Tag Archives: Dictator or Servant-Leader?

Dictator or Servant-Leader? – Part 2

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We are continuing this month with the topic of Dad the Dictator versus Dad the Servant Leader. If you haven’t read Part One, I would encourage you to read it before proceeding.

Here is the e-mail that began this discussion:

”You mention in a previous Corner that you think ‘many dads are dictators and are only thinking about themselves.’ You also rightly point out in other Corners that fathers are heads of their families and should make family policies for the good of the family.

“What are the differences between a dad who is a ‘dictator’ and one who is fulfilling his duties as spiritual leader and protector? This is an area in which I sometimes struggle as I try to lead and protect my wife and young daughter. I do not want to be legalistic or frustrate my wife, but I do want to keep ungodly influences out of our lives and our home as much as possible. My wife and I do not always agree about what or who may be a bad influence, although we are both fairly conservative Christians.

“How does a dad find the proper balance between honoring his wife, seeking her input on decisions, and being the leader without becoming a dictator?” A Dad’s Corner Reader

Now what sort of a portrait does Scripture paint of Dad, the Servant Leader? First, Dad is a servant of the family. “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21). “If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet” (John 13:14). Will Dad work alongside his family as they wash the dinner dishes, clean house, or work in the yard? How does he do at changing dirty diapers, giving a child a bath, or putting the children to bed? If Mom is tired in the evening, would he tell her to rest while he takes over the household responsibilities? We all have certain strengths, and some jobs are better performed by Dad or Mom, but the Servant Leader doesn’t consider any job to be “beneath” him. Are you willing to do any job that needs to be performed?

I know of a company that had a policy that before a person could be hired into an executive position, he had to spend a year out in the factory, working from the bottom up. They were surprised to find that many whom they thought had management potential ended up quitting because they could not handle menial labor. Those who persevered were great leaders because they knew how to serve and understood what others did on a daily basis.

Dad is the leader and God-appointed head of the family. “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body” (Ephesians 5:23). The Servant Leader’s attitude is, “It isn’t my way or her way but rather the Lord’s way.” However, someone has to make the final decision. The Servant Leader is keenly aware of the weight of the necessity that his decision be the Lord’s direction. In a way, it is as if he were speaking for the Lord, because he is representing to the family that this is the Lord’s will in a matter.

There is a reason that commercial airliners have only one captain. One person always must have the final decision-making power because he bears the responsibility for those decisions. Can you imagine what might happen on final approach during an emergency, if the captain and co-pilot got into an argument as to whether to land or go around? That is why God gave the job of the final decision to only one of the family members. This doesn’t mean that any one is greater or lesser than another. They simply have different roles.

Just like a seasoned ox team, there is always one who takes the lead. He is the one who must be especially attentive to the teamster. Dad is the one who gently the leads the way, and he desires to follow the Lord’s will, not his own selfish will.

In a practical sense, let me give you an example from our family. When the decision was made to take Nathan and Christopher out of team sports, Teri wasn’t in favor of it. I felt strongly the Lord’s leading that sports were interfering with our ability to have nightly Bible time and to guard our children’s hearts. Teri and I had several discussions on this subject, and she shared her concerns with me. Then I made the decision. Since my decision was not the decision Teri would have made, I was very careful to be gentle in my communication with her. I told her that I strongly believed the Lord was directing us to remove the boys from baseball. I discussed it with her at length, and then took each boy out individually for a milkshake so I could tell him about my decision privately. The boys agreed to quit sports, and soon after the decision was made, Teri gave her wholehearted endorsement as well.

This example also illustrates another trait of the Servant Father. He communicates with his family—frequently, openly, gently, and lovingly. It will help if Dad will share with the family why decisions are made. We communicate with those we value, and how much we are willing to communicate with our family is an indication of how much worth they have to us.

Companies that truly value their employees communicate new policies carefully. They want the employees to understand why the policy is in the best interest of the company and those working there. When they don’t communicate, it is fertile ground for suspicion and distrust to develop. As Servant Dads, may we sit down with our families and have frequent heart-to-heart conversations with them about the direction the family is headed and why.

The Servant Leader’s time is the Lord’s time. Therefore his priorities will reflect the Lord’s priorities for the family. First and foremost that means that the Servant Leader will lead his family in Bible time every day. He knows that to raise his children in the nurture and admonition (Ephesians 6:4) of the Lord they need to be fed the Word of God multiple times a day. He will be encouraging his family to have their personal Bible time every morning and be an example by having his.

The Servant Leader makes decisions for the good of the family in accordance with his best understanding of how the Lord Jesus is leading. He is willing to always do what is best for the family, regardless of what is popular, within or without the family.

Ephesians 5:23 says that Dad is the savior of the body. The word “saviour” in the Greek means: savior, deliverer, protector. The Servant Leader is always protecting his family. In fact, he will risk himself for the sake of his family. That is the opposite of the dictator, who wants everyone to protect him and make his life easier. So if a decision causes extended family members to be unhappy, Dad is the one who takes the “arrows.” He gently informs others that he is doing his best to follow the direction the Lord Jesus has indicated He wants the family to go.

The Servant Leader asks and considers his wife’s counsel. “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21). If you cherish your wife and value her opinion through normal day-to-day life, when you find yourself in a situation where you must make a decision contrary to her preference, I believe it will be easier for her to accept. Strive to be a team and blend her strengths with your strengths. A wife will have great insight into the needs of the family and a host of other areas. God has gifted women incredibly, and we tie one hand behind our backs when we don’t seek and value their counsel.

It is critically important for the Servant Dad to learn to take a wife’s counsel to the Lord. However, I have often observed dads who are the opposite of the dictator by letting their wife make all the decisions regarding home and family. God rebuked Adam for obeying Eve. “And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life” (Genesis 3:17). The Servant Dad is neither a dictator nor does he abdicate his God-given leadership responsibilities.

Every dad has a choice to make. Will he represent the Lord Jesus to his family by the example of being a Servant Leader? Regardless of mistakes made in the past, each of us has a decision to make going forward. “Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me” (Matthew 16:24).

 

Dictator or Servant-Leader? – Part 1

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I recently received an e-mail with this suggestion for a Dad’s Corner:

“You mention in a previous Corner that you think ‘many dads are dictators and are only thinking about themselves. You also rightly point out in other Corners that fathers are heads of their families and should make family policies for the good of the family.

“What are the differences between a dad who is a ‘dictator’ and one who is fulfilling his duties as spiritual leader and protector? This is an area in which I sometimes struggle as I try to lead and protect my wife and young daughter. I do not want to be legalistic or frustrate my wife, but I do want to keep ungodly influences out of our lives and our home as much as possible. My wife and I do not always agree about what or who may be a bad influence, although we are both fairly conservative Christians.

“How does a dad find the proper balance between honoring his wife, seeking her input on decisions, and being the leader without becoming a dictator?” A Dad’s Corner Reader

This is an excellent question, and one I believe all fathers would be good to ask themselves. First, let’s define “Dad—the Dictator.” He assumes sole and absolute power that in practice is unconstrained by the Word, the Lord’s leadership, or the pleas from his family. In essence he selfishly and hypocritically misuses his God-given authority to lead his family even though he may appear to others to be very religious. He might feign to follow God’s Word, but has no regard for anyone else’s knowledge of Scripture. He becomes the sole source for all spiritual discernment because there is no one else that he would look to with respect or from whom he would seek counsel.

“The wicked in his pride doth persecute the poor: let them be taken in the devices that they have imagined” (Psalms 10:2). Since he has the power of authority, he will make decisions for his own entertainment, comfort, or pleasure. I know of one dad who would spend every Saturday away from home on his hobby leaving his wife alone and behind to watch the young children. His wife would have loved his companionship and help around the house, but Dad was seeking his own fun. Praise God that later he came to repent of his selfish focus.

In Dictator Dad’s pride, it is his way or no way for his time usage. His family may be starving to death spiritually, yet Dad is too busy to feed their souls the Word of God: “Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel, prophesy, and say unto them, Thus saith the Lord GOD unto the shepherds; Woe be to the shepherds of Israel that do feed themselves! should not the shepherds feed the flocks? Ye eat the fat, and ye clothe you with the wool, ye kill them that are fed: but ye feed not the flock” (Ezekiel 34:2-3). He is focused on the flesh and things of this world, but he is not willing to expend a little effort to raise his children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. “Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God” (James 4:4).

The Dictator may set family policy that is actually good, but he will cause resentment because he doesn’t abide by those policies himself. He might set a policy of no TV and yet watch movies on his computer. He could banish sugar consumption from his children’s diets and yet have his special treats when he is away from home or the children are in bed.

You will likely see Dictator Dad setting down his rules and policies with an I-don’t-care-what-you-think attitude toward his family. He doesn’t make the effort to lovingly and compassionately explain his decisions to them. Communication takes time and energy, but he isn’t willing to do this because he is focused on himself.

The Dictator may be very religious, but looks down on others who are not at his perceived level. “The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican” (Luke 18:11). He often will have a critical spirit toward his wife, and she won’t be able to please him because he views her as less of a person than himself. Therefore, there is no need to ask her opinion on things because her opinion is of no value to him.

Dictator Dad’s main concern with others is how they can serve him. If he doesn’t get his way, he will be angry, because it is his way or no way. “Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom” (Proverbs 13:10). Because of his pride, he is quick to mock, belittle, and throw a fit.

Dad the Dictator sounds pretty awful, doesn’t he? Can you imagine a woman vowing before God and man at the marriage altar to obey and follow him? I’m sure the wife in this position has had the same thoughts on occasion. We have met so many dictators through the years. It is easy to fall into a selfish, proud spirit, and it is amazing that it doesn’t happen more often for all dads. When you consider what the Word says about our hearts, it is a wonder we are ever the servant-leaders the Lord has called us to be. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9).

Dad the Dictator is not a nice guy. Proud, angry, mocking, and hypocritical character qualities are not the type that will draw the hearts of his family to him. “Every one that is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD: though hand join in hand, he shall not be unpunished” (Proverbs 16:5). Clearly, he is an abomination to the Lord.

This Dictator Dad description should be enough to give each of us something to consider. Are there areas of our lives and leadership where we resemble Dad the Dictator? If we are saved, then we go to the cross first in repentance and then to those we have offended asking for forgiveness and working toward restoration. The Lord is quick to forgive, and if we are sincere, our families will be as well. Next month, we will look at the servant-leader dad, his qualities, and how he leads his home.