, I will do it to you.” Of course, we then talked about how that was not what the verse was teaching nor what the Lord Jesus would want.

SIBLINGS IN UNITY

We liked and used the verse, “Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!” (Psalm 133:1) We told our children that not only does it please God when they are kind to each other, but it also is good and pleasant for the whole family. We explained that they would be much happier when they were getting along throughout the day. Squabbles and fighting are simply not much fun. We also let them know that it was what Mommy and Daddy wanted for them and for our family. We discussed the special relationships that they had with each other and how they wanted to build those relationships rather than tear them down.

FAMILY BIBLE TIME

Family Bible time was a perfect opportunity to teach our children that God’s ways for their behavior were loving kindness, gentleness, and giving, not fighting, hitting, pushing, pinching, or biting. Our little children could understand those concepts pretty early, even if they weren’t very good at applying them. We knew that the repetition of God’s truths to their hearts would reap a harvest. We liked discussing positive behavior in light of the Bible at family Bible time because at that moment no one was in trouble for doing something they shouldn’t do, no one was tattling on a sibling, and no one was making excuses for what they did. It was neutral turf and generated open spirits.

CHILDREN ROLE-PLAYING THE RIGHT WAY

To prevent the physical aggression between the children, we also role-played a negative situation that had just occurred. I would recreate what happened and then ask the children what they could have done that would have been more loving. Sometimes they said they had no idea, but usually they were aware that their response had not been a good one. We might even practice redoing the event two or three times in the positive way.

SCHEDULES KEEP CHILDREN PRODUCTIVELY OCCUPIED

The final thing we did to prevent the aggression between brothers and sisters that is typical in little children was to utilize a daily schedule. The schedule brought order to the day. With that order came productive activities for the children. When they were doing their chores, there was less opportunity for problems between the children. When there were creative activities on the schedule, or older siblings scheduled to play with them, the bickering and fighting subsided. The more the little children were left to their own means, the more they seemed to do what they shouldn’t do.

In the end, we were all much happier when we were using our schedule, and that is what I hear from many moms when they get their schedules up and running. They usually want the schedule because they need the productivity it brings to their days. However, they are amazed at the peace in the home, including between the children, that ensues when they simply utilize a schedule.

PREVENTING SIBLING FIGHTING TAKES TIME

Undergirding all of the things we tried in order to prevent our children from hurting each other was prayer—for them, and for us as we taught and worked with them.

Obviously, to pray for your children, to teach them loving behavior, to share applicable Scripture with them and discuss it, to have family Bible time, and to role-play appropriate responses, takes time. That is another reason why a schedule is so beneficial in preventing physical aggression between children.

I encourage young moms to invest the necessary time into working with their children, to help them away from lashing out physically at their siblings when they are unhappy and to direct them to kind responses.

As I read the beginning of 1 Samuel recently, there was a lesson from Hannah that stood out to me. It wasn’t the one we often think about when we consider Hannah praying for a baby and then God answering that prayer. This lesson revolved around control or better put, lack of control, and then complete faith with a living trust in God.

If you aren’t familiar with the story of Hannah, you can read it in 1 Samuel chapter one. In Hannah’s desire for a son, this is what she prays: “And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the LORD, and wept sore. And she vowed a vow, and said, O LORD of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the LORD all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head” (1 Samuel 1:10-11). 

When Hannah prayed that prayer, she literally meant she would physically give her son to the Lord by letting the priest raise him. When God gave Hannah her son, after he was weaned, she took him to the priest and left him there. At that moment she lost all personal control of her son’s life while he was still a very young child. All she had to keep her from falling apart over that was faith in God and trust that He was in control. 

I think most moms, whether their children are young or adults, tend to worry anytime things are happening that are out of Mom’s control. It might be a child’s illness, a teen’s rebellion, a young adult walking away from the Lord, or adult children making, at least in Mom’s opinion, bad decisions. There are just so many things that cause us concern and are out of our control.

Hannah loses all control over her son, and here’s what she does at that point. She prays. What does she pray? I would have thought she would implore God to take care of her son, to watch over him in her absence, to help him learn to walk uprightly with God, to grow in stature and wisdom, to be healthy – al the things mothers pray for their children. But no! That’s not her prayer. Instead her prayer is all about God. She exalts and worships God! Nine verses of her prayer are recorded in 1 Samuel 2: 1-9. Here is the first part: “And Hannah prayed, and said,  My heart rejoiceth in the LORD,  mine horn is exalted in the LORD:  my mouth is enlarged over mine enemies;  because I rejoice in thy salvation” (1 Samuel 2:1).

That’s where I believe our lesson comes. We let go. We truly let go, not still trying to control by always praying for how and what we think should happen. We let go by focusing on God, worshipping Him, and walking in faith and trust. 

I am not saying we don’t pray at all about our concerns, but I am suggesting that we learn from Hannah not to make that the overriding emphasis of our prayers. Instead how about lifting those cares to Him, “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Then move to praising the One Who takes care of all those cares you cast on Him. “I will extol thee, my God, O king; and I will bless thy name for ever and ever. Every day will I bless thee; and I will praise thy name for ever and ever. Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised; and his greatness is unsearchable” (Psalms 145:1-3). 

Try it. See what happens.

Last month we talked about our struggle with self-discipline, and this month we discuss helping our children learn self-discipline. Perhaps if we make self-discipline a teaching goal, our children, as adults, won’t struggle with it as some of us have struggled with it. “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

Our culture has become ingrained with the philosophy of “let children be children.” This sounds great, but what is the long-term outcome? — adult children with little, if any, self-discipline. We certainly don’t want to rob a child of his childhood, but at the same time a parent’s job is to prepare that child for life. If all a child ever does is to play, he will not acquire the needed skills and the self-discipline that equip him to be successful in his adult years. This is quite evident in the lives of many moms who are dealing with their own self-discipline problems. This character, ability, or skill—whatever you want to call it—was not nurtured, encouraged, and grown in childhood.

Several years ago, we did a survey to collect information for our Managers of Their Chores book. We were surprised by the results. Seventy percent of the moms who responded said they weren’t prepared for their roles as wives and mothers. They attributed that to not having to do chores as a child. The thirty percent who indicated they were prepared for being wives and mothers said it was because of their parents’ persistence in giving them chores and making sure they were done. When one evaluates this in light of the problems homeschooling moms have with self-discipline, the connection is quite amazing. What would the outcome have been in these moms’ lives had their parents thought chores were a benefit for their children and been committed to helping them learn to handle that responsibility? I believe it is likely that the self-discipline needed to manage a home and homeschool would have been developed in these girls’ lives.

If we want to help avoid difficulties with self-discipline for our children when they become adults, we need to base parenting decisions on a goal of raising a self-disciplined adult. This means giving our children age-appropriate responsibilities and helping them begin to develop the thought processes necessary for self-discipline. It starts from the very simple: requiring the child to get up in the morning when he is awakened plus communicating to the child why this is important.

The children will have chores assigned to them throughout the day. There will be times when they are expected to stop their play to do their chores. We will ask our children to do a quality job in their chores, helping them develop a mind toward doing things well. We want to challenge them to tasks that cause them to have to apply self-discipline. We will seek rather than avoid opportunities to develop self-discipline because we desire that our children grow up to be self-disciplined adults. These years, while your children are in your home, provide you with occasions to help them in this area rather than letting them flounder in their adult years without the self-discipline they will so greatly need and want.

Be committed to applying the time and effort into your children’s chore system as you consider the benefits in it that go beyond simply accomplishing what needs to be done in your home. Realize that working toward the children’s diligence and self-sufficiency in their chores helps them with practical skills for their adult lives. It also develops self-discipline they need in any area the Lord Jesus calls them to. View this as a necessary part of your day. “That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth; that our daughters may be as corner stones, polished after the similitude of a palace” (Psalms 144: 12). 

If you need help with a chore system for your children, Managers of Their Chores is a good resource for you