Category Archives: Dad’s Corner

Aspects of Being a Good Leader – Part 2

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Last month I shared that being a good leader of the home involves making wise decisions. The most critical aspect of how to make a wise decision is being “plugged into” the One Who is wisdom personified, and that is Jesus Christ. Since He has a plan for each of our lives, we must seek Him to find out how He would have us lead our families. “Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations” (Jeremiah 1:5).

There is a trap that is easy to fall into when leading our families. This trap caused a man to make one of the worst decisions ever recorded in the history of mankind. This man was warned not to make his bad decision, but because of his pride he would not listen. He knew what he should do, but he just couldn’t make the final decision properly. It was his pride that caused him to make this poor choice.

Pilate sentenced the innocent Lamb of God, Jesus Christ, to die a cruel and torturous death on the cross. God used a bad decision for our good as it was necessary for our salvation. God foreknew which decision Pilate’s pride would lead him to make.

Pilate’s wife had warned him. “When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him” (Matthew 27:19). In His mercy God gave Pilate a second chance to avoid making this horrible decision. Because of his pride, he would not listen to his wife.

Pilate himself knew that Jesus was innocent, “. . . saying, I am innocent of the blood of this just person: see ye to it” (Matthew 27:24). Pilate called Jesus just! He had rendered the proper evaluation of Jesus, yet Pilate still made the wrong decision.

Pilate’s position of power was the most important thing to him, and the Jews knew it. “And from thenceforth Pilate sought to release him: but the Jews cried out, saying, If thou let this man go, thou art not Caesar’s friend: whosoever maketh himself a king speaketh against Caesar. When Pilate therefore heard that saying, he brought Jesus forth, and sat down in the judgment seat in a place that is called the Pavement, but in the Hebrew, Gabbatha” (John 19:12-13). Pilate’s love for himself and his position is what finally caused him to pronounce a death sentence on Christ, even though he knew Jesus was innocent and being falsely accused because of the Jews’ jealously. You see that in our pride, others are expendable for our selfish motives.

Pride is such an awful thing. It causes us to worry about what others are going say about us if we make a decision they don’t like. Pride is what makes us want to take a poll before we make a decision so we can keep our families happy. Unfortunately, we want them happy so they won’t cause us any trouble.

This is such a terribly sad thing to see in families. For example, what if the children want to watch TV and worldly movies? What if your children decide they no longer want to be homeschooled? What if a daughter wants to dress in tight, seductive clothes? What if the teens want to participate in youth group? I believe we are in agreement that our children can put a tremendous amount of pressure on us. Our pride, thinking of ourselves, may lead us to make the wrong decision. I wonder how many parents of a pregnant, unwed daughter have later regretted decisions they felt they were pressured into.

Please don’t misunderstand. Love for others and wanting them happy is a good thing. But if we are in a position of leadership, that is not to be the basis for a decision. We must be committed to make the right decision regardless of whether people like us for them or not.

All three of the decisions I mentioned last month could have produced people who were unhappy (ranging from disappointed to irate) with me, depending on what I chose. It would have been a safe decision, and easiest on the family, to have Sarah stay home. She would have been disappointed, but she was at peace with whatever I chose. Certainly I knew she would be thrilled to go. I felt God telling me she was to go. I rejected the windows, and as a result, the company discovered an easy cure for the manufacturing defect. Not only am I pleased, but others will benefit as a result. Lastly, I chose to stick to what I believe God’s leading was regarding the message board post. Yes, the woman was exceedingly displeased and expressed it with no little passion. However, it was the right decision.

The Jews would have been extremely upset with Pilate had he released Jesus. This would have been a real test of what kind of man Pilate was. I find that it is an incredible test for me, too, when I make an unpopular decision. About six years ago, I decided we were going to change churches, and the family was not pleased with my choice. I had agonized over the decision and believed the Lord was saying we needed to change, but the family was involved and comfortable where we were attending. I made the decision that we needed to change, and we did. Time has a way of proving decisions, and soon the family all saw that it was God’s plan for us.

I have also made poor decisions in the past because I struggle with pride. Two decisions in particular come to mind, and both had to do with one of my children. This child is very skilled at applying emotional pressure. Instead of dealing with the root cause, I gave in on both decisions. Over time my heart convicted me, and I asked that child’s forgiveness. In addition, the child and I jointly chose to reverse those decisions.

Pride will also lead us to make stupid decisions. “And Hezekiah hearkened unto them, and shewed them all the house of his precious things, the silver, and the gold, and the spices, and the precious ointment, and all the house of his armour, and all that was found in his treasures: there was nothing in his house, nor in all his dominion, that Hezekiah shewed them not” (2 Kings 20:13). Hezekiah’s pride caused him to want to show those representing the king of Babylon everything of value. In return, the king of Babylon would later attack and carry away all of the treasures Hezekiah had shown the Babylonian emissaries.

Pride may lead a father into purchasing a bigger house or a fancier car just so he might feel good about himself. We have also heard of wives who say that their husbands want them to dress immodestly to show off for other men. Those types of decisions can lead to situations that might be regretted in years to come. Severe money problems and moms who feel used are recipes for divorce. Just like Hezekiah’s poor decision, our decisions prompted by pride may not have immediate consequences, but the consequences will come nonetheless.

There is so much more that could be said about how our pride will cause us to make terrible decisions. However, we can see the serious danger our family is in when we make decisions that are influenced by our pride. “When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom” (Proverbs 11:2). Our Lord will give us the right decision if we will humble ourselves.

May we be men of God and pray, “Lord, may I cling to You and know Your mind so I may serve those You have called me to serve. May I protect and lead them in the way You would have them to go. Lord Jesus, enable me to be a man of God.”

Aspects of Being a Good Leader – Part 1

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For months Sarah had been looking forward to visiting very special friends in New York State. Then, with the heartbreaking events of September 11th on the East Coast, Sarah’s air travel became an item in serious question. I needed to decide whether she should go or not.

Recently, we had three windows replaced. Unfortunately, the windows all had a manufacturing defect that was discovered after they had been fully installed. The windows worked, but they were very noisy when they were raised or lowered. I really struggled with whether to accept them “as is” or call to see if they could be fixed.

We received an e-mail from a mom who was very unhappy that her post on one of our message boards was not approved. She had promoted something that was unacceptable according to the board’s guidelines, and therefore, her post was not approved. She questioned us by saying it is a free country and why couldn’t she, as a Christian, voice her opinion and spark a good, “healthy” discussion? She had “loaded both barrels” and aimed them at us. What should my response be?

I don’t know about you, but I would rather not have to make difficult decisions or face confrontation! I want for people (especially my family members) to like me and for all my decisions to be good ones. Yes, my family is supposed to follow me even when I make stupid decisions, but it is much easier for them to trust in my leadership if I am making wise choices.

Answers to the above issues I faced would have come far easier had my father taught me how to make a godly decision. I suspect there are a few of you dads whose fathers did teach such things, but I don’t believe too many have had that blessing. Just think if husbands had training in decision-making, how much better we would be prepared to lead our families.

At some point in a career, most of us have probably had a boss who struggled with making wise decisions, and as a result, the department/company suffered. If we will reflect back for a moment on how it felt to be under the authority of someone like that, it should help us understand how the quality of our decisions make our wives and children feel. When we make good (godly) decisions, our families will rejoice (although not always at the very moment), and when we make bad ones, they will be tempted to complain and criticize.

Making wise decisions is an important part of being a good leader. So how can we learn to make wise decisions and, in turn, teach our children how to do so? I can only share what I observe in Scripture and what God has taught me through failures.

First, everything must have a beginning, a point of reference, a foundation. What is yours? Is your beginning at the foot of the cross?

Those who are saved can look to their Lord for direction with confidence that He will direct their paths. “I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye” (Psalms 32:8). “For this God is our God forever and ever: he will be our guide even unto death” (Psalms 48:14). “Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory” (Psalms 73:24). Look at what confidence a believer can have when needing to make a decision.

Imagine being able to ask the God of creation, Who knows the beginning from the end, how you should make a decision. That is so amazing; all believers have the same opportunity. All have been granted access to the King to lay their petitions at His feet. Brothers, what good news that is for our families!

Imagine for a moment what navigation was like immediately following the invention of airplanes. A pilot was on his own when he was flying. There were no radar installations, no radio navigation aids such as instrument landing systems or Vortac transmitters. A pilot could not even radio someone for directions. If he wasn’t good at following roads, then his passenger was in trouble.

Now think of the assistance that a pilot has today. Most have on-board radar, radio navigation, flight tracking computers, radar on the ground, radio communications with flight controllers, and probably even global positioning system equipment that pinpoints their position. Never has it been easier for a pilot to decide his flight path and what the conditions will be like en route.

The assistance a pilot has from technology and air traffic controllers is similar to what we have available from the Father through the Lord Jesus Christ. When a pilot takes off toward a certain destination, he does not worry about how he is going to get there. He has a flight plan, and he is counting on certain externals to help him make the trip. That is the way it is for Christians. We have a destination plotted out for us, but there are storms and unforeseen challenges that tend to blow us off course, appearing to threaten progress. We must rely on the One Who is sovereign to direct us according to His will and good pleasure. Men, there is such peace in that for us and those who are “traveling with us.”

A while ago we had a difficult decision to make. I had brought it before my Lord on a daily basis and felt I understood the direction He would have us go. I remember telling Teri about it, knowing she might have some concern about the ramifications. She looked at me and said, “I have seen you seek the Lord and how the Lord has directed you previously. He has never steered us wrong, and I want you to know that I’m trusting you.” I can’t tell you how that made me feel. I think of that fairly often, and even now it is such a blessing to me.

The problems we face are wonderful tools in the hands of our Lord that He uses to draw us closer to Him. They also are great training opportunities for us to use with our children as they see us encounter difficulties and then observe how we respond to them. The three problems I mentioned at the beginning were excellent vehicles to draw me closer to Christ as I sought His will. “But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption” (1 Corinthians 1:30). Jesus is wisdom personified. May we embrace Him Who is able to give us the direction we need to lead our families.

Do Real Men Ever Become Fearful?

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In the spring we went through some difficult times. I have no doubt it could have been worse. I imagine that had it been years earlier, I would have lost many hours of sleep.

Christopher, my twenty-two-year-old son who works with me, was heavily involved in publishing a yearbook for foreign Army officers. We ended up spending extra time on the layout because one section in particular was not provided to us as we had requested (and in the manner on which we had based our cost estimate). That led to overrun on the design estimate. Then when it was printed, the yearbook pages began falling out—in the customer’s hands! We had to work with the customer and our printer to get the books repaired and redistributed before the officers left for countries around the world. During these challenges, I was extremely busy on another project that consumed my thoughts and time. In addition, we had several other problems that surfaced, plus I had a presentation I needed to complete, and it was not coming together. I don’t remember ever feeling such pressure—it was awful.

Then, fairly recently, we faced another time of intense pressure. There were no clear-cut answers to the numerous challenges that we faced. It easily could have become more than I could bear.

In Matthew 8:23 we read about Jesus and His disciples entering a boat to depart to the other side of the lake. The disciples were obediently following Christ’s direction. Verse 24 reads, “And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep.” Several of the men were fishermen and would not have been surprised by a storm. However, this day it was a terrible storm. It was so bad that the ship was covered by the waves, and they thought they would perish. They would have been accustomed to storms; however, this one was so severe they feared for their lives. (It occurs to me that my petty problems were not life threatening and nowhere near the severity these men faced in the storm.)

The disciples were helpless. There were no flares to be shot, distress signals to be radioed, or life vests and boats to be relied on. It was grave, and they had every reason to believe they were about to drown. What could they do?

The disciples did exactly what I would have done. In their terror, they went to the Lord Jesus, Who was asleep. They were deeply afraid and likely had no preconception concerning how Jesus could help them out of their crisis, yet they still went to Him. (This lack of preconception is obvious by their amazement after He stills the storm.)

There have been many times when bad news has arrived, and the only thing I could do was go to our bedroom, lie on the floor, and pray. I can now see that usually my prayers were motivated by fear. I know men aren’t supposed to be fearful, but often I respond to outward pressure with fear. It may be fear of failure, of being embarrassed, of financial loss, or of conflict. I may call that fear many things such as uncertainty, concern, worry, or doubt, but I think if I were to strip away everything else and ask God to examine my motives, most often fear is at the root.

Consider the difficulties we had with the yearbook. When we exceeded the estimate, there was fear of a confrontation with the customer. When the pages fell out, there was fear about not being able to deliver a quality product and our customer being upset. A disgruntled customer produces fear of financial loss. On and on it goes, with fear being at the heart.

Let’s look at Matthew 8:26 and read, “And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? . . .” By every appearance they were about to drown while Jesus slept. They were at the point of losing their lives. Jesus didn’t ask them why they woke Him up or why they weren’t baling water. While the wind raged in their ears, Jesus asked them, “Why are ye fearful?” Jesus knew exactly why they were fearful. He had a teachable moment and wanted them to think. Clearly, they were afraid to die, but the deeper cause was their lack of faith that Jesus was God.

I worked for a company that was laying off their employees. It is an awful thing to see the fear that runs rampant in men’s lives when they are faced with losing their job. It is very sad indeed. It would seem reasonable for a man to fear losing his job. However, in Matthew 6:30-34 Jesus says a man has little faith if he worries about what he will eat and wear. Worry and fear are closely related; they go about as co-conspirators, hand in hand to trouble us.

My heart aches when I hear of brothers and sisters in Christ who are facing persecution. It would be natural to be afraid of persecution. In Matthew 10:22-26 Jesus told His disciples not to fear persecution because of Him. He continues to tell them not to fear those who would kill them.

You and I are going to encounter problem after problem in life. How we respond to them is very important as it can have a significant effect on our children’s belief in a sovereign God. May we be bold encouragers of their faith and not fuel the fear that is so natural in children.

So where might we begin? The commands, truths, and promises of Scripture are what I often cling to. We see from Matthew 6:30-34, 8:26, and 14:27 Jesus’ admonitions not to fear under difficult circumstances. Then we read, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).

Next, we are to run to Christ. We should not approach with a doubting spirit, wondering, “Can the Lord deal with the situation?” as the possessed young man’s father did in Mark 9:22. He said to Jesus, “. . . but if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us.” We are not to be like the disciples in the boat. Jesus did not rebuke them for coming to Him. He rebuked them for not having faith. If we lack faith, then like the possessed young man’s father may we cry out, “. . . Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief” (Mark 9:24). Our Lord is so merciful and understanding that He will help even our unbelief if we will ask.

I don’t know of anyone who enjoys difficulties. However, there is a big difference between enjoying them and being at peace in them. God has a purpose in those pressures. Problems are going to come, and they will be used by the Lord in our lives. Jesus used the situations to teach the disciples. We need to look at the problems and challenges we face as opportunities to deepen our faith in the Lord. It is easy to trust Him when things are great, but when a child is ill, business is slow, or there is great pressure, our faith is being refined.

“Take away the dross from the silver, and there shall come forth a vessel for the finer” (Proverbs 25:4). It takes intense heat, much greater than just the heat to melt silver, to burn the dross away. The problems we face can be extremely uncomfortable for us, so much so that we cry out to the Lord to “turn down the heat.” Even though we don’t see Christ or we think He may be sleeping, we must believe that He hears our prayers and is at work in our life. “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

The disciples could have sat down and said, “Jesus is with us, if we die we die.” But that wasn’t the answer. They were to go to Him, not in fear, but in faith. Isn’t that what He was teaching them when He fed the four and five thousand people?

We must encourage ourselves that the trials and refining of our faith will result in greater challenges as we grow in the Lord. First the disciples had Jesus in the boat when they were in the storm. The next storm they encountered was with Jesus not in the boat with them. They were doing exactly what Jesus told them to, and yet they were encountering severe difficulties. When it was time, the Lord came to them. Maybe their fear was the reason they did not recognize Christ. I would like to know if they were crying out to Him. My guess is that they probably weren’t; otherwise, they would not have been so surprised to see Him.

Fear is a terrible master. It robs our joy and prevents us from properly responding to situations. It is likely we will never react to a situation correctly when fear is the stimulus. However, may we welcome—yes, welcome—our difficulties as opportunities for the Lord to refine our faith. It is with pressure that He conforms us to the image of His Son (Romans 8:29).

May we be men of God and leaders of our families. “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness” (Isaiah 41:10).

“Dad, Are You in Danger?”

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“A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished” (Proverbs 22:3). I don’t believe I have ever met a dad who would consider himself simple. However, there have been times in my life when I acted in a simple fashion, and I expect that might be true of many dads as well.

Over fifteen years ago, I took a test to qualify for a sales position. It was a personality profiler, and if my profile matched the standard, I could transfer to a potentially lucrative sales position in the company. If my personality wasn’t similar to the top sales performers they evaluated, then I would stay in my present job. I passed the test—not because I was similar to the other salesmen, but because I knew how they would answer. Did I lie or cheat on the test? Of course not! Well, at least not according to my reasoning.

I moved my family away from friends, a wonderful church, and across the country from Florida to Washington. I soon was a failure in my job! Everything that could go wrong was going wrong. This simply did not make sense since God had always blessed my work in the past.

I could have saved my family and myself a lot of hardship had I discussed the test at length with Teri. She has such a sensitive spirit that she would have immediately seen that I had not responded honestly on the test. She would have cautioned me about heading down a path based on deceit.

I read about a rancher who made a very bad decision. He had greatly benefited by some men’s help, but later, when he had the opportunity to help them in return, he was rude and offensive. His words were so inflammatory that these men purposed to kill the rancher and the men in his household.

The rancher was a good example of a poor leader. His foolish behavior led his wife to feel the need to step in and take leadership. Sadly, that is exactly what happens in many “Christian” homes today. Dad will make a poor decision, and his wife will attempt to come to the rescue to protect the family from perceived consequences.

Frequently Teri and I will observe the agonizing dichotomy a wife is faced with because of her husband’s decisions. The wife knows the husband is the head and supposed to lead the family, yet she sees the consequences that are looming ahead. She sees herself with two choices. First, she could decide to be submissive and let the consequences, which may ultimately be used by God to teach her husband a lesson, come upon the family. Second, she could decide to usurp her husband’s role, jump in, and possibly miss a growth opportunity.

The rancher I mentioned above was Nabal in 1 Samuel 25. He was so simple his name actually meant “fool.” Nabal’s wife Abigail understood the situation and knew her husband was in grave danger. She decided to take charge and appease David’s anger. Was it for the best? Only the Lord knows. In the end, God chose to take Nabal’s life even though David decided not to attack.

Many unbelievers purchase radar detectors for the purpose of breaking the law and avoiding the consequences. In some states radar detectors are illegal because they circumvent the authorities’ ability to punish wrong choices. The owners rely upon these devices because they don’t want to receive the very punishment that may help them make better, law-abiding decisions. Nathan and I went to breakfast years ago with a state senator who had a radar detector in his car. I couldn’t believe it. Here was a man who was responsible for making laws with a device built to circumvent the law. The lost may choose a radar detector, but may a man of God never consider it.

I believe God has equipped wives with a special sensitivity to know when God is about to chastise the husband. Think of your wife as a God-given, legal radar detector of sorts. This “consequence avoider” is given for the purpose of learning before the chastisement is sent. If only we would receive this “help” and humble ourselves by listening to our wives’ counsel, I believe we would have the God-given opportunity to learn before the trip to the woodshed.

At one time we were renting an enormous, poorly insulated house in Washington. It was the only rental we could find. We were heating it by wood because fuel oil for the furnace would have been very costly. Unfortunately on some days, the county imposed a wood-burning ban on everyone who did not depend on wood for their primary source of heat.

Using my great rationalizing abilities (Teri has another example in her August 2001 Mom’s Corner), I decided that since the fuel oil was prohibitively expensive, our wood stove was our primary source of heat. I was completely satisfied with my decision. Every time I heard the ban announced on the radio and the mention of the consequences for those caught, it did not bother me in the slightest. I was at peace.

Oh dear brothers, may I encourage you to never justify a decision solely because you are at peace with it. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard people use that as a reason the decision they made was the right one, when even a cursory, objective study of a few appropriate Bible verses would reveal otherwise. “He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered” (Proverbs 28:26).

We are sinners at heart and must be on guard because the heart is wicked and deceitful. We can selfishly justify anything. Divorce, adultery, pornography, stealing from an employer (time or materially), and breaking the law (my wood-burning example) can all be rationalized. “Only fear the LORD, and serve him in truth with all your heart: for consider how great things he hath done for you. But if ye shall still do wickedly, ye shall be consumed, both ye and your king” (1 Samuel 12:24-25).

One day on the way to church the subject of the wood burning came up. Teri, in a very gentle way, shared that she believed I was breaking the law. I expect you can guess how I responded. I did the only natural thing and was offended, becoming angry with her. How could she say that? Didn’t she understand how expensive it was to burn that fuel oil for such a large house? What she didn’t understand was why I would choose to break the law.

It didn’t take long before the truth of her words broke through my hard heart. I humbled myself to her, asked forgiveness for my anger, and made the decision to turn the oil furnace on. What would have been the consequences had I not listened? I believe someone would have turned me in, and I would have been fined. Maybe the greatest negative result would have been that my testimony would have been harmed had I continued burning wood. I think we too often forget about how our neighbors view our wrong decisions.

As members of the body of Christ, when we make choices contrary to God’s Word, the world notices and mocks God. When a Christian gets a divorce, generations will suffer. When Christians commit adultery, even if the marriage survives, the scars will never be removed from those involved and probably from the children as well. When a man commits mental adultery using pornography, he will never be the same again, he will torture the heart of his wife, and his prayers will be cut off until he repents (1 Peter 3:7). The list goes on.

There may be some men reading this who are in grave danger. “. . . There is a sin unto death: I do not say that he shall pray for it” (1 John 5:16). 1 Corinthians 11:30 says, “For this cause many are weak and sickly among you, and many sleep.” There are times when the Lord will send sickness and death to chasten. Paul was referring to men who were taking the Lord’s Supper and had not dealt with sin in their lives. It is very likely that there are some men reading this Corner who are at serious risk.

There may be many others who have ignored the cautions of their “consequence detector” and may be facing some difficulties that could have been avoided. Why put yourself and your family through it? Why not ask your wife if there are areas that she has expressed a caution about and that you haven’t heard? Then take those before the Lord with a repentant heart, and ask the Lord what you should do.

There are others who may be missing out on blessings that God desires to give you. I have observed that often it is the wife’s heart that appears to be sensitive to the Lord’s promptings.

Dads, may I encourage you to go to your wife and ask her if there are issues that are on her heart that she either has brought up previously or has been afraid to bring up. I know there can be times when I will not want to listen to what Teri may be sharing. Usually, the subject matter is something that is a little painful, and I would rather not hear her. I’m not implying that just because Teri has a caution I will automatically receive it and respond to it. However, I have learned that I had better be prayed up and have good Scriptural basis for not responding to her counsel.

God has given each of us a marvelous helpmeet and equipped her with great sensitivity. May we each listen to our wives’ counsel in order to grow and avoid consequences. May we be men of God and take our wives’ counsel to the Lord and His Word for confirmation (God may not confirm it, but we must take it ever so seriously). When God does take us to the woodshed, may we be men about it and humble ourselves to our family, admit our failure, and share what we learned from it.

God bless each of you as you endeavor to be a man of God and lead your family in His ways.

A Sure Test of Worth

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There is a skill that every father needs to learn and then be able to teach his children. It is essential for effectively sharing the love of Christ with your family and others.

Without this ability, you and I will leave people with the impression that we think we are more important than they are. The absence of this is particularly evident at social gatherings. The ones with it are a pleasure to be around, while the ones without it are boring.

If you don’t develop this skill, your wife may doubt that you really care for her. If you don’t practice it with your children, someone else may steal their hearts away from you.

Jesus was a Master of this. In fact, He amazes me every time I read that He did it. Sometimes I cannot understand why He did this, other times it was pretty obvious. What is this skill?

I commented briefly about it in last month’s Corner from Mark 9:21, when Jesus asked a boy’s father, “How long is it ago since this came unto him?” Jesus is God, and He knows everything. Why did He ask the question? Was He seeking a confession or some information He did not know? I believe Jesus asked the father the question because He wanted to draw the father into a conversation in order to reveal needs in the father’s life.

Jesus was accomplished in the art of asking questions. Why is the ability to ask questions so important in life? First and foremost, it communicates worth to the person you are asking because it says that what they are thinking is important to you.

To my shame, there have been times when Teri was describing a situation to me and “in all my great wisdom” I’ve quickly figured out the solution to her problem. I’ve interrupted her with answers she was seeking. However, what I really did was to communicate that she wasn’t as important as my time. I had given her a swift answer so I could get on with other things. Jesus could have quickly healed the father’s son mentioned in Mark 9:21 without any communication, but He didn’t. He took what time was necessary to get to the heart of the matter, which included growing the father’s faith as well as delivering the son.

That is why questions are so important. What if I were to wait until Teri finished describing to me her problem? Then, what if I asked her a few questions to verify that I understood the situation, gleaning additional clarification as needed? Wouldn’t this communicate that I care about what is important to her and am putting her interests first?

Another example might be the times I’ve been out all day and haven’t had a chance to speak to Teri. Finally I come home and ask her about her day, how she is feeling, or if she had any problems. Aren’t I telling her that I love her and that she is important to me by asking the questions and being attentive to her answers? Who am I communicating is the most important if I’m only interested in telling her about my day?

The same is true with our children. Communicating heart to heart involves asking our children questions about their struggles, their likes and dislikes. It is an excellent way of showing genuine interest in them and getting to heart issues.

We cannot effectively witness to someone without asking him questions. It is very difficult to communicate the love of Christ while “verbally shoving” something down someone’s throat—and that is what a constant stream of words does.

Consider the following examples. “Jim, you need to be saved so you won’t go to hell. You need to confess you are a sinner.” Or, “Jim, where do you think you will spend eternity? Would you be interested in learning what the Bible has to say about it?”

“Donny, I have seen you being very mean to your sister, and it better stop.” Or, “Donny, I’ve observed you having some conflict with your sister lately. Would you tell me about it? Has she offended you in some way? Shall we talk about it?”

It will help a child throughout his life if he learns how to ask good questions as a means to get to know others. Think how common it is to spend time with someone you don’t know very well. What better way to get to know something about that person than by asking questions?

Years ago, our evening family altar time was interrupted by a knock on the door. Nathan, then thirteen years old, jumped up and said he would see who it was. He stepped outside and didn’t come back in for quite a few minutes. When he finally returned, I asked who had been at the door. He said it was one of his lawn-mowing customers. I asked if there was a problem, since he was gone for so long. Nathan said, “No Dad, there was no problem, we just got started talking.” The gentleman Nathan was talking to was probably fifty years his senior, but because Nathan is skilled at asking questions, he was comfortable talking to just about anyone.

We have found communicating through questions to be essential for our monthly visits to the City Union Mission. The men we “visit” with are often not refined in their social skills. Carrying on a conversation can be quite difficult at times. Questions that require more than a simple “yes” or “no” answer are the primary arsenal for chipping away the hardened outer layers of these men.

Questions are a surgeon’s tools for getting to the heart of man. When guided in a gentle but purposeful fashion, they will unlock a great treasure. They can bring to light hidden hurts that have been long buried. They can be the key to discovering deep waters. When I sense a closed spirit in Teri or the children, loving questions will uncover issues that I need to address or offenses I have committed.

How can we teach our children to gracefully employ the art of communication though questioning? Practice with counsel makes one skillful. Fellowshipping after church or with dinner guests provides wonderful opportunities for children to practice their communication skills. Encourage your children beforehand to think of questions they can ask. Then have them practice the questions with you prior to the guest’s arrival. That way you can help them learn what is appropriate to ask and how to be gentle with the questions.

I suppose the most difficult aspect of asking questions for a child is learning what is appropriate to ask and what is not. Questions about the guest’s physical appearance are always the most risky. One we have learned to shy away from is, “So when is your baby due?”

There are some dangers with questions. As I just mentioned, some questions are inappropriate because the relationship or an assumption can prove false. Questions can be blunt, insensitive, demanding, or too many. Our tone while asking is very important and often will tip the scales toward appearing caring or toward being pushy and demanding.

Teri and I are amazed at how often we encounter people in social settings who will never ask a single question about our family or us. It isn’t that we are dying to tell them about ourselves, it just makes the conversation much easier and more pleasant. By their not asking any questions, they appear to be interested only in themselves, and we run the risk of appearing nosy after asking them question after question.

I would encourage each dad to evaluate his communication skills in questioning. A good place to start is by asking your wife if she feels you show interest in her. Do you ask her about her day, her needs, and her cares? If you aren’t doing this, repent of your selfish focus. Then begin to ask your wife and children questions to communicate that you are putting them first and caring about them. Make this ability to use questions a priority in your life, and then teach it to your children.

I have found the art of asking questions one of the most important skills I have. I must give credit to two people in particular. One was a man who taught a sales seminar I attended in 1982 on being successful in sales. The other person is Teri’s mother. She is gracious and skillful in interacting with others, and I see much of this is due to her ability to ask questions.

Dads, may we be ready instruments in our Lord’s hands through our communication skills and equip our children to be the same. These children will then be comfortable in social situations and will bless you.

Don’t Give Up

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A couple of weeks ago, I was speaking with a dad and mom at a homeschool conference. They were sharing about some difficulties with their son. They admitted making many mistakes. As a result, they had a very rebellious son on their hands. This couple was at the point of wanting to give up on the child, letting him go his own way.

I also met a precious mommy who had a very young child stretched across her lap. I commented about how peaceful the resting child looked. She told me that her baby had a fatal disease that caused him to be so limp. I watched her lovingly use a suction bulb to clear her son’s throat and then give him something to eat through a feeding syringe.

My heart broke as I learned they had lost other children to the same disease. There was not a trace of bitterness in her voice, just a tenderness that was the result of a suffering heart submitted to the Potter’s knowing touch. Undoubtedly, the family would continue to minister to this child until the Father took him home too.

In Mark 9:14-29, we read an account of a man who brought his son to Jesus to be healed. A mute spirit possessed the son and would attempt to destroy the child by casting him into the fire or water. It would have been a terrible situation for the parents because the son’s life depended on their keeping vigilant watch to protect him. There were likely many times that the father or mother had to react quickly to save their son from destruction.

Think about it. What hope did that father have of his son ever being cured and living a normal life? There was no hope! It would have been reasonable for the father to have despaired, forsaking the child. Even if that father had access to today’s medical technology, it would have been of no benefit in dealing with a demon-possessed son.

As some read this, a child of yours may be in a grave situation. Others may be like the Maxwells. While we have no rebellious or terminally ill children, at any given time we have issues with some of our children for which we don’t have solutions. These issues aren’t life threatening, but they would hinder a child from being all that God intends him to be. For example, we have a child who is struggling in a particular area of his schoolwork. We have tried many different remedies, and none have worked. At times it has seemed hopeless. It has been extremely frustrating for the child, for Teri, and for me.

With others of our children there are often areas that weigh on our hearts. Character issues of varying degrees are common for us to wrestle. It would be most pleasant if there weren’t ever problems in our home, but that has yet to happen. I suspect that the source of our difficulty is that both parents in the Maxwell home are sinners (saved by grace, but still sinners) who are committed to raising men and women of God. To make things even more challenging, each of our children is a sinner (saved by grace, but still a sinner).

Homeschooling moms should be the most content, joy-filled moms on the face of this earth. Why? Because they are being obedient to their Lord as they invest themselves in the lives of their children. Unfortunately, it can be a very difficult road to walk. Why? Because they are face to face with the rough areas of their children all day long. (Other moms may not see their children in the same light, most likely because someone else is spending most of the day with their children.)

Homeschooling moms see their children when they are being slothful, irresponsible, argumentative, and even deceitful. This is like an arrow to the mom’s heart because she is pouring her life into her children. She desires that they become men and women of God. Raising children is a long-term project, and it is often difficult to see the forest through the trees. It is easy for Mom to come to the point where she asks, “Why try? This is the same problem we have been battling forever, and it is no better!”

However, dads don’t usually have the same “opportunity” to observe their children’s sin all day long. Therefore, we may tend not to view it as seriously as Mom does. We can reassure our wives that it is okay, and after all they are just children, but that is not going to solve anything. In fact, that kind of response could lead to a situation where the parents wake up one day and ask themselves how they raised a rebellious teenager. So what is the answer?

First, I must communicate with my wife. I need to foster a relationship with Teri where she wants to share her struggles with me and can trust me with what she says. I’m ashamed to say that there have been times when I was not attentive to her words, or I did not take them seriously.

When Teri sees that I have taken responsibility for finding a solution, it is like a weight is lifted from her. That is the way it must be, as she is the one yoked to me. I am to bear the weight of her yoke in the same way the Lord bears the weight of my yoke.

In order to take responsibility for finding solutions to difficulties in our children’s lives, we can start by praying. As Teri listens to my prayers, she will sense the urgency of my soul communicating the need to my Lord. If I fully own the responsibility, it will be the prayer on my heart during the day. That also means I’m likely to have questions for her about possible solutions or areas in which I need clarification.

When the need is the prayer of my heart, I’m like the father in Mark 9. He could have told his wife that he was busy taking care of the crops and didn’t have time to take his son to Jesus. If he did take the child to Jesus, they might not have enough to eat. Back then, just providing for a family was difficult enough. Isn’t it easy to rationalize that it is a man’s job to provide for the family, and the wife’s to take care of the children? That father knew he was ultimately responsible for his child. He was going to do whatever it took to find help for him.

We must be tenacious. The father in Mark 9 wasn’t satisfied after the disciples couldn’t free the son. He sought to get close to the Lord as soon as Christ came down the mountain. He did not leave with his son when the disciples weren’t successful. He probably saw Jesus as his son’s only hope. That is true for us as well. Christ is our only hope of true solutions in the home.

When Jesus was now involved, He did a curious thing in verse 21. “And he asked the father, How long is it ago since this came unto him?” Why did the Lord ask him how long the son was like this? The Lord knows everything and didn’t need to ask him. He could have quickly cast out the demon and gone on to the next, but He didn’t.

The Lord drew the father into a conversation. The Lord had a target that was as important as healing the son. The father replied, “. . . Of a child. And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us” (Mark 9:21-22). Christ now had revealed what He wanted exposed—the father’s lack of faith.

We would be wise to realize that many of the struggles in our home are for our spiritual benefit. We have as much to gain from the situation as the child with the problem.

“Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief” (Mark 9:23-24). The father has now responded from his heart with obvious emotion as he proclaimed what faith he had and asked the Lord to help him have greater faith. Dads, are we owning the needs of our family with the willingness for the Lord to work first in our lives? He desires to use every difficulty and trial we encounter as opportunity for building our faith and trust in Him. Will we let Him?

We may be tempted to see these problems as nuisances and hindrances to our getting along with life when, in fact, they are stepping stones to growth in Christ. It is easy to miss the blessings that God intends for us in properly resolving these issues. Paul said in Philippians 4:12, “I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.” He said that he knew how to be abased and hungry. I’m sure there are many stories Paul could share with us as to how he suffered. Yet, we read in verse 13, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” That is the prize held out to us if we are but willing to receive the process as well.

Dads, it is good to suffer under the weight of family struggles if we will bring them to our Lord. He wants us to own them and bear them to Him. We need to be willing to be abased as we lead our family and be willing to suffer. We must not give up just because we can’t handle the difficulties. We can’t resolve them ourselves, and it is our lack of faith that causes us to think we can figure it out alone.

Just like that precious mommy with the failing child, we must let Christ work in our lives. Those parents are in God’s crucible, and their faith is being refined. If they let Him, He will purify and polish their faith to a luster that will reflect the light of Christ. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren” (Romans 8:28-29).

Dads, are we willing to do the same? Are we willing to own the difficulties of raising men and women of God for our Lord? Are we willing to let Him work first in our own lives? My prayer is that we are. God bless, dear brothers. May we be found faithful.

Preparing Sons Real Life Stories

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I recently spoke with a homeschooled, eighteen-year-old young man of whom I think highly. Let’s call him Eric. He is friendly, respectful, and I have not observed him being silly like many others his age. Unfortunately, there is one disappointing aspect of his life—he has not been working toward acquiring the necessary vocational skills needed to earn a living once he graduates from high school.

What makes it worse is the golden opportunity Eric has had. Eric’s father is a computer programmer and would love to have his son learn programming. His father has also produced and sold a number of software products that require telephone customer service. In addition to learning programming, Eric could also have learned valuable customer support skills.

As Eric and I talked, I continued pressing to find out why he hadn’t been studying and learning programming. Finally, when he ran out of evasive, general answers, he blurted out the real answer—he wanted to continue trying to make a go of his graphic arts business. What this really meant was that he was too focused on the desires of his heart. He did not understand how God uses parents to lead and equip children. His desire to learn graphic design caused him to ignore his parents’ counsel. He was unable to look down the road a short distance, past his heart, to see how God might use programming to establish a vocational and financial foundation for him.

Eric is a man and needs to be working hard—especially considering the three or four years of vocational learning opportunities that have been lost. I explained to Eric how programming and graphic arts complement each other very well. At least this is what we have found in our business. Had he listened to his father, he could have learned programming during his final years of high school and been working full time, for a good wage, upon graduation.

The high school years are vitally important to young men as they prepare for their future. Homeschooled children have a wonderful opportunity that others lack: they are able to tailor their curriculum toward God’s future vocational leading.

As well as a strong focus on God, character, and academics, we have tried to maintain a concerted vocational emphasis for our children in their junior and high school years. Christopher, our second born, spent extra time learning accounting and computer-based design. Upon graduation he became the Chief Financial Officer of our fledgling company. It was wonderful because he was ready for some real challenge and we had a need for him to fill that role.

Now, four years later, he truly deserves the title. He does a superb job managing the financial side of the company as well as doing all the computer layout and design we need. His earnings are on par with his responsibilities. His goal of buying his first house debt free, like his twenty-four-year-old brother just did, is looking very feasible.

I hesitate in sharing some of these details because I don’t want to boast. However, I do want to encourage you. Homeschooling moms and dads are blessed to be able to prepare their children for life in ways that others can only dream of. Homeschoolers should never think of homeschooling just as a way to teach their children, but as a golden opportunity to ready each child for his future. Even though many public high school graduation speeches talk about the graduates being equipped for life, I know from my own experience that was not the case.

Is the ability to purchase a home debt free a good goal for sons? Think about what a burden rent and/or mortgage payments are. They pressure men to choose work in places where Christians should not be employed. I have also known men, under tremendous financial pressure due to their mortgage, who participated in unethical and illegal business dealings. Concern over loss of income should never hold a Christian to a job with which his Lord would not be pleased.

Now can you see why we have presented our children with this goal of a debt-free house? Many parents may see saving for a house as unrealistic because a mortgage payment has hounded them through their marriage. However, I would encourage you to ask the Lord if it might not be a worthy goal for your sons.

Teri and I would have loved to provide our children with homes according to Proverbs 19:14, “House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the LORD.” Unfortunately, we are nowhere near being able to do that. However, we can provide them with room and board for as long as it takes them to save up for their house. Even then it is our desire that they would continue to live with us until God provides them a spouse.

If a young man has prepared well during high school, he should fairly easily be able to earn thirty-five thousand dollars or more a year when he graduates. Start with a yearly income and then subtract tithes, offerings, and taxes. Then money must be put aside for transportation, insurance (medical and auto), and other incidental expenses. If your son is frugal he should be able to save 50 percent or slightly more of his income while living at home.

Within six years from high school graduation your twenty-four-year-old son will have saved one hundred thousand dollars, not counting any appreciable interest. I find that very exciting. If he earned less than thirty-five thousand a year, it just means he must save a little longer.

Depending upon the location, size, and age of the house your son will purchase, he might not even need one hundred thousand. There are so many possibilities and intriguing options, but nothing happens unless a son has a vision, and you help him prepare.

My sons have found that as they accumulate a significant amount of savings, the interest starts to really add up. This has given them a true appreciation for earning, rather than paying, interest. That is where the battle is won! When you are successful in motivating toward a goal, your sons will own that goal and work toward achieving it.

As Eric and I ended our conversation, I told him I was going to keep asking him, every time I saw him, until he began studying programming in earnest. I admit I was a bit pushy, but I felt God’s leading so strongly that I was very forthright when I might otherwise have been subtler.

Since our conversation I’m delighted to say that Eric has really begun applying himself to the study of programming. He is now able to see that his father’s leading was correct and how the skill of programming will benefit him.

I am anxious to see the day when Eric is bringing in a reasonable wage for his efforts. He is a serious enough young man that I don’t expect him to waste his money on frivolous things but to save toward a house. What an incredible benefit that will be to him as he begins his adult life.

We have known Troy for quite a while. He was homeschooled, and his first job was as a two-week temporary assistant to the most junior employee in the company. Troy was hired to move heavy archive boxes in the basement. Being his first real job, Troy was determined to do his best regardless of how menial the tasks. That doesn’t sound like an impressive start to a career, does it? However, it was amazing to see how God was working. While doing his work assignments, he did his best to learn the archiving system of the company. He also tried to perform each task quickly so he would be available to do other “little” things for his boss.

His temporary position was extended, and after a couple of months, he replaced his “boss” as archiving manager for the company. Throughout the next year or so, he completely redesigned the archive system from the bottom up. This included designing a new database and tracking system for more than 4,000 boxes of information.

Computers have always interested Troy, and he found himself helping various people in the company with small projects in his spare time. While not an expert in formulas and the financial aspects of spreadsheets, his desire to learn enabled him to create, fix, and modify spreadsheets. Thus he began to be used in the process of converting the company’s spreadsheets from Lotus 1-2-3 to Microsoft Excel. After a while he was doing spreadsheet and database consulting full time. He completely redesigned their largest financial spreadsheet (which was made up of seventeen inter-working spreadsheets) in a three-month-long development project.

Troy began working for minimum wage, and within two years his hourly rate had climbed to twenty-five dollars an hour. He has chosen to go on to college and has found it extremely easy to continue earning that amount doing contract work for another company near his school. Think about how easy it would be to remain debt free through college by working part time and summers for twenty-five dollars an hour.

My encouragement to you is that any homeschooling parent can have confidence that their son can provide a good income for his family with the proper preparation. This requires determination and hard work on your part and your sons’, but the results are well worth it, lasting a lifetime.

For more information on raising sons who can provide for a family, please see Preparing Sons to Provide for a Single-Income Family.

In His Image

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Special Note – Before you read any Dad’s Corner, may I share a caution? Dad’s Corners are from a father’s heart to another father’s heart. It is our desire that these Corners would build the family up and never create a controversy between a husband and wife. It is possible to undermine our goal if a mom read and agreed with a Dad’s Corner and the husband didn’t. Never would we want to undermine respect for Dad in the direction he has chosen for the family. Therefore, we would encourage moms not to read Dad’s Corners first, unless as a couple, you have discussed and agreed who should read the Dad’s Corner.

Teri and I take great delight in observing families. Most often we see physical characteristics that are common between the children and their parents. It may be hair color or facial features. Usually there is something that causes us to say, “I can tell they came from the same ingredients.” It becomes especially obvious the more children there are to compare.

Isn’t it a wonderful thing what God did when He designed the procreation process? The image of the parents is impressed on the children. Many of our physical and even behavioral characteristics become a part of our offspring. There is one family in our church where the father is six foot seven. You ought to see his two sons. One of them has just now surpassed his father. I remember when my sons became taller than me several years ago. It felt very strange and was no small event for them.

I wonder how much each of us resembles our Father in heaven. I’m not referring to mankind in general, even though we were made in His image. I mean those who have been born again by the blood of the Lord Jesus. That transaction made God truly our Father, and we became His offspring. I wonder how much we resemble our Father

Jesus evaluated men’s conduct and associated their conduct with their father in John 8:44. “Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.” Because the Pharisees would not welcome truth, Jesus stung them with sharp words by calling them the children of Satan. Here were the religious leaders of Israel being called sons of Satan, and Satan was called the father of lies.

We read in Deuteronomy 32:4 about God, “He is the Rock, His work is perfect: for all His ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is He.” Our Father is a God of truth, and Satan is the father of lies. That puts falsehood and truth in a very black and white light. If Jesus made this distinction and likened those who embraced lies to being in the lineage of Satan, it would seem that born-again believers must endeavor to always speak and live truth.

Recently, Teri and I were watching some videotapes by a well-respected Christian teacher. He referred to a statement he spoke to his child. Then he told the audience with a bit of a wink, “I was lying to him.” One other time, he acknowledged in a lighthearted fashion lying to someone. I must admit my respect for this person took a hit just then. Here he was expecting us to believe he was telling us truth, and at the same time admitting there were circumstances where he chose to lie.

I have no doubt this man endeavors to live by and preach truth; however, we must shun anything false. I believe it damages the reputation of Christ when we don’t. “Remove far from me vanity and lies: give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me” (Proverbs 30:8). If we want to walk in righteousness we must not lie, as “A righteous man hateth lying: but a wicked man is loathsome, and cometh to shame” (Proverbs 13:5).

I believe that one of the most pungent Bible verses is, “A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it; and a flattering mouth worketh ruin” (Proverbs 26:28). Here we see that from God’s perspective, we hate the one we lie to. If we loved him, we would speak truth to him just like our heavenly Father speaks truth always to us.

One of the greatest struggles I have is my desire to be funny. Sometimes the easiest way to get a chuckle is to say something that isn’t true. I know it is wrong, and yet it can create this battle in me as to whether I will say it. Usually, I just “swallow the words,” but there are times, especially if I’m tired, that they will come out. Then after we have all laughed, my spirit convicts me.

The conviction to speak truth is what initially led us to quit Santa Claus at Christmas. We realized that, according to Scripture, we could not love our children and lie to them. Yes, that also meant that the “tooth fairy” and “Easter bunny” were eradicated – never to darken our door again.

It is so easy to get caught up in all of our warm, fuzzy memories of being a child and in not wanting our children to miss out on anything. However, it is my greatest desire that my children would not miss out on having a God-fearing father who loves the Lord Jesus with all his heart. If God says I must shun falsehood, then I am not going to justify lying to my children for any reason.

I think what happens is that often we dads can be short-sighted and not patriarchal minded. It is so easy to live for all the fun this world has to offer and lose sight of eternal things. This year I will turn fifty and that seems old, but even if I lived to be as old as Silas (a delightful young man of 97 years old), what is that in comparison with eternity? Nothing!

I want my children to think of Jesus’ resurrection from the dead when they think of Easter. Yes, the Bible doesn’t tell us to celebrate “Easter,” but we are told to remember. We choose to “remember” in a more focused way on the day that even unbelievers expect Christians to celebrate. In my opinion, it would be far better to not celebrate Easter at all than to have any part of the “Easter bunny.” It is not truth, and to let something else detract from the most glorious event ever – the celebration of the death, burial, and resurrection of the Lamb of God, the Lord Jesus Christ – is unthinkable. We do celebrate and remember Christ’s resurrection weekly when we worship, but we choose to make Easter a special remembrance.

If we were somehow to find a way to celebrate Easter and spiritualize the Easter bunny in some fashion, I believe we would have a situation analogous to Exodus 32. Aaron had just made the golden calf while Moses was on Mount Sinai receiving God’s law. After Aaron finished crafting the calf and building an altar for it, he proclaimed, “Tomorrow is a feast to the LORD” (Exodus 32:5). Aaron announced it was to be a feast to Jehovah, the true God of Israel. Only God knows exactly what was going on in Aaron’s mind, but from the outside it appeared to be incredible double-mindedness. Let’s look at what happened in verse 6 when the things of the world were mixed with the worship of the true God: “And they rose up early on the morrow, and offered burnt offerings, and brought peace offerings; and the people sat down to eat and to drink.”

That does not sound too bad. They had a very spiritual time with their offerings and then a meal. Then we read on that they “rose up to play.” This was not righteous play. We learn later that they were naked. Whatever Aaron intended led to something very unholy.

Please understand, I’m not saying that families who choose to celebrate Easter and include the Easter bunny are guilty of the idolatry we read about. I am not making that judgment in any way. What I am saying is: we can see from Scripture that if we mix truth with something false, the result is negative. Nothing holy will be inspired in the minds of those we are called to bring up in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

Dads, please understand, I’m not condemning you if you do make a choice different from mine, that isn’t my place. However, it is my prayer that I will challenge you to consider things in a new light and encourage you to love the Lord Jesus more and walk according to His Word. May God be merciful and gracious to you and may you be the head of many godly generations

“And the LORD passed by before him, and proclaimed, The LORD, The LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth” (Exodus 34:6).

Job Woes

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Teri and I take great delight in observing families. Most often we see physical characteristics that are common between the children and their parents. It may be hair color or facial features. Usually there is something that causes us to say, “I can tell they came from the same ingredients.” It becomes especially obvious the more children there are to compare.

Isn’t it a wonderful thing what God did when He designed the procreation process? The image of the parents is impressed on the children. Many of our physical and even behavioral characteristics become a part of our offspring. There is one family in our church where the father is six foot seven. You ought to see his two sons. One of them has just now surpassed his father. I remember when my sons became taller than me several years ago. It felt very strange and was no small event for them.

I wonder how much each of us resembles our Father in heaven. I’m not referring to mankind in general, even though we were made in His image. I mean those who have been born again by the blood of the Lord Jesus. That transaction made God truly our Father, and we became His offspring.

Jesus evaluated men’s conduct and associated their conduct with their father in John 8:44: “Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.”

Because the Pharisees would not welcome truth, Jesus stung them with sharp words by calling them the children of Satan. Here were the religious leaders of Israel being called sons of Satan, and Satan was called the father of lies.

We read in Deuteronomy 32:4 about God, “He is the Rock, his work is perfect: for all his ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is he.” Our Father is a God of truth, and Satan is the father of lies. That puts falsehood and truth in a very black and white light. If Jesus made this distinction and likened those who embraced lies to being in the lineage of Satan, it would seem that born-again believers must endeavor to always speak and live truth.

Recently, Teri and I were watching some videotapes by a well-respected Christian teacher. He referred to a statement he spoke to his child. Then he told the audience with a bit of a wink, “I was lying to him.” One other time, he acknowledged in a lighthearted fashion lying to someone. I must admit my respect for this person took a hit just then. Here he was expecting us to believe he was telling us truth, and at the same time admitting there were circumstances where he chose to lie.

I have no doubt this man endeavors to live by and preach truth; however, we must shun anything false. I believe it damages the reputation of Christ when we don’t. “Remove far from me vanity and lies: give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me” (Proverbs 30:8). If we want to walk in righteousness we must not lie, as “A righteous man hateth lying: but a wicked man is loathsome, and cometh to shame” (Proverbs 13:5).

I believe that one of the most pungent Bible verses is, “A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it; and a flattering mouth worketh ruin” (Proverbs 26:28). Here we see that from God’s perspective, we hate the one we lie to. If we loved him, we would speak truth to him just like our heavenly Father speaks truth always to us.

One of the greatest struggles I have is my desire to be funny. Sometimes the easiest way to get a chuckle is to say something that isn’t true. I know it is wrong, and yet it can create this battle in me as to whether I will say it. Usually, I just “swallow the words,” but there are times, especially if I’m tired, that they will come out. Then after we have all laughed, my spirit convicts me.

The conviction to speak truth is what initially led us to quit Santa Claus at Christmas. We realized that, according to Scripture, we could not love our children and lie to them. Yes, that also meant that the “tooth fairy” and “Easter bunny” were eradicated—never to darken our door again.

It is so easy to get caught up in all of our warm, fuzzy memories of being a child and in not wanting our children to miss out on anything. However, it is my greatest desire that my children would not miss out on having a God-fearing father who loves the Lord Jesus with all his heart. If God says I must shun falsehood, then I am not going to justify lying to my children for any reason.

I think what happens is that often we dads can be short-sighted and not patriarchal minded. It is so easy to live for all the fun this world has to offer and lose sight of eternal things. This year I will turn fifty and that seems old, but even if I live to be as old as Silas (a delightful young man of ninety-seven years old), what is that in comparison with eternity? Nothing!

I want my children to think of Jesus’ resurrection from the dead when they think of Easter. Yes, the Bible doesn’t tell us to celebrate “Easter,” but we are told to remember. We choose to “remember” in a more focused way on the day that even unbelievers expect Christians to celebrate. In my opinion, it would be far better not to celebrate Easter at all than to have any part of the “Easter bunny.” It is not truth, and to let something else detract from the most glorious event ever—the celebration of the death, burial, and resurrection of the Lamb of God, the Lord Jesus Christ—is unthinkable. We do celebrate and remember Christ’s resurrection weekly when we worship, but we choose to make Resurrection Sunday a special remembrance.

If we were somehow to find a way to celebrate Easter and spiritualize the “Easter bunny” in some fashion, I believe we would have a situation analogous to Exodus 32. Aaron had just made the golden calf while Moses was on Mount Sinai receiving God’s law. After Aaron finished crafting the calf and building an altar for it, he proclaimed, “. . . To morrow is a feast to the LORD” (Exodus 32:5). Aaron announced it was to be a feast to Jehovah, the true God of Israel. Only God knows exactly what was going on in Aaron’s mind, but from the outside it appeared to be incredible double-mindedness. Let’s look at what happened in verse 6 when the things of the world were mixed with the worship of the true God: “And they rose up early on the morrow, and offered burnt offerings, and brought peace offerings; and the people sat down to eat and to drink. . . .”

That does not sound too bad. They had a very spiritual time with their offerings and then a meal. Then we read on that they “rose up to play.” This was not righteous play. We learn later that they were naked. Whatever Aaron intended led to something very unholy.

Please understand, I’m not saying that families who choose to celebrate Easter and include the “Easter bunny” are guilty of the idolatry we read about. I am not making that judgment in any way. What I am saying is: we can see from Scripture that if we mix truth with something false, the result is negative. Nothing holy will be inspired in the minds of those we are called to bring up in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

Dads, please understand, I’m not condemning you if you do make a choice different from mine, that isn’t my place. However, it is my prayer that I will challenge you to consider things in a new light and encourage you to love the Lord Jesus more and walk according to His Word. May God be merciful and gracious to you, and may you be the head of many godly generations.

“And the LORD passed by before him, and proclaimed, The LORD, The LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth” (Exodus 34:6).

In the Way He Should Go

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Several months ago, while studying in preparation for a workshop, I came to a new understanding of the well-known verse Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” I believe this is one of the most commonly quoted verses but least appropriately applied.

How can it be misapplied when the verse is so straightforward? Doesn’t it teach us that if we raise our children in the way we want them to go, they will live like that as adults? I have observed “good” Christian parents raising their children–families who go to church, espouse to love the Lord Jesus, and even homeschool their children. Aren’t they training their children in the way they should go? Let’s find out.

Sadly, even within the Christian homeschooling community, I’m seeing children who are being raised to be children all of their lives. They are trained, but is it really in the way they should go? Does it match the goals these parents have for their children? In another twenty years, will the entertainment-focused Christian youth of today all of a sudden change their ways? A turnaround in focus didn’t happen as my generation grew up, nor do I honestly believe that Proverbs 22:6 teaches it will.

If the years of one’s youth mean one fun activity or sport after another, when do children learn to enjoy work? Must our children always have great fun while homeschooling? If this is their training, how will they respond as adults to jobs that aren’t always fun? In Genesis 2:15 we read that God put man on the earth to keep the garden. Our lot in life as men is to work and serve.

It is as if we believe there is some magic switch on the back of our children’s heads that, when flipped, will instantly turn a childlike youth into a mature, Christ-serving adult. Unfortunately, a child who has been fed a constant diet of fun and games is not going to have an appetite for work and the things of the Lord. What happens when church is the place of boy-girl relationships and pizza parties? It will likely mean that church must have a great social calendar, potlucks, and sports leagues to keep our adult children coming back. Hmmm. If it isn’t the intention of parents to raise perpetual children, why are so many doing just that?

We must search our souls over this. How will our sons ever grow up to be responsible, Christ-serving men of God if we don’t truly “train them in the way they should go”? If our young men are fed a diet of fun activities and sports in their youth, won’t they grow into adults with an appetite for ongoing recreation and couch-potato-type viewing? I’ve met very few men who began life with an entertainment focus and were able to break the training (actually, I can only think of two).

Christ is our example and our Lord. We see no hint of the Lord Jesus spending His time on what is the norm for Christian youth and men today. Why didn’t He? Was it because there wasn’t entertainment back then? No! It was because Jesus knew the clock was counting down, and He was not going to waste precious time on activities of no eternal value. I think that may be at the heart of the parent’s problem. Our focus today is on how to spend as much time as possible doing what is the most pleasurable. We do not believe that time is precious, and that we need to be about the Master’s business. “Redeeming the time, because the days are evil” (Ephesians 5:16). “But this I say, brethren, the time is short. . .” (1 Corinthians 7:29).

Most Christian parents will say they want their children to grow up to be good Christians. Sadly, what our generation has come to accept as “good” Christians is, I believe, very different from being dynamic followers of the Lord Jesus Christ. “Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me” (Matthew 16:24).

This leads to the first step we parents should take to train our children in the way they should go. May we bow before the Lord and ask Him to evaluate our lives. What is my relationship like with Jesus? What is the focus of my heart? What do I enjoy doing the most? Who do I want to be with the most? What priority does my daily quiet time with the Lord Jesus hold? I think we will agree the answers to these questions reveal whether we are carnally or spiritually minded. I join you in bringing these questions before the Lord.

Generally, our children will follow in our footsteps. Are those footsteps leading them in the way they should go? If we are setting a good example, then the fruit will be good. If, however, our example is of following the world, then the fruit will be bad. We must approach Proverbs 22:6 with stark honesty. We should realize that what we are creating now is ultimately what our children will be. Certainly, God can perform a miracle as He did with Paul, but He is holding us responsible for how we lead our children. The issue goes beyond whether or not we are satisfied with the example we are setting for our children. Rather the question would be, “Is the Lord Jesus pleased with our example?”

May we be fathers who will critically evaluate whether we are leading our children in the way they should go. If not, may we seek the Lord for a change of direction and then be obedient to it.