All posts by Teri Maxwell

Teri Maxwell is wife to Steve for over 40 years, mom to eight children (three married), and grandma to eight. She loves keeping her home running smoothly and sharing with women in the vein of Titus 2:4&5. Teri homeschooled for thirty years, and she's graduated all her children. In between her other responsibilities, she manages to squeeze in writing time. She is co-author of the popular Managers of Their Homes and Managers of Their Chores. In addition, Teri's written three books just for ladies Homeschooling with a Meek & Quiet Spirit, Sweet Journey, and Sweet Relationships. She has been writing monthly encouragement articles for homeschool moms for 25 years. Find more information on Teri Maxwell and her books.

Worthwhile Toys or Should it Be Tools?

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Regularly I receive e-mails requesting that I write a Mom’s Corner on a specific topic. Here is part of one such note:

There were a couple of areas I would really appreciate Teri tackling in future Corners. One area has to do with toys and suggestions for timeless, durable, worthwhile toys.

With Christmas quickly approaching, I thought this might be an appropriate subject for the December Mom’s Corner. Considering we have eight children in one family, we have had plenty of experience with toys!

Let me begin by sharing some of our goals for our children’s playtime that in turn translate into goals for toys. As we began our parenting adventure, Steve and I did not realize that the toys our children played with had an influence on their character development and even their future appetites. If we allowed the children to have a toy with an evil face, they played with it as an evil individual and their play took on an evil bent. If we gave our children an electronic game, they spent hours sitting and playing with it. They lost interest in any type of active or creative play. Your goals, even for how your child spends his playtime, are important.

We choose to shield our children from as much worldliness as possible. 1 John 2:15 tells us: “Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” Therefore, we desire that our children be involved in pure, wholesome types of play. For example, we give the girls baby dolls rather than Barbie dolls. We would like for our daughters to desire to be nurturing mommies rather than possibly giving them a hunger for dating relationships.

We want the children to develop skills while they are playing. That means we will invest in puzzles, games, quality reading books, and even tools. Creativity is on our list of goals for playtime. Therefore, we avoid electronic toys with lots of “bells and whistles”—the kind with a never-ending thirst for batteries. In addition, we choose to avoid toys that are faddish. We didn’t have to decide if some of the Star Wars toys were okay or not. They fit into the category of faddish and therefore weren’t even considered.

We desire for the children to be developing hearts toward families and service even while they are playing. This, then, needs to be taken into consideration when we are picking out toys. Will this toy help my child toward the goal or hinder him?

Trikes

Tricycles. We would much rather our children ride trikes for outside playtime than to ride around in a battery-operated sidewalk vehicle. Outside play is the time for exercise to build strong bodies and release energy!

Educational Games

Playing educational games is an activity I enjoy doing with my children. I feel like my time spent with them is not only quality time, but also time invested in their future. I schedule a half hour each afternoon to spend with just one child. We almost always use this time to play games together. Here are our favorites.

Takeoff. Takeoff is a game that teaches the names of countries, their major cities, and flags. Even my six-year-old can play it with a little bit of help. There is some strategy, but not much. My children will often beat me!

Muggins Math games. We have Knockout and Muggins. It is a two-sided wooden game board using marbles, numbered dice, and numbered game-board holes. Any child who is able to add and subtract can play these games. All of my children regularly request this game, even the one who can’t add or subtract. “You tell me where to put my marbles, Mommy,” she says.

Sum Swamp. Sum Swamp is a board game for children learning to add and subtract. It has cute little plastic swamp characters such as a frog and snail for game pieces. We have played this game so much that the numbers have worn off the dice.

Name That State. Name That State is a board game to teach the names of states and capitals. The younger children simply have to name the state. Older children and Mom have to give the state and its capital. They love it when Mom can’t remember the capital of Vermont or South Dakota!

Puzzles

Each year when I order school curriculum, I also order two to four new puzzles for the preschoolers. I have a wonderful collection of puzzles that my children love to work. Most are floor puzzles. We have puzzles of varying levels of difficulty. Some of the puzzles make for playtime after they are put together. One is a city just the right size for Matchbox cars. Several become props for other play. One is a rainforest. As we put it together, John will say, “Mom, what is this animal?”

“Well, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anything like that. Let’s look inside the box where it shows all the animals with their names on them.”

Our puzzles are kept in a closet, and they are only allowed out by permission. That helps to preserve them and to keep interest in them high each time they come out. I expect to have my puzzles be regularly asked for by my grandchildren in future years when they are at my house!

Legos and Playmobils

Legos are the timeworn standard in the Maxwell house. Sons and daughters, older and younger play with them day after day after day. We purchase the city, police, fire, rescue, and arctic sets. There are many sets that aren’t acceptable to our family’s standards. Usually this is because of an evil theme, or because they encourage play that we wouldn’t allow in real life. We were even able to purchase a large wooden display table from a store going out of business so the children can keep permanent Lego set-ups.

The children have spent hours and hours of playtime during cold winter and hot summer days with their Legos. They build and build; then they enjoy what they have made. The buildings and vehicles are redesigned and rearranged. A new play theme is begun. While many toys the children have had stay stuffed on a shelf, Legos are forever used in our home.

Playmobils are the second long-standing favorite of our children. While the sets are expensive, they are played with for years and years. We often rotate having Playmobils out or Legos. Every few months when the changeover occurs, the children will have an added excitement in their play.

As our boys enter their middle elementary grades, we begin looking for tools we can give them as gifts. Because we are training our children for their lives as adults, we want them to begin to see value in work and find it rewarding, even as a child. Our boys are given age-appropriate work tools such as hammers, screwdrivers, and even cordless drills. Of course, it is important to use discretion as to when a child is mature enough to safely handle the tool he would be given. Also, rules as to the tool’s usage and adult supervision while the child is handling it are musts!

One year when John was seven and Joseph was nine, they were each given a cordless drill for Christmas. They were thrilled. Steve had a project planned for after Christmas that he knew they could help him with, using their new drills. Over the past three years they have used them often in other work projects with their dad. They have even been able to loan them to their big brother for work on his house.

By giving your son tools, he will learn valuable home-maintenance skills, develop a willingness to work, build his personal tool supply, and have as much fun as playing. Collecting tools will provide a young man with the supplies he needs to help him maintain his home, yard, and vehicle when he is married with a home of his own.

Set Your Goals and Make Your Choices

Our children have grown up without television. They have enjoyed parental sheltering even in the toys they are allowed to play with. While some would mock such choices, we are watching pure, wholesome, delightful children grow into the same kinds of adults. Appetites are developed in childhood. Consider well what appetites the toys you are giving to your children fuel within them. May I encourage you to pray and seek the Lord for the biblical goals He would give you for your children’s playtimes. Then translate those goals into the toys you allow your children to have.

Hard Work, Taking Thoughts Captive – Part 2

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The tasks set before a Christian wife and mother are high callings from the Lord. While they can involve a great deal of hard work, we want to embrace our jobs with joy. In last month’s Mom’s Corner I discussed this part of the workload of being a mother. Now let’s look at some of the practical aspects. Are there ways to manage our workload and perhaps even lighten it?

I simply cannot speak highly enough of the benefits a schedule brings to a mom in her ability to keep up with life. I knew a daily schedule helped me immensely. However, since the publication of our book on scheduling (Managers of Their Homes), I have heard the same thing from many other moms who have begun to schedule their days.

While I am not going to try to recap all that is in Managers of Their Homes, let me share with you a few benefits a schedule has that apply to a mother’s workload. First, your schedule makes you more productive. You know what to do throughout each scheduled segment of the day, so you are not wasting time trying to decide what to do or simply doing nothing because it all looks too overwhelming.

You can schedule time to accomplish your work tasks, but you can also schedule in time for other priorities. This should most importantly include daily time with the Lord. Other scheduled personal-time activities might be exercising, crafting, reading, or napping. With a schedule making you more productive, you might discover you actually have time for projects you would like to accomplish. Plus, it is put into your schedule to assure it happens!

A schedule causes you to realistically evaluate what you can and can’t do. A mom who is away from home a great deal may have trouble keeping up. This could make her believe her workload is too great. If you are trying to do too much within the home, you will have the same struggle. Putting all you would like to accomplish on paper brings a level of realism that isn’t found any other way. If the planning stages of a schedule cause you to see that you have more to do than time to do it, taking the problem back to the Lord and to your husband may help you know what you can release.

It is imperative that a mom gets the amount of sleep she needs if she is to have any hope of keeping up with her work and having the right attitude toward it. It is tempting to continue working until way past a reasonable bedtime, night after night, in an effort to accomplish all we “think” needs to be done. On the other hand, we may find ourselves so exhausted we do nothing productive in the evening, but neither do we go to bed to get needed sleep. When we are tired, everything looks overwhelming!

We will do our families and ourselves much good if we take our thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). All the “I-have-to-do-this-before-I-can-stop” thoughts that cause us not to go to bed at night need to be taken captive to the truth that our sleep is more important. When we are well rested, no matter how much work we have to do or how busy we are, our spirits will deal with it in a much better manner than when we are tired.

Please, please schedule a nap each afternoon if you are not able to get the amount of sleep at night that you need. Perhaps you have a nursing baby with whom you are up one or more times in the night. Maybe you go to bed later than you would choose because that is your husband’s preference. Whatever the reason, if those nights are shorter than the sleep your body requires, have a nap scheduled for the afternoon.

Schedule exercise time into your day even if you don’t think you can afford the time. You will discover that the minutes spent exercising will multiply themselves many times over in your energy level. When you are feeling better, you will be able to accomplish more and keep up better with the work of being a wife and mother.

Sometimes I ask Steve for help. I am designed by God to be Steve’s helpmeet. There are times, though, when I simply request that Steve help bail me out of what have become overwhelming circumstances to me. This might mean that he says “no” to some tasks I have thought I could keep up with. It could be that he will physically pitch in and help make dinner or clean up. He could even send me to bed for some added sleep!

Be sure to train your children to help. You are not robbing your child of his childhood by doing this. You are preparing him for life. I hear over and over again of moms who say they were not taught as children how to care for household responsibilities. We also are very aware that many men do not know how to help their wives because household chores were never required of them as they were growing up. If you teach your children basic home duties, not only are they lightening your workload, they are also being prepared for life.

Stay home more! It is extremely hard to keep up at home if you are frequently away. Somehow, once we leave home for a meeting, Bible study, activity, trip to the store, or whatever it might be, we don’t have the same energy level and momentum for doing our home tasks as we have on the days we stay home. In addition, by being away from home we lose many, many hours that could have been used to accomplish our work. I cannot overstate the importance of limiting outside-the-home activities if one is struggling with a negative attitude toward a day that goes nonstop. If you do choose to be gone from home frequently, then you must accept the trade-off of being extremely busy when you are at home. Your outside-the-home activities are your discretionary time that could be used for rest and relaxing if you were home rather than away.

Finally, look at your schedule and tasks to accomplish and evaluate what you could do less frequently. Are there jobs you currently do every day that could be done every other day or once a week? Take vacuuming, for example. If you vacuum every day, limit yourself to doing it every other day for a month. See if you and your family can live with that level of carpet cleanliness so that you can invest the time elsewhere. What about tasks that you are doing three times a week that you could cut back to once a week? Vacuuming the carpet every day may cause a mom time pressure that leads her to be frazzled. Perhaps it would be better not to vacuum so frequently, choosing instead to put up with a less than ideally clean carpet!

There is absolutely no doubt about it; being a wife and mother means plenty of hard work, but it pays wonderful, eternal dividends. May I encourage you to consider the use of a daily schedule to help you manage your time, including both work and rest. Teach your children how to work and also be willing to ask your husband for help when needed. Remember the importance of staying home and adequate sleep in keeping up with the work of a wife and mother. May we be committed to serving the Lord Jesus by serving our families, even if the cost is hard work!

Hard Work, Taking Thoughts Captive – Part 1

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Here is part of a recent question that was asked of Teri:

My children are 8, 6, 3, and 17 months. I homeschool. I had a miscarriage 5 months ago. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in everything to do. The home stays relatively picked up. It stays cleaned. We don’t have fancy meals, but they’re always on the table and usually on time. The children are well-behaved most of the time. They have issues that continually crop up because they’re human and sometimes these overwhelm me. So what is the problem? I feel like I’m going non-stop. Jennie

Can you relate to Jennie? Have you felt like this? Maybe you are struggling with some of these same emotions.

Through my twenty-seven years of being a wife and twenty-five years of being a mother, I have come to see that what the Lord has called me to do is just plain “hard work”! There are no guaranteed vacation days, no promised full nights of sleep—not even an uninterrupted trip to the bathroom! However, Scripture tells us in Romans 8:18, “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” There is nothing of more eternal value that I could invest my life in—if working hard is even truly suffering—than my husband and the children the Lord has given to me.

Expectations

My first step in how to handle my emotions concerning “hard work” is through my expectations. If I expect to complete my work by dinnertime so I can sit and relax all evening, then I am frustrated and perhaps even angry with circumstances or people whom I see as robbing me of “my” time. On the other hand, if my expectation is that being a mother is a difficult job that goes from the time I get up in the morning until I go to bed at night—plus some nighttime interruptions—then I am only doing what I expect to do!

Purpose

My next step is to recall why I am doing what I am doing. In Romans 12:1 we find these words, “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.” Isn’t this what we are doing every day as we serve our families? We are choosing to be living sacrifices that are holy, acceptable to God, and our reasonable service. We could be investing our time in many areas of our own pleasures and interests. Instead we are making the choice to be a living sacrifice and obediently follow what Jesus Christ has called us to do.

Galatians 6:9 says, “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” In John 12:24 we find: “Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit.”

I have not been called to follow my pursuits. Rather, I have been given a specific calling to “well doing” that says I am to be sober, to love my husband, to love my children, to be discreet, chaste, a keeper at home, good, and obedient to my own husband, that the word of God be not blasphemed (Titus 2:4-5). This is “hard work.” It starts the minute I open my eyes in the morning.

Acceptance

The final suggestion I want to make is to simply accept the “hard work.” Now, please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying there will never be any time for rest, relaxation, or pursuing something I am interested in doing. What I am encouraging is that it not be my focus and goal. I don’t want a craving for “my” time to cause me not to have the meek and quiet spirit that is of great worth in God’s sight (1 Peter 3:4).

It is interesting that the more I submit my heart to the Lord’s direction to be content (Philippians 4:11) and to be grateful (1 Thessalonians 5:18), the more my “hard work” is what I like doing. It becomes what I choose to do even if I don’t have to do it.

When my mind is set on things above (Colossians 3:1-2), then days filled with work and activity are blessed and a joy. I feel a sense of peace and contentment in the tasks set before me. How easy it is, though, for me to take my eyes off the Lord and His calling to be an obedient, living sacrifice and instead have them on me.

This is most likely to happen when I get tired. Then my thinking becomes particularly skewed. Here are the kind of “poor me” thoughts I will have: “No one picks up anything in this house except me! The children will never do their chores without being reminded or disciplined! I have more to do than is possible!”

These thoughts are not true! At that point, I should battle the thoughts through prayer. So often, though, I am too tired to even do that and tears combined with those false ideas are my companions. However, with a good night’s sleep, I find the Lord’s mercies are new every morning. I am again ready to face the day, where the truth is that the children do accomplish some of their chores without being reminded, family members do put things away, and I can do what the Lord has called me to do.

Encouragement

This Mom’s Corner is not about schedules, timesaving suggestions, or ways to simplify our lives. These are important, and I will be writing about them in next month’s Mom’s Corner. However, I think we would do well to also encourage each other in the “hard work” we have set before us. Our labors are our living sacrifices—the sacrifice of ourselves. Through our “hard work” we die to ourselves, but live to the Lord. The rewards we will see in our husbands, children, those around us, and even our own hearts are the rewards that truly matter!

Sisters, may I encourage you that you have chosen a good thing when you obey the Lord’s calling on your life to invest it in your family by serving them. May I also suggest that this lifestyle is one that requires constant, vigilant, “hard work” with bountiful rewards now and in eternity. Let “hard work” be our expectation, one which we seek the Lord to help us embrace with joy. May we die to the wants we have for our “free time” and invest all that it takes in the areas in which the Lord has called us to serve. May we simply, contentedly, and happily accept the work that comes with serving our families!

She Prayed – Part 2

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Last month the Mom’s Corner focused on praying in situations where there is a difference of opinion between a husband and wife. In this Corner, I want to go further on the issue of a wife’s praying.

We can know the importance of praying for our husbands. We can plan to pray for them on a daily basis. However, do we follow through, or do we find our prayer life steps up only when there is a crisis? I would rather be praying positively for my husband daily when all is going well than to wait until the difficulties arise.

When we begin praying for our husbands, particularly concerning areas where we disagree, we must be very careful that our motives are pure. It is easy to get caught up in the “I am right” syndrome and pray pridefully for our husbands to switch to our way of thinking.

Two times in our marriage Steve has been led to change churches when I didn’t agree with him. While I conceded there were good reasons to leave the current church, I was afraid of the unknown. I was settled in the present church and comfortable. The children had ministries and friends. I didn’t want to “rock the boat.” My prayers were not in support of Steve and the decision he was making.

We made each of those church moves despite my reluctance. In retrospect, they were good decisions on Steve’s part even though they were not the ones I wanted. The work the Lord did in our lives through each of those new churches was wonderful. Now I would not change those decisions for anything. In these cases, my opinions on leaving a church were not right, but I sure thought they were at the time!

Fear was ultimately at the heart of my desire to stay in churches that weren’t right for our family. I was uncertain of what the future would hold with a move. 1 Peter 3:6 says, “Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.” We are encouraged not to be afraid as we follow Sara’s example.

How many times are our prayers about differences with our husbands based on fear? We are afraid that if we follow our husbands in these decisions, it will mean we may face financial difficulties, we could lose our children’s hearts, or perhaps we will be embarrassed in some way. Our Lord Jesus does not want our prayers for the situation to be resolved as we think it should simply because we are afraid. Rather, He wants us trusting in Him.

Keep in mind the biblical stories where everything looked terrible, but God had a purpose in it and brought about good: Joseph being sold into slavery, Samuel being raised by Eli the wicked priest, Moses taken from his mother to be raised by Pharaoh’s daughter. Our trust must be completely in the Lord and not in what makes sense to us.

Of course there are legitimate issues where it is clear the husband is making poor choices. When we are considering praying for changes in our husbands’ hearts, I would caution that we can easily be consumed with this and develop a critical spirit toward them.

It is important to lay a necessary groundwork for a careful guard against a critical or condescending spirit in a wife toward her husband. If we are praying in one area after another for a change in a husband’s heart and doing this day after day, it could keep our focus on the perceived failings of our husbands. This would fuel our critical spirits.

To avoid this, I would suggest being careful how we pray. For example, in my situation when I didn’t want us to go into debt for a new roof, I think I was asking the Lord to change Steve’s heart so that he didn’t want to go into debt for the roof. On the other hand, I could have prayed for the Lord to provide the funds for a new roof or another alternative that would keep us from debt. Do you see the subtle difference in those two prayers and how the latter would keep my thoughts off of my unhappiness with the direction Steve was headed?

What about the mom who didn’t want to have to go back to work? She can petition the Lord to change her husband’s heart, or she could ask the Lord to provide for the family without her having to work. Again, a very subtle difference, but one worth noting.

Proverbs 31:11-12 says, “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.” Is it possible that by allowing a critical, prideful spirit to develop in my heart toward my husband, I am doing him evil rather than good?

My heart’s desire is that, as wives, we truly learn the role the Lord has for us. Since areas of disagreement are bound to arise between a husband and wife, may we make it a priority to be much in prayer about each of them. May we rest in the Lord even if we don’t see the changes we would like to have happen.

She Prayed – Part 1

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I expect, as Christian women reading Ephesians 5:22-33, we would agree that the Bible teaches wives to reverence their husbands and to be submissive to them. However, I wonder how we apply the practical, daily aspects of reverencing and submitting. In particular, how do we handle situations where the Lord puts on our hearts a conviction or direction but not on our husbands’?

We may wonder if we should bring the subject up. Should we share our heart concerns unsolicited, or should we wait to see if he asks our input? Do we speak of it once and then drop it? Do we bring it up every few weeks? Do we share others’ stories in the area or ask him to read a book on the topic?

In this Corner, I am not giving you specific answers to those questions. What I am going to do is point you to one sure biblical way to deal with the problem. Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Several years ago part of our roof began to leak. As the head of the household, Steve was very concerned about the leak’s potential damage to the house. He immediately said we needed a new roof. The problem was that we did not have the cash for a new roof and were committed to no more borrowing.

However, Steve decided that we would borrow the necessary money for a new roof. I spoke my heart passionately concerning our agreement not to be in debt and asked if there wasn’t some interim solution while we saved money as quickly as we could for the roof. He was determined to have the new roof and save the house.

I knew after that conversation that I had pushed as hard as I could push. I had met with a level of resistance on Steve’s part that was very unusual. I was so distraught I cried, when I was alone, over the possibility of borrowing for a roof. I also began to pray. It was the only avenue I felt I had left.

I prayed and waited as Steve had two roofers come out to give estimates. I kept praying. Then Steve started talking about some possibilities for redoing just the flashing area on the valley of the roof to see if that would keep the rain out until we could afford a new roof. That’s what he ended up doing! The “stopgap” project worked. We saved money judiciously for most of a year, and we finally had a new roof—debt free!

I once asked for some testimonials in this area of a wife praying when her heart does not agree with her husband’s. I received several stories from women who gave me permission to share them with you. These are examples to encourage you to see prayer as an ally in resolving differences between you and your husband. God can use it to change your husband’s heart, change your heart, or simply give you peace in the midst of unrest.

“I worked part-time as a secretary before our first daughter was born, but before I ever got married, I knew I wanted to stay home with my children. My husband didn’t see this as an option, but almost as soon as I found out I was expecting, I prayed that God would make a way for me to be able to stay home with my child. However, as soon as my daughter turned six weeks old, my husband instructed me to call the company I worked for to let them know I would be back the following week. So I made the call, and to my husband’s disappointment, I was told I was no longer needed.

“I felt relieved at not having to leave my precious infant daughter, but not for long—he told me he wanted me to begin searching for a new job. This was a point of strife between us for a short while, but after receiving some wise counsel from someone I confided in, I told my husband I was willing to submit to his wishes and would begin looking for a new job.

“It was at that point that God answered my prayers, and my husband told me he did not want me working outside the home, even if it meant putting off the purchase of a new home for a while (which it did). It’s interesting that God answered my prayer in this matter when I did what was required of me, which was submitting to my husband instead of arguing with him.” Jill

“My husband had a vasectomy six years ago, after our having three children. Because I was raised to be in submission to my husband, I signed the papers for him to have a vasectomy. He was convinced that this was the right thing for us, and no matter how much I cried and pleaded, he wanted the vasectomy.

“For the next three years, I was so angry with him! And I was unbelievably hurt, even though he assured me that he did not think I was a bad mother. He honestly thought that my emotional health would be hurt by having more children because I was so often frustrated, short-tempered, and exhausted with the three we had.

“In the late summer of 1999, I read testimonies of women whose husbands had had vasectomy reversals and were hoping that God would give them more children. I began to mention this to my husband, who simply listened to me, but didn’t say anything one way or the other.

“Then I started praying for his heart to be changed about having more children, and I asked the Lord to show me that his heart had changed before our anniversary, which is in October, without my having to say a word about it.

“A couple of weeks before our anniversary, out of the blue my husband asked me if I wanted to adopt a baby! I was stunned! I asked him why he was even considering it, because he had always been totally against adoption in the past. He said he didn’t really know why, just that God had opened his heart toward more children!!!

“Over the course of two or three months, he apologized to me for making such a major decision without me and not giving me any choice in the matter, and he talked to our pastor about adoption. Our pastor suggested a reversal.

“At this point, we haven’t taken any steps in either direction, adoption or reversal. I have left that in God’s hands, to guide my husband. An unexpected blessing for me was the total peace that God gave me about the whole thing. I used to agonize over not having any more children, and then was up in the clouds at the possibility of having more. But now I can truly say that I am ready for whatever God has planned for us. If I never have another baby, I am at peace about it.

“So God has blessed my prayer and trust in Him, too! I know that my husband will follow God’s leading. He is a very godly, dedicated man whose life’s desire is to please God.” Susan

“My husband and I have four children. After number four, we used birth control because I was so afraid of getting pregnant again. I wanted more children, but was afraid of labor and finances. My husband was supportive of this decision. He felt like we were done and readily accepted the birth-control decision.

“About seven months went by and my guilt increased daily. I felt like we had taken something that was God’s and made it ours. I began to pray that God would show us what to do. I talked to my husband, and he said that he didn’t think it would be wise for us to have more children. He wanted us to be done.

“The next few weeks we didn’t talk about it much. I continued to pray that God would have His way with our family. One day my husband and I had a conversation. I told him that I really did not feel like it was okay to use birth control. I felt like God should decide how many children we had. He was the giver and taker of life, and I would not get pregnant if it was not His will. He said he agreed with the concept, but didn’t know if we could do it financially, etc.

“The next few weeks passed with more prayer. Then we had a very different conversation. My husband now believes that we shouldn’t try to have another baby, but we shouldn’t prevent it either. He says that it is totally in God’s hands.” Jennie

While these testimonials deal with three of the bigger issues on which a husband and wife may have differing opinions, they illustrate maintaining a quiet, trusting spirit through prayer and then resting. The results may not always be as we have read here, but God is sovereign. We can trust Him no matter what the outcome is or when it comes. I would much rather have the Lord change Steve’s heart than for me to talk, cajole, and push him into it. I would also rather not have Steve’s heart change if it isn’t the Lord’s will. If Steve gives into a decision simply to please me, then we run the risk of being out of God’s will.

These issues concerning how a husband and wife relate to each other arise daily and are ongoing. May we, as Christian women, bless our husbands by being women who pray about our differences rather than being drippy faucets.

(Update: since this Corner was written, I have begun giving a session called, Loving Your Husband. In it, I encourage you to develop and strengthen your relationship with your husband, and I share many personal examples. Also, Dr. S. M. Davis has two excellent resources we highly recommend on reverence and attitudes: How a Wife Can Use Reverence to Build or Save Her Marriage  and The Attitude No Lady Should Have.)

A Mother’s Influence

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At the opening of our church’s mother/daughter banquet, the mom who was the banquet coordinator shared with us her love for gardening. This enjoyment of gardening began when she was just a little girl and would be included in her grandmother’s daily garden time. Her grandmother talked to her and gave her appropriate tasks to do. All of this was the beginning of a lifelong pleasure in many aspects of gardening.

When I was a little girl, we frequently visited my grandparents for periods of time during the summer. Those summer days at their house were filled with pleasant memories. Beside my grandparents’ driveway was a bed of flowers they called moss rose. These flowers bloomed with a variety of colors all summer long. Can you guess what my favorite summer flower is? Yes, every year I ask Sarah, our gardener, to please plant me a crop of moss rose.

I don’t like to garden. For me, working in a garden is hot, dirty, and backbreaking—totally devoid of any pleasure. Perhaps, though, if my grandmother had been a gardener who loved her gardening, I would have picked up from her that same feeling toward gardening.

While my grandma, with her hay fever and asthma, could not garden, she did love to bake cookies. We never visited her home without finding several containers of freshly baked cookies in the pantry. Meme passed that same enjoyment of baking on to my mother. My mother has passed it on to me, and now it is effortlessly being handed down to my girls. When there is a quiet, rainy day, one of my first thoughts is, “What a great cookie baking day!”

The purpose of these stories is to encourage us to consider how critical it is that we cultivate good memories in our children’s minds. Consider my delight in moss rose flowers. My grandparents didn’t even know that the flowers they liked so much would become my favorite as well. This simply happened because of the love and sweet memories from those summer visits with my grandparents. I believe these are valuable lessons for us as Christian mothers and homeschooling moms as well. We have the incredible ability to influence some of our children’s likes and perhaps their dislikes too.

I remember when my seventh-grade son was beginning kindergarten. We had a half hour set aside each afternoon to do math together. Almost before we started our first day, he had decided he didn’t like math. Each day he would complain that he didn’t like school and didn’t want to do the work. This was the beginning of my fourth child’s homeschool career!

I must admit to feeling rather powerless against this early level of grumbling. We were not doing difficult work. He was using manipulatives in addition to do one workbook page each day, plus I was sitting right with him. Math just didn’t get any better than that!

I knew I could give him consequences for his murmuring that would cause him to stop. However, I also realized his feelings would probably still be there; he just would not be vocalizing them. I saw this as an opportunity to influence his attitudes toward his school time.

When Joseph would start griping as we began our math work, I counterattacked. “Joseph, I want you to know this is one of the best parts of Mommy’s day. I love doing school with you. I like to have some time for just you and Mommy to be together. You know math is very important, and you will use the math you are learning in some way or other almost every single day. I am so happy that I can be the one to teach you how to add and subtract. This is a special time each day for Mommy.”

It wasn’t the first day I looked Joseph in the eye during math and said those words to him, nor was it after a week, but very gradually, I began to see a change in his spirit. He complained less and less about joining me for math. He perked up and put forth more effort into his work. Finally, there was our day of triumph. After once again sharing with Joseph my joy in spending math time with him, he responded with, “Mommy, I really like this time, too!”

Steve shares with our children how his mother taught him to like to work. She would tell her children over and over that they would be working all of their lives so they might as well learn to enjoy it. Those words may not sound terribly profound, but they were said often enough and pleasantly enough that they impacted Steve’s life. He is a man who learned to enjoy his work—in all the various forms it takes.

Moms, our attitude toward homeschooling is going to affect our children’s attitudes toward their studies now and toward homeschooling their own children. If we grumble and complain about the burden of homeschooling, are short-tempered and irritable with them during school, and look forward to school time being over, what attitudes will they pick up from us?

I believe our children will acquire many attitudes from us toward not only homeschooling but also the daily routines of life. Scripture says, “Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24). When we have a smile on our faces, a happy lilt to our voices, and pleasant words coming from our mouths, our children will automatically be drawn to having good memories of their days in our home. It is likely these memories will actually determine some of their future likes and dislikes.

I know how easy it is for me to fall into the habit of focusing on myself and my workload. Sometimes with being a wife, mother of eight children, homeschooling, homemaking, and other ministering, my tasks can look overwhelming. If I start to complain and murmur about my jobs, my children quickly pick up on my negative attitudes. It is entirely possible that if these attitudes were the habit of my life, my own children could decide not to homeschool their children because of the burden Mom portrayed homeschooling to be in her life.

Are we being hypocrites to act pleasantly and cheerfully toward daily tasks we really don’t care to have to do? Philippians 2:14 tells us to “Do all things without murmurings and disputings. . . .” I see making the choice to have a good attitude toward what we don’t like as choosing obedience to God’s Word. We should certainly pray for the Lord to work in our hearts so that our positive attitude comes from a heart that is truly pleased to do what we are called to do. However, if that heart is still struggling, choose not to let it show on the outside.

Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” We moms have such tremendous potential for positive influence on our children’s future. I want to challenge us to consider the importance of our words toward each area for which the Lord has given us responsibility. We would do well to see to it that those words are, as Proverbs says, “fitly spoken.”

As you think about how your own likes and dislikes have been shaped by your childhood memories, consider the influence you want to have on your children. May we not become so caught up in ourselves that we lose sight of the impact our words will have on our children’s attitudes. May we build pleasant memories of every aspect of daily life for our children by guarding our own attitudes and by keeping them pleasant and positive.

Decisions for the New School Year

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As another school year winds down, homeschooling moms begin to think ahead to the upcoming academic year. The new homeschool catalogs arrive in the mail, homeschool conventions are available, and decision time is upon us! Perhaps there are some lessons the Lord has taught me through sixteen years of homeschooling that I could share with you to help this time be more peaceful and more fruitful for you.

First, I had to learn the hard way to bathe all of my school plans and curriculum decisions in prayer. I can mull a school purchase over and over in my mind for weeks, not coming to any conclusion and gradually becoming more anxious simply because I cannot make a decision. I will think about the pros for the decision going one way and then the cons. However, it is balanced by the pros and cons associated with making the decision a different way.

I remember needing a different phonics program than I had been using because of the unique needs of a particular child. Each program I looked at had strengths and weaknesses. None seemed to offer exactly what I wanted. Rather than resting in the Lord and praying about the decision, I let it pressure me. I felt I had to make the decision simply to relieve my anxiety over it, while at the same time having no idea what to decide! This was not productive for my spirit toward my homeschooling nor toward my decision.

When prayer over school decisions is the basis of my thoughts, then I can have a peaceful heart as I wait for the Lord’s direction rather than forcing myself to make a choice simply to have it done. “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

If I will follow the truth of Philippians 4:6-7 not to be anxious about anything but to present my requests to God, then I can set my thoughts about it aside. Usually, when I come back to the decision, I don’t have the same level of frustration over it. If you begin to feel yourself becoming tense, worried, or fearful about any of the decisions, stop thinking and begin praying.

Next, I have needed to learn to be content. Philippians 4:11 says, “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” Here is what would happen to me during a school year. Things would be going well in our school, but I would hear about this new spelling program “everyone” just loved. I would see it advertised in the homeschool magazines and look at the program’s website. It sounded so perfect! Very quickly I found myself discontent with our spelling program and thinking about all of its weaknesses. In reality, I had invested time learning the spelling program we were using, and it was working. I had no leading from the Lord to change our spelling. All I had was a desire not to be left behind the rest of the homeschooling crowd.

If you have a curriculum that has been working for your family, don’t change it. You have invested time learning the material and are now experienced with it. This is such a time saver for you as a homeschool mom! Even if others are raving about what they are using, be grateful for the experience and success the Lord has given you with your curriculum. Unless the Lord is clearly directing you to something else, stick with what you already know.

I discovered I was a wise woman to seek my husband’s input. I try to type out information for Steve so that he can help me make upcoming school decisions. I include what has been problematic for us in the current school year. I write out the pros and cons of a new curriculum I am considering and how I believe it will impact our school. With this background, Steve is often able to help give needed direction on the decisions.

My schedule was another tool that was instrumental in helping me make curriculum decisions. When I had completed a school year where I could have comfortably devoted more time to school, I would expand and add more subjects or extras in. I could also consider a curriculum that was more teacher intensive. However, when I was completing a school year where I felt extremely busy with school and where we were barely accomplishing the essentials, I looked for ways to streamline my curriculum.

You, too, can use your schedule to help you with school choices for next year. If you are pushed for time this year, pray for curricula that will be less time intensive for you or the children. Please consider the importance of your curricula truly reflecting the available time you have. So often I see moms who are struggling with homeschooling because they don’t have time for it. They have not been willing to trade off a time-intensive curriculum for one that takes less teacher time in order to maintain their own peace of mind and the overall integrity of their homeschool.

Whatever challenges you are facing as you start your preparations for the next homeschool year, may you be realistic about what you can do and content with what the Lord has already provided. Step out boldly in a new direction the Lord is leading, but only if He is leading! Don’t think you have to follow the crowd. Perhaps you will be given the chance to honor your husband by following, without questioning, his suggestions. My prayer for you through the school decisions you are making as a homeschooling mom is that this becomes an enjoyable season for you. I encourage you to use each choice you must make as an opportunity to pray and then rest in the Lord.

(After this Corner was written, we wrote a book called Managers of Their Schools: A Practical Guide to Homeschooling. The book shares our experience gained from over 23 years of homeschooling, including what has worked for our family, homeschooling how-to’s, planning the school year, what curriculum we use, and how we manage homeschooling).

A Daughter’s Titus Two Woman

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As I entered my forties, younger women whom I counseled or encouraged would occasionally refer to me as a “Titus Two” woman to them. This term comes from Titus 2:4-5, which outlines specific areas in which older women are to teach the younger women. “That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed” (Titus 2:4-5). Having me referred to as a “Titus Two” woman made for a few rounds of laughter at our dinner table when my family teased with, “Mom, you know what that means? You are an OLDER woman!”

One day I was thinking about my own teenage daughter in relation to Titus 2:4-5. I realized as she grew up she was going to be looking for a “Titus Two” woman in her life. I wanted to make sure I had made a concerted effort to be that woman for her even before she felt a need for one.

I knew that being my daughter’s “Titus Two” woman would grow naturally out of a healthy mother-daughter relationship. However, as I evaluated my time usage, I noticed that I was encouraging Christian homeschooling moms via e-mail each day. I also would usually meet with a local homeschooling mom on a monthly basis in a mentoring relationship. I desired to invest dedicated time such as this in my own daughter’s life.

I began the process by scheduling a monthly outing for just my daughter and me. This is exactly what I did when a friend asked me to mentor her. Why not do the same with my daughter? While my oldest daughter and I had occasional excursions together, it was not on the regular, consistent basis I wanted. I always had good intentions of going out with her. However, in reality, time slipped away with no “feet” being given to the intentions. I found that when evening came, I didn’t have the energy left to take my daughter out unless we had planned it ahead of time.

For about four years, Sarah, my nineteen-year-old daughter, and I have gone out to eat together on the first Monday of the month. We both look forward to this special time. Occasionally, Sarah will invite one or both of her younger sisters to join us. Generally, though, this is an evening for just Sarah and me. Sarah often brings up areas she is struggling with in her personal life. We can discuss these issues and find biblical ways to deal with them. She feels the freedom to ask questions and bring up topics she might not be comfortable talking about at home where little ears are always about. During our evening out, we talk with each other, relax, and enjoy the freedom of not making or cleaning up dinner. I plan a simple dinner for the family at home that Daddy and the children can easily make. We are even a bit practical by running errands after we eat. Both of us have fond memories of these past four years’ outings and can hardly believe we have been having them for that long!

The second purposeful way I set out four years ago to be my daughter’s “Titus Two” woman was by planning weekly time to study together. This wasn’t to be study such as we did in school. I wanted it to be much more personal—a sharing of hearts, not simply learning academic information. “To be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands”—these have been my curricula and guidelines as Sarah’s “Titus Two” woman.

Sarah and I scheduled our study time. My days were already filled to the brim with homeschooling and caring for a house full of children. Sarah had her own school time, working for her dad, household helping, and much more. I prayed, asking the Lord for creativity in finding the needed minutes for Sarah and me, knowing this would be quite a task. Our study time was planned for a half an hour two nights a week, right after the younger children went to bed. We purposed to be faithful to this appointment. However, we gave ourselves some leeway since if we missed our time together one night, there would still be another night that week to meet.

These study times together are rare opportunities for Sarah to relate to me as another woman, an older sister in Christ, rather than strictly as her mother or her homeschool teacher (when she was still a part of our homeschool). Since this is not part of our school, there are no grades or expectations other than that she want to grow in her relationship with her Lord Jesus Christ. Sometimes our study causes us to be very serious and even grieved as we evaluate our lives in light of Scripture. Other times we laugh and are silly.

I am very grateful as I look back on these past four years for what the Lord has done in developing my “Titus Two” relationship with Sarah. It would have been so easy to stay busy with life and to ignore this vital area. Often, when a friend finds out about my monthly outings with Sarah, she will say, “Oh, that is such a good idea!” I completely agree!

What about you? Are you seeking opportunities to be your daughter’s “Titus Two” woman? Even if your girls are young you can focus some of your conversation on “Titus Two” topics. If your daughter is a teen, then it is even more imperative that you are teaching her specifically in the areas Titus 2 lays out for older women to teach younger women. May we give the same time and opportunities to our own daughters to learn from the lessons the Lord has taught us that we give our friends. Mother, may I encourage you to be your daughter’s “Titus Two” woman.

The Retraining Parade

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Tonight we had a parade through the Maxwell house! Usually the children delight in parades, but for this one, they were uncharacteristically warm and subdued. One child had on her heavy winter coat, sweatshirt, stocking cap, and an extra pair of shoes over her hands—all in addition to her normal clothing. Another child sported her sweatshirt, bike-riding dress—over her play dress—with shoes dangling on her shoulder. The other three of our younger children had donned varying degrees of similar costumes. They were all busily marching around the house. Soon each one returned to Mom eagerly asking her to come see what they had just accomplished. You might ask, what exactly is going on at the Maxwell house?

We were reaping! Unfortunately, Mom has become slack in giving consequences to the children for leaving their things out. Steve has regularly encouraged me to have the children wear or carry whatever of their personal property is not properly put away. His suggestion originally came because I brought him the ongoing problem we have in our home of sloppiness. My efforts toward positive training of the children in orderliness were not being fruitful.

I have done some mental calculations of what it would be like at the Maxwells’ if we didn’t stay on top of picking up. There are ten of us living in this home. If we were each to leave out ten items a day, which wouldn’t be terribly hard, we would have one hundred things lying around at the end of the day. After a week, a whopping seven hundred pieces of Maxwell personal property would be strewn across the house.

I truly believe in the importance of training our children to put their things away properly. I am certain that their spouses will thank Steve and me if we are successful, and they will be disappointed if we aren’t. My children report to us that they really prefer to live in a neat home. This information generally comes after they have visited in a cluttered or messy home. Putting each item where it belongs is a valuable time saver. How many hours have been lost looking for a child’s missing shoe? “Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise” (Proverbs 6:6).

Our home is also a testimony—of Christ, homeschooling, and, in our case, large families. We regularly have non-Christians stop by our home unexpectedly. Tonight it was the British Army officer for whom Steve is doing some work. Last week it was our policeman neighbor from across the street. Sometimes it is the retired bank president for whom Sarah gathers the mail and papers when he and his wife are away. I am convinced that if the house looks more than simply “lived in,” the testimony of each area it represents, such as homeschooling, is tarnished.

Having the children wear what they have left out has been a most effective way of getting them to pick up their clothing. However, if Mom is not consistent with consequences, the children manage to lose the good habit they have acquired! “Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul” (Proverbs 29:17). Tonight we were having a retraining session. The children were wearing clothing items they had left out while they searched the house for other things that belonged to them. They were now eager to put their belongings away. Then they were happy to come ask Mom for an inspection. This was because the removal of each extra piece of clothing was dependent on Mom not finding any more of their things out.

Despite all the benefits I know there are to be gained from teaching my children to put their personal items away when they are done with them, I still struggle with being consistent. When I am consistent, they succeed! When I am inconsistent, they fail!

So, if you pop in at the Maxwell house and observe five children wearing very odd outfits while busily rushing here and there, you will know what is happening. May I encourage you in whatever area you need to be more consistent with your children. It is not too late. It is not too much work, and it is certainly well worth the effort!

Chores

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It is Friday cleaning morning at the Maxwell house! Eleven-year-old Joseph busily oils our oak dining-room table while Anna, age eight, runs the hand-held vacuum over the throw rugs. John, our nine-year-old, is singing as he pushes the vacuum, and Mom is mopping the kitchen and bathroom floor. These are a few of our weekly chores.

I would love for my children to have lots of free time. Unfortunately, the more hours they are on their own, the more likely they are to fuss and squabble with each other. We have found schoolwork and housework are very helpful in giving the children positive direction for their time. Then they are able to comfortably handle the free hours they have left. They greatly enjoy their personal time, and the children don’t complain of being bored!

Steve and I want our children to learn to work. We desire for them to have a healthy attitude toward responsibilities, approaching them with diligence and initiative. Having the children help with the daily workload in our home is a part of their training to eventually become good husbands, wives, homemakers, employees, and employers.

I need the help of my children to keep up with housework. I would not physically have the time to do it all myself in addition to homeschooling. I remind the children regularly of how much they contribute to the family and lighten my workload. Children love to please their mommies, and usually, mine love to do anything that visibly makes me happy. Much of their attitude toward their work stems from how diligent I am to praise them for help and to encourage them that they are needed members of the family.

Chores can present challenges to homeschooling moms. They wonder how much they should expect of their children as far as chores are concerned. Are they giving the children too many or too few jobs? What kind of work is a child capable of and at what age? How do you equitably divide the tasks? When can a child do his chores without being reminded? What consequences are reasonable for not doing an assigned job or for doing it poorly?

As you are considering chores for your children, I have a starting place. It is often helpful to see how other families structure their chore assignments. While your chore chart won’t be identical to another mom’s, you can glean ideas. You could evaluate what is expected of her children at various ages and determine how the chores are divided among the family members. You will get a picture of how long the chores are probably taking plus how often certain jobs are being done.

We have begun a section on our website where you can see real-life chore charts of homeschooling families. (Update: We now have a book on chores.) When we announced to the MOTHBoard that these chores charts were available to look at, we received some interesting feedback.

“Teri, an unexpected plus to the charts . . .

“I looked at the charts for the chores. I have to tell you what happened. I printed them out to do some comparing with the charts we use. Well, our nine-year-old son saw me looking at the charts and noticed that compared to other nine- and ten-year-old boys, he has it pretty easy. ‘WOW, Mom, look at all they have to do!’

“Needless to say, after a conversation our son did come to the realization that he could be doing more. Then, of course, so could his sister! So this morning we made new charts with some more involved chores! Just by seeing what other children are doing, our son was convicted! Today the new chores begin! It looks like Mom is going to get more help!” Janice

“Same here! My almost nine-year-old son, who moans and groans when asked to fold a pile of towels, which is one of about four or five chores, was amazed at the work that children younger than himself were capable of. A six-year-old clean the bathroom? Even he agreed that he could easily handle more work, and that’s exactly what I’m going to give him!” Amanda

As I was writing this Mom’s Corner, I realized something amazing. We have virtually eliminated grumbling about chores in our family! I am pleased this is the case; however, it happened unintentionally. It appears, though, there may be several factors as to why we have moved past chore complaints.

First, we begin assigning regular chores (beyond picking up after himself) around the time a child starts school. Second, the chores are written down. The child knows what is expected of him and so do I. Each child keeps the same chores for at least a year. We also have accountability to ensure the jobs are accomplished. Lastly, the child has a set time each day to do his work. I believe because chores have become so much a part of their daily routine, the children don’t grumble.

If I were always to call the children at random times from their play to do this job or that one, they might respond differently. However, even when I need to do this, the response is generally good. Perhaps it is because they have their assigned, scheduled tasks, and I don’t ask for “over and above” help very often. Just tonight I needed extra hands to get dinner on the table. Steve asked two of the children who were not my normal Thursday dinner helpers to pitch in. They did so with sweet, willing attitudes. They were happily surprised to receive an extra portion of dessert as a reward from their daddy for their cooperation!

The responsibility of whether chores are being done, and being done well, falls squarely back on me. I find it is important to take adequate time to train each child in what he is expected to do. It is all too easy to tell my son to vacuum the floor and then be unhappy with a poor job. However, I can’t assume a child knows how to do a task properly until I have taught him.

Also important, in addition to chore training, are regular inspections to check on the work. My children become sloppy in their jobs if I am not frequently looking at them. In the past two years we have had periods of time when I am intensely busy for several weeks. The children’s thoroughness in their chores slips greatly because I am not checking their work.

I encourage you to have consequences in place for failure to do a job or for not doing it well. The children and I have decided upon a consequence for this in our family. They made the suggestion, and I approved it. For each chore that isn’t done, or is poorly done, they have to sit on a chair for fifteen minutes. This discipline was decided upon because most of our chores take five minutes or less. The children thought that sitting on the chair for fifteen minutes would motivate them to do their jobs since the jobs take much less time than chair sitting would. Whatever consequences you and your husband decide upon, make sure you consistently use them.

I suggest you view your children’s chores as a great learning tool. See the benefits in teaching them to work diligently at their chores with a good attitude. Not only is this a help to you now, but you are also training your children for the lifetime of serving and ministering that the Lord Jesus has called them to.