Tag Archives: Loss of a Child

Unwanted Feelings – Part 4

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As we continue our discussion of unwanted feelings, I want to share with you a beautiful example of how one mom applied what we have been talking about in this series in her life. But first, I’ll refresh with the e-mail that began these articles:

I woke up hurting and aching about the adoption this morning, and the feeling never left. Seeking HIM and seeking the peace and clarity that only HE can give.

Could you please pray for me to find my comfort in Christ? And to trust HIM. If you have time, could you please send me a Scripture that brings you comfort in times of loss? I will meditate on it. Amy

The first three articles in this series can be found here. If you haven’t read them, you will want to do that to have the complete picture concerning the process of dealing with unwanted feelings.

The following testimony fits well with our introductory e-mail because the events that led up to the testimony involve a difficult pregnancy, pre-term labor, and a premature birth. Read the following as a different Amy, Amy E., shares her heart through this process.

Dear Maxwell Family,

I thank you so much for your prayers on my behalf and for your notes of encouragement!

Back at Christmas time, I began asking the Lord to give me a new “theme” for 2012—a focus for my objectives for the new year. Reading in Genesis, I came across the verse where God said to Abraham, “. . . Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward” (Genesis 15:1). I meditated on that verse for some time and concluded that while we know that the Lord was about to do a lot of awesome things through Abraham’s life—in this verse, He was ultimately offering HIMSELF to Abraham as the reward in the end. A couple days later, I came to the verse I chose as my theme. It was: “And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me” (Genesis 22:12). I concluded that God knows we fear Him when we don’t withhold things from Him. I chose my memory verses for the year based on the things I tend to withhold from God and manage myself, areas where I wasn’t trusting Him.

A week later there was a bend in the road that I hadn’t seen coming, but the Lord had faithfully prepared me to go that way with these verses. It all started the first day in January when I was admitted to the hospital at twenty-three weeks along and discovered that I had no amniotic fluid, increased bleeding, and various other factors. Before long we learned that HUGE numbers of people were praying. It made me wonder what God was going to do that He was getting so many people on board for. Maybe this was going to be a miracle baby?

Over the next two weeks the Lord used my Bible time and a book I was reading to encourage me. Being removed from my normal environment (the hospital was an hour from home), He also gave me the opportunity to “try out” my resolve about not withholding things from Him. I could control nothing that was going on—nothing at home, nothing with the children, nothing with my body—NOTHING! He is so good!

I verbalized to several ladies that came to see me one day that the baby was not the ultimate end. I shared my verses and my belief that the end was the LORD—baby or no baby. He wanted to show me Himself as I had never seen Him before. The book I was reading said that we can’t know Him as the God of victory unless we face a battle. We can’t know Him as the God of all comfort if we don’t experience deep sorrow. Though my hope was that the Lord was going to see this baby through, I did consider that maybe He was going to use the baby to show Himself to me in a different way. Whenever the Lord gets many people involved in a situation, it is so that He can show His power, and that His name would be declared throughout all the earth! I thought surely the Lord is going to show Himself mighty by saving this baby!

That very evening after sharing with my friends, I abruptly went into labor. They moved me to labor and delivery and couldn’t find a heartbeat. The doctor found him in the birth canal (a place they never wanted him to be because he wouldn’t be able to handle delivery being so premature). His heart rate was 40 bpm. They moved me to surgery to have a C-section. He was born bruised and small. His little lungs just weren’t developed enough to breathe yet. They disconnected his tubes and wires and handed him to us. He was beautiful, and he smelled so good! He passed on immediately as we held him. He never opened his eyes in this life; the first face he ever saw was the Lord Jesus!

In summary, while this ending was not what I had in mind, the Lord has not ceased to show Himself mighty! I boast in Him as much as if He had sustained our little one. Words cannot express what the Lord has been to me. I have been under the shadow of His wings. I have found that God has lavished Himself on us exceeding abundantly! Every time a meal walked through our door, I felt as though it was from the Lord Himself. The Lord has shown His love so much through other people’s ovens, letters, phone calls, checkbooks, and especially the Scriptures. It has been exceedingly abundant. He has sent the right words of comfort and encouragement when we needed them. He has reminded us of His love all these days, hour by hour. I have seen His face as never before. I love Him more than I did before. And I am so full of thanks for all He has allowed.

I write this because with so many people praying and knowing that the Lord gets many on board so that they might know His power, I purposed that I would declare to as many as possible that there is truly none like Him in all the earth. We serve a mighty and wonderful God. Though my eyes fill with tears from time to time, and my arms are empty, I can say with a full heart, “Thank You Lord for this experience! I love You all the more because of it!”

I mentioned that I started reading in Genesis back at Christmas. As the Bible goes on, I am now in Exodus soaking in each verse, and I get excited to read, “Ye have seen what I did unto the Egyptians, and how I bare you on eagles’ wings, and brought you unto myself” (Exodus 19:4). I feel like I’m there in the account with those people, for their God is still working mightily. I have experienced Him. I hope that you will be like Jethro, who after hearing all that the Lord had done in Egypt, rejoiced in the goodness of the Lord, blessed His name, and worshipped.

In Jesus’ precious Name,

Amy E.

I am delighted that I am able to send Amy’s testimony beyond the boundaries that she anticipated it going. I am praying that her words and example will highlight what we have been discussing in these articles concerning negative emotions. Amy sought the Lord in her pain, and she found Him to be sufficient. I believe He is sufficient for each of us in every circumstance that brings unwanted emotions. Amy came through her trauma not overwhelmed by her pain but overjoyed by her Savior. May each of us do the same.

The Valley of the Shadow of Death

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As many of you know, we walked through the valley of the shadow of death in March as we watched our oldest son, Nathan, and his wife, Melanie lose their precious daughter, Susannah Joy, after she lived only three days. We were not total strangers to that valley having lost two babies, ourselves, to miscarriage. As Susannah’s life was held in the balance, we felt like our lives were on hold as well. At that moment, it didn’t seem like any semblance of reality or normalcy could ever continue again. But a month later, we found ourselves celebrating Joseph’s eighteenth birthday with life moving forward—without the grandbaby we had so excitedly anticipated being part of each special event.

I was with Melanie the day she was in early labor. Because of her serious back labor, I rode to the hospital with Nathan and Melanie to rub Melanie’s back while Nathan was driving. For four days, I ended up living at the hospital with them during the time Susannah was in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). I was Melanie’s companion when she needed to be in her room to eat or rest, enabling Nathan to be with Susannah. I was their secretary and messenger since cell phones weren’t allowed in the NICU. I was also the one to sit with Susannah in the middle of the night when Nathan and Melanie were forced to leave her to sleep a few hours.

When Job’s seven sons and three daughters perished in one day, Scripture tells us of Job’s response. “Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly” (Job 1:20-22). In the very early morning hours of Susannah’s last day, I was able to hold her during my turn at her side while her parents slept. I memorized those verses with that precious, tiny baby in my arms. They were words of comfort, truth, and hope for my hurting heart.

We wanted to go through this trial as Job went through his trial, but we didn’t really know what that meant in a real-life situation of a baby dying. Job grieved, but he also worshipped the Lord in the midst of that grief. Throughout those most difficult three days, we found our continual words to each other and our family members were, “God is good.” He is good in the midst of pain just as He is good when all is going smoothly. We were determined to praise the Lord Jesus even when our hearts were breaking with the seriousness of the situation we faced. In hindsight, I believe the confession of God’s goodness was a part of our worship of Him at that time.

Nathan would regularly say to Melanie and me during those hospital days, “We aren’t going to ask questions. We are simply going to trust the Lord.” Of course, they asked many questions of the doctors and nurses about Susannah’s care and how she was doing. Those were not the questions to which he was referring. The unasked questions were concerning why this was happening when they had waited five long years for a baby and the Lord had finally filled their empty arms. There were so many of these kinds of questions we could have asked for which there were no answers. I saw Nathan’s wisdom in his direction to us. What would we accomplish by dwelling on those questions? The trials in our lives produce tests of our faith. “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). I can’t understand; will I still believe?

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). That trust Nathan was calling us to rest in was based upon the truth of God’s Word. While we continually cried out to the Lord Jesus for Susannah’s healing, there was a sense in our hearts that He might not answer that prayer with physical, earthly healing, which would have been the “work together for good” that we would have chosen.

“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). I experienced that comfort through my miscarriages, and I experienced it again with Susannah’s death. In the hospital, especially when we knew Susannah wouldn’t make it, I felt like maybe I would start crying and never stop, but I didn’t. One way the Lord comforted me was to keep me busy. There was always a phone call to make, something to be carried to the NICU, or a job in the room that needed to be done.

When Steve and I were on the way home from the hospital after Susannah’s death, we stopped at a convenience store. As we walked in, the first sight I saw was a young mommy coming out with a tiny baby in a car seat. How many times during Melanie’s pregnancy had I seen a similar situation and thought to myself, “Soon that will be Melanie with her baby”? As I looked at that mommy and baby, my eyes filled with tears thinking that Nathan and Melanie would never put Susannah Joy into a car seat. At that moment, I realized I had a choice in front of me. I could gaze at the baby and think about all the “what if’s,” focusing on my pain and grief and Nathan and Melanie’s as well. Or I could turn my thoughts away from myself and onto the Lord Jesus Christ through thanksgiving. “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

Thanksgiving is a daily, ongoing choice I have to make. I can wake up in the morning thinking about Susannah and start to cry, or I can wake up praising the Lord. When something hits me out of nowhere that reminds me of Susannah, and I begin to cry, I can continue to cry, or I can take those thoughts captive. “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). The truth is that while we wanted Susannah to be a part of our lives on earth, she is with the Lord Jesus—a place filled with the joy of His presence without any pain or sorrow. The span of this life is but a passing moment compared to the eternity we will spend with her. Where will I put my thoughts—on myself or on my Lord Jesus?

We are very grateful to each of you who have prayed for Susannah, Nathan, Melanie, and our family. You have been a part of God’s rod and staff that brought us comfort. Your prayers and words have sustained us, and they have caused us to thank God as we walk in this valley of death.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me” (Psalms 23:4). Perhaps you have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. Maybe you have faced or are facing another type of trial for which there are no answers. May I encourage you that God is good. Trust in the truth of His Word. Allow yourself to be comforted by the God of all comfort. Set your mind on thanking Him rather than on the grief or difficulty.