Category Archives: Child Training

Not in Control

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As I read the beginning of 1 Samuel recently, there was a lesson from Hannah that stood out to me. It wasn’t the one we often think about when we consider Hannah praying for a baby and then God answering that prayer. This lesson revolved around control or better put, lack of control, and then complete faith with a living trust in God.

If you aren’t familiar with the story of Hannah, you can read it in 1 Samuel chapter one. In Hannah’s desire for a son, this is what she prays: “And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the LORD, and wept sore. And she vowed a vow, and said, O LORD of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the LORD all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head” (1 Samuel 1:10-11). 

When Hannah prayed that prayer, she literally meant she would physically give her son to the Lord by letting the priest raise him. When God gave Hannah her son, after he was weaned, she took him to the priest and left him there. At that moment she lost all personal control of her son’s life while he was still a very young child. All she had to keep her from falling apart over that was faith in God and trust that He was in control. 

I think most moms, whether their children are young or adults, tend to worry anytime things are happening that are out of Mom’s control. It might be a child’s illness, a teen’s rebellion, a young adult walking away from the Lord, or adult children making, at least in Mom’s opinion, bad decisions. There are just so many things that cause us concern and are out of our control.

Hannah loses all control over her son, and here’s what she does at that point. She prays. What does she pray? I would have thought she would implore God to take care of her son, to watch over him in her absence, to help him learn to walk uprightly with God, to grow in stature and wisdom, to be healthy – al the things mothers pray for their children. But no! That’s not her prayer. Instead her prayer is all about God. She exalts and worships God! Nine verses of her prayer are recorded in 1 Samuel 2: 1-9. Here is the first part: “And Hannah prayed, and said,  My heart rejoiceth in the LORD,  mine horn is exalted in the LORD:  my mouth is enlarged over mine enemies;  because I rejoice in thy salvation” (1 Samuel 2:1).

That’s where I believe our lesson comes. We let go. We truly let go, not still trying to control by always praying for how and what we think should happen. We let go by focusing on God, worshipping Him, and walking in faith and trust. 

I am not saying we don’t pray at all about our concerns, but I am suggesting that we learn from Hannah not to make that the overriding emphasis of our prayers. Instead how about lifting those cares to Him, “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Then move to praising the One Who takes care of all those cares you cast on Him. “I will extol thee, my God, O king; and I will bless thy name for ever and ever. Every day will I bless thee; and I will praise thy name for ever and ever. Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised; and his greatness is unsearchable” (Psalms 145:1-3). 

Try it. See what happens.

How Many Times?

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“How many times do I have to tell you?” Surely every parent has said that to a child at least once. Yet, the whiney reply was, “I don’t know how.” Think about it. Rational parents do not tell a child to do something that he doesn’t know how to do. Another response was, “It’s too hard!!!!” We aren’t going to tell him to do something he isn’t capable of doing. 

Do we ever act like that? Sadly, I admit guilt. As we read the New Testament with its over 1,000 commands, we encounter some where we think, “I don’t know how to do that,” or maybe more common, “Oh Lord, I can’t!!” In one sense that is true. In our own abilities, many commands we can’t do with a right heart. Yet He commands. He can command because He is the One Who enables. He is the One Who works within us. We believe, and we obey, by His grace, for His glory. 

“Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is wellpleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen” (Hebrews 13:20-21).

Aim High

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Who do your kids want to be like when they grow up? Much of who they want to be, depends on who they are around/exposed to now. It may be people they know in person, or those in media, sports, or books. 

Worthwhile to consider and also with significant bearing on your children’s desires are “who” you want to be. Regardless of how old you are, each of us has goals and ideals, some high and some low.Like our children, these goals are affected by the influences in your life (work, sports, movies, TV, media, books, Bible, church). Once something is in your mind, you don’t easily remove it. Therefore, what is worldly and negative, avoid, and what is edifying, embrace. 

Brothers, Satan wants to take you down. “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world”(1 Peter 5:8-9). 

What is important to you is key. How much are you in the Word and want to please the  One Who purchased you? “Wherefore, beloved, seeing that ye look for such things, be diligent that ye may be found of him in peace, without spot, and blameless” (2 Peter 3:14).

 Who you are and what you are aiming for with your life has profound impact on your children. “Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.”(1 Corinthians 15:58).

Self Discipline for Our Children

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Last month we talked about our struggle with self-discipline, and this month we discuss helping our children learn self-discipline. Perhaps if we make self-discipline a teaching goal, our children, as adults, won’t struggle with it as some of us have struggled with it. “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

Our culture has become ingrained with the philosophy of “let children be children.” This sounds great, but what is the long-term outcome? — adult children with little, if any, self-discipline. We certainly don’t want to rob a child of his childhood, but at the same time a parent’s job is to prepare that child for life. If all a child ever does is to play, he will not acquire the needed skills and the self-discipline that equip him to be successful in his adult years. This is quite evident in the lives of many moms who are dealing with their own self-discipline problems. This character, ability, or skill—whatever you want to call it—was not nurtured, encouraged, and grown in childhood.

Several years ago, we did a survey to collect information for our Managers of Their Chores book. We were surprised by the results. Seventy percent of the moms who responded said they weren’t prepared for their roles as wives and mothers. They attributed that to not having to do chores as a child. The thirty percent who indicated they were prepared for being wives and mothers said it was because of their parents’ persistence in giving them chores and making sure they were done. When one evaluates this in light of the problems homeschooling moms have with self-discipline, the connection is quite amazing. What would the outcome have been in these moms’ lives had their parents thought chores were a benefit for their children and been committed to helping them learn to handle that responsibility? I believe it is likely that the self-discipline needed to manage a home and homeschool would have been developed in these girls’ lives.

If we want to help avoid difficulties with self-discipline for our children when they become adults, we need to base parenting decisions on a goal of raising a self-disciplined adult. This means giving our children age-appropriate responsibilities and helping them begin to develop the thought processes necessary for self-discipline. It starts from the very simple: requiring the child to get up in the morning when he is awakened plus communicating to the child why this is important.

The children will have chores assigned to them throughout the day. There will be times when they are expected to stop their play to do their chores. We will ask our children to do a quality job in their chores, helping them develop a mind toward doing things well. We want to challenge them to tasks that cause them to have to apply self-discipline. We will seek rather than avoid opportunities to develop self-discipline because we desire that our children grow up to be self-disciplined adults. These years, while your children are in your home, provide you with occasions to help them in this area rather than letting them flounder in their adult years without the self-discipline they will so greatly need and want.

Be committed to applying the time and effort into your children’s chore system as you consider the benefits in it that go beyond simply accomplishing what needs to be done in your home. Realize that working toward the children’s diligence and self-sufficiency in their chores helps them with practical skills for their adult lives. It also develops self-discipline they need in any area the Lord Jesus calls them to. View this as a necessary part of your day. “That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth; that our daughters may be as corner stones, polished after the similitude of a palace” (Psalms 144: 12). 

If you need help with a chore system for your children, Managers of Their Chores is a good resource for you

Let There Be Light

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Shopping for light bulbs these days is not what it was years ago. You used to pick wattage and your brand. Today, you choose the type: incandescent, halogen, compact fluorescent (CFL), light-emitting diode (LED), brightness, color temperature (daylight, bright and sunlight) and wattage. Yikes, isn’t light – light? Not anymore. 

“Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life” (John 8:12). When Jesus came into my life, oh how the light dawned into the darkness. “That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world” (John 1:9-10). I had believed in Jesus before being born again, but when I repented and placed my faith in Jesus dying for my sins and received Him as Lord, oh, oh, the change that began in my life. The light of Christ exposed and drove out the darkness, even though I would not have described it as such. 

Oh, my Brothers, what sort of light do you want today? The light many (most?) churches present is similar to choosing lightbulbs. So much fake, worldly light available that doesn’t change lives, expose sin and move a person towards true salvation and holiness. Certainly, there still are some Bible preaching churches representing a holy, righteous God, but that sort make people uncomfortable who are unwilling to forsake their worldly life. Oh Brothers, we live for Him Who died for us. 

A Treasure

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I am sitting on a treasure. It’s probably 20 years old. It is very worn, dumpy looking, and doesn’t work very well. I can’t sell it because no one would buy it, and so it is headed for the dump in the next two weeks. It is my old recliner chair. 

Why do I consider it a treasure? It was far more than my favorite chair in the evenings. It was never used for viewing entertainment, but rather for mining gold. “Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her” (Proverbs 3:13-15). Oh how sweet mining gold during family Bible time every night. 

This chair is a special reminder of those times, as for years and years one of the children would sit on the right arm of the chair with me as we read the Bible each night. Like most recliners, the arms have a wooden frame and ample foam on them making them comfortable. However when a child sat on the arm every night, that foam took a beating. It was designed to support the occupant’s arm, not the weight on a child. All that is left now on that arm is the fabric covered wooden frame. It is beautifully ugly to me. It is a treasure of memories of those precious nights, one after the other in God’s Word with one of my gifts from God, sitting beside me, participating in family Bible time. It brings water to my eyes. 

Oh my brothers, I plead with you. Be in the Word every night with your family. The world feeds on sewage in the evening while we feed on the precious Word of God. 

“How sweet are thy words unto my taste! yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth” (Psalms 119:103)!

Growing

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There is an area on the garage wall that is marked by many precious memories. Drawing closer and closer, you will be able to read the very small writing. There is name and a date, written next to a horizontal line. There are many such markings documenting children’s growth through the years. Those markings are very special to me because they reflect the growth of our children and a number of grandchildren. 

Physical growth is special, but even more precious is spiritual birth and ensuing growth. The biblical term for growing in Christ-likeness is sanctification.  Physical growth is fairly easy given normal health and feeding. Sanctification however is a whole different process. 

First, it isn’t automatic like physical growth. Sanctification must be purposeful. I expect most have met people who said they were believers, yet their life did not back up their words. Usually, when someone comes to Christ, they do not have a life that resembles a Christian. Sanctification is a process that takes time and doing things that spur spiritual growth. Often someone might say to me, “I got saved a long time ago.” But as they share their life, there is no evidence of sanctification. When I probe a bit, I find out they don’t read a Bible, they don’t go to church, and they have no desire for growth in Christ.

“And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 1:5-8).

We must be purposeful in learning of Christ, and living for Him Who died for us. Then, we strive to lead our children so that once saved, they grow in Christ as well. 

Seems Like a Good Idea

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Have you noticed how most houses have at least one tree in the front yard? It provides some shade and adds to curb appeal. Either the houses we moved into had one, or we planted one for the reasons above. However, I am now aware of a big reason not to have a tree in the front yard. 

For most homes in cities, the sewer line runs out under the front yard 12 to 15 feet underground. In an average size home, the tree is not far from the sewer line. Trees need water, and their roots grow down and out in search of water. Especially in times of drought, those roots will find any crack or small breach in the sewer line. Then the tree’s happiness is proportionate with the homeowner’s displeasure as his sewer backs up due to the thirsty roots. 

What a fitting analogy to the wicked desires of the flesh. The flesh craves the filth of this world. It’s so subtile and will relentlessly seek to satisfy it’s desires. The filth is near and downward, never upwards. It looks innocent on the surface (simple entertainment), but it carries out its work out of sight. 

Walk in the Spirit, not in legalism but out of a sincere heart for loving the One Who died for us. We live to please Him “No man that warreth entangleth himself with the affairs of this life; that he may please him who hath chosen him to be a soldier” (2 Tim 2:4), and therefore hate evil. “The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth” (Psalms 11:5).

Doesn’t the following sound like it could be a description for what’s on normal TV programming or movies each night? “Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God” (Galatians 5:19-21).

A New Perspective

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Do you remember the first time you looked at something through a magnifying glass? I don’t remember the specifics, but I do remember being in awe at seeing details that I hadn’t dreamed existed. It brought a whole new understanding and appreciation. The greater the magnification, the more the amazement in what I was looking at. Magnification doesn’t change the object. It just enables us to see details that weren’t obvious under normal viewing. 

“O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together” (Psalms 34:3). We don’t use the word magnify any more in a nonvisual context. Therefore, to encounter it in Psalms 34:3, it is easy to lose some of the impact in this incredible verse. I love David’s invitation for us to magnify and exalt God’s name together. Take that to heart my brothers. 

We are to be the curved glass that brings the details of God into clear view for others. Wherever you are — home, at church or around others — share the Lord’s goodness, mercy, love, grace, patience, holiness, and righteousness. Share the details about our mighty God so that others can come to “see” Who He is more clearly and understand how wonderful our God is. Love Him. Elevate Him. Today when our God is considered by most to be simply (yawn) the “the man upstairs,” they need to hear that He is righteous and holy. He hates sin so much He would sacrifice His own Son as payment for our sin. If that isn’t worthy of magnifying so others can see Him, nothing is.  

In a day when it appears that less and less churches magnify the Lord, your children need a dad who magnifies the God and Creator to them. 

“I will praise the name of God with a song, and will magnify him with thanksgiving” (Psalms 69:30).

SIMPLE BUT STRATEGIC WAYS TO TAKE THE STRESS OUT OF CHRISTMAS

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While most of us love the Christmas season, sometimes all the busyness, activities, and things that must be done put us into overload mode. Stress levels rise, and instead of a joyful season of worshipping Christ our Savior, we become crazy women running to and fro, impatient and frustrated. That sure isn’t my picture of a godly, Christian woman, and I don’t want it to characterize my life during the weeks that are so precious in my year. So how can we take the stress out of the Christmas season?

1. REST IN THE LORD

Perhaps the greatest stress reliever is to remember the words of Christ Himself. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). During the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, are we truly coming to Him? Are we continuing in our daily time to worship Him through reading His Word and praying? 

2. WRITE IT DOWN

Write down what you want to do during the Christmas season. Often stress overwhelms us when our minds are trying to track, manage, remember, and juggle all that needs to be done. Our memory becomes so full of all the “stuff,” that we can’t handle it. When you write it down, relief descends. It is in a safe place to be retrieved and referred to. 

3. PARE DOWN

The third thing you can do to help relieve holiday stress is to pare down. Once you have that list, determine activities or duties that are no longer a priority. Just because you have always done it, doesn’t mean that you have to keep doing it.
What Christmas activities draw your heart to Jesus? Which ones share Him with others? Which ones teach your children to love, that it is better to give than to receive, or to worship Christ? I would rather have a peaceful heart and do half as many Christ-related traditions and activities than to do the full measure of them stressed. 

4. PLAN

Next, you take the pared-down, prioritized list of Christmas activities and write out steps needed to accomplish each one. Perhaps there are supplies to be purchased and gathered. Maybe a date should be put on the calendar to reserve the time. It could be that others are to be invited.

5. DEDICATE TIME

Even with the best-prioritized, planned list of Christmas activities, if you don’t have any time to do them, you feel stressed. How does a busy mom find time for doing more than she currently does in her normal daily life?

Start with just one hour per day in the month of December for Christmas preparations—a specific hour that you know you can consistently be committed to keeping. If you are a homeschool mom, shorten your school day by one hour for the month of December to accommodate. You will be pleasantly surprised with the progress you can make on things like Christmas cards or letters, online gift shopping, gift wrapping, meal planning, and make-ahead baking in just one hour.

With available time, look at your lists and steps, and choose what you will tackle during that time frame.

CHOOSE TO DESTRESS

Christmas is the last time of year when you want to be a stressed woman. This Christmas season would you choose to set aside Christmas stress and pick up the joy, peace, and rest of the Savior?

Here are four resources that I recommend to help you with holiday de-stressing or any-time-of-the-year de-stressing:

Managers of Their Homes
Managers of Their Chores
Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit
Sweet Journey