Category Archives: Series

Can Dads Influence Their Children’s Spiritual Outcome? – Part 7

This was posted on June 1, 2003 by Steve Maxwell.

(If you’d like to read the previous articles in this series, please do so.)

I was sitting in the car doing some work while Teri was inside the dentist’s office having her teeth cleaned. There was a large, nicely mown tree-shaded lot in front of me. I glanced up, and my eyes caught sight of a black bird walking through the grass. His head disappeared for an instant, and then with his beak, he began flinging leaves into the air. He would take another step, and more leaves would explode into the air. After every leaf or two, he would find a bug or worm; I couldn’t tell which. I would see him eat it and begin looking under more leaves.

A short distance away, a robin was looking for breakfast. I was much more familiar with the way a robin finds his food. He would take a few steps, tipping his head to listen. Then he would either jab his beak into the ground, trying to spear a worm, or he would take a few more steps.

Both birds were gathering food the way God had directed them, even though their technique was quite different. I wonder if that might be a fitting analogy to a man’s personal time in Bible reading and prayer—a quiet time or, as some might call it, devotions. We all should have spiritual nourishment from the Bible, yet we have different needs based on what is going on in our lives and where we are in our spiritual walk. Therefore, God will direct us to various places in Scripture. Then our study may involve individual methods of hunting for the tasty morsels that we need to grow and lead our family.

From the informal questions that I regularly ask men, I’m confident that less than 10 percent of conservative Christian men read their Bibles each day and pray. I believe one reason is that many need a brother who loves them enough to get in their faces to confront them. This brother would tell them that they can’t live without a daily quiet time and give them some idea how to have one. The purpose of this Corner is for me to be the brother in your face. I want to give dads an idea of what they can do for their personal devotions and stress again how critical it is. 1 Corinthians 3:11 tells us, “For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ.”

First, I pray that no dad ever senses a spirit of judgment or condemnation from me if he isn’t spending time in the Word and prayer. I want him to sense a great amount of my passion as I plead with him to meet with his Lord daily. This Corner should be immensely practical, as I will try to be very specific in giving some ideas about how to have a quiet time. Just like the different techniques of those birds, there are many ways to spend daily time with the Lord. However, to make it simple, I’m suggesting you try it this way until you are comfortable, and then ask the Lord Jesus to direct you.

How often should you have your personal devotions? “Yet they seek me daily, and delight to know my ways, as a nation that did righteousness, and forsook not the ordinance of their God: they ask of me the ordinances of justice; they take delight in approaching to God” (Isaiah 58:2). If we would delight to know God’s ways, then we must seek Him daily.

When in the day should we read our Bibles and pray? I believe you can never go wrong by doing it first thing in the morning when you get up. If we have our personal devotions first, they will always get done. We know how the urgent often crowds out the important. That doesn’t happen with your Bible reading if you choose to do it first. Set the alarm so you will have time to get up and have your devotion before other daily scheduled commitments. DON’T CHANGE YOUR ALARM. That way if you want your sleep, you will go to bed on time.

If spending time with the Lord Jesus is important to you, you will make yourself go to bed at night in order to get enough sleep to get up with the alarm. If babies will wake you in the night, then go to bed earlier so you can still get up and meet with the Lord. I would encourage each of us to treat ourselves like men and not children. If we want sleep, we go to bed earlier, but we don’t move the time we get up. Soon you will see how easy it is to consistently wake up and have your devotions. What would we think of a co-worker’s frequent excuse of being late to work, or missing work, because he was tired and slept in? We would say, “If work is important to you—get up!”

How long is good for your time with Jesus? That is like asking someone, “How much gold would you like?” However, we must deal with reality in that there are limits. I would encourage no less than twenty minutes per day no matter what—ten minutes reading the Bible and ten minutes praying. There was a time when I took an hour and a half, but currently I’m spending forty minutes. The time investment will pay such dividends in your walk with the Lord. Give as much time as you can.

Where should you have your Bible reading and prayer time? “But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly” (Matthew 6:6). Jesus suggested you go into your closet when you pray. The word “closet” means an inner chamber or someplace hidden away. The idea is that we are to get alone with the Lord. We can’t effectively concentrate on Him when there are distractions around us. That is another advantage of getting up early when everyone else is asleep. It is easier to find a quiet place.

Currently, I go to the living room since I can be alone there. Find a quiet place, and if need be, ask others not to come in during that time. If there are sounds from elsewhere in the house, then I would recommend foam earplugs to reduce the ambient noise. I’m easily distractible, and I use earplugs fairly often when I need to concentrate. Whatever it takes, for the good of your soul—do it!

Where in the Bible should you read? If a person isn’t very familiar with the Bible, I would encourage him to first read the book of John. I ask the Lord where He wants me to read. Lately I’ve started back through the four gospels. When I am close to finishing them, I will ask the Lord where He wants me to go next. There was a time when I read Jeremiah three or four times in a row. Ask Him during your prayer time, and He will show you.

A number of times I have been led to read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation. There are many read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year programs out there, but I have come to where I don’t encourage my family to do them. Don’t misunderstand me, reading through the Bible in one year is great, but often it requires a person to hurry through their reading to complete the assignment. I want my family to read slowly during this time because the goal is to grow in intimacy with the Lord. If a person has an extra hour a day when he could read the Bible, going through it in a year would be great. However, don’t let the goal crowd out a time of savoring the Word. The purpose of our quiet time is to experience the Lord Jesus, grow in greater intimacy with Him, and apply His Word to our lives.

A side note I feel important to share is that I would not suggest that anyone read the short daily devotionals for their primary Bible time. I wonder if reading them isn’t like eating something that someone else has chewed first. I desire that God would speak to me directly through His Word and that I would learn it more and more. I don’t believe either of those goals is accomplished by reading some warming anecdote and two verses of Scripture each day. That is fine for reading while you brush your teeth, but I would implore everyone not to consider that a substitute for spending quality time with the Lord Jesus.

After “where” to read is “how much” to read. I would not necessarily read a given amount each day. Read with an open heart. There are days when I read a chapter and other days when I read a handful of verses. I read slowly so I can understand what I’m reading. At the same time, I don’t get bogged down if I can’t understand a verse. I may continue on and return when I can study it further.

Lastly, what am I trying to get from my time in the Word? I want to know the Lord and how I can apply His Word to my life. I ask myself questions about what I’m reading. “Why might Jesus have said that?” “Why did they do that?” “Lord, how do You want me to apply this to my life?” Questions, questions, questions! Why, why, why, why, and why? Through the years I have seen the Lord answer so many questions. I love it when He gives new and fresh insight to a passage I have wondered about for years.

“Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart” (Psalms 119:2). “With my whole heart have I sought thee: O let me not wander from thy commandments. Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee. Blessed art thou, O LORD: teach me thy statutes” (Psalms 119:10-12). The blessings, the wisdom, the protection, and the promises that are buried in the Bible are critical to our spiritual health and our ability to lead our family. Dads—we can’t afford not to have a daily time in the Word and pray. Won’t you begin today?

Can Dads Influence Their Children’s Spiritual Outcome? – Part 6

This was posted on April 1, 2003 by Steve Maxwell.

(If you’d like to read the previous articles in this series, please do so.)

There is a wonderful elderly man we know at the nursing home, and we love him dearly. We have known him for close to ten years, but I’m afraid he won’t live much longer. The biggest problem seems to be that he doesn’t eat and therefore is wasting away. I don’t see how such a thin person can continue to lose weight. The food seems to be good there, but I’m told he just sits in front of his food, picks at it for a while, and then quits. He will die without nourishment.

I recently had a very engaging discussion for about an hour with a young man in his early teens. He was strongly opinionated, and I was enjoying asking him questions in trying to understand what the basis was for the decisions he was making. He was intelligent and articulate, and yet there was a major disconnect in his reasoning. I then asked him about personal and family devotions. He said he was having personal time with the Lord, but his family didn’t have a time when they would look at Scripture together. After hearing himself say that and realizing how that appeared, he thought for a moment and said, “Well, I guess I’d have to say, that our family devotion is sort of all day. It is the way we live.”

Have you ever thought about the fact that God did not have to make our bodies to need food? God could have easily created us never to require food, but He had a purpose in it. “Give us day by day our daily bread” (Luke 11:3). We require continued sustenance to keep our focus on our Provider.

The reality of physical food is used by the Lord to teach us about our need for spiritual food. In John 21:15-17 we read, “So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs. He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep. He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep.” Jesus was not talking about Simon Peter physically feeding sheep but rather spiritually feeding the flock.

Notice how Jesus related Peter’s love for Christ with Peter’s feeding those for which he would soon be responsible. Peter would soon be leader of the church in Jerusalem, and if Peter loved Jesus, Peter was to feed them spiritually. If Peter loved the Lord, he could demonstrate that love by feeding the flock. In asking the question three times with slight variations, Jesus was making His point very clear. “Peter, if you love Me, you will feed My sheep.” That is true of us dads as well, if we love the Lord Jesus, we will spiritually feed those He has entrusted to our care.

In John 10:3-4 we read, “To him the porter openeth; and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and leadeth them out. And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice.” The shepherd leads the sheep out to find good pasture. He is careful that the sheep only eat what is beneficial for them. He cares about the sheep and wants to see them grow and be healthy. A shepherd may be negligent in several areas and still not devastate the flock, but if he is not feeding them, they will suffer. That is so true for our families. We may fail our families in many ways, but if we aren’t feeding them spiritually every day, they will suffer.

“The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters” (Psalms 23:1-2). What a beautiful picture of a caring Shepherd Who pastures His flock in lush green fields where they will eat well and then may rest. Do we fathers make our daily family devotion time appetizing? Does our family look forward to dining on God’s Word together? Is it something we are excited about like a hungry man with a steak dinner, or do we force ourselves to take a few bites when we really aren’t interested? If we aren’t interested in God’s Word then we need not expect our families to be excited.

Ezekiel 34 is amazing as God blasts those shepherding Israel. “. . . Woe be to the shepherds of Israel that do feed themselves! should not the shepherds feed the flocks? Ye eat the fat, and ye clothe you with the wool, ye kill them that are fed: but ye feed not the flock” (Ezekiel 34:2-3). “Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I am against the shepherds; and I will require my flock at their hand, and cause them to cease from feeding the flock . . .” (Ezekiel 34:10). God harshly judges the shepherds who will not nurture their sheep.

Can we be serious about our desire to raise children who will be men and women of God without feeding them the spiritual food that they will need to grow spiritually strong and healthy? How can they resist the world if they are not spiritually strong?

A homeowner who says he is working hard to grow a nice, healthy lawn and never feeds it is only fooling himself. All his neighbors know the truth by merely observing his lawn and what steps he is taking. They can see that his actions aren’t consistent with his words. In the same way, those around us who observe our children and who visit our home will soon come to understand what emphasis we place on spiritually feeding our family.

Feeding those we are responsible for is critical. Just as we can expect repercussions from the government if parents don’t physically feed their children, there are consequences when parents don’t spiritually feed their children. Why is it so many dads don’t lead their family in daily Bible reading when this is such a serious matter? There are probably a myriad of answers, but NONE of them matter. I believe if dads realized the consequences they will experience (and observe in the lives of their children) for not spiritually feeding them, they would get serious (and excited) about daily feeding their family God’s Word.

The Lord is our example. He says, “I will feed them in a good pasture, and upon the high mountains of Israel shall their fold be: there shall they lie in a good fold, and in a fat pasture shall they feed upon the mountains of Israel. I will feed my flock, and I will cause them to lie down, saith the Lord GOD” (Ezekiel 34:14-15). Men, we must feed our families (see Feed My Sheep). I would encourage every dad not to eat a meal the day following a missed family devotion. Let your physical hunger spur you on to feeding your family’s spiritual hunger.

When I started leading the family devotion, I knew Teri could have done a far better job. But that was okay because I knew I needed to do it, and God would enable me to improve over time. The Lord has been so faithful through the years in teaching me how to lead my family. He will do the same for you if you will begin (if you aren’t currently). So Dad, what are you feeding your family tonight?

Can Dads Influence Their Children’s Spiritual Outcome? – Part 5

This was posted on March 1, 2003 by Steve Maxwell.

Teri and I have had our hearts broken to see parents close to finishing the job of raising a child then lose the child to the world. I have to admit that quite a few years ago I actually said, “Homeschooled children don’t have problems with drugs, alcohol, immorality, and rebellion.” From the large group of homeschoolers we interact with, I can’t say that is true anymore. Now my thoughts run this way: “Homeschooled children don’t have to have problems with drugs, alcohol, immorality, and rebellion.” I don’t believe it is a matter of whether you “get a good one or a bad one.” The issue is this: “Dad, what are you doing with what God has entrusted you?”

We continue with this heavy subject (read the previous months here). The topic was originally broached by a father, and we’ve been looking at what he wrote. I’ve copied the last half here again for reference.

What I am seeking is good, practical advice on how and at what age to expose my children to the world. And how to keep from losing them to the world. (I’ve got a seven-year-old daughter, four-year-old daughter, two-year-old son, and one on the way.) This isn’t the first time that I have heard people speak of sheltered kids getting out and “going nuts.” It seems to me that it would be best to expose them to the results of sin (chapel for recovering addicts, jail, etc.), as compared to letting them see “all of the pleasures and none of the guilt,” such as is seen at the mall, etc. Maybe even working this into some kind of a family ministry (although my children may be too young now, that is part of my question). This recent comment about the backsliding grandson has got me seriously considering self employment and some kind of family businesses.

Space no longer permits revisiting all we have already covered in previous Corners. However, each piece is critical to our parenting.

I firmly believe that if you do everything else and not this next area we will discuss, your children are at great risk. Please don’t think that I’m exalting my opinion to such a high place that you need to follow it. Read this Corner, and study the Bible passages to which I refer, to see if it is true. May the Holy Spirit confirm in your heart truth.

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber. But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the sheep” (John 10:1-2). “Then said Jesus unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I am the door of the sheep” (John 10:7).

In verse one, we see that all who don’t enter the sheepfold by the door are thieves and robbers. Then in verse seven we see that Jesus is the Door. The Middle-Eastern shepherd was so concerned about his sheep that after bringing his sheep into the fold for the night, he would sleep in the doorway. The shepherd, literally, became the door. Nothing could get through the doorway that the shepherd didn’t allow. He would give his life for the sheep. Therefore, a thief knew the only other way to get to the sheep was by climbing over the wall. In doing so, he was still likely to be confronted by the shepherd as he entered the fold.

The protection of the sheep was of utmost importance to the shepherd. He would have carefully constructed his fold so that the sheep would be safe. I can picture him building the walls so that nothing could easily steal away those who depended on him for safety. Even though the sheep knew his voice and not the voice of the stranger, he still took great care in protecting them. Was it because he didn’t trust the sheep? Of course not. Scripture says that they knew his voice and wouldn’t follow a stranger. He knew, however, that others presented danger to the sheep.

This example is critical for dads who love their children. We are the shepherds of those God has entrusted to our care. We are to be the door to the family. No one gets by us to our children. Is it because we don’t trust our children? Absolutely not. It isn’t a matter of not trusting our children. Rather, it is a matter of our responsibility to protect them from others.

Recently, a dad was telling me that he didn’t have a problem sending his children off for further training because they had proven themselves trustworthy. Unfortunately, I believe, he is basing the future of his children on his evaluation of their being trustworthy. Their trustworthiness is important, but maybe as important is the issue of WHO they will encounter.

It doesn’t matter whether it is a school or religious organization of stellar credentials. I’m not even assuming there is evil intent on the part of the other person. However, something happens when the right two people get together. Suddenly all logic and self-control are gone. I expect that most have heard of pastors who have become involved in an immoral relationship. Likely those who have been ensnared like this never thought it would happen to them. It is contrary to everything for which they had lived. It is just that they found themselves in a situation that soon was out of control. If it can happen to those who are highly respected and have proven themselves “trustworthy,” then how is it parents think it can’t happen to their young adult children?

Even if the child isn’t “lost to the world,” but only fallen and morally scarred, is it worth the risk? I expect most parents of children that this has happened to don’t even know about it. We have heard many a Christian mom share how she failed when out from under her father’s protection. Might their fathers have done more to protect them? Could it be that their fathers trusted them when they should have protected them?

That is why the shepherd isn’t content knowing that he has his sheep’s “hearts.” He knows there are others out there who may cause him to lose the ones for which he is responsible or who may actually cause them harm. He values his sheep so much that he is not willing to take any chances with them. No matter how confident we are that we have our children’s hearts, they are still flesh and blood. They have to deal with the appetites of the flesh. Is it a matter of trust, or is it a matter of prudence and responsibility?

Remember what Jesus said was in the heart of EVERY person. “For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies” (Matthew 15:19). If we ever think our child is strong enough and cannot fall, I believe we have put him in great jeopardy.

Remember the pastors or other people I referred to earlier—the ones in high spiritual positions who ran away in an immoral relationship, often leaving a wife and family? These are people who “had” proven themselves to be of certain moral character and spiritually trustworthy—enough to earn the positions they held. They wouldn’t have been given their positions if others hadn’t had confidence in them. Not only had they given their hearts to their spouses in marriage, but they also had made a covenant before God to be faithful to that spouse. That was not enough to stop them. No matter what explanation is given or what warning signs there were, trust was breached, testimonies blackened, and lives shipwrecked.

Then how is it that, if pastors and others in high spiritual positions fall, parents can so easily “trust” their children putting them at such risk? I challenge you to evaluate whether it is really a matter of trust or value. Teri and I trust each other completely. However, we value our relationship so much we are not going to put it at risk. That is one reason why I don’t have business lunches with women. There are more safeguards that we have put in place, but those are sufficient examples. We believe what Jesus said about the depravity of the human heart and that if we can fall, certainly our children can. May we value our children so much that we take our responsibility to protect them seriously. How is it that parents who have poured out their lives into their children and homeschooled them to protect them from the world will put them in situations where they are at great risk? If they were going to lose their children anyway, wouldn’t it have been much easier on the mother to have sent the children to public school in the first place and spared herself the years of great effort homeschooling them? By putting our children in situations that may lead to their falling, I believe the parents have become their own enemies. Their actions have betrayed their goals. Instead of the father being the door, he has invited the wolf in to spend the night with the sheep. Oh, dads—may it not be!

To prevent any misunderstanding, let me give you some examples. If your desire is that your children would remain pure until they reach the marriage altar, then is it wise that they date or have friends who are dating, and should they spend time with others (of the opposite gender) to whom they may be drawn? Youth groups, ministry projects, short-term mission trips, joining the military, anything that involves young men and young women spending time together will likely stir up emotions. May each of us carefully evaluate the activities are children are involved in as to whether they are consistent with our goals. If you let your young adults participate in any of those activities even while you claim to be committed to courtship, do not be surprised if your children don’t court. We hear too many tragic stories from people who have let their young adult children go down those roads and have experienced great disappointment.

If you don’t want your children to rebel, then is it wise to let your children associate with rebels? Where might you find rebels? Youth groups, friends (even from great “Christian” families), sports teams, vocational technical schools, junior colleges, and colleges (Christian or secular) should all be viewed with great caution. Even if someone uses the word “Christian” to describe the organization, this does not mean that everyone there is a Christian living for the Lord. As the one called to protect our families, may we be able to look our wives in the eyes and say, “God is telling me that I must send my son/daughter there.” If God isn’t telling you clearly, do you really want to send them? Just because everyone else “is doing it” or your son or daughter really wants to, this is no reason to let them. “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child . . .” (Proverbs 22:15). Often we hear the excuse that the child REALLY wanted to do something, so the parents let them. Dads, that is no reason. We are the ones who are accountable to the Lord for our decisions. Our children should only do what we are convinced is God’s best for them—nothing less!

Being the “door” is not a very popular position. There will be times when some of the sheep want out, and the door is stopping them. There are other times when a wolf wants in, and the “door” has to mount a defense. However, the Lord didn’t ask us to do it because it is fun. It is our responsibility.

May I encourage you to get alone with your Lord and determine what His goals are for your family. Then critically evaluate your decisions in light of those goals. You may be surprised to see that you have invited Mr. Wolf to spend the night. Evict him before it is too late. May we be the men God has called us to be.

Contentment – Part 2

This was posted on February 1, 2003 by Teri Maxwell.

In last month’s Mom’s Corner we delved into the difficult topic of contentment. We saw that Paul had learned to be content in whatever circumstances he found himself. However, we also discovered the root of this contentment was not in the situation, but rather in his relationship with Jesus Christ and his trust in His will. We also realized that Paul’s contentment did not mean he didn’t desire change or pray for it in a particular situation. Instead, he was able to fully rest in his Lord Jesus and wait for His timing to work.

This leads us to other important questions for Christian wives and mothers to consider in relation to contentment. We may agree that we want to be content and would like to learn this contentment. However, we don’t really know where to begin. We are too steeped in our natural inclinations and wrong thoughts. Paul is a wonderful teacher of contentment, so let’s again turn to what he has to say. Was there an area of Paul’s life that was difficult for him? What did he do about it? What was God’s response, and how did that affect Paul?

“And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).

Paul had what he called a “thorn in the flesh.” He asked the Lord three times to be relieved from his “thorn in the flesh.” However, the Lord’s answer was “no.” God had a purpose in Paul’s difficulty and was going to use it as a demonstration of His grace and strength in Paul’s life. What was Paul’s response and ultimately his secret to contentment? He chose to “take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”

For me, personally, this goes totally against my natural, fleshly reactions to hard circumstances. What I feel like doing is to grumble, complain, be irritated and unhappy, feel sorry for myself, and try to figure out a solution. I am still at the stage in my Christian walk where I must choose to “. . . [bring] into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5) because it isn’t my first, automatic reaction to take pleasure in what I don’t like.

James learned the same lessons as Paul did about contentment and facing the areas of our lives that would rob us of contentment. “My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing” (James 1:2-4). The word “count” means “to consider, deem, account, think” (Strong’s Greek and Hebrew Dictionary). This is an act of my will. It is a decision I make as to how I will think about my trials. James didn’t tell me to simply accept my trouble, to endure my difficulties, or to grit my teeth until it was past. No, he said to “count it all joy.” JOY! Doesn’t that sound like an impossible reaction to hardship? It is, when I am relying on myself. I have the choice to make regarding my thoughts. God does the work in my life.

There are two sections of Scripture I would like to look at regarding our view of difficulties. These passages show me that God has purposes far beyond just getting through a struggle. What these verses teach me is that my focus is everything. My natural reactions put myself in the limelight. How does this affect my comfort level? Is this to my liking? Can I see anything positive in it? Scripture tells me that Jesus Christ is to be the center and object of my thoughts and therefore, as always, the focus. When this is true, then I can rest. Resting is the place of faith and trust in my sovereign God. It is acceptance that He knows what is best for my life. I am to count it as joy. When I receive trials with this attitude, then I am content. My joy is not in what is happening but rather in my relationship with Jesus Christ.

“Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us” (Romans 5:1-5).

“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. For we which live are alway delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh . . . For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:8-11, 16-18).

We know that our attitudes are, in large measure, the attitudes of the home as a whole. Seeing that Scripture teaches us contentment is important and knowing this from personal experience as well, may we seek contentment. May we begin to make the choice to “count it all joy” and to take “pleasures in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”

Can Dads Influence Their Children’s Spiritual Outcome? – Part 4

This was posted on February 1, 2003 by Steve Maxwell.

How deep is the sadness when parents lose their young adult children to the world. To lose them at a time when the sweetness of the parent-child relationship should be close to its peak makes this a high fall. To lose one’s child after years of investing heavily into his life through homeschooling makes the fruit of the loss all the more bitter. To most of us, it would make more sense to lose our children if they weren’t homeschooled. How is it that some homeschooled Christian children are being lost to the world? Is there nothing that we can do as fathers to train up God-fearing children who will love and serve the Lord? We continue with this heavy subject (read the previous months here).

I’ve copied that last half of the message the father wrote again for reference.

What I am seeking is good, practical advice on how and at what age to expose my children to the world. And how to keep from losing them to the world. (I’ve got a seven-year-old daughter, four-year-old daughter, a two-year-old son, and one on the way.) This isn’t the first time that I have heard people speak of sheltered kids getting out and “going nuts.” It seems to me that it would be best to expose them to the results of sin (chapel for recovering addicts, jail, etc.), as compared to them seeing “all of the pleasures and none of the guilt,” such as is seen at the mall, etc. Maybe even working this into some kind of a family ministry (although my children may be too young now, that is part of my question). This recent comment about the backsliding grandson has got me seriously considering self-employment and some kind of family businesses.

First, I would like to make a comment to answer the implied question this father asks, “How and at what age should I expose my children to the world?” Scripture would provide direction if that were the primary issue. However I believe the real question is, “How do I prepare my children to be in the world but not of the world?” Scripture has much insight on this subject, and that is the essence of what I have been sharing.

Initially, we saw that the starting point is an awareness that within our hearts is the potential for each of us to be ensnared (Matthew 15:19). The child who does not have a healthy respect for and fear of fire will likely get burned. The Christian who doesn’t have a healthy respect for and fear of what his heart is capable of will likely fall.

Next comes the whole issue of having and keeping our children’s hearts. If we have their hearts, they will listen to us and receive instruction from our hearts. That is why Solomon said, “My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways” (Proverbs 23:26). Solomon was instructing his son to give him his heart. He wanted his son to entrust the center of his very being to the care of his father. “Let thine eyes observe my ways” might be restated to, “Be attentive to the way I live life and be favorably drawn to it.”

Therein lies the tremendous responsibility that goes with having our children’s hearts. What have we done with the most precious trust we have received? Have we tenderly cared for their hearts or lashed out in anger at them? Can they trust Dad more than anyone else in the world and go to him when they have any sort of problem that needs to be shared?

Our children will give their hearts to someone or something, and that is what will have the greatest shaping effect on their life. “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Matthew 6:21). The person whom your child perceives as valuing him the most will have his heart. Does your child know that you care for him more than anyone else in the world? Do you tell him how much you love him and how special he is? Do your actions confirm your words? Do you spend time with him?

We communicate value in many ways. I think one of the most obvious and immediate is by our facial expressions and the tone in our voices. A person’s face brightens when speaking with someone who is important to him. This is especially obvious when a young man or young woman is speaking with someone in which they have an emotional interest. It is true of dads as well. Do the expressions on our faces indicate the delight we have in our children?

I’m not saying that we should put on false faces. We need to “tell” our faces how important our families are to us because our faces will communicate to them. Once the Lord convicted me of this and I became aware of it, I found it natural to smile at my children. When I saw them first thing in the morning, it was easy to brighten my voice, smile, and cheerfully greet them. I delight in my children. They are my greatest treasures. However, I had gotten lazy in communicating this to them. My face now tells them how much they mean to me.

I think that is why anger is so damaging. Next time you are around an angry person, watch his face. It looks awful and indicates such dislike of the person that the anger is directed toward. Is it any wonder that the child of an angry father is quick to give his heart to someone else? The child “knows” the parent does not love or value him, and he is going to find someone who will. Brothers, may we not justify ANY anger in our lives at all. Anger alone may drive our children away.

Solomon told his son to watch his ways with the goal of favorably influencing the child’s life. Unfortunately, even though Solomon was the wisest man in all the earth, his life had serious problems. Eventually he was disobedient, had out-of-control lust as evidenced by hundreds of wives and concubines, and allowed idol worship. We can see that Solomon’s children were watching his ways by observing the results in his children’s lives.

Our children know us better than anyone else (except maybe our wives), and they see what sort of Christians we really are. They know whether Jesus is more exciting to us or whether a sports event is. They know whether we are more inclined to want to read the Bible, spend time with them, read a magazine or newspaper, or watch TV.

The first priority for us is winning and keeping our children’s hearts. The second issue is what we are doing with those hearts as they will be drawn to what draws us. They will want to emulate their dad if there is any measure of heart attachment. The things that are important to you will likely be important to them. That is the power that having their hearts involves. I encourage you to ask yourself if your children are seeing a father who is sold out to the Lord or one who is living for the world.

My ultimate goal in having my child’s heart is to transfer his heart from me to his heavenly Father over time. It all begins when he comes to a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus. Then over time, I want my child to grow steadily more dependent on Him and less on me. The emphasis is on a relationship with Christ—loving God with all of his heart, soul, and mind. Children aren’t born with that love for Christ, but God does give them a natural love for their parents. We are to use that relationship to lead them into a relationship with God. It is to be a process of transferring their hearts from us to their Lord.

I love what God said about Abraham in Genesis 18:19. “For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.” With all my heart I want the Lord to say that about me, and I want my children to benefit from that blessing. I desire to raise children who love God with all their hearts and want to serve Him. Brothers, if you have your children’s hearts, what are you doing with them?

Contentment – Part 1

This was posted on January 1, 2003 by Teri Maxwell.

Recently I had a question posed to me about living a life of contentment. I expect this is something with which we can all easily struggle to one degree or another. Sometimes our lack of contentment is in material things, but often it revolves around spiritual desires—areas we know would be God-honoring if they were changed.

Here is what this mom writes:

It seems I am NEVER content with anything. So I decided to write a gratitude list, and it was huge. Then I tried to write a contentment list and there was NOTHING. So I wrote a discontentment list. They were things that I don’t think the Lord would be content with either.

I am grateful that my children’s behavior is improving, but I am not content with their behavior. I am not content. I don’t have a church. I am not content. I don’t have a godly husband. I am not content watching TV every night with my husband. I am not content. We live in such a remote place. I am not content that I’m not more self-disciplined.

For each of those things, there are areas I’m thankful about, but I am never content. I always want more. Just because they’re godly things I want more of, does that make it all right to live so discontented? The Bible tells us to be content. It also tells us to run the race. I don’t think I’m getting it! A mom

Paul tells us in Philippians 4:11-12 what his experience with contentment has been. “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.” Paul could relate to our struggles with contentment, and then some! Let’s look at the circumstances Paul faced that were a part of his road to learning contentment.

“. . . in labours more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequent, in deaths oft. Of the Jews five times received I forty stripes save one. Thrice was I beaten with rods, once was I stoned, thrice I suffered shipwreck, a night and a day I have been in the deep; In journeyings often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils by mine own countrymen, in perils by the heathen, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren; In weariness and painfulness, in watchings often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness. Beside those things that are without, that which cometh upon me daily, the care of all the churches” (2 Corinthians 11:23-28).

How could a man walking in obedience to Jesus Christ, who experienced these trials because of that obedience, say he had learned to be content “in whatsoever state I am”? What can we glean from him about contentment? What is Paul’s secret? What is it that helped him to accept the negative circumstances God allowed in his life?

Paul tells us in his own words, “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” (Philippians 4:13). It was Paul’s relationship with Jesus Christ that made him content. Our contentment does not come in our circumstances or lack of them, but rather in our relationship with Jesus Christ. “Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth” (Colossians 3:2).

In Paul’s life, it appears that his contentment was rooted in his total dependence on Jesus Christ and obedience to His will. Living in prison, being beaten and shipwrecked certainly could not have been pleasant experiences. However, Paul knew he was doing exactly what the Lord had told him to do. Therefore, he was content no matter what happened.

Dr. Adrian Rogers clarifies this further for us in his book The Lord Is My Shepherd. “Perfect contentment, the kind David discovered, only comes when a person puts his or her complete trust in the Shepherd. You will never have true satisfaction until you can say, ‘The Lord is my Shepherd’ and mean it. Then, and only then, can you confidently say, ‘I shall not want.’”

Vine’s Expository Dictionary defines the word “content,” used by Paul in Philippians 4, as “to be sufficient, to be possessed of sufficient strength, to be strong, to be enough for a thing.” Contentment as defined here is the ability to accept and withstand the circumstances, even negative ones.

One thing we may be dealing with is a difference between what biblical contentment truly is and what we, in our culture, think of it as being. We tend to define contentment as being happy with the way things are and having no desire for change. I don’t think that is the kind of contentment Paul means. Paul’s contentment was rooted in trusting his sovereign God in the situations he was experiencing. However, I expect Paul was happy to be out of prison when he was released.

How does all this relate to contentment in our lives as Christian wives and mothers? For a practical example, let’s take one area from the discontent mom, who shared her heart with us. Since we can probably all relate, we will consider our children’s behavior and find an analogous situation that Paul faced. “Beside those things that are without, that which cometh upon me daily, the care of all the churches” (2 Corinthians 11:28). We see regularly through Paul’s writings that the churches had problems and struggles. They needed to learn and grow. This is true of our children as well.

Did Paul’s contentment mean he did nothing concerning the churches, that he had no desire to see them change? No! Paul prayed for the churches, he taught them, he lived in their communities, and he admonished them. Paul did what the Lord directed him to do in relation to his work with the churches. However, his contentment did not mean he didn’t want to see these churches change. Rather, his contentment was an ability to trust the Lord to work.

Our goals for our children would be similar to Paul’s goals for the churches—that they would walk worthy of the Lord (Colossians 1:10). We obediently do what we are called to do by bringing our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). We pray for our children just as Paul prayed for the churches. Daily, always, in every prayer, without ceasing: these were some of the words he used to describe his prayers for the churches. Through Christ’s strength, we resolutely disciple and teach our children.

We don’t become weary when the task of raising our children is long and difficult. Our contentment is in our relationship with Jesus Christ and joy in Him rather than in what is or isn’t happening in our children’s lives. Contentment, then, means we rest in the Lord’s working in our children’s lives. “Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6). We keep our eyes on Jesus and trust Him.

In conclusion, I would like to share a story about a group of people who have had to flee their homes because of government military persecution. They have been forced to leave their lands, homes, and jobs. Many have lost lives as well. These people are living impoverished lives in refugee camps, in a country not their own, with only the barest necessities provided. They have been given no hope of a change in the future. However, here is the report of a visitor concerning some of the Christians in this refugee camp.

During this time in the camps, he heard singing constantly. Any time day or night, the Christians were singing or studying the Scriptures. They would study into the night and fall asleep at their table, then wake to study some more. At 11:00 at night people were singing. At 3 a.m. he awoke to hear people still singing. Before dawn and throughout the day, everywhere he went, people sang praise to God.

There is nothing in their circumstances to make these people content, yet the sound of their singing expresses contentment. They have nothing, and yet, because of Jesus Christ, they have everything!

As we desire to be the wives and mothers Jesus Christ would have us be, may we daily be content exactly where He has us. May we serve, love, and minister with hearts learning, as Paul did, “. . . in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content” (Philippians 4:11).

Can Dads Influence Their Children’s Spiritual Outcome? – Part 3

This was posted on January 1, 2003 by Steve Maxwell.

(Read the first parts of the series here.)

If you are like Teri and me, the issue of how children are exposed to the world is critically important to you. This topic is where the rubber meets the road in parenting: we either win or we lose after years of raising the child. We can do what appears to be a wonderful job in raising our children, and when we are close to the finish line, all can be lost.

We’ll re-look at part of what the father wrote in the second part of the series: What I am seeking is good, practical advice on how and at what age to expose my children to the world. And how to keep from losing them to the world. (I’ve got a seven-year-old daughter, four-year-old daughter, two-year-old son, and one on the way.) This isn’t the first time that I have heard people speak of sheltered kids getting out and “going nuts.” It seems to me that it would be best to expose them to the results of sin (chapel for recovering addicts, jail, etc.), as compared to them seeing “all of the pleasures and none of the guilt,” such as is seen at the mall, etc. Maybe even working this into some kind of a family ministry (although my children may be too young now; that is part of my question). This recent comment about the backsliding grandson has got me seriously considering self-employment and some kind of family businesses.

Last month I shared what I believe to be a critical attitude for our children and ourselves and how important it is in regard to our association with the world. I discussed how I believe that we would all benefit from the attitude that any one of us can fall into sin. We must own the fact revealed in Matthew 15:19: “For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.” This is just as important a truth for us as it is for our children. If we accept the fact that any of us can fall, and if we don’t really want to, then shouldn’t we welcome something that will help us avoid falling?

This month I want to share about something that I believe is at the center of parenting, although there is far more than can be written in one or two Corners. In a way this is a mini reflection of the essential element in our relationship with the Father. “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind” (Matthew 22:37). The Lord wants our hearts because He loves us and desires fellowship with us. Also, when He has our hearts we are far less likely to be drawn away by the idols of this world. The blood of Jesus enables us to enter into a heart relationship with the Father. When we are born again (John 3), we become the children of God (John 1:12-13). Notice how God uses “family” terms so we will understand heavenly truths.

This is a beautiful picture of, ideally, how our relationship should be with our children. In the Bible, we see a God Who loves His children so much He died for them. The Father desires, more than anything, fellowship with His children. He wants to spend time with them, listen to them, teach them, guide them and—in return He wants our hearts. The more we give Him our hearts, the more wonderful that relationship becomes.

This is true for the parent-child relationship as well. As parents we are called to sacrifice for our children, love them, spend time with them, listen to them, teach them, guide them and . . . We may be tempted at times to think we will be satisfied with mere outward conformity, but we really want their hearts. When we have our child’s heart, the older the child becomes, the sweeter the fellowship.

I was talking to a good friend a while ago and discussing the importance of keeping our children’s hearts. We agreed that we both believe it is the most important and most difficult challenge before a father. If only dads would become passionate about their children’s hearts, we would not see so many “children” being lost to the world.

Why is it that more dads aren’t concerned about keeping their children’s hearts? First, I think many would say that they are. Unfortunately, there seems to be a disconnect. It is impossible for a father to spend his time and mental focus on a number of other things (outside of work time) and have anything left for his children. There is no substitute for time, and we are lying to ourselves if we think we can just spend quality time because we aren’t willing to give quantity. It takes time and effort.

Why is having a child’s heart so important? Aren’t they going to grow up anyway? Yes, they are going to grow up whether you have their hearts or not. However, if you don’t have your child’s heart, you miss out on the tremendous blessing of your children as they grow up. You stand the very significant chance, I believe, of losing them. Keeping a child’s heart is like the shepherd who is constantly inspecting his flock. He knows the danger that comes if disease or pestilence takes root. The toll to restore the flock to health will be high, if the shepherd is even able to accomplish it. If you have your child’s heart you can quickly tell if something is drawing his heart away. You will sense a heart change and know something is wrong.

There was a time when I felt that the heart of one of my children was slipping away. During our weekly discussion times, there were more issues of increasing difficulty to work through. Instead of being able to share my concerns and know this child was receiving them, I could see this child was struggling. I was perplexed and couldn’t figure out what was going on. I began crying out to the Lord and seeking Him for answers. The Lord was faithful and showed me what the cause was. I shared this with the child, who was able to receive it. Soon, the sweetness was back in the relationship and our hearts were close again.

If I hadn’t had my child’s heart, I would not have noticed the drifting of the child’s spirit. I would have thought that it was a normal separation, due to growing older, and believed the lie that you should accept it and not worry about it. If you believe the lie, as it gets worse and you see changes in your child, you cry out to the Lord because you are concerned about the direction the child is heading. The more concerned you are, the more desperate and fearful. Finally, resignation sets in, and you now believe that everyone was right and rebellion is normal.

I don’t believe that having our children’s hearts means they instantly receive everything we tell them. At times I wish that were the case, but it hasn’t been my experience. However, I do think it means that we can talk on a very deep and intimate level, and they will listen carefully to what we say. It means they value what we say, and what comes from our hearts will weigh heavily on their souls. Isn’t this true of our relationship with the Lord as well?

There are things the Lord brings to us that we do not receive with open arms. When the Lord started telling me that I was wrong to have had a vasectomy, and He wanted to be in charge of when we had children, I was not thrilled. However, because of my relationship with Jesus and spending time with Him, I began to see why I was wrong in getting the vasectomy. However, I was not ready to accept Him determining how many children we were going to have. My spirit was troubled because I wanted to resolve the issue about more children. Finally, one day when I was home ill from work, I said in my heart, “Okay, Lord. Today is the day. I’m going to find out what you really think about children.” So I got out my Bible and concordance and began to look up what God had to say about children. I don’t remember how long I was at it, but I do remember finally being broken. With tears in my eyes, I said, “Lord, I now see how precious children are to You and that they are the best gift You can give, next to our salvation.” It appears that in a similar fashion those things that are on our hearts from the Lord will find acceptance by our children if we have their hearts.

Dads, I encourage you, no matter what the state of your relationship with your children may be, to make having and keeping your children’s hearts your highest priority next to your relationship with your Lord and your wife. If you feel it is too late and your children are rebels, there is still hope. (If that is your situation, one resource we would recommend is Dr. S. M. Davis’ audio, Changing the Heart of a Rebel). Years down the road you may well have deep remorse that you didn’t invest what was necessary to win and hold your child’s heart. Whatever it takes, do it. There is no sacrifice too great. You will never regret it.

There is another very important aspect to having our children’s hearts, and I will share about that next month as we continue to look at how to avoid losing our children to the world.

Can Dads Influence Their Children’s Spiritual Outcome? – Part 2

This was posted on December 1, 2002 by Steve Maxwell.

Last month we looked at the first part of what a dad wrote, and this month we will continue. To recap, we saw what God calls fathers to do in discipling their children. Now we begin evaluating whether/how children should be exposed to the world. This topic was going to be two parts, but it is such a critical subject, it will take longer.

The dad continues: What I am seeking is good, practical advice on how and at what age to expose my children to the world. And how to keep from losing them to the world. (I’ve got a seven-year-old daughter, four-year-old daughter, two-year-old son, and one on the way.) This isn’t the first time that I have heard people speak of sheltered kids getting out and “going nuts.” It seems to me that it would be best to expose them to the results of sin (chapel for recovering addicts, jail, etc.), as compared to them seeing “all of the pleasures and none of the guilt,” such as is seen at the mall, etc. Maybe even working this into some kind of a family ministry (although my children may be too young now, that is part of my question). This recent comment about the backsliding grandson has got me seriously considering self-employment and some kind of family businesses.

This is a problem as old as sin itself. We are to be in the world but not of it (John 17:11-16). We are to live around sin, but not be pulled into it. I believe that one of the most critical aspects of protecting ourselves and our children from the world is for them (and us) to see the dangers of it and how powerful it is. The poor person who feels he is stronger than the pull of sin is a likely victim.

The types of sinful temptations will vary between young men and young women. I couldn’t cover each one, but I think by using one as an illustration you will get the idea in general. So for the sake of example, let’s use men and the lust of the flesh as the basis for discussion.

With that introduction, what do Solomon, a pastor in his fifties, and a young man of twenty have in common? First, they all are men with male hormones. Second, they are all prone to falling prey to the lust of the flesh. Solomon, the wisest man in the world and given that wisdom by God, could not contain his lust. He disobeyed God when he sought wives of different nationalities. His lust brought him down below the level of a twenty-year-old, hormone-driven young man. Of all people, Solomon knew better and should have been faithful to his God, yet he failed miserably.

“But king Solomon loved many strange women, together with the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Zidonians, and Hittites; Of the nations concerning which the LORD said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall not go in to them, neither shall they come in unto you: for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods: Solomon clave unto these in love. And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart. For it came to pass, when Solomon was old, that his wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the LORD his God, as was the heart of David his father. For Solomon went after Ashtoreth the goddess of the Zidonians, and after Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites” (1 Kings 11:1-5).

Solomon was a man who heard God speak to him. He was the wisest man on the earth, but Solomon loved many strange women in spite of God telling him not to “go in to them, neither shall they come in unto you; for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods.” Yet parents will say, “Your son is an adult now that he is eighteen, and you need to let him go his own way.” Ughhhhh. That may be true if you don’t love him, but if you do, there must be MUCH more that goes into the decision than just how old he is.

You may say, “My son is very spiritually mature, and I have full confidence in him being able to resist moral temptations.” My question for you is, “Do you think your son is more spiritually mature than King David, a man after God’s own heart?” David saw that “. . . the woman was very beautiful to look upon” (2 Samuel 11:2), and in essence, David lusted after her beauty. Oh what danger “we” are in when it is readily accepted among Christians to “appreciate” the beauty of other women. Had David realized the trouble he was in right then and taken action—the sin, the separation, the consequences—most likely, none of these would have happened. “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). The level of sin we will accept has great bearing on what will be acceptable to our children.

David, the author of most of Psalms, was not spiritually above temptation or failure. So it would appear that just because a man loves the Lord with all his heart and has a heart after God’s, that isn’t enough to keep him from lust, adultery, and murder.

Have you ever heard of a pastor or man in spiritual leadership running away with a young woman and leaving a wife of many years behind? Most everyone has. Could it be that the pastor wasn’t aware of the consequences for such actions? Not likely. Most men in any form of ministry have observed others suffering due to their sin. Don’t they know better? Of course, but once the lust of the flesh kicks in, all reason goes out the door. Likely, this man tolerated an “acceptable” level of lust in his life thinking he could control it without consequences.

Have you seen photos of bomb squad members who were handling explosives in the attempt to disarm them or move them to another location? I imagine the protective gear and shields they use to protect themselves make Goliath’s armor look like a loin cloth. If you think about it, aren’t the bomb squads being overly cautious? When was the last time you heard about a bomb squad having a suspicious item blow up and injure some of them? So why does the bomb squad dress like they do and take all of those precautions? Could it be that they are aware of the serious danger they are in, and they are protecting themselves in the event something were to happen? Their cautions don’t appear to be because they don’t have confidence in themselves or their procedures. Rather, they know that you can’t ever be too careful and that, if something happens, the consequences can be disastrous.

Every man who desires to remain morally pure should have the same attitude of caution that a bomb squad has. The key to acquiring that attitude is understanding what Jesus said in Matthew 15:19: “For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.” In the Greek, the phrase, “For out of the heart,” refers to where these sins originate. Until we lose this body of flesh, we have to come to grips with the fact that we are our own worst enemy. We have to realize what we are capable of because it is bound up in our flesh. We have to understand it isn’t our great wisdom or our lofty spirituality that keeps us out of trouble. It didn’t work for Solomon or David or countless other mighty men that have failed through the ages, and it won’t work for you, our children, or me.

A young man (or father) will not take steps to protect himself if he doesn’t understand what is in his heart and how easily he can fall. If he thinks he is above falling, he doesn’t understand his own heart. I wonder if the main reason many men don’t flee lusts is because they are pleasurable. Could it be like the cute little wolf pup that is found by a man in Alaska? He brings it home, cares for it, and raises it to an adult, only to have it one day suddenly turn on him and kill him. That is one reason why our family doesn’t watch TV. With the programming and commercials that are broadcast these days, television can easily stir up sinful lusts. That is also why we don’t go to movies, many summertime activities, and even the circus any more. They are designed to entertain, but one of the ways they do that is to stir up lust in the men who are watching.

Our children must be taught the depravity of their hearts and not to trifle with sin. Do they have a father who walks as close to the line of sin as possible or a dad who desires to walk as close to the Lord Jesus as possible? I’ve heard some say, “I’m just appreciating her beauty.” But in Proverbs 6:25 we read, “Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids.” Jesus was clear in making the connection between lusting in one’s heart and committing adultery. It is sin. What are we teaching our children by word and example?

If the children see Dad condoning, by his viewing entertainment, the things of the world, we should not be surprised to see them “going nuts” trying to embrace the real thing when they finally have a chance. If sin is not called sin, what is to stop them? If they don’t understand the mighty fire that the flesh contains, will they want to protect themselves?

Our children must be raised in a home where Christ is alive and Deuteronomy 6:6-9 is lived out. They must see that they cannot have confidence in their spiritual maturity or wisdom to keep them from being drawn in by the world. The world “knows” how to stir up a person’s desires and then what to offer to feed those desires. Our children should understand that they are capable of being drawn. “But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed” (James 1:14).

How about you? The Lord Jesus sees your heart and knows what goes on there. Are you playing with fire? Have you accepted that which is unacceptable to your Lord? If so, you will likely offer little counsel to your children in helping them avoid being ensnared by the world. Prayerfully ask the Lord these questions until next month when we will continue with this critical topic.

Can Dads Influence Their Children’s Spiritual Outcome? – Part 1

This was posted on November 1, 2002 by Steve Maxwell.

Recently, a father wrote about a number of issues that should be near and dear to the heart of every father who wants to raise children to love and serve the Lord Jesus. I thought I would share some thoughts on the first part of what he wrote this month and then discuss the last part next month.

We live a pretty controlled life. We dress plain. We built ourselves a small cabin to live in, in order to “Owe no man any thing, but to love. . . .” My wife homeschools, and we keep our kids with us constantly. (We can’t even trust either set of grandparents to maintain our level of protection.) No TV, etc., although we do take the kids shopping and to church (only three families in the church, including us [and no other children]).

The brethren in the church we fellowship with believe that you can’t really guarantee that your children will be saved. Both of them, godly men, have children that don’t follow the Lord (one of them had all his children slip away). They even have a grandson who was homeschooled, but went away when he got into the work world. A dad (To be continued next month.)

Praise God for the heart of this dad! Did you sense the love he has for his children and that he is willing to live any way necessary to raise men and women of God? No wonder he is concerned by what he is being told.

I, too, have heard a number of others, including Christian men in leadership, imply that you can’t guarantee how your children will turn out. They indicate that no matter what you do, a child may still rebel. Those types of statements can be so discouraging to dads who have hearts for their children. Personally, the guarantee I am putting my trust in comes from God’s Word—that He Who is faithful and begun a good work in my children will complete it (Philippians 1:6).

Look at 1 Timothy 3:4-5, where one of the qualifications for a bishop (elder) is listed. “One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?).” Next, look at Titus 1:6, where the bishop’s (elder’s) children again determine his qualification for office. “If any be blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children not accused of riot or unruly.” God said if someone is to be an elder then his children can’t be rebellious, and in Titus 1:6 we read that they must be faithful. The idea is that if an elder can’t raise his children to love the Lord, he won’t be able to lead a church either. I don’t believe God would have made that a requirement if it weren’t a reasonable thing to expect.

First, let’s evaluate carefully those from whom we hear these kinds of negative statements. It is always reasonable to cross-examine a witness bringing testimony. In court, under cross-examination, a testimony may be discredited, or thrown out, if there is reason to doubt the accuracy of what is being reported. The purpose in this case is not to condemn those who have “lost children,” but rather to understand and learn from them. My experience has been that upon careful scrutiny there seems to be justifiable reasons why a child might rebel in his teens and not serve the Lord as an adult.

Just because the men (mentioned at the beginning of the Corner) making those statements appear to be godly, this doesn’t mean they (who said children can go astray) actually raised their children in a godly home. It doesn’t mean the men were godly when they were raising their children. It doesn’t mean that the men’s hearts were turned toward their children. And even if the children were raised by godly men in a godly home, it doesn’t mean the children weren’t exposed to harmful influences that drew their hearts away.

This has been a subject of great interest to me through the years. As such, when I have met someone with wayward children, I will gently ask the father some subtle questions while we talk. My questions will vary depending on how well I know the person, but the following are representative of what I try to discover.

How was the Lord Jesus lived out in the home? Did they have a daily family worship time? Was it a time the children enjoyed? Did Dad lead it? Did he like leading it? Did they eat together as a family? Did they worship together? Did Dad, Mom, and the children have personal devotions each day? Was it a good or a dreaded time?

What influences were there to pull the hearts away? Did the dads feel like they had their children’s hearts and, if not, who did? How much time did Dad spend with the children? Did he have two jobs requiring long hours out of the home? Was there a TV in the home? (I believe this was less of an issue 30 to 40 years ago, but is a critical issue now.) Did they go to movies? How important were friends in their children’s lives? What did the family do when Dad wasn’t working? What did they do for entertainment and recreation? Did they minister to anyone as a family or individually? Two important questions nowadays: are the children homeschooled, and are they in a youth group?

Another big issue is to sense if the dad has an angry spirit. Children will not draw close and trust a parent who is angry or even has a spirit of anger. I believe that this alone can drive children away.

These questions aren’t to condemn anyone, but I think they can be very indicative of how the child will do as an adult. I hope that the “right” answers don’t bring to mind an unattainable, perfect family. If they do, it is only because the drifting of the current “church” in our country sees what should be normal life for a Christian as extreme. The answers to my questions present a picture of whether Deuteronomy 6:6-8 was being lived out in the home, whether Dad’s heart was lovingly turned toward the children, and what harmful influences were pulling at the children.

Also, I don’t want you to think for a moment that I believe that if you follow a simple list of do’s and don’ts, your children won’t rebel. I’m not saying that at all. James said, “. . . I will shew thee my faith by my works” (James 2:18). The essence of what I try to find out is just how the love for (and of) the Lord Jesus Christ and His Word is lived out in a home. I believe that is an indication of how real a presence the Lord Jesus had in the home and whether the children will want to live for Him themselves.

Now, to understand the basis for my questions, let’s take a brief look at Deuteronomy 6:6-8. “And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes.”

Notice that the words of God’s commands must be in Dad’s heart. What we treasure and love is in our hearts and is the essence of our very beings. “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Matthew 6:21). What is in our hearts will come out in our words and actions. No one knows Dad like those living in the home.

The Lord shall be taught diligently to the children. Have you noticed how it is almost impossible to train a bad habit out of your children that you haven’t personally conquered in your life? Our children observe how we live out our faith. Our life must affirm what we are teaching them. If we don’t live it as we teach it, then we shouldn’t be surprised if they don’t choose to live it either. If we live a life of hypocrisy, our children will want nothing to do with our “religion.”

My heart is deeply grieved by how many professing dads don’t live Christ out in the home. “Thou shalt talk of them” conveys that we will so love the Lord Jesus that our talk is seasoned with Him. He is the salt that flavors and adds real meaning to what is being discussed. Those topics that are being discussed will not be the things of the world with a little religion added in once in a while.

In the original language, the word for “diligently” carries the picture of how one sharpens swords and arrows. It is far more than just casual discussions of the Lord during the day. It is a purposeful decision to do something that is important. It takes effort and care. You don’t put an edge on a sword or a point on an arrow carelessly. It takes determination, skill, and careful observation of the progress being made with each sharpening stroke. We are to continuously, skillfully, and methodically share Jesus with our children.

I have “spoken” with some who believe they can’t fulfill Deuteronomy 6 unless the dad is working from the home and has his children with him. I would encourage any father who feels this way to question whether he is doing everything he can with his family life in his current vocation. Is Dad having a personal time with the Lord each day? Is Dad gently coaxing each child to spend time with the Lord each day? Is Dad leading the family in a time of Bible reading and worship each day in the home? If not, I don’t believe coming home is the answer.

Why not find another man and hold each other accountable? Ask each other specific questions each week while remembering it is not a list of do’s and don’ts that determine how your children will turn out. How much do you love the Lord your God, and how are you living that out in the home? The questions are merely an attempt to catch a glimpse of what is going on.

A dear brother and I were discussing the difficulty of a father keeping the hearts of his children. We wholeheartedly agreed. There is nothing more difficult, time consuming, and worthwhile than a father striving to keep the hearts of his children while directing them to Christ. Dads, it is a tall order, but we can’t quit and assume “we have arrived” for a moment. The enemy seeks our children.

The Case Against Anger – Part 4

This was posted on June 1, 2002 by Teri Maxwell.

To read Parts 1, 2, and 3, please see this link. We have been evaluating the real-life problem of anger in moms. While our hearts’ desire is to be “victorious, joyful mothers of children,” it is not unusual to find a mom struggling instead with angry feelings—perhaps day after day after day.

Let’s return to the situation of Spanish time with my son. Remember that by God’s grace in my life, yelling at the children was overcome ten years ago. I didn’t raise my voice with my son during Spanish. However, he sensed anger in me. I like to call it frustration because it sounds better. When Joseph kindly confronted me with my attitudes, I tried to deny it. After all, I didn’t yell, stomp, or slam a door, so I must not have been angry. He was right, though. I was no longer interacting with him in my normal way.

What about choosing simply to close my mouth and say nothing if I am beginning to feel at all angry, irritated, or frustrated? Proverbs 19:11, “The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.” Consider my Spanish situation with Joseph. In this case, I am not even sure we are looking at a transgression on Joseph’s part. It only would have been a transgression if Joseph wasn’t trying to learn the Spanish phrase as we worked on it, but instead purposing to be uncooperative. Whether it was a transgression or not, the verse still applies in this instance. Had I just continued to repeat the phrase for him without the other comments I was making, we would eventually have moved beyond the problem. How much better to spend the rest of my tutoring session on this one area than to be angry with Joseph simply so we could complete the material at a faster pace!

Another step toward overcoming my anger is awareness of all my angry responses—from the first feelings of anger to irritated tones in my voice to an outwardly evident angry response. My struggle is with wanting to justify that anger, especially when it seems under control and unnoticeable to others. I don’t want to fight a battle with anger, and if I am not angry, I won’t have to do that. It is much like the proverbial ostrich with his head in the sand. However, when I admit that the angry feelings are there, then something can be done about them.

The Lord has also shown me the importance of physical touch and closeness in overcoming anger. When I am feeling angry, I want to distance myself from the other person. I don’t feel close; therefore, I don’t want to be close. Distance between the child and me then fuels the angry feelings. On the other hand, if I choose to put my arm around the child, pull him into my lap, hold a hand, or pat a back, the anger begins to dissipate almost all by itself. It is very hard to be angry with someone you are loving on!

Ephesians 4:32 says, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” When I am faced with a situation concerning my children where I feel like responding angrily, obviously the Lord’s way would be to handle it instead with love, kindness, and gentleness. Proverbs 25:15, “By long forbearing is a prince persuaded, and a soft tongue breaketh the bone.” Anger seldom knows anything about a “soft tongue.” That does not mean there won’t be consequences for wrong behavior in the children. However, it does mean that I am not contributing more to the problem by being angry.

Sometimes I have been told, or heard it said, that anger is a human emotion, and we must express it, within limits. Consider with me a comparison of two moms, one who believes anger is an acceptable human emotion and another who sees anger as sin, praying and working to overcome it in her life. In which home would you want to grow up? In which home do you think the children will feel more loved? Which home will produce angry children? Which one will produce children who are sometimes angry, but know how to deal with it in a godly manner?

Recently I took three of my children to the public library. There we had the opportunity to watch the interactions between an angry grandfather and his angry grandson. My children were mesmerized by the scene unfolding before them. It was a bit frightening for all of us even though the anger did not go beyond words and raised voices. On the drive home, we discussed what we had observed. The children were very aware that if people will act like that in public, they will be considerably worse in private. We had an opportunity to talk about what happens in lives when anger is not dealt with properly.

Again, recall with me the situation of my boys bickering while cleaning their room. My goal is to encourage them to learn to work diligently and responsibly. I also want them to be young men who will praise each other while seeking to motivate, in a positive manner, the brothers who aren’t doing what they are supposed to be doing.

Here were the words I found myself speaking with a tone in my voice that my boys can recognize as irritated—fueled by angry feelings although you might not recognize the tone since you don’t know me well. “Here I have given you time to do your pickup that you should have done before school started, and what are you doing? Being unkind to each other! You should each be working hard, thanking each other for the help, and responding positively if your brother tells you that you need to put something else away.”

I believe the results I desired would have been more quickly achieved had I been quiet longer, listening to the boys’ interactions and really evaluating what was going on. That would have given me time to pray, asking the Lord for the fruit of the Spirit to be evident in my rebuke of the boys and thanking Him for the opportunity to teach them God’s ways. Then my tone could have been sweet and gentle. My words would have pointed out their wrong behavior and consequences given if necessary—all without anger!

Truly, as I evaluate the road I have been walking along toward victory over anger, I realize it has not required much of me. Here is what it has entailed:

An awareness of the problem
A heart’s desire to change
Humility
Time (but not all that much compared to the joy to be experienced on all sides)
Putting self aside

While there were times I wanted to give up and decide I was an angry person and always would be, God never allowed my heart to be satisfied with those thoughts. I yielded; He is doing the work! He has brought me to where I am in this battle—not having yelled or slammed a door for ten years. He continues to work as He molds and refines me to overcome even the tones in my voice and concealed reactions that stem from anger.

“Cease from anger, and forsake wrath . . .” (Psalms 37:8). Dear Sisters, may anger be a feeling that we want replaced in our lives by the fruit of the Spirit. May we be zealous enough in our efforts to give it no place in our hearts that we will spend time in earnest prayer about it and seek forgiveness when we fail. Let’s draw our children close to us with hugs, squeezes, and whispered sweet words, fostering an environment where anger cannot thrive. May we truly allow the Lord to give victory over anger in our lives.

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